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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

298 replies

CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 13:38

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

OP posts:
GenderApostatemk2 · 30/10/2021 17:01

Lots of places are giving bonuses to new staff, that’s how desperate they are. He’s pathetic.
My DD’s partner pays 5x that for his 2 and has them Fri-Sun every week and half the school holidays and pays towards uniforms etc. that’s what decent Dads do.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 30/10/2021 17:02

I can't believe some posters are encouraging the OP to downgrade the quality of her child's shoes so the kid's father can parent less than he's doing at the moment (which is precious little).

What low standards they have for men.

Wildheartsease · 30/10/2021 17:08

Why are you responsible for his living conditions?

He is responsible for his daughter's living conditions - and CMS have decided what he should pay. Stick with that. He has to 'man-up' and sort out his own work or housing.

You are not responsible for him. He should not be asking.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 30/10/2021 17:12

The supermarket where I work is crying out for staff at the moment. We are having to use agency staff to cover. I suggest you look on the jobs page of the supermarket he works at, are they advertising for staff, if so then he is probably lying to you about not being able to get more hours.

3peassuit · 30/10/2021 17:17

Why on earth is he paying rent to his parents for use of the bedrooms once a fortnight? He needs to stop that, work full time or offer 50/50 contact. Do not let him guilt trip into cutting back on the already small amount of maintenance he contributes.

Bedsheets4knickers · 30/10/2021 17:17

Do not fall for it . I work in a supermarket trust me they are always short staffed and their is always overtime . I could work 7 days a week if needed . Don't back down.

Hugoslavia · 30/10/2021 17:18

If he can't afford the rent on his place and his parents, perhaps he should move in with them then, or perhaps go to them for financial help.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/10/2021 17:21

@Viviennemary

He needs to get a full time job. No you shouldn't accept any less maintenance.
This.

His finances are NOT your responsibility.

Your child is entitle to a decent quality of life - not just the two of you scraping by.

You said (I think) that he works fewer hours than you - tell him to get off his backside and get more hours. Or move back in with his parents.

Please don't let him abdicate his responsibilities, no matter how sorry for him you feel. Your DD is your first priority, and there will be a huge difference for her (and you) if you have a bit more cash than you absolutely need to live from day to day. It reduces stress on you, means that you can buy her occasional treats, and means you don't have to be worried about an unexpected expense.

Insist on your court-appointed maintenance.

If he wants to, he can go to court to try to get it reduced.

CalamariGames · 30/10/2021 17:21

I agree he should work more or reduce his living expenses. Maybe he could negotiate with his parents to reduce the rent on his rooms?

storminateacupagain · 30/10/2021 17:24

I am sure he could find a second job if he really wanted to or sack off the lodger and not pay for space in parents house.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/10/2021 17:25

My response would be 'Thanks for the laugh, I needed it after looking at my outgoings for DD this month".

Seriously though, I'd tell him to get a 2nd job, I'm sure there are places hiring people for irregular shifts or fill in work. Stop the rent on the 2nd room at the parent's. There's no reason he and DD can't sleep in the same room, even if one of them is on a camp bed or blow up mattress on the floor. Of course that may mean they then start renting out that 2nd bedroom, but I'm sure they'd vet carefully, for themselves if not for their DGD.

Is there a reason that Ex's current house-share mate shouldn't be around DD? Would there be security or privacy issues? If not, why can't she stay there overnight, again a camp bed or blow up mattress. It's only once a fortnight.

The amount you pay for shoes is irrelevant, regardless of whether they're needed or just 'wanted' . You aren't asking for more, you are just not agreeing to less. As long as you can make your budget 'work' on the amount that was set by CMS it doesn't matter how you spend the money for her if all of her needs and some of her wants are met.

sst1234 · 30/10/2021 17:25

He needs to work full time. Hi t’s not the taxpayers job to look after his child.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 30/10/2021 17:27

The reason he's trying to guilt trip the OP of course must be that he knows neither the courts or his parents will put up with his entitled behaviour.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/10/2021 17:33

@theemperorhasnoclothes

The reason he's trying to guilt trip the OP of course must be that he knows neither the courts or his parents will put up with his entitled behaviour.
Correct!
StTherese · 30/10/2021 17:37

Why doesn’t he just move back in with his parents so he’s only paying one lot of rent? Would he qualify for UC?

A friend has 3 children. Her ex is SE and apparently he’s made a loss for the last few years therefore no CM has been paid. Despite this, he drives a new Tesla, lives in a flashy house, etc.

Some (not all!) fathers are a disgrace.

2pinkginsplease · 30/10/2021 17:41

If he was working full time and couldn’t afford what he had to pay then I would probably be a bit more lenient, but he clearly is only working part time and therefore needs to get a full time job to pay for his child!

MojoJojo71 · 30/10/2021 17:45

Ignore. If he can’t afford to live then, like everyone else, he has 2 choices - work more or cut back on his expenses. Why on Earth is he paying 2 lots of rent? Cutting back on providing for his child is not an option

askingforafriend86 · 30/10/2021 17:59

Could he not get a second job to make up the £105
I was in the fence initially but actually why should you or dd miss out because he cba to get another job!

PurpleOkapi · 30/10/2021 18:02

Why is he paying for two houses? Lots of people have housemates. That shouldn't stop him from seeing DD at the house he lives in, or stop his parents from visiting if they want to be part of that time. If that specific housemate is a problem, get rid of him or move somewhere else when the lease is up. Then he can stop paying rent to his parents for two rooms at their house.

Or he could just stay at his parents', continue paying rent there, and stop paying rent for the other house. (Or rent out the extra room at the other house if he owns the place.) That doesn't need to be a permanent arrangement - just long enough for him to find another place with either no housemate, or a less problematic housemate.

I don't doubt that he's finding it difficult to live on that amount, but there are better options than cutting CM.

mellicauli · 30/10/2021 18:02

So he earns £850 a month and has a second home.
And now he says he can't afford to spend £25 a week on upkeep of his daughter.
Hilarious.
Maybe he should just stick to the one home like everyone else earning under £100k a year.

Cottonheadedninymuggins · 30/10/2021 18:12

Why wouldn't he ask his parents for no rent? Or if he can move in with them full time rather than just paying rent for every so often and paying rent for his own place? Or work more hours/change his job?

The very least he can do is provide for his daughter, why should she miss out just because he 'doesn't want to....' do the other stuff that would make more money?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 30/10/2021 18:15

I’d be sending him links to recruitment agency’s and advising him 25.50p per week is nothing for him to financially support his daughter .

SpilltheTea · 30/10/2021 18:26

Why should your child suffer because his priorities are all wrong? He's full of shit and an absolute disgrace. You shouldn't feel sorry for him in the slightest.

Original poster
CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 18:29

Sorry I was catching up on emails from work and forgot to check back.

To answer questions.

Yes DDs condition is diagnosed by an NHS professional but unfortunately she's not bad enough to be considered for shoes on the NHS - we've been for the assessment and this is what we've been told so I have to buy the shoes myself, they are literally the only shoes DD can wear that she can walk in, and walk in without injuring herself - we're not talking falling over and grazing her knee we're talking falling over and fracturing her hip, she fractured her eye socket falling over before we got these shoes and needed surgery to pin it back together so I am not going back there.

I have no idea why he doesn't work more, I suspect he is actually working more and hiding it.

He can't kick his housemate out, they're joint tennants. I have told him DD could sleep in his bed and him on the sofa but he said he likes things the way they are, plus I suspect his mum does most of the actual care. If I go back to court they'd either stick to the current arrangement or remove the overnights which doesn't help me mu ch in terms of working - i currently use breaks and flexi time to sort DD out for school etc. so this is my "catch up" time which I'm paid for, I also like my job and could never quit. I could go up to fulltime but in terms of childcare I wouldn't be any better off financially so I stick with 25 hours for now.

For those asking I earn betwene £250 and £300 a week depends on if I get a bonus or not I do maybe once or twice a month from my job plus I get UC, CB and the CM. So my income total is about £1.2k per month but I spend most if not all of that on DD, I do get my haircut or buy new clothes when I need them. If I didn't get his money I might have to go longer without those, but I would not compromise my DDs upbringing for the sake of a haircut.

The court order actually states 1 night per fortnight overnight, 1 night per week for tea, and 50% of the 2 week and 6 week holidays. He only has her EOW for the 1 night and occasionally for tea for special occasions.

I do feel bad for him of course I do, but it's whether I use that and help him or not, but most of MN seem to think I shouldn't so I will go back and read all the replies.

OP posts:
TravelLost · 30/10/2021 18:32

Honestly? She is his child and she is his responsibility too.

Yiu are working to ensure she has a roof over her head, food on the table and equipment as needed for her. The least he can do is to ensure he can pay CM.
If he thinks it’s too much and he is struggling, then he has to make it work somehow. He can’t just stop paying for his child. I mean what would he do if your weren’t here? Stop feeding her?