Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 11 12

Original poster

CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

298 replies

CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 13:38

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 30/10/2021 15:30

I’d be crippled financially if I barely worked too. Which is a terrible way to be if it’s because of your health or a condition if some kind or childcare needs etc. He doesn’t seem to have any of those which makes it a choice. There is work around. No less maintenance!

Babyroobs · 30/10/2021 15:30

Paying two lots of rent is ridiculous just for one night a fortnight at his parents.

Clementineapples · 30/10/2021 15:32

Dear ex
Unfortunately due to child maintenance going through cms, how much you pay isn’t decided by me.
Perhaps pay rent for only your house or see if you can cut down somewhere. The £100 from you goes towards dd food, school supplies, clothes etc

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 15:32

His living arrangements and career choice are up to him. Take what your daughter is owed. He can find another job or different living arrangements.

Riverlee · 30/10/2021 15:33

He definitely needs to work more hours.

As a basic, I’ve just put £9 in a salary calculator, and it says the monthly take home pay will be around £1300, on a 37.5 hour week. I imagine your wage is not that much different working 25 hours a week.

sleepyhoglet · 30/10/2021 15:34

He needs to provide but £85 for new shoes!!
Also, he needs to address paying rent to his parents and see if they can help more rather than asking to pay you less.

SlugRose · 30/10/2021 15:38

A child is not an optional cost

MintJulia · 30/10/2021 15:40

He need to sort out his accommodation and his job so they work......you know, like every other parent has to!

Tell him NO.

BoredZelda · 30/10/2021 15:43

I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition

Really? I get the middle rate of care for DD and her needs are fairly manageable with a full time job. I’d have thought if it is impacting on your ability to work, her condition would qualify.

KingofQueens · 30/10/2021 15:43

And I don't think his parents are being mercenary as a pp suggests, I think they probably know that their son is a lazy-arse pisstaker who is preventing them taking a proper rent from lodgers. I suspect he relies on them to actually do things with your daughter during his contact time too whilst he sits around doing whatever he does with his masses of free time.
He's acting like a child so why not move back in with his parents (though I suspect they won't want him).
Honestly, do not give in to this absolute cock of a man.

ifonly4 · 30/10/2021 15:43

OP, in all fairness to you, I think you're trying to be fair. However, the money he pays is to cover DD's needs - it might be you could afford to take slightly less for her at the present time, but think ahead - as they get older it costs more to support them in terms of clothing, food and education. If you take less now, it might be harder to get an increase from him in the future.

He really needs to concentrate on getting another job. Another option re accommodation, can DD have his room when she sees him, and he sleeps on the settee, a couple of chairs?

Clementineapples · 30/10/2021 15:43

DLA goes on care op, it’s worth applying.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 30/10/2021 15:46

He needs to work more and/or move back into his parent's home if he can't afford his current situation. Supporting his child with the bare legal minimum is non-negotiable. Arsehole.

BoredZelda · 30/10/2021 15:46

£85 shoes are the only shoes suitable for school she can wear without injuring herself, I have no choice but to buy them.

Are these not provided either? When OT had specialist shoes, physio provided them. Disability stuff is so expensive, you should have to fund it all.

Your ex just needs to move back with his parents if he can’t afford to pay two rents. He is effectively saying he would rather pay his parents for his contact visits than provide for his child.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 30/10/2021 15:46

@sleepyhoglet

He needs to provide but £85 for new shoes!! Also, he needs to address paying rent to his parents and see if they can help more rather than asking to pay you less.

If DD is disabled then I can see shoes costing £85. Perhaps they’re a special fit or orthopaedic. Even bog-standard school shoes from Clark’s can be £55 or so.

So he’s working 20 hours a week and complaining about being broke? It’s not like there are no jobs out there right now. He could quite easily get a second job. Or address the thing with his parents. But I suspect he earns more than he’s letting on.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 30/10/2021 15:47

@Bobbybobbins

His financial problems are not due to CM. They are due to not working enough and paying two lots of rent!

This!!!!!

Tell him to get a full time job, a 2nd part time job, why doesn't he work full time.
Why is he paying 2 lots of rent?

Bloody madness!

BoredZelda · 30/10/2021 15:48

He needs to provide but £85 for new shoes!!

Yep. This was the cost for my daughter's shoes before she got AFO splints. If we bought the shoes that are specially designed to wear with splints, they are a similar cost and she would go through about 3 pairs of those a year. As it is, we’ve been able to find off the self shoes which are manageable but as she gets older they are increasingly more difficult to find.

lastandfurious · 30/10/2021 15:51

@CMOrNoCM

£85 shoes are the only shoes suitable for school she can wear without injuring herself, I have no choice but to buy them.

He is working his contract hours only in a local supermarket that’s it, he says he’s tried to get other jobs but can’t and they won’t give him more hours.

He can’t have her overnight at his because of the housemate so takes her back to his parents. Before overnights he was paying more so he tries to make it work - and I don’t want overnights to stop as that’s my chance work without needing to do school run or bedtime so it works for me at least.

I work in a supermarket and every week they are absolutely begging for people to work overtime-especially at this time of year there are so many shifts available. It is bollocks that he can't get more hours.

UltimateBugKilla · 30/10/2021 15:53

The money he is getting, he must be working around 20 hours a week, supermarkets will be crying out for extra help, they almost always are, especially this time of year.

He's full of bull manure, and its more disgusting that his first thought is to remove CM from daughter, ignore, his personal circumstances are not your problem, hes an adult and needs to sort his own money issues.

BungleandGeorge · 30/10/2021 15:55

I’m not sure why your daughter should fund him for working part time? He’s not even using those extra hours to look after her. I can’t really understand why he need to take her to his parents, why can’t he have her at his house? What is the concern with the lodger?

Jux · 30/10/2021 15:56

List all the costs that are for dd alone (ie not rent, utilities etc).
Then calculate the actual percentage of time he has her as accurately as you can, then calculate that percentage of the costs. That's what you're paying for her without a roof over your heads and costs of that.

What is the difference between how much he's paying and how much you need to cover 100% of those costs? If it's less than what he pays then that goes into an account for her which will help pay for future help/training for her whatever it may be.

Apparently there are lots of jobs around now, so he could start looking around a bit more than just extra hours at a shop, or put the rent up a bit for his lodger., or claim WTC, or get a second job. He ha many alternatives which you do not.

OverTheRubicon · 30/10/2021 15:56

@Bobbybobbins

His financial problems are not due to CM. They are due to not working enough and paying two lots of rent!

Exactly this. And if as you say he lost his job and wasn't earning anything, then presumably he could help make up the difference by actually doing some childcare.

He needs to move back with his parents or have DD in a foldaway or inflatable bed in his houseshare room (at 7, for only 1 night a fortnight, I can't see why this is an issue). Also I strongly suspect he's working more than he's claiming, or if not, then he needs to look at taking on more hours, finding a new job, or sorting a UC top up and/or a PIP claim for any disability that isn't letting him.

RantyAunty · 30/10/2021 16:01

He's lazy.
Places are crying for workers and he's choosing to sit on his arse.

silverbubbles · 30/10/2021 16:02

He simply needs to work more. He sounds bloody lazy in all respects.

Don't let him get away with trying to pay less.

Lovelymincepies · 30/10/2021 16:04

He’s not going to earn more as I suspect he gets UC. He’s a lazy arse. I knew loads of people like this, would only work a set amount so they got housing benefit. Nothing stopped the earning more, they just didn’t want to.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 ··· 11 12