CM is apparently crippling him financially, and I don’t know what to do

[CMOrNoCM]

ExH sees 7yo DD 1 night a fortnight, that’s it. This is court ordered. He occasionally has her for tea if it’s a special occasion that makes him look better i.e. his birthday, her birthday (which is in the order so can’t stop him) his parents birthdays etc.

He lives in a little house about a mile from me, but has contact at his parents’ 10 miles away as he has a housemate who’s in the other bedroom – DD and he both have their own rooms at his parents.

According to the CMS he earns £180 a week so about £850 a month. He has to give me £102 a month according to CMS.

Recently he’s asked me if we can look at what he pays as he can’t afford to live. He has sent me a breakdown of his outgoings to show he “can’t afford it” and according to that he pays rent on his house and to his parents for the 2 bedrooms there (I can well believe his parents charge him rent for those rooms as when he moved out when we moved in together they had lodgers in them paying around £50pw each – they have two bathrooms so they probably had exclusive use of one of them between them).

In one breathe I feel sorry for him but in another I don’t. I work 25 hours a week and can’t work more as DD has a muscle condition and some learning needs so she struggles with childcare for long periods. Apart from that £102 I get nothing else from him. I get some UC top up but DD doesn’t qualify for DLA or anything and she needs specific things for her condition – don’t tell me to apply for DLA I’ve applied 5 times and been told every time she doesn’t qualify or require more care than any other 7yo, I’ve even been to tribunal over it and had the decision maker upheld. I also think if he lost his job and couldn’t work for awhile I’d have to suck it up and work more myself and pay for more childcare (he wouldn’t have her more). I also work more hours than him usually anyway (I earn between £250 and £300 a week on my 25 hours).

Without the CM I could manage to live, but with CM DD and I have quite a comfortable life, I don’t have to worry about her needing new shoes (£85) or having to give up her extracurricular activities.

Another part of me thinks that I have to parent 95% alone and why shouldn’t he be made to pay at least the legal minimum? I have to pay for everything for her, clothes, shoes, extra activities, as well as bills and food when she’s with me. He refuses to have her 50% of the holidays so I have higher childcare costs then too (can be as much as £100 for 3 days holiday childcare).

So WWYD? Speak with him about a reduction or just ignore?

@Dishwashersaurous

1. He needs to not pay two lots of rent.

1. He needs to get a full time job.

Absolutely keep the child maintenance

This. No single adult needs to rent two homes. And he should be putting his energy into looking for full time work so he can pay for his kid, rather than into trying to escape his commitments.

Absolutely not - do not fall for this ‘poor me’ routine. It’s pathetic.

There are lots of jobs going , and paying two rents is stupid (not that I believe it)

@BarkminsterBlue same, he’s lying. There are loads of jobs going at the moment. I nipped out to the local shops earlier and saw 3 adverts in windows during that short journey

He’s lazy. Lazy with work and a lazy father. He’s needs to step up, not step back. Ignore his pathetic comments

Christmas is coming up so lots of places are advertising for jobs right now. I don’t know where you’re based but lots of hospitality around here (my friend was hired on the spot in a big chain restaurant), Amazon warehouse, post office and more are desperate for jobs. Seems like he just doesn’t want to work more.

Supermarkets around here can't get enough staff. DS walked into a job in one a couple of weeks ago. 10 min interview (no previous supermarket experience) and started the same week. He could pick from 16 hours pw to full time. They took on 4 that day plus more interviews the day he started and they're still short staffed. Warehouses are constantly recruiting too. I think your ex isn't trying hard enough.

He pays was CMS says he should pay. That’s supposed to be the MINIMUM, not some hugely generous amount. What a knob.

He's looking at it from the wrong angle. The paying two lots of rent is what's crippling him, not the CM. He has to pay your daughter CM; he doesn't have to pay two lots of rent.

He either needs to get rid of the housemate or move in with his parents.

Don't let him screw your DD over.

Why only see dd one day in 14 when he only works 5 of those days? (Pt hrs). What is he doing for the other 8 days?

Is there some sort of rule about overnight in a shared house or is he just not prepared to give up his bed for one night and sleep on sofa or floor ?

It's not the CM that's crippling him - that payment should be the priority, but some of his other expenditure choices.

He says he needs to see her at his parents house because he lives with a housemate. Why does he need to live with a housemate? He could get a 1 bedroom place, she could sleep in his room & he could sleep on an air mattress in the living room on his nights. Or she could use a sofa bed in the living room. Whatever. Why does it revolve around the housemate & his parents, with his DD coming last? Is he incapable of living alone? (Genuine question - maybe there’s an issue you’ve not mentioned.)

He needs to work full time!

So he’s struggling with bills because he’s not working enough and paying out two lots of rent, and the first thing he wants to get rid of is CM? What a prince.

The very simple solution for his problem is to increase his hours or get a new job, there’s jobs everywhere at the minute so there’s no excuse.

He’s coming at the from the wrong angle, it’s his income/double rent that’s the problem not the CM.

Why isn’t he seeing his child more? He sounds like the ultimate waste of space.
Absolutely don’t negotiate this. He needs to start behaving like a grown up.

Definitely don’t reduce it. He is an adult and he needs to sort his life out. His reasons for not working more are BS.

don't do it!! I did this for my ex years and, well, it went badly...

you need to be strong and clear headed here and keep your eyes on the prize, which is bringing up your dd and having a good life, maybe starting to save for her future with any extra funds you have.

He needs to tell his mercenary parents that he can no longer afford to rent 2 rooms from them. He should rent one (for his dd) and sleep on the living room floor himself. Either that or he should ask them to provide his dd’s room for free. I mean she isn’t some randomer, she’s their GD!

There's plenty of shoes that cost more than £85 - I've spent more than that on each of 2 pairs of DMs for my kids and I've spent more than that on trainers for them too. That feels part of the parent I'd like to be for my kids, so I don't see any need to criticise OP for that.

I think the pp who said that OP doesn't get to opt out of any costs just cos she might prefer it, nailed it. You don't get to tell the school dinners or the bus fares that you'd rather not pay this week.

I wouldn't reduce even if I was earning 100k.

There are jobs out there, hospitality and care are begging for staff

Supermarkets are often begging their staff to do extra hours.

He could be getting an extra grand from his lodger for all you know.

Nothing to do with you that his parents are tight fuckers who charge rent for 2 nights a month.

He could move to a one bedroom and him sleep in the living room when she stays.

He works part time in a supermarket, and is surprised this doesn't stretch to a 2 home lifestyle? OK. His finances are his business. A sensible person would give up one of those homes, if the one at his parents suits him best, then that would be the one to go for. But its his life and his choice.

You aren't together. It's not your job to fix the obvious downsides of his poor choices. He has options, stopping money for his child isn't one of them.

He could reduce what he pays by having her for more overnights, to give you the opportunity to work. He can’t have it both ways, and he is currently paying a tiny proportion of what it costs to provide for his child.

On another note, the lack of state - funded support and financial aid for children with disabilities and additional needs is a disgrace.

So you work 25 hours a week and he works less than you? And he only has caring responsibilities one night a fortnight? What the hell? Working fulltime when you have kids is just normal life. What the heck he doing the rest of the time?
Not acceptable - he needs to work more and pay more, not pay less. Resident parents don't get to say "well, I'm only paying 100 quid towards my child each month, and anything else they can go without". They work hard, scrimp, save, and put their children first. How dare he try to guilt trip you. What an absolute piece of work.

How much is he paying as a retainer at his parents'? Could he rent a Travelodge type room for overnights for less? Seems odd to charge to see their grandchild.

He needs to try harder to get more work. And step up and provide for his dd. Why should you bear the brunt?

No way! Your daughter is entitled to that money. He’ll need to find another way