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AIBU?

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Original poster

CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

298 replies

CMOrNoCM · 30/10/2021 13:38

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

OP posts:
FlemCandango · 30/10/2021 14:03

I would not advise you to reduce the cm op. Is your ex claiming UC as he could get a contribution to his private rent (depending on the area he lives in, the local allowance and how much rent he pays). This could take some pressure off while he looks into other options like working more! He won't get any UC for the rent he pays his parents of course. He should do a calculation using entitled to or by calling the local CAB. Send him a helpful email with some links to encourage him to maximise his income as obviously he would rather do that than deprive his daughter in any way!? 🤔

FreedomFaith · 30/10/2021 14:04

Not your problem. He thought he was adult enough to have a child, his issue now. He can work out his outgoings himself and reduce elsewhere, he doesn't get to reduce money to his daughter.

Dishwashersaurous · 30/10/2021 14:04

Every single retailer is crying out for staff at the moment. If he wants more hours get a new job

Oftenithinkaboutit · 30/10/2021 14:05

How much do you earn op?

Do not reduce this money from him

Doomscrolling · 30/10/2021 14:07

He’s paying under £4 per day for his daughter and he wants to cut back??

He can get in the sea.

SeemingSeamstress · 30/10/2021 14:07

The fix to his problem is:

  1. stop running 2 households. He, like most people, can't afford it. He needs to sort out his living arrangements because that's not your Dd's fault, it's his shitty choices.

  2. he needs to work full-time. He doesn't even earn close to nmw at full-time hours.

The solution isn't to avoid paying for his own child's living costs, the solution is "grow the fuck up".

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 30/10/2021 14:07

As all the PPs have said, ignore him. If he can't afford his lifestyle then that's his problem. He has a child who needs paying for.

WonderfulYou · 30/10/2021 14:08

If he’s paying rent on his place AND his parents I can definitely see why he’d be struggling for money. Unfortunately children are expensive though.

The best solution is for him to move back in with his parents or stop paying them rent - until he does that then I’d have no sympathy at all for him.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 30/10/2021 14:08

Not your problem. Children are expensive and most of my salary goes on housing and providing for my dc. Adults going without for their dc is normal.

Mulhollandmagoo · 30/10/2021 14:08

Couldn't he give up his house and move back home with his parents if he's paying rent there anyway and he can't afford his outgoings? His first thought shouldn't be taking money away from his child! If you're feeling charitable then you could reduce his payments in exchange for more contact time in the school holidays to save you money that way, but in your position I wouldn't

Oftenithinkaboutit · 30/10/2021 14:08

Is your daughter’s muscle condition a diagnosable condition that has been diagnosed by a medical professional?

LuaDipa · 30/10/2021 14:08

@baileys6904

85 quid for shoes???? For a 7 year old? That's more than comfortable and to be honest, I'd try and give him a break even if just temporarily. Show a bit of kindness now and it may come back in the future
This deadbeat isn’t showing much kindness in only seeing his child once a fortnight and complaining about paying the bare minimum. £102 per month wouldn’t even feed my two. What op earns has no bearing. He has a duty to pay for his child and from what I can see he is barely doing that. He has no constraints stopping him from getting a better job and he doesn’t even help in holidays. His issues are of his own making and nothing to do with op.
BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 14:09

@Whose

What's stopping him from earning more? £850 a month can't even be full time work.
My thoughts too OP?
BananaPB · 30/10/2021 14:10

180pw is about 20 hours at £9pw (MW ish)

Is there any reason why he's not doing full time work ? I believe that people working on full time MW earn around £1300 per month

jakscrakers · 30/10/2021 14:10

it is not your problem, neither is it your daughters problem, he can get off his backside and find a better paid job with better hours if he is struggling. Do not let him get away with not paying towards his daughter.
Employers are screaming out for new employees at the moment.

PizzaCrust · 30/10/2021 14:10

Ignore.

I work three days a week (two young kids so part time suits us), and I earn more than him a month. I only work part time because I have the kids whenever I’m not working (partner works full time).

If he doesn’t have his child he needs to be working FT. And be paying more CM. He’s being a lazy shitbag.

gogohm · 30/10/2021 14:11

There's work available everywhere, he's only working part time on that salary so needs to take a second job eg bar work, he'll walk into a job anywhere

BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 14:13

I would not give him a break £102 a month is low as it is!!

Too many men play the poor me card. Mean while mothers like OP and me have the burden of juggling all the childcare sorely and paying for childcare..... the fact that he refuses to do extra childcare says it all. I would tell him you simply cannot afford it.... send him the school calendar with all the school holidays and training days kids have.. bloody disgrace!!

Ohhh and good for OP buying shoes for £85 it's her business!!

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 30/10/2021 14:13

As per others, it shouldn’t be maintenance that he cuts back on, but the 2 lots of rent. He should also be looking hard at getting more money in. Maintenance should be the last thing he looks at, not the first - why is his housemate a higher priority on his list than his child?

Tell him - nicely, as no need to burn bridges - to do one.

Farwest · 30/10/2021 14:14

What would you do in his position? Because I doubt you would be taking money away from your child. You would find more work, or a new place to live, or move back in with your parents... so that you could pay your child the money she needs for food, clothes, uniform, shoes, activities, etc. You would do that because your child comes first.

Don't accept less money from a man who is giving minimal effort to her upbringing already. It's pathetic that he asked.

Cindie943811A · 30/10/2021 14:15

Just tell him that you couldn’t manage to provide yourDD with what she needs on any less. Sorry but that’s the way it is. And then refuse to discuss further.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 30/10/2021 14:16

Rather than overnight so he can do away without payment to his parents

On his days off (and on that salary… he will have a lot of days off!) he can be with your daughter and take her back to his own home after school and during holidays . So then he can’t whinge about rent to his parents

He doesn’t sound like someone is want my daughter to be having overnights with, at grandparents that charge rent for her room, and once a fortnight. Poor thing

Bonsaibreaker · 30/10/2021 14:16

He can get a second job.
He can do overtime.
He can get another job.
He cannot pay less for his child than he already is.

On a side note £85 for school shoes for a 7 yo is ridiculous despite your statement that you had no choice.

Hattie765 · 30/10/2021 14:16

He can't be paying his parents much rent if he only rents s room off them 2 nights a month. Keep it.

Mynameismargot · 30/10/2021 14:16

Do you use childcare? Could he take her more to reduce the amount of childcare you have to pay then he could reduce the maintenance a little bit?
I wouldn't just reduce it with no give on his behalf.

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