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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

298 replies

CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 13:38

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 30/10/2021 13:49

YANBU. Why should you worry about a man who refuses to have his child more and wouldn't even have her more if he lost his job?

Why can't he find a job with more hours or a second job? It's not like he has to worry about childcare.

Innocenta · 30/10/2021 13:50

@baileys6904

85 quid for shoes???? For a 7 year old? That's more than comfortable and to be honest, I'd try and give him a break even if just temporarily. Show a bit of kindness now and it may come back in the future
I can't believe you're criticising what OP buys for her disabled seven-year-old. Her DD has a muscle condition - that type of condition often limits which shoes are suitable to wear.

Her ExH is the problem here.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 30/10/2021 13:50

No, if he needs to negotiate with anyone it’s his parents. He doesn’t get to duck out of more parental responsibilities because his parents charge him rent for sleeping over twice a month.

RavingAnnie · 30/10/2021 13:51

Why on earth is he paying rent on a house and at his parents?

SnarkyBag · 30/10/2021 13:51

Definitely don’t agree to a reduction! He’s massively taking the piss by asking.

MagentaRocks · 30/10/2021 13:52

@baileys6904

85 quid for shoes???? For a 7 year old? That's more than comfortable and to be honest, I'd try and give him a break even if just temporarily. Show a bit of kindness now and it may come back in the future
I imagine the shoes are expensive due to her child’s muscle condition
Heiferr · 30/10/2021 13:52

@baileys6904

85 quid for shoes???? For a 7 year old? That's more than comfortable and to be honest, I'd try and give him a break even if just temporarily. Show a bit of kindness now and it may come back in the future
"Kindness"? Is this a joke? His child is not the reason for his financial difficulties, his own choices are. The primary caregiver doesn't get the opportunity to take a temporary break from feeding/clothing/sheltering the child so why the hell should the part time parent when the alternative is that he attempts to earn more money??
minimecantrollerskate · 30/10/2021 13:53

He appears to be working 20 hours a week at NMW. No, you don't reduce his CM, he needs to get off his arse and work full time, even if it means 2 different jobs.

He might be able stay in a Travelodge or B&B cheaper than what his parents are charging him, especially if it was a regular arrangement. He could visit them in the daytime, have meals or whatever then stay overnight elsewhere. His current strange setup is not your problem.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/10/2021 13:53

Fuck him.
Reply with a full breakdown of every penny you spend on or for your child - including a portion of utilities, difference in house cost due to additional bedroom needed.

Ask him why he thinks the pittance he contributes is too much compared to what you contribute.

And fuck be kind. Fuck it in the arse. With a poker. A hot one. Covered in chilli powder.

Tee20x · 30/10/2021 13:53

He needs a full time job surely?

Can't afford to live? Ha - how does he expect you to live yourself and provide for your DD that you have the majority of the time ?!

She is both of your responsibility so why should you be sympathetic to the fact that he has no money. Ugh.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2021 13:53

Ignore. As if he should be asking for a reduction in supporting his child. First ignore, then laugh, then reciprocate with a list of her expenses.

Why’s he not working more hours?

Why does he see her so little?

Tee20x · 30/10/2021 13:54

What enrages me about this is the fact that that £102 is fucking nothing!!!

Send a breakdown of all the costs associated with DD then tell him he isn't contributing near enough his share anyway.

What a joker.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 30/10/2021 13:55

Spell.it out to him, his parents are taking money from him and his daughter. He is effectively paying them to see their grandchild.

If anyone needs to stop taking money from him it is them.

Be blunt... his situation is ludicrous.

Larryyourwaiter · 30/10/2021 13:56

Why is he working so few hours? I don’t understand. It looks as if you are working more than him and you have sole charge of a charge.

Send him a list of all the costs associated with DD, food, heat, clothing, housing her - show him how much £100 goes towards.

Naunet · 30/10/2021 13:56

So is he offering to have her more to make up for the proposed shortfall?

backtoschool1234 · 30/10/2021 13:57

Think of what your daughter needs, and only that. He is choosing to work less than full time (must be as £190 a week is not minimum wage for full time hours) but doesn't use his free time to ease the burden of the cost of childcare or see his child more. He is choosing to live in a way that means he can't facilitate contact at his property, causing the additional rental costs.

I have had the sob story and for a while chose to give the benefit of the doubt and be kind but ime you give people an inch and they will try and take a mile.

It is his responsibility to make sure he can provide for his DC, he doesn't get to pass the problem onto you.

Original poster
CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 13:57

£85 shoes are the only shoes suitable for school she can wear without injuring herself, I have no choice but to buy them.

He is working his contract hours only in a local supermarket that’s it, he says he’s tried to get other jobs but can’t and they won’t give him more hours.

He can’t have her overnight at his because of the housemate so takes her back to his parents. Before overnights he was paying more so he tries to make it work - and I don’t want overnights to stop as that’s my chance work without needing to do school run or bedtime so it works for me at least.

OP posts:
Fraine · 30/10/2021 13:58

£25 a week is a pittance! Don’t fall for it!

Rainbowqueeen · 30/10/2021 13:59

It is his expenses overall that are the problem. He would prefer to reduce cms rather than reduce any of his other expenses or increase his income.

I would not agree to this. He needs to make better choices and behave like an adult and a parent

Dervel · 30/10/2021 14:02

I’m a separated father, I’d be frankly embarrassed to go to my ex to ‘beg’ for CM reductions. What I don’t like about his position is it is all about him and not about the child. Honestly I’d be looking to maximise time with my daughter if at all possible, and not to minimise the costs.

If he’d approached this more from a platform of I can’t afford CM how else could I contribute to meeting DD’s I’d have a little more sympathy (but not much more).

Dervel · 30/10/2021 14:02

Meeting DD’s needs*

ivykaty44 · 30/10/2021 14:02

renting two properties is his problem with money
not working full time - if he was working 37 hrs per week at minimum wage then he would be earning £1289 net and the infant his upkeep for his daughter would increase

HouseOfFire · 30/10/2021 14:03

that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there

Well he should move somewhere he can have dd to stay and only pay 1 set of rent?

BarkminsterBlue · 30/10/2021 14:03

@CMOrNoCM

£85 shoes are the only shoes suitable for school she can wear without injuring herself, I have no choice but to buy them.

He is working his contract hours only in a local supermarket that’s it, he says he’s tried to get other jobs but can’t and they won’t give him more hours.

He can’t have her overnight at his because of the housemate so takes her back to his parents. Before overnights he was paying more so he tries to make it work - and I don’t want overnights to stop as that’s my chance work without needing to do school run or bedtime so it works for me at least.

I don’t buy it. Everywhere in hospitality and retail is hiring at the moment.
Lovelymincepies · 30/10/2021 14:03

God no, he can go find another job. There are jobs out there, he needs to look harder.