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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At age 44

246 replies

Slimfastshady · 29/10/2021 22:06

Is it too old to have a baby?

I have two embryos left from ivf, had my miracle Dd at 40. Was hoping to go for the embryo implant sooner, but covid hit etc etc,

I feel this is it, last chance or not and I need to make a decision.

*If successful, baby would be born when I’m 44.

Please be honest, am I too old now?

OP posts:
me4real · 30/10/2021 02:20

If you have frozen embryos then that probably gives you more of a chance.

I'm 44. According to the Office For National Statistics, they consider a woman's childbearing years to end at 45 for their purposes i.e. the numbers of women who have children over 45 is so small that it doesn't effect the figures much. I found that out when I was looking up how many children a woman has on average in their lifetime or something.

me4real · 30/10/2021 02:22

Definitely go for it- why not? Worth a go.

TrollsAreSaddos · 30/10/2021 02:33

I don't think 44 is too old to have a baby but I think 54 is old to have a 10 year old and 64 is way too old to have a 20 year old iyswim. I know it can and does work out well for many people but I wouldn't do it.

How old is your partner?

Bellyups · 30/10/2021 02:53

I’d say 44 isn’t so much different to 40. Both are ‘old’ mums (sorry if that causes any offence).

If you want another baby, do it. It may be more difficult, but so might the regret if you don’t

MimiDaisy11 · 30/10/2021 03:19

Go for it! It seems like you want to and you already have a young child so all the messages about having a teen in your late fifties are irrelevant.

feelingkenty · 30/10/2021 05:12

Not too old. I am 42 and currently trying for a 4th due to a family tragedy. I don't care how old I will be when a teenager etc.

Sometimes life is life and we don't get to/ or don't want to have our babies when we are young

I think thank Christ I didn't have babies with my ex. Not only did he turn out to be a massive knob head but I enjoyed all
of my twenties being young and beautiful (tongue in cheek obviously) but I did it all without children and now at 41 I have a pretty bloody good husband and father to our three beautiful young children, and can't imagine having teenagers or getting ready to be a grandma at this age!

It's what suited me but that doesn't make it wrong for anyone else. If you and (assuming you're in a couple your husband / partner) are happy to try than go for it

MissTrip82 · 30/10/2021 05:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes withdrawn post.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 30/10/2021 06:00

It's a personal thing really. Yes for me 44 is too old. I have 2 frozen embryos left - I'd like to have one more child but my cut off is 40 and even then I expect I'll feel slightly embarrassed about (hopefully) being pregnant at that age

It's better though that you already have the embryos frozen rather than someone who has "just" decided to embark on fertility treatment at that age

Speakeasy22 · 30/10/2021 06:25

Well said @MissTrip82. My parents were older. I never gave it a thought. They were fabulous. A child just loves their mum and dad and doesn't care what age they are. Health difficulties can happen at any age. A lot of that is just luck. And I'm sure your child would love to have a sibling.

Anycolourwilldo · 30/10/2021 06:30

Go for it. If you don't give it a go you might regret it in a few years. Good luck

SteveArnottsWaistcoat · 30/10/2021 06:31

Go for it! It’s one of those situations where there’s no right or wrong answer because everyone has a different opinion, but if it feels like the right thing to do then you should do it. You don’t want to die a little old lady of 104 with any regrets!! Good luck OP.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 30/10/2021 06:39

@Speakeasy22

Well said *@MissTrip82*. My parents were older. I never gave it a thought. They were fabulous. A child just loves their mum and dad and doesn't care what age they are. Health difficulties can happen at any age. A lot of that is just luck. And I'm sure your child would love to have a sibling.

That's not entirely true though

I know several people who had much older than conventional parents - someone at 18 whose father was mid 70s - he was incredibly embarrassed by it

My own DH has a dad 40 years older than him and it's sad how little relationship they have - I think he looks on him more of a grandad now than a dad.

Staryflight445 · 30/10/2021 06:53

My dad was 40 when I was born, he was great but the life differences were quite obvious.

My husband is 40 and I’m expecting our surprise 3rd. I wouldn’t contemplate at all if I was 40 too.

Each to their own though? The issues and risks with being pregnant at 44 would put me off alone, not to mention added risk because of it being ivf.

No one can live your life for you so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else’s opinion is.

motherrunner · 30/10/2021 07:05

Having children young also doesn’t guarantee they will be alive throughout your lifetime.

My parents were 20 when I was born. My dad died when I was 30 and my mum has been in a nursing home for 15 years (she has no idea who I am). I’m 42.

DH’s parents were 30 when he was born (‘old’ for the 70s!). His father passed 15 years ago but his mum (at 73) is very much fit and heathy - she does voluntary work, exercise classes, socialises etc.

OP, no one can predict the future. As I said I’m 42 and I don’t want anymore children but I have the two I wanted and planned for. It’s easy for people to say ‘I couldn’t do it’ but already have the children they wanted.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 30/10/2021 07:08

I would do it.
The world is going through a pandemic if that hasn’t taught us what’s really important then I don’t know what will.
If a person wants a baby at 40, 44 whatever and they have the means to care for it then IMO then a baby is a blessing in their life.

Hopeful16 · 30/10/2021 07:37

I have 2 IVF children: my first at 41 and second at 43 as a FET. We absolutely didn't think we could be "lucky enough" to be successful the second time but I couldn't bear the thought of disposing of the embryos so went for it - so we put the decision in the hands of fate.
We were successful and now at 46 I have an (almost) 3 year old and an (almost) 5 year old. I love it and although it's not been easy I can't say if it's been harder than if we were any younger.
One huge thing that I always considered was that although I had got older the embryos hadn't as they were frozen - if that makes sense.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Sometimes fate will make the decision for you.

Redsquirrel5 · 30/10/2021 07:39

My sister was born when mum was 44 and they had a great relationship. Mum died at 83 and my two youngest sister’s looked after her. The other sister was born when mum was 42. They lived in mum’s home country as she decided to go back there to live and they went too.
I would say go for it.

Original poster
Slimfastshady · 30/10/2021 09:17

@TrollsAreSaddos He’s the same age as me, 43

OP posts:
Original poster
Slimfastshady · 30/10/2021 09:19

@tiggerwhocamefortea You’d be embarrassed to be 40 and pregnant? Wow, that would really be your thought about being pregnant. I was proud and over the moon.
There must be lots of pregnant women out there you find embarrassing then

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 30/10/2021 09:30

I have a dd born when l was 42. I’m 57 now.

I would say look to your finances for the future first. As you get older you get more tired, everything hurts more, and you honestly want to slow down a bit.

You can’t take early retirement or reduce your hours that easily if you are still funding teens. I wish someone had told me this. But l still would have had her anyway! But I’m just saying that 44 is very different to 54, but not that different from 34.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/10/2021 09:35

No you are not too old. I was 44 when I had DS. Many people will think differently though and tell you so.

Original poster
Slimfastshady · 30/10/2021 09:48

Gosh, it makes for quite depressing as we enter our 50’s, I had no idea that’s when you start to feel so much older, achy etc 😩

OP posts:
FoxBaseBeta · 30/10/2021 09:52

Go for it

My mum was almost 44 when she had me and like a couple of other posters have mentioned, I did end up losing both parents by 36. One suddenly and one with a few tough years of illness. But honestly, I'm just glad they had me.
Of course I'd have preferred to have had them around for much longer but life doesn't work like that. My own mum lost her parents early because they both died of cancer young, no one could have predicted that.
As a child of older parents who's been through the tough times while also starting a family, I would still say absolutely go for it Smile
I'm pretty glad that I'm alive Grin

BigFatLiar · 30/10/2021 09:57

[quote Slimfastshady]@thenewduchessofhastings As lovely as they are, I don’t think I could risk having twins at this age, I really would find that hard wouldn’t I 🙈[/quote]
Depends on the babies, one can be hard going. We had twins but were lucky as they were fine (mostly). It may be a risk having twins but its still a risk having one, you never know what they're going to be like until they're here.

I wouldn't worry too much about the age, things go wrong at any age. As long as they have a loving family it should be fine.

Hathertonhariden · 30/10/2021 10:47

@Slimfastshady

Gosh, it makes for quite depressing as we enter our 50’s, I had no idea that’s when you start to feel so much older, achy etc 😩
OP - it's mainly much younger people assuming that people in their 50s are teetering around on zimmer frames. At 50 you've still got almost 20 years before you qualify for a state pension so writing people off en masse at that age is ridiculous. There will always be some people who aren't in good shape but that is largely down to illnesses that could have come on at any age or people who haven't been in good shape for a very long time.