At age 44

[Slimfastshady]

Is it too old to have a baby?

I have two embryos left from ivf, had my miracle Dd at 40. Was hoping to go for the embryo implant sooner, but covid hit etc etc,

I feel this is it, last chance or not and I need to make a decision.

*If successful, baby would be born when I’m 44.

Please be honest, am I too old now?

I think go for it if you want to. 44 isn’t old and people are living logger and longer.

I do think you should have posted this on the infertility board though. People who haven’t suffered pregnancy losses and infertility don’t appreciate their children as much so won’t see things the same way. They can often see children as a burden I think, saying such things as ‘I’ve got my life back now my children have left’ etc

Those of us who have suffered the heartbreak of infertility see children as previous and a joy x

*precious

Slightly younger but my sil just had a baby aged 43. No one will bat an eye lid!

OP nobody has said that you're a horrible person. I haven't said that you shouldn't go for it, I'm saying there are things you need to consider carefully like health, financial security, future planning, which hopefully you'll be doing anyway as you already have a young child.

On a thread like this you are bound to get responses from people who have been the child in this situation. Some of us (not all) have faced significant challenges and I think it would be silly to dismiss our experiences entirely, at least if you do want a rounded picture of what can happen.

Hopefully it will work out great and you'll live into your 90s, but it's so important to plan for all eventualities.

I think you should go for it. As it is obvious it’s what you really want. At 44 you will only be 4 years older than when you had DD. In no other sphere of life, would a 44 year old be considered to be so much older than a 40 year old. And as for being embarrassed, I doubt if many people could distinguish between women of 40 and 44. The difference is it is common to have a baby at 40 but fairly rare at 44. Life expectancy is now about 80 and I think you will regret it if you don’t try. I certainly didn’t feel decrepit in my 50s - never been particularly energetic so no change there.

The only thing I would say is to try be prepared for disappointment if it doesn’t actually work.

@Slimfastshady

I absolutely do not think you are a terrible person or a terrible mother.

I do think losing a parent young, particularly if it is in a long drawn-out way can have terrible consequences for the child. My father lost his father when he was 9 and has been dealing with the fallout all his life. I have a friend who lost his mother at 11 and likewise has some severe problems arising from this. I can see the suffering my family is living through and I think it is particularly hard for the youngest children who are much less settled in their lives and still need parents.

Having thought further, I think like (Sakura7) that you should undertake some serious forward planning should you decide to go ahead. Because we are all living longer, more and more people are suffering from dementia and similar conditions as they are healthier and therefore live long enough to have a fair chance of it happening.

I've also suffered from infertility and it is really hard. You have my utmost sympathy.

I hope you come to a decision that feels right for you and that it all works out well whatever you choose. I'm very sorry if anything I have said has upset you or anyone else. All I can go on is my own experience.

“I think go for it if you want to. 44 isn’t old and people are living logger and longer.

I do think you should have posted this on the infertility board though. People who haven’t suffered pregnancy losses and infertility don’t appreciate their children as much so won’t see things the same way. They can often see children as a burden I think, saying such things as ‘I’ve got my life back now my children have left’ etc

Those of us who have suffered the heartbreak of infertility see children as previous and a joy x”

@FETOCT2021 I can’t believe I read this, wtf?! People who haven’t suffered infertility don’t appreciate their children? You are mad

Oh not this one again.

@Slimfastshady

44 is too old IMO, but loads of MNers always pop up to say everyone in their social circle doesn't even START their baby making til 46... and then get all angry and offended when people (quite understandably) say 44 is too old.

In real life/in the real world, very VERY few people will have a baby at all at 44, let alone their first.

I would never do it. They will still be at school when you are SIXTY!

No, just no.

@LittleDandelionClock, what an awful post. Are you quite so lacking in empathy in real life?
It isn't the OP's first baby either. Did you even read her thread? Do you often have problems with simple comprehension?
It isn't too old. It wasn't too old in the past, before IVF etc., Many women had children in their forties when contraception was less available and big families were preferred.
Bully for you that your were able to have children earlier. Very easy to be so judgmental from your privileged position. You really are a hateful person. I would much prefer to have a nice 44 year old mother than a mean one like you.

Go for it, you’ll regret it if you don’t

The people you really need to hear from on these threads are the mums who've gotten to the other side - the 60 year old mums of the 16 year olds. Or better yet the 65 year old mums of the 21 year olds who have finally left home. I had my DS at 42. I'm trying to have another now at 43. I know what it's like to have a baby in my 40s, but what I really want to know is what's it like further down the road. I'm all in now so can't go back, but what lies ahead? And how can I make it easier in future?

OP I say go for it. I think if your finances are OK it's just a no brainer. In for a penny, in for a pound ;)

I agree @Pancakeorcrepe @FETOCT2021 sounds a bit mad. These threads always become a them and thus though. I'm astonished by the attitude of some people as a mother of two at 43 (3 and 1) I don't experience this in real life, so can only wonder what people say behind my back!!

But even after 4 losses, I can see the benefits of sending both children away for a very loooong holiday! We all moan, losses or not- our kids of course are precious, but bloody hard work too- and that's whether you are 20,30, 40, 50 or 60 btw.

Us

OP, I don't think you will regret having a baby, it's just not something that happens because it's totally against human nature and instincts, even in the most unfortunate circumstances. So if you want to make a decision that you won't regret and you're sure that's what you want, then go fo it, you will not regret it. Even if it breaks you.

My friend had 2 kids on her own (through a donor) at 40 and 42, they are now teenagers. Her current partner who is older than her now has parkinsons, so when her DH and teens are at home it's teens looking after an adult not the other way around. Including on one occasion calling ambulance. The other friend had a second child at 40 after multiple rounds of ivf but her relationship with her exDH fell apart and she is going through a very messy stressful divorce, not having enough money for food, chronically sleep deprived and stressed for over a year now. Neither of them regret having children. But knowing what they know now - and if they had their time back, they'd think twice.

If you have no stressful events of life-changing magnitude in the next 20 years, just 'normal' parenting, then you'll probably be fine. But dealing with a serious illness, financial blow or relationship problems, on top of parenting, gets harder the older you get.

@Slimfastshady Sorry if you think I've been derailing your thread but my replies were very much along the lines of go for it, anything can happen at any age to any of us.
I've simply wanted to show that despite being someone who dealt with those elderly illnesses while relatively young, I would still encourage any woman to go for it and I'll reiterate, I'm very very grateful my mum didn't listen to people who told her she was too old at nearly 44. If you have a successful pregnancy that baby will be very loved and wanted and that's all that matters

My friend was in a similar position and decided she'd roll the dice with each remaining embryo for a chance at being lucky with IVF twice.

She went through 12 years of hell to get to the point of having viable embryos so felt strongly about letting them waste away without trying.

Incredibly she's pregnant from the first roll of the dice and all appears to be progressing well. She's now in an odd position of wondering what to do with the remaining embryos if everything works out well because the options are basically destroy, or privately donate via a process almost identical to adoption (so any future child would be legally allowed to track her and her husband down in the future).

Whatever you decide, all the best. But I'm sure that not trying would be a bigger regret than rolling that dice and seeing what happens

OP, I don't think you will regret having a baby, it's just not something that happens because it's totally against human nature and instincts, even in the most unfortunate circumstances.

Based on the OP's posts, and the fact that she already has a child, I don't think she will regret it.

However, it is mindbogglingly naive to think that nobody has ever regretted having a baby, or to suggest that it's biologically impossible for that to happen.

There are lots of people out there who should not be parents, and many who regret it (it's just not something people are willing to admit because they would be vilified). There have been plenty of threads on here about it.

@sakura7 Of course it is 'biologically possible' in principle, just extremely unlikely in these (or similar) set of circumstances.

@LittleDandelionClock Wow, what a nasty post, how upsetting.

Age must be judged on a case by case basis. A person's chronological age can be very different to their biological age.

If you feel healthy enough, then 43 is not too old to have a baby.

I have to admit, I’m quite shocked by some responses. I realise it’s later than the average age but didn’t realise it was really, massively shocking and outrageous!

And I definitely didn’t thing pregnant at 39 and giving birth at 40 was that strange either!

Go for it OP!!!! Lots of older women having babies these days, and what’s a few years here or there. My colleague had a baby at 45 after years of infertility and miscarriages etc (surprise natural conception). Her little boy- now about 18 months is healthy and perfect. she is beyond happy and everyone is so happy for her.

I had a baby last year at 43. No reason in the world why you shouldn't.