At age 44

[Slimfastshady]

Is it too old to have a baby?

I have two embryos left from ivf, had my miracle Dd at 40. Was hoping to go for the embryo implant sooner, but covid hit etc etc,

I feel this is it, last chance or not and I need to make a decision.

*If successful, baby would be born when I’m 44.

Please be honest, am I too old now?

*athertonhariden

Slimfastshady
Gosh, it makes for quite depressing as we enter our 50’s, I had no idea that’s when you start to feel so much older, achy etc 😩
OP - it's mainly much younger people assuming that people in their 50s are teetering around on zimmer frames. At 50 you've still got almost 20 years before you qualify for a state pension so writing people off en masse at that age is ridiculous. There will always be some people who aren't in good shape but that is largely down to illnesses that could have come on at any age or people who haven't been in good shape for a very long time*

That person was responding to my post. I’m 57. Dh is 62. We both are much to refer than we were and have lots more aches and pains than in our 40’s. This seems to be quite common in people aged 50+. The menopause is also a killer.

So no, not ready for zimmerframes, but still feel older. Despite all the usual exercising and health eating. It does catch up with you eventually.

I've asked for my post to be removed as it contains too many identifying details. Sorry that it made some of you angry. I still think it's the wrong thing to have a baby at this age.

Had my second Ivf ds at 45
I’m much LESS tired and more relaxed than my first
I’m on thyroid meds now which helps loads
Good luck

@RaoulDufysCat

Anyone who has experience of being the child of older parents (either directly or through siblings, partners, etc) gets destroyed on these threads if they dare to mention the negatives they experienced.

Apparently we should be delighted to spend our 20s caring for parents with serious illnesses because we were lucky to be born.

I loved my dad and it was very traumatic watching him essentially lose his mind. The early symptoms started when I was in my late teens and I spent a lot of time worrying about him. I didn't take opportunities to study or work away from home because he, and my mother, needed support. It's a very different life to your peers and it's very isolating.

It's easy for someone who had their parents around for a long time to say that a 20 or 30 year old should be fine with it because they're an adult now. My friends in their late 30s and 40s still have support from their parents, both practical and emotional.

I’m 46 and fit and healthy but have been feeling awful due to perimemopause. Hoping hrt I’ve started helps. The thought of this plus baby or toddler is not appealing at all.

Im 47 and the thought of a 3 yr old round my ankles makes me shiver.
Its a too old from me.

@Hathertonhariden I find it is people in their mid to late fifties and older who know how your body does change. Of course we are still working and doing stuff. But my friend who is also in her late fifties and has two children 9 and 12 does say she struggles. For example she hated her recent family holiday as she said she found it too tiring.

I think its worth thinking how you want to end your fertility journey - can you cope with finishing on a failed IVF treatment if it isn’t successful. Can you cope with now just giving it one more try. Flip a coin and see if your disappointed with the outcome… that will tell you what your really want to do!

I loved my dad and it was very traumatic watching him essentially lose his mind. The early symptoms started when I was in my late teens and I spent a lot of time worrying about him. I didn't take opportunities to study or work away from home because he, and my mother, needed support. It's a very different life to your peers and it's very isolating.

Sadly this doesn't just happen to older people. People become in or need help at any age. Just because your parents are younger doesn't mean they will stay healthy, probably less risk but no guarantee.

Honestly it is simple reality that the older you are, the more likely you are to get seriously or chronically ill.

[quote Sakura7]**@RaoulDufysCat

Anyone who has experience of being the child of older parents (either directly or through siblings, partners, etc) gets destroyed on these threads if they dare to mention the negatives they experienced.

Apparently we should be delighted to spend our 20s caring for parents with serious illnesses because we were lucky to be born.

I loved my dad and it was very traumatic watching him essentially lose his mind. The early symptoms started when I was in my late teens and I spent a lot of time worrying about him. I didn't take opportunities to study or work away from home because he, and my mother, needed support. It's a very different life to your peers and it's very isolating.

It's easy for someone who had their parents around for a long time to say that a 20 or 30 year old should be fine with it because they're an adult now. My friends in their late 30s and 40s still have support from their parents, both practical and emotional.[/quote]
As I said earlier, I also went through this (Alzheimer's) and I'd be lying if I said I don't get jealous of friends who still have parental support. I'm certainly not going to slate you on your experience/take on it.

Maybe I'm more accepting because my mum also went through similar from her teens through twenties, her parents had her in their twenties but sadly both ended up with cancer with my mum having to take time out to care for them both while she was young. I think it's given me the philosophy that shit happens and unfortunately you have to deal with it whenever that point is.
Also somewhat selfishly, in some ways I've felt relieved that I've already been through it and don't have to worry about my parents anymore. It almost felt liberating through lockdown whilst friends were worrying about ageing parents, I only had to concentrate on the kids and DH.

Of course it would be great if they'd had me earlier, but circumstances got in the way and I'm glad they didn't listen to family telling them they were too old.

@Sakura7 Thank you. To be honest, this has all been and continues to be so awful that I am not sure I can cope much longer and I am older than my sister with a lot more in my life outside of what is going on - places to escape to. I would not wish this on anyone, young or old.

@FoxBaseBeta it is a fair point that you would still have wished to be born. I guess I would too although it's so unimaginably awful that sometimes I wonder if the happy rest of my life really does outweigh the last ten years or so. My mother doesn't have Alzheimer's so I don't know what that is like. She has a different type of dementia that has destroyed not only her memories but also entirely altered her personality/ability to interact with other people, and robbed her of the ability to speak or understand any language.

@RaoulDufysCat I am so sorry to hear that. My father has pre senile dementia, but at least I am on my late fifties so have had many good years with him.

I'm 45 and can't think of anything worse than having a baby. BUT I have 3 children, the youngest is 19, they've all left home and I have my life back at last. Your situation is very different having only just had your first, so our situations aren't comparable. If it's what you want why not. Good luck.

@RaoulDufysCat it's much easier for me, now I'm the other side of it all but do see where you're coming from in the midst of it. I certainly had my moments in those few years, particularly on maternity leave when everyone else was going off to groups and I was driving over everyday to care for my mum with a new baby in tow.
Things actually got easier when maternity leave finished and there was really no choice but for my mum to go into a care home.

I still see those years as a blip though and that it was (bad) luck of the draw that my mum had Alzheimer's (mixed with dementia diagnosis). I'm so sorry you're going through such a terrible time, my mum was still able to speak until she died (from sepsis and a horrific neglectful stay in hospital but that's another story).

[quote Slimfastshady]@tiggerwhocamefortea You’d be embarrassed to be 40 and pregnant? Wow, that would really be your thought about being pregnant. I was proud and over the moon.
There must be lots of pregnant women out there you find embarrassing then[/quote]

Of course I don't find older pregnant women embarrassing - that's not what I said. I said I MYSELF would feel a bit embarrassed at being 40 and pregnant especially as it would be a 4th pregnancy. It's not the same as if it was a first (or second even)

@FoxBaseBeta

Thank you. It does help to hear from someone who is out the other side. And I'm so sorry to hear about the hospital stay. It sounds terrible.

I wish my mother could go into a care home but there are a variety of reasons why that can't happen so we are just stuck with it all until it's over. It sounds horrible but I really hope it does not take too long.

@julieca

Thanks for your sympathy. I hope your Dad has some good or at least peaceful years left with you.

@RaoulDufysCat I understand completely, it doesn't sound horrible, certainly not for anyone who's been there. Without also wanting to sound horrible, I hope you get to the other side soon
It must be incredibly tough if there's no care home option.

My grandma had her fourth and fifth children at 42 and 43, that was 60 years ago now. It was actually more common for women to have babies over 40 in the past, because there were more babies being born in general. What’s different now is the % of babies born to older mothers.

If you want it, there’s no reason not to go for it.

I’m very sorry for the people struggling with their parents having illnesses, but please stop and take a minute to think how those posts may possibly make people feel who had children later, through no fault of their own.
My own thread has been derailed with others problems, very sad ones, yes, but we all have those and our own experiences.
My own father is suffering with dementia and my mother with breast cancer. They’re both in their late 60’s so not old. Yes, I am lucky I’m older too but I’ve had my own years of hell struggling with infertility, years of treatments, an emergency ectopic that almost killed me and numerous miscarriages,
I finally had some happiness after 9 years at age 39 when the last round of ivf finally worked, but not it’s been suggested that
a terrible person and mother for potentially spoiling her life,
She’s my absolute world and we both adore her with all our hearts.

There are so many variations of health at 40, 50, 60

No stranger on the internet can give you an answer

I’m pregnant and 40, and the pregnancy has been no more physically tiring than when I was 34

When I’m not pregnant, I run 20ish miles a week, I work full time, I have late nights

But I know 40year olds who may as well be 60 for the state of their health

Equally, FIL is mid-70s and in a cycling club, and thinks nothing of getting up at 6am on a Sunday to cycle 80 miles up hills

When he is with DGCs, he can chase them around parks for hours

My 65yo dad, on the other hand, can barely make it up a flight of stairs without pausing for breath because he is so unfit

The acid test on these sorts of threads is usually something about dads being young enough to kick a ball around with their kids
Some men can’t do that at 30, others could still do it at 70

It’s not about the blunt instrument of age, it’s about the overall picture of health and energy, surely?

*Now it’s been suggested that I’m a terrible person and mother

Twins at 42 and a 3rd at 45 who was a tad unexpected.
Don't feel tired or any less able than younger parents.

I’m kind of coming out the other side of this now. I had ds3, after the late miscarriage of twins and an early mc, at 42. My older boys were 11 and 9. To be honest, I had almost given up when it happened.

I had a great pregnancy, easiest of them all and 10 months mat leave whereas I had to return to work when the older ones were 12 weeks. That’s all you got then. I enjoyed every minute.

Ds3 is now 15. He has ADHD and high functioning autism (Aspergers in old money) but so does ds1. He is a very clever, extremely sensitive boy and whilst that has its disadvantages he is also the kindest, most caring human I know. I am soooo chilled with him. I don’t sweat the small stuff and he doesn’t create any big stuff. My 3 are all best friends which is lovely too.

From my experience I’d say go for it and best of luck.