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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday cake

291 replies

Thundercats77 · 30/10/2021 13:38

Long winded.... Today is my DS 1st birthday. We intend to celebrate this tomorrow with family and friends and have hired a venue and entertainment etc to do so (we couldn't find a venue today).

Today his actual birthday day, we are taking DS out to the circus . The circus is very close to where my parents live so we will be popping in to see them.

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents, DH side and we will all do one together tomorrow.

My husband and I will cut a cupcake with him today.

DGP asked if they could come round prior to going to the circus to drop off his presents. DH said yes but pressies only and nothing else.

They've come round and MIL has baked a cake with a candle declaring to wake DS up we are going to cut the cake.

I looked at DH who gave a well what can you do look to me and said meakley I said pressies only.

MIL piped up again, we are going to cut the cake. I had to then intercept as I was quite agitated at this point that I had said no cakes etc to my parents etc etc. And now it won't be fair on them so we won't cut the cake.

PIL seemed upset and said OK we will cut the cake tomorrow.

MIL always has a habit of doing what she wants.

AIBU to have said what I did?
If so any suggestions on how to handle this better.

It's put a real dampener on the day.

OP posts:
User57327259 · 30/10/2021 17:42

If you have PILs who are as awful as my ex PILs then I do not blame you at all for putting your foot down. Nip them in the bud or live to regret it would be my view.

At the same time a baby who is 1 year old today is not going to remember their 1st birthday. Keep a watch on PILs and if they continue to ignore your wishes or become more manipulative make it very clear that you will not take this type of abuse

Jeschara · 30/10/2021 17:42

Shame you ruined this day, you need to chill and stop being so precious.

Benjispruce4 · 30/10/2021 17:43

You tried to control both sets of parents. This is your child’s first birthday. There will be lots of occasions (hopefully) throughout his life where grandparents and family want to show their love and excitement in a different way to you. You have a choice. You can spend every nice occasion trying to dictate how others behave or you could just decide that your son is very lucky to have such loving family and let him soak it all up. My DC are 21 and 18 and I strongly suggest you take option 2. Choose to be chill over the small stuff and stress over the important stuff. Grandparents aren’t there forever.

CrazyCatLazy · 30/10/2021 17:44

@drpet49

This is about the MIL not respecting her sons and DILs wishes. She was told no cake but still bought one round.
I agree. Doesn’t matter if OP is PFB, both of their wishes have been ignored.
AutumnAlmanack · 30/10/2021 17:44

Oh gosh, really? Yet another reason why I never wanted to have children. Do people really agonise about birthday parties and cakes for a 1-year old??? I hope you make a note to ask the child when he is 18 'do you remember how mean your grandparents were to you on your first birthday, making a cake when I had asked them not to?' . Ha ha ha.

Sexnotgender · 30/10/2021 17:50

You’re being absolutely ridiculous. For a start he’s one and has no fucking idea what’s going on. And secondly you can’t have too much cake. Get a grip.

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/10/2021 17:53

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents

I don’t understand? What wouldn’t be fair? That they got to see DS eat some cake and the other grandparents didn’t? This is ridiculous.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 17:53

This is about the MIL not respecting her sons and DILs wishes. She was told no cake but still bought one round

MIL wasn’t told no cake.

BSideBaby · 30/10/2021 17:53

What a fuss about nothing! This is the easiest birthday you're ever going to organise for your DS and you're behaving like this? I feel sorry for your MIL, who is surely just excited about her grandson's birthday and perhaps doesn't realise the extent of your controlling behaviour? Life is better for everyone if you only sweat the big stuff...

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 17:55

Imagine a woman asking someone to not do something against her will only for that person to turn around and willfully ignore and sabotage her thus causing her pain.

Imagine that someone being so entitled and arrogant that despite being told "no" they ignore it and do whatever the fuck they want, no matter who gets hurt.

Imagine that woman spoke up because something she important to her is now ruined. she'd want support, she'd want people to listen and understand her side of the story and acknowledge that her feelings are valid.
But instead she is being ridiculed, mocked, belittled, sneered at, laughed at, judged & criticised. by other women.

"it's just a cake"
the fuck it is

SickAndTiredAgain · 30/10/2021 17:58

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

Imagine a woman asking someone to not do something against her will only for that person to turn around and willfully ignore and sabotage her thus causing her pain.

Imagine that someone being so entitled and arrogant that despite being told "no" they ignore it and do whatever the fuck they want, no matter who gets hurt.

Imagine that woman spoke up because something she important to her is now ruined. she'd want support, she'd want people to listen and understand her side of the story and acknowledge that her feelings are valid.
But instead she is being ridiculed, mocked, belittled, sneered at, laughed at, judged & criticised. by other women.

"it's just a cake"
the fuck it is

What are you taking about? The OP doesn’t mention anything about not having told her in-laws not to make a cake. She specifically says she said it to her parents, and repeated that again “I was quite agitated at this point that I had said no cakes etc to my parents”

If she’d said no cake the the PILs I assume that would have been mentioned.

MIL was unreasonable to want the baby woken up to cut a cake.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 17:59

Imagine that woman being so controlling and throwing a strop because her son's birthday was ruined because someone made him a cake.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 18:00

Imagine a woman asking someone to not do something against her will only for that person to turn around and willfully ignore and sabotage her thus causing her pain.

I've read some melodramatic drivel on this site but this is definitely up there.

Katyppp · 30/10/2021 18:00

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion I am in a parallel universe to some posters on MN.
All this drama, all of the orders, the outrage when orders are not followed.
Baby's first cake, baby's first stocking in a post yesterday... Calpol are even advertising about baby's first cold!
It's all so exhausting and draining, but more than anything, controlling.
My theory is that a baby switches the dynamics in the parent/adult child relationship, and boy are some posters on here enjoying the control they think it gives them!
I can not imagine ordering another grown-up (and a parent!) around in the way some seem to think is acceptable.
Is there an eqiuvilent of bridezilla for a parent?

Hogwarts21 · 30/10/2021 18:02

Good for you. You are setting boundaries early on about what MIL can and can't do. It's not about the cake it's about learning to do what's told and not butt in.

Look at the recent case of Zahn Malik whose tedious MIL Yolanda posted a picture of his child online when he didn't want any and has now gone around telling everyone how hurtful he has been.

OK, I'm not fan of ZM but really MILs should realise they aren't in control anymore - it's NOT their child. Respect boundaries of the parents.

Ignore the cake-pushers OP. They're only thinking with their tummies :D

BananaPB · 30/10/2021 18:03

Next year you might want to consider cake with each grandparent and at his party because it's pretty ridiculous making a rule that the party cake would be the only cake. M
Or only see the grandparents at his party next time. He doesn't know the date yet so pretending that his birthday was tomorrow would have saved you a lot of drama.

Hogwarts21 · 30/10/2021 18:04

And she wanted to wake him up. Evil woman! Doesn't care about the baby, just about herself.

HappySantasaurus · 30/10/2021 18:05

I have read and re-read and I still have no idea how two cakes could ever ruin anyones birthday! Nonsense.

Riverlee · 30/10/2021 18:05

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

Imagine that woman being so controlling and throwing a strop because her son's birthday was ruined because someone made him a cake.
But it’s not mill’s place to make a birthday cake, without checking whether the mum was making (or buying) one (irrespective of when the cake was to be eaten).

You could argue the mil is the controlling one, as she’s dictating what’s happening (ie providing a cake).

phoenixrosehere · 30/10/2021 18:05

MIL wasn’t told no cake.

“DGP asked if they could come round prior to going to the circus to drop off his presents. DH said yes but pressies only and nothing else.

They've come round and MIL has baked a cake with a candle declaring to wake DS up we are going to cut the cake.

I looked at DH who gave a well what can you do look to me and said meakley I said pressies only.”

Her husband told his parents pressies only so MIL was told but ignored it.

People are really being nasty about this. Tons of threads on here about being fair to both grandparents yet when one is trying to she’s ridiculed. Her and husband agreed no cake til the next day and informed their parents yet OP is supposedly being precious for sticking to why was said and agreed on. It may be a small thing but how many times do such things escalate where a pass is given and it leads and escalates to more and then people will say you should have nipped it in the bud early on especially when it comes to grandparents.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 18:07

Look at the recent case of Zahn Malik whose tedious MIL Yolanda posted a picture of his child online when he didn't want any and has now gone around telling everyone how hurtful he has been.

I thought she had accused him of hitting her daughter? Obviously I have no idea what's gone one but it's a bit weird you'd draw a comparison between an accusation of domestic abuse and someone making a cake for their grandchild.

sceweredbbq · 30/10/2021 18:07

Oh dear OP. A total over reaction on your part. It’s cake. Just cake. It doesn’t matter.

You’re not coming back though I suspect.

sammylady37 · 30/10/2021 18:08

@SickAndTiredAgain

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents

I don’t understand? What wouldn’t be fair? That they got to see DS eat some cake and the other grandparents didn’t? This is ridiculous.

Isn’t it just. I can’t imagine either set of grandparents give much of a fuck about who is the first to watch a one year old eat/smush some cake.
BananaPB · 30/10/2021 18:08

Zayn allegedly hit Yolande who is apparently a very controlling MIL. I'm not saying that she deserves to be hit btw

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 18:09

But it’s not mill’s place to make a birthday cake, without checking whether the mum was making (or buying) one (irrespective of when the cake was to be eaten).

Why? Most normal people would just think 'an extra cake, how nice'. Not take it as a personal insult and decide that the day is ruined. Life must be exhausting when you're constantly looking for slights where none exist.

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