Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12

Original poster

CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

298 replies

CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 13:38

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

OP posts:

FeatheredHope · 30/10/2021 14:17

In this climate, he could easily get more work, sounds like he just can’t be arsed or thinks it’s beneath him.

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 14:17

Why can't he sleep in the living room for the night. Has he even asked the person he shares with if this would be ok?

He needs to pull his finger out and get a full time job or step up and have DD in the school holidays using his annual leave to look after her.

How much is he paying his parents?

Why is he only considering the easy option of not giving you CM ordered money?

In short tell him to grow up and sort his life out.

Chocolatewheatos · 30/10/2021 14:18

He needs to work more or move in with his parents full time not stopping paying for his child. Why doesn't he just ring his landlord and tell him he can't afford to pay rent anymore. Paying for your child is no more optional than paying rent.

LuluJakey1 · 30/10/2021 14:18

He must have additional income from renting a room out?

tempester28 · 30/10/2021 14:19

He should be asking his parents to let him off the rent he pays them not your cm. He could give up his parent's place and have your daughter to stay at his house - in his room? Seems silly to travel 10 miles each time.

Beautiful3 · 30/10/2021 14:19

I'd expect him to move back to his parents and work more hours. He doesn't get to opt out of paying his maintenance, just like you don't get to pay less towards gas/electric/clothing/childcare and food.

Crazycakelady17 · 30/10/2021 14:19

£102 a month is ridiculous as it is that would just about cover my DDs snacks and lunches at school
He has no idea my 17 year old is at full time college works weekends and one night a week and earns a decent amount
He sounds like a lazy bone idle unless he’s disabled etc

LuluJakey1 · 30/10/2021 14:20

£102 a month is just £3 a day. It is crap already that it is all he contributes.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/10/2021 14:20

Of course he can earn more
People can ALWAYS get work if they are able bodied, have no childcare commitments and have good health.

sashagabadon · 30/10/2021 14:20

That is a tiny contribution from him. Write down every penny you spend feeding, clothing, entertaining, medical expenses, friends birthday parties, haircuts, school expenses etc etc etc and ask he pays half from now on.
And tell him he had better start saving as he is going to have to contribute half to her uni fees when she turns 18. He can’t then complain he wasn’t warned.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 30/10/2021 14:20

Really? Do you just stop feeding your child and buying her clothes because you are short of cash, no! of course not your child comes first.
He needs to get out and get a second job, or work full time or live somewhere cheaper like I did when I was a single mum.
And he needs to bloody well grow up.

JetRocket · 30/10/2021 14:21

I’d respond to him as follows;

I appreciate you’re finding it financially tough however DD is not a negotiable expense. To reduce your contribution would mean me finding that money elsewhere which would be deeply unreasonable given I already provide the majority of care.
Here are some helpful suggestions for you to improve your finances;

Work more hours
Live with your parents full time
Commit to having DD more to reduce your CM

Lovealovestory · 30/10/2021 14:21

He needs to sort his living arrangements out, not reduce his payments.
Don't give in, if he was actually providing more emotionally and care wise so you could work more I might be sympathetic to him, but he's taking you for a ride there.
Also, NHS provide very good, nice, supportive pediatric footwear if your child has problem feet, as I'm assuming from the diagnosis and shoe cost. I'm a sen mummy too.

Figgygal · 30/10/2021 14:21

Don’t believe that he can’t earn more
He could move out of retail into hospitality for example if he couldn’t get more hours and there’s no way there’s not more hours available in run up to Christmas in retail

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 30/10/2021 14:22

That would be a hard no from me
He has so many options not involving taking money from his child:

Move back with parents
Kick out flat mate so he can have DD at his
Work more hours in current job
Get a 2nd job
Offer to have DD more when he is not working to reduce maintenance

So so many options but his go to is to deprive his kid.
It boils my piss that men can fuck off and leave their families and put them as the lowest priority in their lives but no mother would ever do this or if she did she would be judged very harshly

helpwithncmum · 30/10/2021 14:22

He needs to work more he clearly has time to get a second job. His living is not your problem. He can go begging from his parents to stop the rent or move back with them so he's not paying 2 rents.

ForkedIt · 30/10/2021 14:23

As he doesn’t work full time, he can look after his daughter whilst you work more hours.
No, I don’t think you should actually do this, but sounds like he wouldn’t agree to have her more to allow you to work more and therefore make up the loss of income from his dropping CM.

adreamofspring · 30/10/2021 14:24

Ignore. The stand out line from your OP was ‘if you had to work more if he lost his job he still wouldn’t have her more.’ He needs to provide one way or another. Either with childcare or financially.

zafferana · 30/10/2021 14:26

£180 per week doesn't make £850 per month. If you divide 180 by 7 then x 30 it = £771. Agreed he should get himself a living situation that means he only pays one lot of rent and if he only has your DD one night a month he could be working two or three jobs the rest of the time to earn more. It sounds to me like it suits him to both minimal hours and have your DD minimally. What does he do with all his free time, I wonder????

Jangle33 · 30/10/2021 14:27

Don’t back down OP. He should be getting more work to help provide for his daughter. Unacceptable.

SultansOfMing · 30/10/2021 14:27

@baileys6904

85 quid for shoes???? For a 7 year old? That's more than comfortable and to be honest, I'd try and give him a break even if just temporarily. Show a bit of kindness now and it may come back in the future

OP said her daughter has a muscle condition. These are probably specialist shoes which do cost a lot of money and aren't possible to substitute with cheaper ones!

harriethoyle · 30/10/2021 14:29

Absolutely ignore him - he can either work longer hours and give up one of the two homes he rents...

StressyWoman · 30/10/2021 14:30

The only way I’d accept that is if he had her a lot, otherwise no.

2020isnotbehaving · 30/10/2021 14:30

If he can’t afford two rents then he stops
Over night contacts. He could see her on Saturday and Sunday for same amount of hours especially when he’s only a mile away. Much better for you have income then he staying overnight for sake or it when he can’t afford it.

quiteathome · 30/10/2021 14:31

Hardly doing any work is crippling him financially. And why does he need to rent two places? what does he keep at his parents?

He needs to do some work and pay maintenance, he sounds like a complete waste of space.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12