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Original poster

CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

298 replies

CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 13:38

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 30/10/2021 16:05

I'm also struggling to understand how this is the absolute maximum possible he can earn. Even a minimum wage FT job would pay more than this. It sounds like he's just not looking hard enough.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 30/10/2021 16:08

@Rainbowqueeen

It is his expenses overall that are the problem. He would prefer to reduce cms rather than reduce any of his other expenses or increase his income. I would not agree to this. He needs to make better choices and behave like an adult and a parent
This. How little he must care for his / your daughter to even suggest this.

It's a disgusting suggestion. Stick up for your daughter - why can't he live at his parents so he can support his child? That is what a decent parent would do .

gelatodipistacchio · 30/10/2021 16:09

Ignore

gettingolderandgrumpy · 30/10/2021 16:10

Nah sorry he can earn more he could hand her more if not for the court order I’m guessing there is a reason for this . It’s not a lot op he should provide for his child and do not feel sorry for him .

EverdeRose · 30/10/2021 16:14

Well he needs to cut his cloth differently or increase his income.

£102 wouldn't cover bus fare and lunches when she gets go high-school.

Osrie · 30/10/2021 16:16

Ignore. Time to grow up and take responsibility….before he has any more children too!

theemperorhasnoclothes · 30/10/2021 16:18

Given the fact he's conveniently explained his outgoings to you to try and guilt you into giving up your daughter's money, I'd suggest a few areas he can cut back.

The obvious one is living with his parents full time since he pays for the rooms. Or working more. Maybe send him a few job ads - people are crying out for hospitality staff, jobs aren't that hard to come by right now. Or having DD more often so you can work more (if you're happy he looks after her adequately which, given his shitty suggestion, might not be the case - he clearly doesn't put her best interests over his own selfishness).

Explain that losing that very small amount of money per month will directly harm his DD. So if he needs more money it needs to come from somewhere else. Fortunately he has a lot of options - living with his parents, working more, looking after his child more so you can work more.

I'd also let whoever processes the payments that he's trying to guilt you out of the money your daughter is legally entitled to. Decent fathers don't do this.

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/10/2021 16:21

I'm disappointed you even need to ask. Don't be a mug.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 30/10/2021 16:21

@Carrotsticks23

Unfortunately he has a child and he needs to pay for her to live first and foremost. It is not an option to stop paying for his child.

If he is struggling he needs to look at ways to earn more money or ways to cut back. Sounds like he can't afford the 2 rents. I do see how he would be struggling on £800 a Month but the one thing he can't sacrifice is his daughyer

It *shouldn't be an option not to
Rosscameasdoody · 30/10/2021 16:21

I know you said not to ask you to apply for child DLA again but can I ask a question ? Did you fill in the form yourself or did you have help ? If you suspect that the decision - even the one upheld by the tribunal - is wrong it may be worth getting professional help to complete a new application form. With DLA and PIP it’s all about how you fill in the form and the evidence you supply to back up what you’re saying. The other thing is that as the child gets older if they still need help and supervision at an age where they should be gaining independence, then it really should be looked at again.

ChargingBuck · 30/10/2021 16:23

@baileys6904

85 quid for shoes???? For a 7 year old? That's more than comfortable and to be honest, I'd try and give him a break even if just temporarily. Show a bit of kindness now and it may come back in the future
What does this Ex & piss-poor parent done to deserve kindness, @baileys6904?

He works part time, & is trying to wriggle out of paying £102 a month for his own child.

What would be "kind" about letting him off the tiny amount he pays, instead of telling the workshy, child-avoiding fucker to up his hours? & how can you imagine that a father trying to get out of financial responsibility for his child will suddenly have a character transplant & step up in the future - but if only, in your view, if the OP takes an unfair hit now?
That's not "kindness" it's delusional.

What about a bit of "kindness" toward OP, who is shouldering the burden, solo?

WaterBottle123 · 30/10/2021 16:29

He needs to work full time. Second job if necessary.

Redtartanshoes · 30/10/2021 16:29

If he was having her loads and was struggling financially then I’d have some sympathy. It just sounds to me like he’s trying to opt out of parenting.

He needs to work more. He’s got 13 days a fortnight he can work as many hours as he can without having to worry about childcare. Or he should be offering to do more in relation to child care. But he’s doing nothing: fuck that.

Have you actually seen his wage slips or bank statements? I’d put my mortgage on him trying to shaft you… he’s earning more that he’s telling you. 💯

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/10/2021 16:30

"He is working his contract hours only in a local supermarket that’s it, he says he’s tried to get other jobs but can’t and they won’t give him more hours."

Bollocks to that! Walking down my High Street yesterday, every other shop and cafe had a 'Staff Wanted' sign in the window. Most 'big' shops has adverts online for staff. So he can't be trying very hard at all. Or, he's deliberately sabotaging any interviews /enquiries he makes.

He needs to raise his income or reduce his expenses (rent etc). Child Maintenance should be non-negotiable, especially when he's paying so little towards his daughter's upkeep.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 30/10/2021 16:31

Yes and what about kindness to the child? It's not kind to her what he's suggesting.

He's throwing his own daughter under the bus so he doesn't have to work a normal amount - and it sounds like there's nothing other than laziness preventing him from working more as he's not caring for his child very much at all.

As she gets older she'll see this - stand up for her now OP. Don't let him get away with putting his desire not to work more (or move in with his parents) above his daughter's needs.

Unsure33 · 30/10/2021 16:36

He needs to ask his parents not to charge him rent ? Don’t they get the benefit of seeking their grandchild as well . That sounds ridiculous tbh .

theemperorhasnoclothes · 30/10/2021 16:40

That's a good point - what about her grandparents? Would they rather their grandchild go without the shoes she needs (and yes, special shoes are expensive) or stop asking for rent for her room?

I suspect there's a reason that they charge him rent for those rooms though, that they know he's a lazy selfish arse and are trying to instil some responsibility and adult behaviour by setting some boundaries. I bet you there's a back story to that.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 30/10/2021 16:41

What's your relationship like with the GP OP? I wonder how they'd react if you told them that he wanted to deny your DD the child maintenance she's legally and morally entitled to to maintain his lifestyle of not working much?

diddl · 30/10/2021 16:43

Why does he pay rent at his parents-does he really need to be paying for 2 rooms for contact once a fortnight?

If she only stays with him one night a fortnight, could she have his room & he sleep on the sofa, or both in his room?

VampireVicki · 30/10/2021 16:43

I am a bit confused to be honest.

  1. Why can't DD stay at his? He can sleep on the sofa or on an airbed in the same room.
  2. It's total bollocks that he can't work more hours. TOTAL BULLSHIT.
  3. Why doesn't he stop paying rent on two properties and rent one property (a one bed flat) where he can DD could be without any lodgers?

I refer you back to point 2. Even if they hate him where he is and don't want to give him more hours, he could get a second job, or apply for a new full time job. He thinks you are thick.

ratspeaker · 30/10/2021 16:43

The amount CMS calculate is the MINIMUM they reckon he should be paying in support for his child.
That he chooses to pay 2 lots or rent is not your problem.
That he doesn't work more hours is not your problem

I can quite believe the cost of shoes, not every child has standard feet that can be put in supermarket shoes or cheaper shoes.
My son has very broad feet, school shoes were a nightmare especially by his teens he was into adultsize 13

billy1966 · 30/10/2021 16:49

Absolutely do not entertain this lazy man doing the minimum.

He can get another job.

What a waster.

SeekingMeTime · 30/10/2021 16:49

Completely ignore, he’s doing the bare minimum and you shouldn’t cave into his demands

HugeAckmansWife · 30/10/2021 16:58

The cost of shoes or whether or not the op has correctly applied for DLA is not the issue. As a pp said, even if the op was earning a 6 figure salary or won the lottery, the child's father should still be contributing the bare legal minimum set according to his wage. If he can't, he needs to reorganise his finances so he can. The op finding cheaper shoes or getting a professional to look over her DLA application is not the answer to this.

cptartapp · 30/10/2021 17:01

So he's responsible for her 24/7 half of every week and her sees her....one night a fortnight!?
You are saving him thousands in childcare, hundreds of thousands over the years.
Tell him you'll go 50/50 on everything including residency and then he won't have to pay you a penny. Or swap. He can take a turn at having her the vast majority of the time and you'll pay him CM.
Otherwise ignore.