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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's a stigma over having a third child?

282 replies

Beachloveramy · 30/10/2021 03:20

Please tell me I'm not alone.

I already have a 14 year old I had quite young and a three year old (with my husband) and I'm 3 months pregnant with our third child.

As I've slowly told people about the pregnancy I've received a lot of comments such as "you're pregnant again?!"

Now, I don't exactly feel as if I've been popping them out, there are fairly big age gaps between my children. Myself and my husband do also both work full time and support our own family but for some reason I can't be completely excited about this baby as there seems to be a stigma associated.

I'm I being paranoid or are woman judged for having more than two children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beachloveramy · 30/10/2021 21:16

Wow I wasn't expecting so many replies!

Thank you for all the comments, it probably is the age gaps.

I do have two boys though so one last try for a girl (I'll still love him if it's a boy don't worry!)

OP posts:
Jubilate · 30/10/2021 21:35

I see 3 children as a bit of a status symbol. A statement of affluence, parenting ability, patience and (usually) indicative of how easy they've found pregnancy and birth.

That said, the three friends I have with three children don't really fit those criteria.

Buttercup54321 · 30/10/2021 21:51

WHY is good.

Are you pregnant again?

Why?
Do you want to try for a boy after 2 girls?
Why?
I would have thought two was enough
Why?
Was it an accident?
Why?

Why ? And a head tilt whilst you wait for a reply. Followed by the classic Mumsnet
Did you mean to be so rude?

MarshaBradyo · 30/10/2021 21:52

@Beachloveramy

Wow I wasn't expecting so many replies!

Thank you for all the comments, it probably is the age gaps.

I do have two boys though so one last try for a girl (I'll still love him if it's a boy don't worry!)

I have a girl after two boys with a gap

People are very positive about it, happy for me etc

eeeeeeeeh · 30/10/2021 22:17

I feel like people just love making comments no matter what. I'm pregnant with my 2nd and have been asked by quite a few people if it was planned as there'll be a small age gap. I'm also having another girl and I've been asked by a few people if we'll try for a 3rd for a boy!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 22:24

@middlenglander

Presumably you don’t have any children due to the environment?

SomethingOnce · 30/10/2021 22:43

We have an ageing population with TFR a shade over 1.5.

LOL at the notion that the UK failing to create future taxpayers is going to result in a strong economy, a happy society and save the bloody planet.

Just think for a minute what it will mean for there to be lots more older parents having one-child families (1.5 being an average).

Thanks for stepping up, OP Grin

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 23:06

@Buttercup54321

WHY is good.

Are you pregnant again?

Why?
Do you want to try for a boy after 2 girls?
Why?
I would have thought two was enough
Why?
Was it an accident?
Why?

Why ? And a head tilt whilst you wait for a reply. Followed by the classic Mumsnet
Did you mean to be so rude?

yes!!!! it's perfect

I also liked asking "are you?", "do you?" or just repeating the question back to them when possible.

"are you hoping for a girl?"
"are you??"

"did you plan this one?"
"did you plan yours?"

"will you have more?"
"will you?"

etc. nothing shocks nosey people as much as you invading their privacy 🤣

RussianSpy101 · 30/10/2021 23:14

@Pumperthepumper the environment didn’t come into my decision to have 3 children. I don’t see what it is you’re struggling to understand about this.
I was pointing out that had I chosen to stop at 2 children, I wouldn’t of said it was because of the environment like many seem to do now.

The more realistic reasons people, in my opinion, don’t have any more is because of money or how easy they find pregnancy/birth/parenting or a combination of the 4. Some are genuinely just happy and content with 1 or 2. But in the real world, I genuinely doubt people stop for the environment.

Not that they’ll admit it. That wouldn’t be cool.

justasking111 · 30/10/2021 23:33

21 year age gap between first and third. Friends were a bit shocked but happy for us apart from one who wanted me to have an abortion.

tedsletterofthelaw · 30/10/2021 23:40

@NamiSwan

I have three and often get a raised eyebrow when I mention it and got a lot of comments when I was pregnant. Since they are all girls i also got a lot of assuming I had a third because I wanted a boy 😡 which was very much not the case, and people would also just point blank say "you must be disappointed" when I told them I was having another girl, which I very much was not!

So long story cut short, in my experience people don't seem to be able to cope with the notion that someone might want more than 2 children, and think if you do that either it was an accident or due to gender disappointment!

Same here. When I had my third DC (who is a boy after two DDs) I got similar comments before, during and after pregnancy.
  • Are you doing to try for a boy next time? (The day after DD2 was born!!)
  • I'm praying it's a boy for you
  • Finally, a boy!

You get the gist.

In general with having three DC though I get the usual 'you're brave', 'you must be shattered' etc etc

I just ignore it all mostly.

Sean2001 · 30/10/2021 23:48

If there isn't a stigma - there should be.

Two children max is plenty.

BiLuminous · 30/10/2021 23:50

Yes we are. I can't be bothered to add more to the thread but yes I have been judged.

Chelyanne · 30/10/2021 23:55

Yep, we had this rubbish as our 1st 2 were a girl and boy.
Now we have 6 and people just ask when the next will come lol, never say never but quite happy with the brood for now (youngest is almost 12wk).

Chelyanne · 30/10/2021 23:55

Oh and congratulations

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 31/10/2021 00:11

@Fneep Nothing is wrong with the age gap but most of us think it’s more likely that the uncommonness of the age gap (still not a stigma, I don’t think?) is why people are saying, “you’re pregnant again?!” to OP, versus stigma over a 3rd child. While I do know some people who have large age gaps with their grown siblings (now in their late 20s-30s), I just don’t actually know anyone who is currently raising a teenager and a newborn at home.

Courtier · 31/10/2021 00:19

I think people believe that replacement rather than population growth is the goal. That's probs why.

Chunkymenrock · 31/10/2021 06:26

@SomethingOnce

We have an ageing population with TFR a shade over 1.5.

LOL at the notion that the UK failing to create future taxpayers is going to result in a strong economy, a happy society and save the bloody planet.

Just think for a minute what it will mean for there to be lots more older parents having one-child families (1.5 being an average).

Thanks for stepping up, OP Grin

Ridiculous comment. Just think what it will mean when we won't even be able to feed the population because of crop failure due to catastrophic weather events. The excessive numbers of humans on the planet, plundering finite resources, has created the situation we find ourselves in. The very definition of stupid is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. 🙄

LyricalBoudicca · 31/10/2021 06:51

Stigma? No. You may experience a bit of envy though. A lot of mums I know, having had 'the two' and having had a bit of a time to recover admit to wishing they had tried for 'one more' but by then it was too late. Congratulations! Where are all the children who are going to help solve the climate crisis going to come from ?

Pyewackect · 31/10/2021 06:57

It’s increasingly seen as irresponsible.

Sceptre86 · 31/10/2021 07:19

We have 3 and I have felt this too. People told me I was crazy to be going back to the baby stage and also questioned why I felt the need to have another when I had a dd and ds already. As it happened dh always wanted 3 whereas I was happy enough with 2. My dd wanted a sister so I eventually caved and we have an 8 week old baby girl. Older kids are 5 and 4. Baby is a delight, fits in well so far and her brother and sister love her. I would quite like a forth but am not sure that would be the best idea healthwise for me so will see.

There is no denying the environmental impact having several kids has. We use reusable nappies, wipes, haven't been abroad for 6 years, have one car, baby is wearing her brother and sister's hand me downs but we do have a lot of recycling and will use resources.

ichundich · 31/10/2021 07:29

I always thought 3 children were a bit of status symbol for some...! People are probably surprised because of the long gap between your kids and the baby. Just ignore them and enjoy your pregnancy!

middlenglander · 31/10/2021 08:49

Presumably you don’t have any children due to the environment?

Nope. Having children is inherently for one's self and claiming otherwise is self delusion. We have too many people in the world, having kids is the biggest way to increase your carbon footprint! We love our child-free life: more time, money and energy, although would in future perhaps look to adopt or foster in order to extend our good fortune to hopefully help someone who is already here and probably suffering for one reason or another.

Pumperthepumper · 31/10/2021 08:56

[quote RussianSpy101]@Pumperthepumper the environment didn’t come into my decision to have 3 children. I don’t see what it is you’re struggling to understand about this.
I was pointing out that had I chosen to stop at 2 children, I wouldn’t of said it was because of the environment like many seem to do now.

The more realistic reasons people, in my opinion, don’t have any more is because of money or how easy they find pregnancy/birth/parenting or a combination of the 4. Some are genuinely just happy and content with 1 or 2. But in the real world, I genuinely doubt people stop for the environment.

Not that they’ll admit it. That wouldn’t be cool.[/quote]
I’m not sure why you’re struggling to understand- you said you’d be a hypocrite to care about the impact a third child would have on the environment because you fly a few times a year. I’m pointing out how lazy and boring that line of thinking is, because if everyone thought like you, they wouldn’t recycle because they’ve got an diesel car. You can only avoid being a hypocrite by living a 100% ethically perfect life, which is impossible.

Franticbutterfly · 31/10/2021 09:01

Ignore them, and many congratulations, My DD3 really completed our family and I absolutely adore her (I adore the other ones obviously but she is a real Mummy's girl - so funny and sassy. She's the light of my life). You won't be sorry to have a third.