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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday cake

291 replies

Thundercats77 · 30/10/2021 13:38

Long winded.... Today is my DS 1st birthday. We intend to celebrate this tomorrow with family and friends and have hired a venue and entertainment etc to do so (we couldn't find a venue today).

Today his actual birthday day, we are taking DS out to the circus . The circus is very close to where my parents live so we will be popping in to see them.

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents, DH side and we will all do one together tomorrow.

My husband and I will cut a cupcake with him today.

DGP asked if they could come round prior to going to the circus to drop off his presents. DH said yes but pressies only and nothing else.

They've come round and MIL has baked a cake with a candle declaring to wake DS up we are going to cut the cake.

I looked at DH who gave a well what can you do look to me and said meakley I said pressies only.

MIL piped up again, we are going to cut the cake. I had to then intercept as I was quite agitated at this point that I had said no cakes etc to my parents etc etc. And now it won't be fair on them so we won't cut the cake.

PIL seemed upset and said OK we will cut the cake tomorrow.

MIL always has a habit of doing what she wants.

AIBU to have said what I did?
If so any suggestions on how to handle this better.

It's put a real dampener on the day.

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 30/10/2021 14:43

You made a big deal out of nothing, I would have said nothing about cakes to anyone and If mil did a cake great I would have cut that, if my family did a cake great, I’d cut that too, I’d then do a cake at his party.

This. And also this...

Someone baked an extra cake and it's apparently ruined your day?? Really??

You're being ridiculous.

sammylady37 · 30/10/2021 14:44

This non-event caused you to become ‘quite agitated’? I feel sorry for everyone else in your family having to deal with you

dementedpixie · 30/10/2021 14:45

What a big fuss about nothing. So what if there's more than 1 cake! Have a cake today and one tomorrow too. Save a bit of today's cake for your parents so they don't miss out.

darkn · 30/10/2021 14:45

You made a big deal out of nothing, I would have said nothing about cakes to anyone and If mil did a cake great I would have cut that, if my family did a cake great, I’d cut that too, I’d then do a cake at his party

this seriously op, if that's a problem then you have a good life. He is 1 year old as well, he won't remember any of this. You sound like bridezilla only a mother eqivalant.

MiddleClassProblem · 30/10/2021 14:45

As pp said, is this the cake for the party or another cake?

lawofdistraction · 30/10/2021 14:46

I wish these were the sort of problems I had in my life instead of real ones

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 14:47

Is this the cake for the party? I'm a bit confused now (easily done)

Artie30 · 30/10/2021 14:47

Over reaction! Your child is 1, they don't really understand anyway but there is nothing wrong with multiple cakes and celebrating with different people.

I have two dc. We usually see my family the day or weekend before their birthdays with one cake and then we see dp's family on their actual birthday (they live closer) with another cake.

Then again Ds might have a 3rd birthday cake as is from previous relationship so he sees his dads side too!

Also if they were too have a party (haven't recently due to covid) they'd have a cake with family at home and cake to share with their friends.

My gran had a landmark birthday recently. I could only see her the day before so she had cake the day before her birthday and no doubt on her birthday too!!

Nothing wrong with more cake 😅😅

NerrSnerr · 30/10/2021 14:48

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents, DH side and we will all do one together tomorrow.

Do any of them actually care this much about cutting the cake? How would the other grandparents even know that there was a cake the day before? It's not like the baby is going to be telling them.

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 14:49

I kind of understand, I had both sets of grandparents wanting to make DC's first cake and I did have to get a bit stern and say as their mum I wanted to make their cake as my mum used to make mine. But if one had turned up on their birthday I would have just said it was an extra birthday cake. Birthday cake should always be had on the child's actual birthday as far as possible

NerrSnerr · 30/10/2021 14:50

I would have baked/ bought a cake for the party and if others want to bring a cake at other times then that's fine also.

TrickOrTreat21x · 30/10/2021 14:51

YABU. It's just cake. It doesn't mean anything it's just cake!

Gertie75 · 30/10/2021 14:52

He's one year old, he won't have a clue about who baked a cake or why and said cake will be forgotten about in approximately 37 seconds.

Your in laws however will feel hurt about this for a long time now, you should be grateful that your inlaws care and that they have spent time baking and would have felt a little bit of joy from seeing their grandson eat the cake.

One day you're going to be the inlaw and I hope your dil is kinder to you.

cameocat · 30/10/2021 14:56

I think you are right to be annoyed that they didn't respect your wishes but I think your request was bonkers in the first place (and I'm not a particularly big cake lover). I'd have not said anything and if people had made extra cakes just enjoyed it each time.

Cuntness · 30/10/2021 15:00

I feel this is less about cake and more about MIL ignoring OPs wishes.

Lorw · 30/10/2021 15:02

This isn’t about the cake particularly though is it, it is the fact that you asked them specifically not to do something and they did it anyways which is a shit thing to do really 🤷🏻‍♀️

00100001 · 30/10/2021 15:02

I'm just say here wondering why you'd bother taking a 1 yo to the circus (unless they were tagging along for an older sibling) Confused

Charlene1971 · 30/10/2021 15:02

@Reallybadidea

Anyone over the age of 10 who finds themselves saying "it's not fair" needs to take a good long look at themselves.
@Reallybadidea

Eh? Are people over 10 not allowed to state when something is unfair? This is such a weird comment......

darkn · 30/10/2021 15:03

I feel this is less about cake and more about MIL ignoring OPs wishes

Agreed but as others have acknowledged it was somewhat of an absurd wish in the 1st place, pick your battles as they say.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/10/2021 15:06

So you child is ONE year old and you are taking him to the circus today Shock and having a party at a venue tomorrow??

AND today you are getting upset about a cake?

I honestly think you need to calm down and look at the bigger picture here.

TBF your MIL has trampled over your (bonkers) wishes and but your husband made some effort at least to back you up. Best of luck with the next 17 years Smile.

darkn · 30/10/2021 15:07

I'm just say here wondering why you'd bother taking a 1 yo to the circus (unless they were tagging along for an older sibling

This, it's a case of parents wanting to show the word they are celebrating their child's birthday. Reminds me of when I lived in Ireland and a colleague who had 3 kids all under 4 and spent 2000 euro on their Santa presents, this was nearly 20 years ago too when 2000 euro was worth a lot more but it is just bonkers behaviour. It isn't done for the kids.

Charlene1971 · 30/10/2021 15:07

OP your MIL ignored your requests, and that's unfair and wrong. It's clearly not about the cake, anyone with an ounce of common sense can see that.

It's so difficult to balance in-laws with your own family, and trying to ensure nobody is offended/hurt over things can be a nightmare!

Those saying OP is being ridiculous or OTT have clearly been lucky enough to never have to deal with unreasonable inlaws or sensitive family members.

My SIL stayed at her MILS months ago with her 5 month old son, and her DM (my MIL) still hammers on about how she "is owed a sleepover with her grandson" because his other grandmother got one 🙄

cockneysparra1 · 30/10/2021 15:08

I don't think yabu at all. My MIL is an absolute nightmare. I asked for no visitors when dd was born, she shows up. I asked to make my own child's birthday cake, she makes it. I made my husband an afternoon tea for his birthday (just for us two) she turns up and plonks one of her homemade cakes down right in the middle of it. Anyone's birthday is always made about her with her endless supply of massive cakes. It's not really about the cake is it, it's about a grown woman actively ignoring your requests! X

mcmooberry · 30/10/2021 15:09

I would be happy if I had a MIL who would go to the trouble of baking a cake like that, your child is one and won't be aware of who did what so I genuinely don't understand your preoccupation about fairness. It's not a wedding cake!

I would honestly try and chill about things like this.

Unless it's the same cake that was supposed to be cut at the party tomorrow? If that's the case then that's very annoying and much more sensible to wait until tomorrow if that was the planned cake for the party.

SparrowNest · 30/10/2021 15:09

I think everyone is being a bit mean. You made the rule when you thought you were only seeing your parents on the day, because you didn’t want your parents-in-law to be left out of the celebrations, and now they’ve ignored your explicitly stated wishes and you feel like you’ve been unfair to your parents as a result.

In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter, and for your own sanity it’s the kind of thing you just need to let it go, but I do get where you’re coming from.