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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday cake

291 replies

Thundercats77 · 30/10/2021 13:38

Long winded.... Today is my DS 1st birthday. We intend to celebrate this tomorrow with family and friends and have hired a venue and entertainment etc to do so (we couldn't find a venue today).

Today his actual birthday day, we are taking DS out to the circus . The circus is very close to where my parents live so we will be popping in to see them.

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents, DH side and we will all do one together tomorrow.

My husband and I will cut a cupcake with him today.

DGP asked if they could come round prior to going to the circus to drop off his presents. DH said yes but pressies only and nothing else.

They've come round and MIL has baked a cake with a candle declaring to wake DS up we are going to cut the cake.

I looked at DH who gave a well what can you do look to me and said meakley I said pressies only.

MIL piped up again, we are going to cut the cake. I had to then intercept as I was quite agitated at this point that I had said no cakes etc to my parents etc etc. And now it won't be fair on them so we won't cut the cake.

PIL seemed upset and said OK we will cut the cake tomorrow.

MIL always has a habit of doing what she wants.

AIBU to have said what I did?
If so any suggestions on how to handle this better.

It's put a real dampener on the day.

OP posts:
MistyFrequencies · 30/10/2021 15:56

Yeah this is your first baby isn't it. You'll read this back in a year or two and wonder why it was such an issue.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 15:57

the OP sounds like the only difficult person in that scenario.

LovePoppy · 30/10/2021 15:57

@Darkstar4855

You are being ridiculous. My son has one surviving grandparent. I would love for him to have four grandparents all wanting to visit with cake and presents.
Cool But that doesn’t mean all grandparents should get a pass.
itsallgoingpearshaped · 30/10/2021 15:58

In theory, YANBU as they've disregarded your request.

In reality, it sounds like OP's parents and DH's parents are quite competitive about 'firsts' ... ???

If so, that's what needs to be addressed, as you shouldn't have to be constantly be on edge and policing for 'fairness' as it all sounds rather over the top for a 1 year old who won't remember or appreciate any of this.

PinkMoon22 · 30/10/2021 15:59

It's a cake.
He won't remember any of this.

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/10/2021 16:03

Is this about more than the cake? Does MIL want to be first for everything? If your own mother had turned up with a cake even earlier in the day and you'd cut it, would she be the one saying it wasn't fair that your parents were first?

I just wonder if this is one instance in a longer line, or a one off before I decide. Your DH's limp response suggests she's a woman who may always want her own way and DH has been brought up to give in.

Blackmagicqueen · 30/10/2021 16:03

FFS let the kid have cake; hardly worth ruining the day for everyone! You can cut another one tomorrow, does it really matter? Honestly op you really should be counting yourseld licky you have caring grandparents making your child a cake! My dc don't have that.... yes yabu and a diva

Blackmagicqueen · 30/10/2021 16:04

yourself lucky*

Wife2b · 30/10/2021 16:05

I don’t understand - why can’t there be more than one cake?? Your MIL has kindly made your child a cake, a nice gesture from a grandparent. I don’t understand why you thought one set of grandparents would be upset that the other set had had cake and they couldn’t. Surely there could just be multiple cake and everyone’s happy?

LovePoppy · 30/10/2021 16:06

@Wife2b

I don’t understand - why can’t there be more than one cake?? Your MIL has kindly made your child a cake, a nice gesture from a grandparent. I don’t understand why you thought one set of grandparents would be upset that the other set had had cake and they couldn’t. Surely there could just be multiple cake and everyone’s happy?
How is making a cake after being told “no cake” a nice gesture?

Please explain

Dazedandconfused28 · 30/10/2021 16:06

Another kind gesture being interpreted as a slight, you really are over reacting & over thinking this.

Why does it matter if they have more than one cake? Your child will have zero memory in any case. I don't mean to be unkind, but do people really lead such blessed lives that an extra cake makes them agitated? Confused

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 16:07

I just can't imagine this level of micro-managing over such trivial things, warning both sets of parents not to produce a cake prior to the official day of celebrations as it would be 'unfair' and presumably dilute the power of his official birthday cake? Hence why you agreed to you and your DH somberly agreeing to dividing a cupcake with him today.

People are weird.

CactusLemonSpice · 30/10/2021 16:07

I'm definitely see why you're upset. You think of the birthday cake as a big deal and didn't want either set of gps to miss out on the show. And don't want your dp (who went along with the plan) to miss the show because MIL ignored what you said and did it anyway. It isn't about the cake. It's about respect.

I think it might be easier in future to either not bother trying to manage everyone else's feelings (they can all do cakes, and sulk about cakes, their problem), or simply not see either sets of dgp until the party so you can have your cake.

FatCatThinCat · 30/10/2021 16:08

You could have had cake before the circus with MIL, cake after the circus with your DM, and cake the next day at your party. What's wrong with that? The more cake the merrier!

Crimsonripple · 30/10/2021 16:09

What a lovely gesture if they want to make a cake. Stop being so bloody precious and a kill joy!

Musmerian · 30/10/2021 16:09

He’s one year old! He couldn’t care less about his birthday. I’m really not sure why you’re bothering with the circus either. You need to take a step back and realise how ridiculous you’re being.

satci · 30/10/2021 16:10

@drpet49

This is about the MIL not respecting her sons and DILs wishes. She was told no cake but still bought one round.
Absolutely this. (Although it has just made me want some cake really).
Chakraleaf · 30/10/2021 16:10

Massively over reacting

ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow · 30/10/2021 16:11

I might have misinterpreted this but your Pils wanted you to wake ds from his nap so they could give him cake? If so, yanbu to tell them no.

CactusLemonSpice · 30/10/2021 16:13

I think people who don't know why this is a big overstep are overlooking the huge social transactional and emotional significance of 'the birthday cake'. It's a thing. People make cake related power moves all the time. They really do.

BiscoffAddict · 30/10/2021 16:13

Am I unkind for thinking this is a kid fuss for a first birthday that they will have no memory of?!

KeyWorker · 30/10/2021 16:15

Good grief OP, I mean this kindly but stop making life so difficult for yourself. Have cake with your parents, have cake with the in laws, have cake at the party. Your son won’t know or care which the ‘official’ cake is nor will he remember. There is really no reason to become agitated. I mean I wouldn’t let them wake him from his nap (unless it was time to get up anyway) but they all want to be part of the celebration, I’d let them. Life is really too short to be so controlling over cake.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 30/10/2021 16:15

If they're wanting to cut the cake that is meant for tomorrow then yanbu but if its extra cake yabu, what does it matter? Your kid will be well chuffed with about 3 cakes every year when they're old enough to care 🤷‍♀️

Blackmagicqueen · 30/10/2021 16:16

'How is making a cake after being told “no cake” a nice gesture?'

Its bloody cake; hardly worth a thread over! They were having a cupcake anyway so the grandparents probably wanted to brighten up and celebrate what sounds like a controlled none birthday on the child's actual birthday! Whats wrong with a 2 day celebration!

Oftenithinkaboutit · 30/10/2021 16:17

* It's put a real dampener on the day.*

No words