CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

[CMOrNoCM]

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

£4 a day doesn’t even cover food never mind other expenses such as heating, clothes, childcare. I’d laugh in his face. He should be approaching his parents before you and asking for a rent reduction. He could get more hours in a supermarket, they’re recruiting like mad round here, he could get bar work, etc.

He gives his daughter £3.35 a day and wants to reduce it? 🤨

OP, reading your last post is the clincher for me (I'd already RTFT.)
If he's making the choice of not earning (or declaring) more and of not having DD at his house because it isn't convenient for him, I have no sympathy for him and nor should you IMO.

I hear the sound of a tiny violin in the distance.

No I wouldn't. If he is that hard up he can have DD at his house and not pay his parents rent. Or get another job. I struggle to believe with retail experience he can't find anything anywhere.

He's no longer your responsibility, his daughter however is his!

He would rather his daughter went without rather than find more work to maintain his (already paltry) £3.35 a day contribution to her wellbeing... god people like him are so fucking selfish.

Not your problem. He talks to his parents and asks them not to charge to see their granddaughter.

Why can’t he see her at his house, she sleeps in his room and him on the sofa.?

Why can’t he get more work

His finances are his responsibility and not yours.

For two nights a month, can't he have a zed bed/blow up bed or similar - either for daughter or himself - or a sofa bed and she sleeps in his room?

26 nights a year are crippling him? I can't imagine the other 339 nights are a walk in the park for you. Best he gets a job or provides childcare whilst you increase your hours. Selfish man.

@Cottonheadedninymuggins

Why wouldn't he ask his parents for no rent? Or if he can move in with them full time rather than just paying rent for every so often and paying rent for his own place? Or work more hours/change his job?

The very least he can do is provide for his daughter, why should she miss out just because he 'doesn't want to....' do the other stuff that would make more money?

Absolutely!

This is their GRAND-DUAGHTER they are chargng rent for - unless they are (literally - quite literally)on the breadline, they are CUNTS!

(And heaven forgive me - i NEVER use that word!)

There's obviously a reason you're not still with him OP, and good job too by the sound of it.

If you pander to this, you are putting his selfish laziness before your daughter's wellbeing. I'm sorry, but it's that simple. He's already quite a shit parent, don't let him lower his standards and hurt your daughter even more.

I wonder about the grandparents and the 'rent'. Charging rent for a room only occasionally used is not really a thing, is it? Not if it's a family member, not if it's a grandchild? I'm not sure I believe it. I think he might have made this bit up.

I bet you're right that his Mum is the one doing the actual caring when they go there though.

Stop feeling sorry for him!!!

I hope you are going via CMS especially if he is likely lying about his earnings, you can ask for an annual review.

He doesn't need to have DD at his parents and therefore pay them - he's admitted it's his choice!

Please open your eyes and see him for the person he is rather than the victim he pretends to be.

He likes the way he lives-tough he has a child to look after so he either

gets another job
drops one of the rents
gets more shifts

also why isnt he having her 50% of the holidays how does he think you organise it all

How much is he paying his parents (if at all?) for two nights a month he could get hotel room for £70 night which could well be cheaper. If he’s claiming £50 per week per room as previous lodgers.

He can make different choices if he wants to. There is no reason DD can't stay at his. Or he can move permanently into his parents house. Or perhaps there are more things he could do to get some extra hours. Either way, it's not your problem. He already gives a pitiful amount to his child and it's time for him to grow up.

@baileys6904

85 quid for shoes???? For a 7 year old? That's more than comfortable and to be honest, I'd try and give him a break even if just temporarily. Show a bit of kindness now and it may come back in the future

The OP says her Dd has a muscle condition. I would imagine, as they have been priced in the post, they are special ones for her condition.

Follow your instincts on this OP. There are a lot of vacancies out there, is he actively looking for a job that gives more hours. To me, this sounds like an early effort to slowly withdraw from his responsibilities.

You earn between £250-300
You get UC
But that only totals £1200

I’m confused
You will get £324.84 single person allowance plus £237.08 for your one child a month. Plus CB of £140. So £710

Plus you will take home about £1100 a months

So that’s circa £1809 a month without without his contribution

I absolutely think you should insist he carries on paying

But your monthly income without his contribution is much more than £1200 a month

Ring his parents, ask them if they really charge rent?!!!

So, he 'likes' his domestic arrangements the way they are and sees no need to change them in order to have more money. Instead, he expects you to 'retrench' your budget to benefit him.

Not only no, but Oh FUCK No!!!

I'm just curious...why do you 'feel bad' for him? I wouldn't. He's chosen to make his multiple beds, now he can lie in them.

@AcrossthePond55

So, he 'likes' his domestic arrangements the way they are and sees no need to change them in order to have more money. Instead, he expects you to 'retrench' your budget to benefit him.

Not only no, but Oh FUCK No!!!

I'm just curious...why do you 'feel bad' for him? I wouldn't. He's chosen to make his multiple beds, now he can lie in them.

All of the above . . .

No. He needs to contribute to his dd.

He might not like giving up his bed for his dd once a fortnight but tough, we all have to do things we’d rather not.
How much childcare is there to do for one overnight per fortnight anyway, that he needs his mother’s help. He needs to grow the fuck up!

@HugeAckmansWife

The cost of shoes or whether or not the op has correctly applied for DLA is not the issue. As a pp said, even if the op was earning a 6 figure salary or won the lottery, the child's father should still be contributing the bare legal minimum set according to his wage. If he can't, he needs to reorganise his finances so he can. The op finding cheaper shoes or getting a professional to look over her DLA application is not the answer to this.

I was the one who suggested revisiting the child DLA question and I wasn’t for one moment suggesting that this was in any way linked to him getting out of paying his share. It was to improve the OP’s financial position by accessing a benefit which, from what’s been said seems to have been denied incorrectly, given that there are different levels payable according to the severity of the condition. This would also go some way to paying for the shoes which the child obviously needs, but cannot access via the NHS. It’s a well known fact that the DWP will try to deny this benefit whenever they can, and sometimes tribunals uphold decisions on purely technical details and I was suggesting that if she hadn’t already done so, seeking the help of a professional to complete the application may have a better outcome. Sticking it to the father to the exclusion of all else isn’t the answer either.

No, and I appreciate it came from a good place of wanting to help overall but the op wasn't about her DLA application. It was specifically about whether she should allow her misplaced sympathy for her ex to lead her to letting him off the pretty flimsy hook he is on for their dd. The anachronism s and utter crapness of our cms system is so appalling, the last thing we should be doing is looking for ways around it. If one MP in whatever party, made it their big issue that they banged on about relentlessly in the House, they'd have my vote.