Page 7 | Inlaws don't want to be around my family at Xmas - AIBU to be upset?

Familyofthreeandthecat · 2021-10-29T19:35:59+00:00

So we live about 3 hours away for our families and we have, for the first time, invited my inlaws, and my dad and sister down to be with us for Xmas. A few days, and we have plenty of space for people to stay. My dad and sister immediately said yes, but my inlaws basically said they don't want to come at the same time as my dad and sister, the reason they gave was because they don't know them that well (me and husband have been together 10 years, married for 2) I'm quite upset by this, that they won't even make an effort for Xmas. I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents, spend it together etc. I get that people have different ideas for Xmas, but my husband is their only child, our son their only grandchild, they moaned about not seeing us last Christmas. And now they won't come! AIBU to be upset?? Husband thinks I'm taking it too personally.

saraclara · 30/10/2021 10:46

@JustRambling I'm in my 60s. And yes I sometimes get up in the night to go to the loo. But oddly enough, in the middle of the night there is no queue for the loo and I've never yet met anyone on the landing. And if I did, so what? I've stayed over at house parties and slept on airbeds on the floor. Still had no issues with worrying about bathrooms.

My late DH had a colostomy. Still unfazed by staying over with friends and sharing a single bathroom.

I'm sorry, but it's ridiculously precious to expect an ensuite from anyone who hosts you, whatever your age.

Tailendofsummer · 30/10/2021 10:57

But people are not expecting an en suite, they are saying they wouldn't go. Totally different. People are entitled to want whatever level of privacy they want over bodily functions. I hate sharing a hotel room now with a friend and always end up going to the loo when she's at breakfast etc. A quick wee is one thing, but that's not the only thing that comes out!

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/10/2021 11:05

@DuploSubmarine

Stamping your trotters and wailing "why aren't my PILs besties with my lovely parents" makes you sound unhinged.

I know who I think sounds unhinged here...

DuploSubmarine · 30/10/2021 11:09

Oooooooooo burn 😂😂😂

DuploSubmarine · 30/10/2021 11:10

Is that a bit like "twinkle twinkle little star, what you say is what you are" but for grown ups?

JustRambling · 30/10/2021 11:17

[quote saraclara]@JustRambling I'm in my 60s. And yes I sometimes get up in the night to go to the loo. But oddly enough, in the middle of the night there is no queue for the loo and I've never yet met anyone on the landing. And if I did, so what? I've stayed over at house parties and slept on airbeds on the floor. Still had no issues with worrying about bathrooms.

My late DH had a colostomy. Still unfazed by staying over with friends and sharing a single bathroom.

I'm sorry, but it's ridiculously precious to expect an ensuite from anyone who hosts you, whatever your age.[/quote]
When did I say that I expected an ensuite?

And BTW if you’re only in your sixties I reckon you’re still a youngster. Bathrooms do become a bit of an obsession with us real oldies.

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2021 11:29

Glad you changed your stance op, what you wrote wasn’t fair, you wrote it like they can’t stand your family and don’t wish to be near them

In reality they are virtual strangers like most sets of inlaws, and many people don’t wish a large Xmas with folks they barely know, making polite conversation, wouldn’t be my bag either.

Your husband was right, you were taking it far too personally when it wasn’t personal and all of them sharing a bathroom can be torture for many folks,

RuggerHug · 30/10/2021 11:31

OP since they've met before, how did that go? Is there a chance they're looking at it with a "oh god no, remember the Christening, he spent the whole afternoon shouting/drunk/praising Trump/being a racist dickhead, we can't have 3 days of that!".

Not saying your family are awful or anything but based on how they got on before might be more the reasoning they have more than how many bathrooms you have.

Livpool · 30/10/2021 13:05

That is weird and rude - they won't ever get to know them with that attitude! I have my DPs and PIL over for Christmas dinner. They are all DS' grandparents and so why wouldn't they spend time together.

DH is close to his DPs, as I am with mine. I think it is nice

Dishwashersaurous · 30/10/2021 13:08

But why would they want to get to know them. There is no reason why extended families need to get on with their extended in laws

DuploSubmarine · 30/10/2021 13:19

I'm sure op's family aren't anything terrible, like Trump fanatics or whatever. But I do think you sometimes can't see why someone you love/like might not like someone else you love/like. Equally, it's hard for someone whose in laws and parents are great friends to understand families where they are just vague acquaintances and happy enough that way. It doesn't mean anyone has issues, is weird, hateful or rude. They just want to choose their own friends.

Also, the odd dinner at Christmas or whatever isn't the same for a lot of people as staying for a few days under the same roof. That's like a mini break! I'd not even go on a mini break with my own sister let alone my (hypothetical) dil's sister, unless we happened happened get on pretty well. I know a lot of people on here feel differently and would gladly stay with people they didn't know so well, but everyone's different. Life's rich tapestry blah blah.

ColinTheKoala · 30/10/2021 13:29

@Tailendofsummer

OP most families alternate Christmas, what you're proposing is not the norm, have you considered why? Nice of you to offer but absolutely fine for them to refuse without you taking offence

Probably only because of space. One year we went to the in-laws and took my dad with us. I can't see the issue generally as long as you don't hate each other, but agree you do need more than one loo (in-laws don't, but the loo was at least separate to the bathroom which helped if you were cleaning your teeth and someone needed the loo).

We would definitely have my mum and SIL here together but don't have the space.

Tailendofsummer · 30/10/2021 13:59

Many parents have more than one adult dc to spend time with at Christmas. Or parents who have separated and remarried. It's not as simple as just have both sets round and then no one is ever left out.

TheChiefJo · 30/10/2021 18:40

[quote FortyFiver]@saraclara
Me neither!
My MIL and the bathroom thing has got worse as she has got older.
She goes away with her friend on holiday each year and she refuses to share a hotel room with her because she "needs" her own bathroom. She then complains about single supplements

We are going on holiday with her next year (in the U.K.) and we have ended up having to get a more expensive cottage because she "needs" an en suite which invariably is attached to the master bedroom which usually means DH and I in a twin room (again, we put our foot down and insisted on a double bed) - she won't contribute a third (she contributes 1/5th) because she is on her own but HAS to have the best bedroom.

It was actually a factor in us buying this house because we can have her to stay more because she has an en suite.

Maybe it is an age thing? I find it really childish.[/quote]
Just thinking, does your MIL have problems with her bowels or frequency? Could something like that be making her feel too embarrassed to share a bathroom overnight?

RuggerHug · 30/10/2021 20:09

@DuploSubmarine

I'm sure op's family aren't anything terrible, like Trump fanatics or whatever. But I do think you sometimes can't see why someone you love/like might not like someone else you love/like. Equally, it's hard for someone whose in laws and parents are great friends to understand families where they are just vague acquaintances and happy enough that way. It doesn't mean anyone has issues, is weird, hateful or rude. They just want to choose their own friends.

Also, the odd dinner at Christmas or whatever isn't the same for a lot of people as staying for a few days under the same roof. That's like a mini break! I'd not even go on a mini break with my own sister let alone my (hypothetical) dil's sister, unless we happened happened get on pretty well. I know a lot of people on here feel differently and would gladly stay with people they didn't know so well, but everyone's different. Life's rich tapestry blah blah.

Oh I wasn't suggesting they were, just tried to think of examples where one afternoon would be enough to say no way to a few days under one roof.

cptartapp · 30/10/2021 20:16

I'd have declined too. All Christmas Day with virtual strangers and a young child, GC or not, that would be hard work and a big no Thankyou.

Howshouldibehave · 30/10/2021 20:34

I have never lived in a house with an en suite, let alone been given one as a guest-I can’t imagine this would even be on my radar when going to visit someone!

Original poster

Familyofthreeandthecat · 30/10/2021 20:38

@MangoIce

YANBU. Your in laws have issues if they can’t get to know TWO people. It’s not like you’re inviting them to a party of 20 of your family members! Why haven’t they met your dad and sister before when you’ve been with their son for 10 years? Very odd.

@MangoIce they have met!! Couple of time before our wedding, our wedding day, my husbands stag do, father day last year we spent all together! They have met numerous times, we've had dinner out, lunch out. Plus exactly right, it's 2 people! Lol

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