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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday cake

291 replies

Thundercats77 · 30/10/2021 13:38

Long winded.... Today is my DS 1st birthday. We intend to celebrate this tomorrow with family and friends and have hired a venue and entertainment etc to do so (we couldn't find a venue today).

Today his actual birthday day, we are taking DS out to the circus . The circus is very close to where my parents live so we will be popping in to see them.

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents, DH side and we will all do one together tomorrow.

My husband and I will cut a cupcake with him today.

DGP asked if they could come round prior to going to the circus to drop off his presents. DH said yes but pressies only and nothing else.

They've come round and MIL has baked a cake with a candle declaring to wake DS up we are going to cut the cake.

I looked at DH who gave a well what can you do look to me and said meakley I said pressies only.

MIL piped up again, we are going to cut the cake. I had to then intercept as I was quite agitated at this point that I had said no cakes etc to my parents etc etc. And now it won't be fair on them so we won't cut the cake.

PIL seemed upset and said OK we will cut the cake tomorrow.

MIL always has a habit of doing what she wants.

AIBU to have said what I did?
If so any suggestions on how to handle this better.

It's put a real dampener on the day.

OP posts:
Courtier · 30/10/2021 22:18

How is it not fair? He is one he will not remember. It's cake, it's his birthday, it's nice. Chill.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 30/10/2021 22:19

*nut house

MazIsWin22 · 30/10/2021 22:19

@Thundercats77

Wow cakegate has got a lot of replies.

Thank you all for your views.

As some have suggested, I'm trying to do a balancing act of grandparents more for MIL sake so that she can't say xyz was done without me etc.

MIL has transgressed boundaries in the past biggest one being after DS was born by CS and we had told all the family to come over at various times (not to be precious but due to covid) the following day as we were knackered at 10 pm when we got home. MIL insisted on coming over that night as she can't wait and she did.

She likes to be the first in everything.
DH had said when she said a few days ago about dropping pressies that we 3, DH DS and I will be cutting a cake later so pressies only.

They arrived with a cake, pressie and card and stated there card was the biggest, no big deal. I took the cake, I was annoyed but didn't make a big deal as I thought well we will be cutting our cupcake later. It was a cup cake as we have recently had a cake overload and will be eating his main cake tomorrow.

It's when they said we've come to cut the cake with DS and blow the candle and to wake him up from his 11 am nap that I got peeved off and had said that I told my parents not to do a cake as it would not have been fair on you so this is not fair on them.

Agree that first birthdays are about the parents. This was making it all about MIL and DS and taking it away from me.

Yeah, I knew there had to be more to it than the original post suggested! Honestly I would be annoyed too if they were being pushy about everything. Especially with coming over without asking prior, then making a point with their card being the biggest & with the cake (& having to have DS woken). You should of told her that little one won't be woken to suit her and stored it in the cupboard. I have overbearing in laws too, I feel your pain. Set up your boundaries and don't let her walk all over them - if she does then take a big dump on her parade Grin
SickAndTiredAgain · 30/10/2021 22:47

The back story of pushiness, fussing about things being done without her, and the comment about her card being the biggest is quite relevant. If MIL is going to be like that then I think you should totally ignore it. If I were you, I wouldn’t have told my parents not to do a cake - not out of spite to annoy MIL and I wouldn’t have made a thing of it, but just as a sign of “we’re not pandering to this, if we have cake with my parents that’s fine, if you bring a cake that’s fine, I’m not involving myself in this nonsense.”

Someone upthread mentioned “cake related power moves” and if you think that sounds like a fitting phrase for it, then just take away the power. Anything like that only has the power others give it. Trying to make the cake situation “fair” gives someone who is going to try to make a thing out of it a way to “win” because you’ve placed importance on no one being first. First cake isn’t a big thing, so receive any cake with a thank you, and let them entertain themselves with whatever drama they want to make.

(But don’t let them wake the baby from a nap.)

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 31/10/2021 01:47

Ok given update YANBU and needed to put your foot down.

steff13 · 31/10/2021 01:56

You're being unreasonable for potentially three reasons:

  1. A baby doesn't care about his first birthday. Interrupting one nap isn't a big deal.
  2. Using "pressies." Why? It's the same number of letters and syllables as "presents."
Possibly:
  1. If the circus has animals, you would be unreasonable to support that.
Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 31/10/2021 02:45

It's a one year old's birthday. What an enormous amount of drama over nothing.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 31/10/2021 02:58

OP, your updates just make you sound even more neurotic.

Dishhh · 31/10/2021 05:41

There will be many, many more birthdays. I suggest you worry less about what PIL (and specifically, MIL) is doing, and let them get on with it. You'll be happier, and so will they. If you try and remember they are attempting to make your child happy - and see your child, too, which doesn't happen in many families - this makes it easier.

lurkingattheback · 31/10/2021 05:57

IMIL going against your wishes is wrong but there was no need to be controlling about cake cutting and no one should be upset if they weren't there for the 'first'. There will be lots of firsts, for years and most of them will be forgotten.

If your MIL is often like this, the more rules and boundaries you set, the more she will push. Plan private moments, better moments for your family, cake for breakfast next year! If she knows what's important to you, by the rules you set she will push against them so have less rules, keep things quiet and if it's really important go away or do it the week before!

londonrach · 31/10/2021 07:40

Yabu. It's cake...you can never have enough cake. Ask your parents to get one tomorrow too. Who cares...eat cake and celebrate. Let this go ..it's silly

Charlene1971 · 31/10/2021 07:56

@steff13

You're being unreasonable for potentially three reasons:
  1. A baby doesn't care about his first birthday. Interrupting one nap isn't a big deal.
  2. Using "pressies." Why? It's the same number of letters and syllables as "presents."
Possibly:
  1. If the circus has animals, you would be unreasonable to support that.
@steff13

Dear lord, talk about scrapping the bottom of the barrel 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

HappyDays40 · 31/10/2021 08:07

Wowzers OP its just a cake

Feedingthebirds1 · 31/10/2021 09:40

Thundercats77 A few of us guessed this was about more than cake. If you'd put some of your latest post in your OP you'd have got very different replies. Your MIL doesn't respect boundaries and has to be the first, the biggest, the best. It's all about her, and the cake is just one symptom of that.

You need to agree with DH how you're going to address this. It sounds like he's willing to make a half hearted effort to tell her no, but when she ignores it and tramples all over whatever he's said he doesn't have the bottle to stand up to her and say I meant it. And you're falling over yourself not to offend her too, telling your family no cake - not because you're being precious about DS's 1st birthday, but because you know how she'd react. DH needs to grow a backbone, and you need to learn not to act out of fear of her reaction, otherwise you're in for a lifetime of this. I'm already thinking of Christmas and what she's going to be like then. Expecting you to be at hers or her come to you on the day, to see him open his presents, to make sure hers is the biggest. Start planning for it now and stick to your guns.

You need to start standing up to her now. Not in a few years when you can't take any more of having your family and your wishes always having to be second and second best.

CactusLemonSpice · 31/10/2021 16:12

@lurkingattheback

IMIL going against your wishes is wrong but there was no need to be controlling about cake cutting and no one should be upset if they weren't there for the 'first'. There will be lots of firsts, for years and most of them will be forgotten.

If your MIL is often like this, the more rules and boundaries you set, the more she will push. Plan private moments, better moments for your family, cake for breakfast next year! If she knows what's important to you, by the rules you set she will push against them so have less rules, keep things quiet and if it's really important go away or do it the week before!

Agree with this. You'll have to do what you like, when you like, don't mention it.

Telling her not to bring cake was like a red flag to a bull.

People like this aren't reasonable. Best to tell her less. Lower your expectations. Do your own thing and don't try and appease her. It won't work.

CactusLemonSpice · 31/10/2021 16:23

Oh god, yes... decide for yourself what you want to do for Christmas. Don't be railroaded or guilt tripped into committing to some new Christmas tradition that won't suit you and your family. There be monsters.

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