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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday cake

291 replies

Thundercats77 · 30/10/2021 13:38

Long winded.... Today is my DS 1st birthday. We intend to celebrate this tomorrow with family and friends and have hired a venue and entertainment etc to do so (we couldn't find a venue today).

Today his actual birthday day, we are taking DS out to the circus . The circus is very close to where my parents live so we will be popping in to see them.

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents, DH side and we will all do one together tomorrow.

My husband and I will cut a cupcake with him today.

DGP asked if they could come round prior to going to the circus to drop off his presents. DH said yes but pressies only and nothing else.

They've come round and MIL has baked a cake with a candle declaring to wake DS up we are going to cut the cake.

I looked at DH who gave a well what can you do look to me and said meakley I said pressies only.

MIL piped up again, we are going to cut the cake. I had to then intercept as I was quite agitated at this point that I had said no cakes etc to my parents etc etc. And now it won't be fair on them so we won't cut the cake.

PIL seemed upset and said OK we will cut the cake tomorrow.

MIL always has a habit of doing what she wants.

AIBU to have said what I did?
If so any suggestions on how to handle this better.

It's put a real dampener on the day.

OP posts:
BelieveInRainbows · 30/10/2021 15:33

Oh OP. Your child is 1 and will not give a shiny shit about any of this cake drama. He has grandparents who love him and wanted to do something nice for his birthday, that's not a bad thing. Plus, you get an extra cake to eat!

My DS1 ended up with 3 cakes on his 1st birthday (I made one, my mum bought one and MIL made one) and he didn't eat any of them. Mushed them up and chucked it on the floor. He's 6 and still doesn't like cake Grin

TeenMinusTests · 30/10/2021 15:35

@SparrowNest

I think everyone is being a bit mean. You made the rule when you thought you were only seeing your parents on the day, because you didn’t want your parents-in-law to be left out of the celebrations, and now they’ve ignored your explicitly stated wishes and you feel like you’ve been unfair to your parents as a result.

In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter, and for your own sanity it’s the kind of thing you just need to let it go, but I do get where you’re coming from.

This. I think the OP did it to be fair. So neither set of GPs could say 'well we celebrated on the actual day' or feel put out that other other set had had preferential treatment.
Oh4Tunas · 30/10/2021 15:37

I think it's silly to make a big to-do about cake. Almost any child would be thrilled and excited to have more than one cake. They won't not want the 2nd or 3rd chance to blow out a candle and have cake. The first time isn't any better than the second.

But MIL shouldn't have ignored your wishes. I would be somewhat annoyed with your husband for making you be the bad guy.

loulou0987 · 30/10/2021 15:37

Is this your first?

Riverlee · 30/10/2021 15:39

I understand where you are coming from. It’s not about the cake, per se, but about both grandparents celebrating dc’s first baby together - being fair to both grandparents.

Actually, it is about the cake a little, as mil hasn’t respected op’s wishes.

Also, it’s not really up to mil to make the birthday cake either.

ColinTheKoala · 30/10/2021 15:39

@drpet49

This is about the MIL not respecting her sons and DILs wishes. She was told no cake but still bought one round.
Oh for goodness sake, it's a cake. The OP's child is ONE

It's like getting precious over extra Christmas stockings.

I know some MILs (and mums) like to interfere but honestly, some mums need to get a sense of proportion.

hotmeatymilk · 30/10/2021 15:43

I voted Yanbu because you made the rule and are trying to keep things fair BUT I think the rule was ridiculous in the first place.
This. It’s not entirely clear but I’m guessing you wanted both sets of grandparents to see the first birthday cake being presented, spittled on and cut, at the same time, for “fairness”. It’s a kind if batshit thought and one that puts a mad amount of pressure on something fundamentally unimportant.

First birthdays are for the parents, not the kid, so your baby won’t care or know. And it won’t really make any difference – your parents really won’t care if they’re seeing the first, second or 100th candle blow. (And once the kid is two, sometimes you do have to relight the candles and do it umpteen times Grin)

Is there a history of MIL riding roughshod and DH being a milquetoast about it? And this is the straw that broke the camel’s back? Because as above, yes I’d be irritated at her ignoring your boundary, but it’s a silly boundary to choose to die on, really.

RogerThatBravoOne · 30/10/2021 15:43

It’s my DS’ 1st birthday today too! Happy
Birthday!
He’s allergic to dairy so we’ve got three cakes- a vegan one for him, a Halloween one because why not? And a Colin the caterpillar because one relative thinks it atrocious to not celebrate a 1st birthday without one… he’s none the wiser and no one seems put out… that I’ve noticed?
I bought one, my relative bought one and mil bought another. Although I sense that the Halloween one was rated the best WinkHalloween Wink

AnotherSoddingWalk · 30/10/2021 15:43

Oh get a bloody grip - life's going to throw much worse at you than an extra sodding cake. If this gets you in such a lather then you've got some growing up to do.

GreyhoundG1rl · 30/10/2021 15:43

Someone baked an extra cake and it's apparently ruined your day?? Really??
Indeed... Oh, the humanity.

lisaandalan · 30/10/2021 15:45

@Cuntness
I understand she is cross that she is not respecting her boundaries, but as most other people have said I think she's being a bit precious, I get the impression she is not fond of mother in law. X

HazelandChacha · 30/10/2021 15:46

I have specifically told my family not to get/make a cake as it won't be fair on DS other set of grandparents, DH side and we will all do one together tomorrow

Hang on. You told your family not to make cake but no one specifically told PIL not to make a cake & they are the ones who turned up with one?

I do understand that you wanted to be the one to do DS 1st birthday cake so YANBU to be upset about that. MIL has had her children and made their cakes, this is your turn, but maybe DH needs to be more specific in future with MIL instead of saying ‘just pressies’. He needs to say ‘we will be doing the cake’. You shouldn’t have to but not everyone has the same ideas about these things.

Don’t let it spoil the day @Thundercats77
Flowers

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/10/2021 15:46

@Wingedharpy

Your poor son. His 1st birthday, ruined. He may need cake therapy when he's older to help deal with the trauma.Wink
Ooh, I KNOW!

I have....NO memories at all of my first birthday (nor my second or third and the 4th was memorable only because I was allowed out of bed for the first time whilst recovering from near-fatal meningitis...)!

hotmeatymilk · 30/10/2021 15:46

Also my baby turned one in lockdown, didn’t get a party, and no homemade cake because we were mid-renovation when it began and only had a hot plate. Not what I had imagined but it was all fine! We bought a shop cake, had a Zoom party, and DD put her foot in the cake anyway.

Over-imagining how things will be is generally a recipe for disaster where small children (and life) are concerned anyway; see above re accidental cake stomp and photo backdrop of disaster renovation. Learn to let the small things go now (unless MIL really is a dragon and this is tip of the iceberg).

Cuntness · 30/10/2021 15:47

[quote lisaandalan]@Cuntness
I understand she is cross that she is not respecting her boundaries, but as most other people have said I think she's being a bit precious, I get the impression she is not fond of mother in law. X[/quote]
I'm not fond of mine so I'm probably projecting 🤣

TeeTotaller1 · 30/10/2021 15:49

The more cake the better imo

Darkstar4855 · 30/10/2021 15:50

You are being ridiculous. My son has one surviving grandparent. I would love for him to have four grandparents all wanting to visit with cake and presents.

lisaandalan · 30/10/2021 15:51

@Cuntness
I can't stand mine either she's vile would not even let my children in her house anymore once they could move and touch things. X

Ionlydomassiveones · 30/10/2021 15:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Phphion · 30/10/2021 15:52

Frankly, their ability to procure cake from a range of sources is one of the best things about having a child.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 30/10/2021 15:53

Grandparents getting your son a birthday cake has 'put a real dampener on the day'.

Get a liiiiiife, woman.

Cantstopthewaves · 30/10/2021 15:55

@TrickOrTreat21x

YABU. It's just cake. It doesn't mean anything it's just cake!
Potentially the cake is very significant. We're steering into Grandparent wars and which set of parents are 'the best'. The PILs now look more thoughtful and are potentially pushing the boundaries in order to make OP's family look and feel inferior. I'm happy to be told I'm wrong but I'm guessing there's some truth in what I'm saying.
LovePoppy · 30/10/2021 15:56

It’s not about the cake though

It’s about MILs lack of respect

Belledan1 · 30/10/2021 15:56

You are very lucky you grandson has such nice
Grandparents who care. 1 is young too he wont remember.

Bellyups · 30/10/2021 15:56

Fuck me. It’s just cake.