At age 44

[Slimfastshady]

Is it too old to have a baby?

I have two embryos left from ivf, had my miracle Dd at 40. Was hoping to go for the embryo implant sooner, but covid hit etc etc,

I feel this is it, last chance or not and I need to make a decision.

*If successful, baby would be born when I’m 44.

Please be honest, am I too old now?

@Slimfastshady

I think sometimes when you've suffered a long period of infertility you feel like the years have been stolen from you?. Making embryos through IVF is painful, stressful, the hardest thing most of us have ever/will ever go through mentally and emotionally. That means most of us IVFers have an emotional attachment to embryos we already have frozen that people who are lucky enough never to have had to go through fertility treatment can't understand. They represent the "best" of us - the ones that made it from god knows how many egg collections and fertilised eggs maybe even made it through PGS testing too.

When the years have been stolen away but you have a ready made 100 cell potential "baby" ready to go you think well I don't feel any different at 39 to what I now feel like at 43 so why the hell not go for it. I guess there is even a sense of "I've earnt it" but like others have said there aren't many members who post saying what it's actually like parenting a teen when you are heading into retirement or knowing that you'll likely not see your child into late adulthood or be able to make memories as a grandparent one day with their children

I guess I feel like my infertility is my own cross to bear and I don't want to burden my children with it one day by having children much older. That's why age 40 is my personal cut off. I want to move on. Put my infertility and losses behind me and celebrate that I made it out the other side

@tiggerwhocamefortea An upsetting reminder there. I only have to hope I do spend as long as I can with my daughter and dearly would hope to see her grandchildren. I’d hate to be a burden to her with my infertility.
Going to sign off now as finding all this a bit too upsetting.

Op nobody is guaranteed tomorrow.
If you are in a place mentally and physically of doing it again then carry on.
Hope all goes well for you and that you are happy xx

If you feel it's right for you then yes why not.

You could have 5 kids but the time you are 30 and get run over and die

You could have another child now at 44 and live to be 104 you just don't know

People regret the things they didn't do

I would. You already have one child so I think it makes sense to give it one last shot and give them a sibling. Go for it.

If you are in a good situation relationship wise and financially and want another children then you absolutely need to give it a shot! Many men have children in their 40s. Good luck

I had IVF to have DS who was born when I was 34. All subsequent sibling rounds failed. I'm now almost 39 and much as part of me would like to go for yet another round, personally I feel I'm too old (and I appreciate that there are many women on this thread who have had kids at that age and older). I like my sleep, DS is interesting to spend time with and we have nice plans for future holidays that wouldn't seem as much fun if we had to factor in another child 5 years younger.

Life is a lottery. My dad was 30 when I was born and dead at 43. I wish I'd had the opportunity to try and have kids earlier, but I didn't meet DH until I was 29, married at 31 and then started TTC straight away. Of course I would have liked to have met him earlier in life but it wasn't to be.

Go for it OP if it's what you want

@Slimfastshady go for it. I think in your heart you know what you want to do otherwise it wouldn't be a consideration. Yes, it's older than you'd have liked to have been, but you've had a shit time of it. I say this as someone trying to conceive at 43, but you have the added bonus of frozen embryos - I think it's very different if you'd had children in your 20s or 30s and were "starting again" now, but you're already in the middle of nappies, sleepless nights and not dealing with teenagers and their shenanigans! I wish I was 10 years younger trying to have a family but for a host of reasons it didn't happen - when I was in my early 20s I thought I'd have finished my family by the time as was 29 as that was getting on a bit but now I realise that you can be an excellent, healthy mother raising a happy child ata n older age x

I had my second at 43. Yes, it is very tiring, don't underestimate that. But, I don't regret for a second giving my first a sibling. Our family feels complete now. X

I had my second at 34 and honestly the thought of doing it all again in 19th so sounds horrifying to me, so I wouldn't do it personally. Up to yourself though.

I can add 2 kids is a whole other ball game. I'm shocked at how much more work it is and stressful. There's a lot more shouting goes on now than there used to.
Also second child is sooo much harder than my first. You might get an easy one though, it's just ur luck.

@Slimfastshady

I have to admit, I’m quite shocked by some responses. I realise it’s later than the average age but didn’t realise it was really, massively shocking and outrageous!

It’s massively area/wealth/class dependent, OP

And MN is a cross section of areas, wealth and class, so you’ll have people who don’t know anyone who had babies past their late-20s, because that’s normal in their area
And you’ll have people who had more over-40s than under-40s in their NCT group, because that’s normal in their area

I personally don’t know anyone who had children before they were 30 but I’m not about to paint them all feckless gymslip mums because of some lazy stereotypes
Perhaps some of those who don’t know any/many over 40 mums might want to the same…

@SW1amp has it correct. It is so dependent on wealth, education, class. All of my friends with children the same age (many from our nursery or who we met through our nanny) are either late 30s or early to mid forties. We live in an extremely wealthy area where everyone is highly educated with interesting careers. Yet, in other communities, having several kids by mid-20s is the norm.

I hate to read that you are hurt, @Slimfastshady. Ignore all these people who can't imagine a life beyond their very narrow experience. You already have one child. There is very little difference in having another three years later, particularly as your embryo hasn't aged at all.

Someone up-thread posted something like "Go for it, but only if you can predict that your next twenty years will be free of illness, crisis, distress..." What a load of RUBBISH. No-one knows this. "Young" parents can be bad parents, or can be hit by a bus, or die of cancer. No-one's tomorrow is given. And you are early 40s, not 90!

Please don't let people on this thread hurt or dissuade you if this is something you want.

@Ruthietuthie

It is so dependent on wealth, education, class. All of my friends with children the same age (many from our nursery or who we met through our nanny) are either late 30s or early to mid forties. We live in an extremely wealthy area where everyone is highly educated with interesting careers. Yet, in other communities, having several kids by mid-20s is the norm.

What an absolutely repugnant, goady post. And what a thoroughly unpleasant, thinly-veiled nasty spiteful attack on the working classes, and people who have children at a younger age.

What a dreadful snob you are. So basically all the middle-class highly-educated yummy-mummies in the swanky, highly expensive area (that you claim to live in,) have babies past the age of 40, and only the yukky lower classes (who probably live in rented accommodation, on council estates,) have babies in their 20s.

I can't even being to list the amount of things wrong with your post. And I say this as someone who was NOT in my 20s when I became a mother.

Shame on you. What a nasty post.

I was in my 30s when I became a mother by the way!!!

@LittleDandelionClock, I didn't say anything about the mothers who had their children in their twenties. If you look at the statistics, levels of wealth and education correlate strongly with age of birth of first child. @SW1amp said exactly this too.

The OP has been really hurt by people saying horrible things about her age and things like "you shouldn't burden your child with your infertility. That's your cross to bear." How hurtful, particularly as she only has one child.

SW1Amp put it better than I did. Those posters who are so quick to say "you're too old," "I would be so embarrassed to be pregnant at your age" (that was a comment on today's thread too. How upsetting) seem to live in a world with a very narrow acceptable age to have children. People who live in different worlds have different acceptable ranges. If most people you know have children around 40, it isn't so "embarrassing" "sad" or "unthinkable" anymore. I doubt that my grandmother was embarrassed when she had her 8th child at the age of 46. As a working-class Irish Catholic woman, she lived in a community giving birth in the 40s was accepted and, if not common, definitely not rare. So when I talk about what a community expects, and not being bound by the judgments of people who have a very narrow idea of what is ok, that's what I mean.

I had my child late (born at 40) as my first husband died. I didn't plan it this way. But I am so glad that I didn't live somewhere where people disapproved in the ways that have been expressed here, just because I was over what they imagined was their ideal age to be a mother. I was also born on a council estate. It isn't snobbiness, it's data.

I should have written "as she ALREADY has one child" above. Forgive my mistyping.

Someone up-thread posted something like "Go for it, but only if you can predict that your next twenty years will be free of illness, crisis, distress..."

I get the feeling you're referring to me, but that's not actually what I said. As you're clearly so well educated, I'd expect your reading comprehension to be up to scratch.

Nobody can know what will happen in the future, but if illnesses like heart disease or dementia run in your family, it's a factor to consider.

As usual on these threads, it's all about the parents' wishes and never about the children.

@LittleDandelionClock

Indeed. That was a nasty post.

I was raised in a pretty affluent area by older parents. My friends became parents in their 30s. I'm posting about my experience of being the child of older parents, not that I should have to justify that.

OP do what you want. You get extreme views on MN.
In real life, nobody cares.

@MrsDThomas I am 48 with a just turned 3yo and he is amazing. And I am more patient and relaxed with him than I was with my older kids. I just enjoy every moment.

@LittleDandelionClock

You’ve got completely the wrong end of the stick there

There is nothing snobby or repugnant about it

It is just factual that there is a strong correlation between wealthy areas and having children later

Go and have a look in any playground in an expensive area of London, and you’ll see plenty of parents in their 40s
In fact, I would go as far as to say it’s the norm in a lot of these areas

If you’re reading snobbery into that comment, it only shows you either can’t read @Ruthietuthie’s post properly or you have your own issues