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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's a stigma over having a third child?

282 replies

Beachloveramy · 30/10/2021 03:20

Please tell me I'm not alone.

I already have a 14 year old I had quite young and a three year old (with my husband) and I'm 3 months pregnant with our third child.

As I've slowly told people about the pregnancy I've received a lot of comments such as "you're pregnant again?!"

Now, I don't exactly feel as if I've been popping them out, there are fairly big age gaps between my children. Myself and my husband do also both work full time and support our own family but for some reason I can't be completely excited about this baby as there seems to be a stigma associated.

I'm I being paranoid or are woman judged for having more than two children?

OP posts:
Fr0thandBubble · 30/10/2021 13:26

I do think 3 is not ideal from an environmental perspective. But I probably wouldn’t judge unless people had more than 4 - or if they couldn’t provide for their children without claiming benefits.

VestaTilley · 30/10/2021 13:32

There’s not a stigma, I think it’s more surprise from most people that women want to do it a third time Grin

GlitterOnTheFloor · 30/10/2021 13:34

Yes, definitely from my experience. I had several people ask 'was it an accident?'

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/10/2021 13:50

People said this to my mum back in the 80s so I guess it isn’t new.

I think environmental concerns do our people off doing more than replacing themselves, but then again it’s terrible for the economy if we have an aging population 🤷🏻‍♀️

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 13:55

Personally I think the whole environmental and overpopulation argument this day is just a fashionable way of people making themselves feel superior to others. Birth rates and population levels are actually declining in the "West" below that which is required to maintain national finances in some circumstances

Couldn’t agree with this more!!!!

Suspiciousmind20 · 30/10/2021 14:01

Probably should be in terms of climate change to be honest but I don’t judge personally.

Port1aCastis · 30/10/2021 14:02

I have a family member who is one of 10 all happy all healthy kids.so 3 certainly isn't too many the smug will always judge but nobody's perfect and they'll almost certainly have something you can judge them for so take no notice of others and I wish you luck and a problem free pregnancy and a happy healthy baby

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 14:02

I've no idea, never heard of anything like that.

the only negative connection I can think of regarding 3 kids is "middle child syndrome".
Which I did see in reality, many times and made me aim for 4 kids (we actually have 7).

I've had "are you pg again?!" thrown at me more than I would care to count or recall.
I couldn't give a shit, those people weren't my friends or on my side so their opinions never mattered anyway🤷‍♀️

ignore them OP. best of luck with #3!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 14:03

i think anyone who pretends to care about the environment it selfish to have more than one child

I agree but edit it to “selfish/hypocritical to have ANY children”

It’s a classical thing where people paint a narrative that suits them. Most people are happy with 2 children so of course conveniently 2 is totally acceptable whilst you can still be woke and judgy. Lovely.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 30/10/2021 14:04

@VestaTilley

There’s not a stigma, I think it’s more surprise from most people that women want to do it a third time Grin
🤣

I think that could be very true. maybe it's disbelief.
(still rude and insensitive IMO)

gogohm · 30/10/2021 14:07

It's partly environmental, partly the cost and partly the logistics of 3 kids that makes people surprised. If you can afford another child without significantly disadvantaging the existing children (you read about teens sleeping of sofas here on Mumsnet because their parents have more kids than they can fit in the house) then the environmental impact is something that can be offset by lifestyle choices. Personally I thought 2 was plenty, and as circumstances do change, it's essential

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 30/10/2021 14:09

Tbh a lot of the comments on this thread are v unpleasant as well

MerryPumpkinmas · 30/10/2021 14:51

Yes there definitely is. The environmental impact of a child is so big that people figure if you have more than two that you don’t care about the environment.

Mouseonmychair · 30/10/2021 15:05

It's probably environmental reasons. People say there are some without children so I should have 3. It wouldn't work for recycling oh my neighbor does it all so I don't have to do any. Nor would it work for pollution. We need to reduce the population for environmental reasons. A third child cost isn't just their environmental cost but also their children's and theirs descendents too. Someone who choses no children is going to have a much much lower environmental impact m

Shadowboy · 30/10/2021 15:08

[quote supermoonrising]@mantlemoose
The climate crisis will be solved by macro government policy and (hopefully) scientific innovation. Everyone suddenly becoming monks/nuns and giving up two weeks of sun a year is just not going to happen.[/quote]
Not likely. We are in a position where we have already triggered a number of positive feedback mechanisms that mean climate change will be very difficult to manage. In addition, scientists have been trying to develop agricultural solutions for decades but at the current rate of change there will be water, energy and food gaps that we won’t avert fast enough. Neo Malthusian debates are very interesting!

People stating that having too few children is a economic disaster; so is climate change. Pensions will be the least of your worries and the countries having fewer children, quite frankly ought to be. The impact of a 2 year old in the western world is the same as that of a full aged, adult in many African nations. We would typically need between 3-5 earths at our current rate of resource use. I agree we need to have ‘some’ children but if we all had 3/4/5 the environmental impact is extreme. All that food, water, energy etc.

Lifestyle changes won’t cut it. It’s not like kids in the UK are all breastfed and attached to their mothers until they are 5 in fabric nappies while the parents walk everywhere…. Plus once that child grows up you can’t stop the child from making bad environmental choices….

I actually only wanted one child but had a second accidentally- I found out I was pregnant very late and whilst I love my kids I do worry about their futures and what my generation will leave behind for them.

sageandbasil · 30/10/2021 15:09

My mums got 4 with an 18 year age gap between me and the youngest. She got a lot of comments like- are you going to keep it which i just find so incredibly rude. It used to be the norm to have 3 but now it's 2. I really want 3 but DH only wants 2... pregnant with our first so we’ll see 😂

sageandbasil · 30/10/2021 15:09

Congratulations btw

Firesidefox · 30/10/2021 15:10

No stigma. I think it's the age range they're commenting on.

Peggytheredhen · 30/10/2021 15:16

I think women get judged whatever they do. Particularly after becoming a parent.

Congratulations OP Smile

AudacityBaby · 30/10/2021 15:34

As I’ve often said, I do hope they legalise euthanasia to relieve the burden on these poor people having to have kids to pay for me in my old age.

I think it’s the age gap too OP. Many of my colleagues have 3. Once you get to 4 and above, that’s when eyebrows start going up (I’m frequently lectured on my choices by someone with 5, and I don’t have kids, am vegetarian, don’t drive and haven’t flown in years!)

NothingSafe · 30/10/2021 15:46

[quote supermoonrising]@mantlemoose
The climate crisis will be solved by macro government policy and (hopefully) scientific innovation. Everyone suddenly becoming monks/nuns and giving up two weeks of sun a year is just not going to happen.[/quote]
This is a wildly optimistic view (and not accurate). We are already quite possibly too far gone to row back on the damage done that we'll see the effects of in coming years. And without a drastic, everything grinding to a halt, change in how the world works - and particularly large industrialised nations work - in the next 2 decades, we're unlikely to stop the more serious and dangerous effects down the line too.

Given that no government wants to be the one to lose the tax income (ha) of big business, make policy changes that will take away some of the convenience of modern life, and spend the huge amounts of money needed to e.g. make better hydrogen production, roll out wideranging biofuel use, completely overhaul the electric grid, etc, I'm not overly optimistic.

Of course, there are teams of people the world over working on those things, but we need them quickly. All combustion engine vehicles being banned in 2035 is fine and doable, but that's 14 years away, and one tiny fragment of the picture. Our government is still investing heavily in fossil fuels, a huge driver of climate change, as are many others - we're moving far too slowly, globally.

(All this to say - yes, amazing leaps and bounds are being made, and geoengineering is improving constantly. But it's not accurate to suggest that a) everything will be 'solved', especially not easily and b) that nobody will have to change their lifestyle)

NothingSafe · 30/10/2021 15:50

Sorry OP - people are being rude saying stuff to your face.

I think lots of people think 3 children is too many, for various reasons - the logistics and cost (which is not their problem, to be fair!), or, as with many others in this thread and myself, the environmental impact. If I'm totally honest, I'd be judging it, but I wouldn't say so to you. Not like you're going to go - oh, my bad, I'll just send it back with the receipt!

carpetbugs · 30/10/2021 16:02

I agree we need to have ‘some’ children but if we all had 3/4/5 the environmental impact is extreme. All that food, water, energy etc.

But we aren't all having 3/4/5 & no one is saying we should.

I agree but edit it to “selfish/hypocritical to have ANY children”

If you are really concerned about the environment then I agree we shouldn't have any children at all in the west. I have 2 dc, I'm not doing to judge someone in Africa having 5.

HouseCart · 30/10/2021 16:13

It's not stigma.. it's the general consensus reaction that having got to teenage age and so near the finish line (of a nearly independent age)... a baby again? I'm genuinely happy for friends who have a third some way after the first, but I can't help but think, better you than me.

Parenting just comes naturally to some people more than others.

Shadowboy · 30/10/2021 16:22

@carpetbugs

I agree we need to have ‘some’ children but if we all had 3/4/5 the environmental impact is extreme. All that food, water, energy etc.

But we aren't all having 3/4/5 & no one is saying we should.

I agree but edit it to “selfish/hypocritical to have ANY children”

If you are really concerned about the environment then I agree we shouldn't have any children at all in the west. I have 2 dc, I'm not doing to judge someone in Africa having 5.

I don’t judge African women, by and large LICs are not to blame for the climate crisis. I’m afraid that yes I do judge women in western countries who make a decision to have three children. I wouldn’t however be rude to the women themselves or treat them differently for their choices but behind a facade I do think it’s a poor choice.