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Original poster

CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

298 replies

CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 13:38

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 30/10/2021 22:19

Does the exH have some sort of disability to explain the part time hours? ADHD maybe?

HugeAckmansWife · 30/10/2021 22:38

Oh ffs. How does ADHD make it impossible for someone to manage a nmw job in a supermarket? If he can do 20 hours he can do 30 or 35 and if he can't maybe he should have undertaken to not have kids. The OP says literally nothing about him having any kind of LD.. That's pretty impressive barrel scraping looking for reasons why a 'father' might be doing his best by providing less than £4 a day for his child.

fibrecruncher · 30/10/2021 22:46

Hi Op. Sorry but he's trying to take advantage of you. You sound very understanding and good natured please don't feel you have to be responsible for him.

Phineyj · 30/10/2021 22:53

He is breaking the court order anyway by having her much less than he is supposed to. He should therefore be paying more money, not less!

SpaceshiptoMars · 30/10/2021 23:01

@HugeAckmansWife

Oh ffs. How does ADHD make it impossible for someone to manage a nmw job in a supermarket? If he can do 20 hours he can do 30 or 35 and if he can't maybe he should have undertaken to not have kids. The OP says literally nothing about him having any kind of LD.. That's pretty impressive barrel scraping looking for reasons why a 'father' might be doing his best by providing less than £4 a day for his child.
One of my DSCs just couldn't get it together to work fulltime. Now on medication, and has to be dragged from the office late in the evening!

They had problems organizing themselves to leave the house, everything was done in slow motion, constantly distracted, things forgotten...

Sometimes there is an explanation.

OfNick · 30/10/2021 23:04

Have you applied for DLA for your DD OP? What muscle condition is it?

Northernlurker · 30/10/2021 23:11

£25 a week is not very much. Don't let him off a penny. Why should your child have less so he can have more.

Babyroobs · 30/10/2021 23:28

@OfNick

Have you applied for DLA for your DD OP? What muscle condition is it?
Op says in her post that she has applied for DLA five times and been refused.
HugeAckmansWife · 30/10/2021 23:36

spaceship he's an adult with a dependent child. If he suspected he had a LD that was causing him to be unable to maximise his earnings, he should have investigated that and got help, medication or counselling or whatever. Less than £4 a day is a fucking joke.

Lovealovestory · 31/10/2021 01:30

@CMOrNoCM

Sorry I was catching up on emails from work and forgot to check back.

To answer questions.

Yes DDs condition is diagnosed by an NHS professional but unfortunately she's not bad enough to be considered for shoes on the NHS - we've been for the assessment and this is what we've been told so I have to buy the shoes myself, they are literally the only shoes DD can wear that she can walk in, and walk in without injuring herself - we're not talking falling over and grazing her knee we're talking falling over and fracturing her hip, she fractured her eye socket falling over before we got these shoes and needed surgery to pin it back together so I am not going back there.

I have no idea why he doesn't work more, I suspect he is actually working more and hiding it.

He can't kick his housemate out, they're joint tennants. I have told him DD could sleep in his bed and him on the sofa but he said he likes things the way they are, plus I suspect his mum does most of the actual care. If I go back to court they'd either stick to the current arrangement or remove the overnights which doesn't help me mu ch in terms of working - i currently use breaks and flexi time to sort DD out for school etc. so this is my "catch up" time which I'm paid for, I also like my job and could never quit. I could go up to fulltime but in terms of childcare I wouldn't be any better off financially so I stick with 25 hours for now.

For those asking I earn betwene £250 and £300 a week depends on if I get a bonus or not I do maybe once or twice a month from my job plus I get UC, CB and the CM. So my income total is about £1.2k per month but I spend most if not all of that on DD, I do get my haircut or buy new clothes when I need them. If I didn't get his money I might have to go longer without those, but I would not compromise my DDs upbringing for the sake of a haircut.

The court order actually states 1 night per fortnight overnight, 1 night per week for tea, and 50% of the 2 week and 6 week holidays. He only has her EOW for the 1 night and occasionally for tea for special occasions.

I do feel bad for him of course I do, but it's whether I use that and help him or not, but most of MN seem to think I shouldn't so I will go back and read all the replies.

How odd. We were offered shoes without assessment and for much less severe needs. I would push again for shoes, see if consultant can help. I wonder if you are in a stingy trust area. Also you don't mention dla in your income, I'd imagine she's entitled to at least middle rate care and high rate mobility from what you have said here.
Lovealovestory · 31/10/2021 01:32

Sorry I missed the part where you were refused. Have you had help with the forms? I really can't see how she wouldn't be entitled. There is a good Facebook group for dla support

SarahBellam · 31/10/2021 01:45

I’d reply something to the tune of:

“No. She is your daughter. The money for her comes first; she needs it and as it costs you less than £4 a day you are already getting a really good deal. If you are struggling to make ends meet you need to up your hours, get a better paid job, or renegotiate your rent with your landlord or parents, not take the food from your own daughter’s mouth.”

Ilovechristmasasmuchasiloveyou · 31/10/2021 05:38

Definitely don't let him pay less. He has the free will of working more without worrying about childcare costs. He should be working as many hours possible to give you more than £100 a month.

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 05:45

He's taking the piss, no he can't pay less.

liveforsummer · 31/10/2021 07:31

He's paying rent to stay somewhere 2 times a month. I don't actually believe that however if it's true it's ridiculous. Tell him to invest in a decent air bed for his room for dd or to skeleton the sofa the 2 nights a month. Alternatively he could move in with his parents. He also must be really shit at his job if he can't currently get more hours in a supermarket, either that or again, he's lying. Anyway the CM isn't the thing that needs to change here.

SpaceshiptoMars · 31/10/2021 07:33

@HugeAckmansWife

spaceship he's an adult with a dependent child. If he suspected he had a LD that was causing him to be unable to maximise his earnings, he should have investigated that and got help, medication or counselling or whatever. Less than £4 a day is a fucking joke.
Actually, people don't suspect it if they manage to function after a fashion. DH and I didn't, with DSC, because there were many things they did well and their school reports were fine. It needed a private psychiatrist to diagnose.

The ex DH may well be a lazy-arsed so and so, but if there is a reason, then there may be a fix. That would make everyone happy.Smile

Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 07:56

Everyone saying he should get more work

I reckon someone like this is lucky to be even employed in the first place

HappyDays40 · 31/10/2021 08:25

I think if you tell him he does not
Nneed to pay then he will continue not to. The CMS have looked at what he has a deemed it amount suitable to live on. He needs to look at his outgoings and where he is living like every other adult human and cut his cloth accordingly. Please don't feel sorry for him it won't motivate him to sort his finances and living situation.

MargosKaftan · 31/10/2021 08:26

Dont offer him solutions ! That suggests you agree its a joint problem to fix between you so that he can manage his budget. The obvious solution is for him to stop paying double rent, so either find a way to have dd at his house or move back into his parents home, or get a new property with a spare room for her - but don't suggest any of these, this is his problem to solve and the minute you start making solution suggests, he can get into a debate about why all options don't work except the option he likes - paying you less.

MargosKaftan · 31/10/2021 08:27

BTW - he undoubtedly expects you to say no. He's asking you so he can go back to his parents and say "ex is a bitch who's taking all my money, you've got to help me out by stopping charging rent /charging less or you won't see DGD anymore."

Atalune · 31/10/2021 08:30

Redirect his letter to his parents who are charging him rent.

Belledan1 · 31/10/2021 08:39

Has he tried to get universal credit and help with rent? His wages are low. As others say is he working full time?

AuntieStella · 31/10/2021 09:53

@MargosKaftan

Dont offer him solutions ! That suggests you agree its a joint problem to fix between you so that he can manage his budget. The obvious solution is for him to stop paying double rent, so either find a way to have dd at his house or move back into his parents home, or get a new property with a spare room for her - but don't suggest any of these, this is his problem to solve and the minute you start making solution suggests, he can get into a debate about why all options don't work except the option he likes - paying you less.
Very much agree with this.

It's not your problem to solve.

CM is at CMS rates isn't exactly generous - it's the level below which the government might come after him. It's based on his income, so everyone at that level of income has to find a way to cope. I'd just tell him that of course CM is non-negotiable, and wish him well in balancing his budget.

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 10:10

I do feel bad for him of course I do

OP - may I ask why?

He's either lying about his hours & income as you suspect.
Or he's lazing around on 20 hours a week & expecting you to pick up the slack.

Neither option makes him someone to feel bad for.
Surely quite the reverse - he's a deadbeat dad looking to shirk even more responsibility.

What sort of a number has he done on you, that you would not only wonder if his obnoxious request to reduce maintenance is reasonable, but feel sorry for him while you're doing so?
This isn't to snark at you btw! - I just really hope you can keep asserting DD's rights, & remove yourself emotionally from your Ex's manipulation - because despite being split up, he is trying to financially abuse you & his own child.

& if he's lying about his hours, he's already financially abusing you.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 31/10/2021 11:56

Don't feel sorry for him! There are parents up and down the country - mums and dads - making huge sacrifices for their kids, working all hours to support them, going without things themselves to benefit their kids. And then you have this guy who does the minimum possible and 'doesn't want to change' his lifestyle. DO NOT feel sorry for him.

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