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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws don't want to be around my family at Xmas - AIBU to be upset?

168 replies

Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 20:35

So we live about 3 hours away for our families and we have, for the first time, invited my inlaws, and my dad and sister down to be with us for Xmas. A few days, and we have plenty of space for people to stay.
My dad and sister immediately said yes, but my inlaws basically said they don't want to come at the same time as my dad and sister, the reason they gave was because they don't know them that well (me and husband have been together 10 years, married for 2)
I'm quite upset by this, that they won't even make an effort for Xmas. I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents, spend it together etc.
I get that people have different ideas for Xmas, but my husband is their only child, our son their only grandchild, they moaned about not seeing us last Christmas. And now they won't come!
AIBU to be upset?? Husband thinks I'm taking it too personally.

OP posts:
Notjustanymum · 30/10/2021 08:12

I wouldn’t be upset, OP - it took over 20 years before my parents and in-laws felt comfortable enough to spend more than a sole sociable evening together with our family. I would host your DDad and DSis for Christmas, then visit in-laws at New Year, then swap and go to them for Christmas next year, and host your DDad and DSis at New Year, for example...
Sometimes people don’t like staying over with people they barely know - and I am one of them! The thought of having to be “on” over a holiday is quite exhausting so we still tend to stay at home just our family for most holidays and make day-trip visits to see extended family, or them to us. Works for us!

Ratched · 30/10/2021 08:22

I adore my daughter in law and have a lovely relationship with her.
I loathe her parents. I do spend time in their company for grandchild birthday party, for instance, but that us only for an hour or two. The thought of having to spend the day with them would do my head in.

Try to separate it OP. Just because they don't want to spend time with your parents is no reflection on their relationship with you.

RitaFires · 30/10/2021 08:25

@saraclara I think for a lot of people the bathroom issue is potentially having to queue to use the loo and not knowing people well enough to feel comfortable arranging who gets to use the shower at whatever particular time. Also with all the eating that goes on at Christmas, someone with a sensitive tummy might be in fear of taking up the toilet for a long time with people they barely know knocking on the door asking if they'll be done soon. While some people do prefer an ensuite I think it's the person to bathroom ratio that's the main concern.

FortyFiver · 30/10/2021 08:25

@saraclara
Me neither!
My MIL and the bathroom thing has got worse as she has got older.
She goes away with her friend on holiday each year and she refuses to share a hotel room with her because she "needs" her own bathroom. She then complains about single supplements Confused

We are going on holiday with her next year (in the U.K.) and we have ended up having to get a more expensive cottage because she "needs" an en suite which invariably is attached to the master bedroom which usually means DH and I in a twin room (again, we put our foot down and insisted on a double bed) - she won't contribute a third (she contributes 1/5th) because she is on her own but HAS to have the best bedroom.

It was actually a factor in us buying this house Blush because we can have her to stay more because she has an en suite.

Maybe it is an age thing? I find it really childish.

Arieliwish · 30/10/2021 08:28

OP I think it was a lovely gesture to invite everyone! And why not! My DM and my in-laws see eachother quite frequently- at my children’s birthdays- and other events. My DM made a big effort to get to know them. We’ve had them both for Christmas lunch in the past.
I understand actually staying together is another step but it’s only a few days.
I hate it when people expect it their way or the high-way it’s like fine, we will just see you less! And they are the ones who miss out! We’ve still had a great time. Smile

saraclara · 30/10/2021 08:31

Maybe it is an age thing?

Well I'm in my mid 60s, so I'd say not. It's those of us at that age who are probably less likely to have en-suites. We certainly wouldn't have grown up with them, as they weren't a feature of houses back then. .

I dunno. Maybe it's another example of mumsnetters being at the better off end of the population.

shylatte · 30/10/2021 08:33

I would suck it up if it meant getting to spend time with my dgc. You've asked them so you've done the right thing, they've declined so any complaints of them missing dgc can be shut down with "you were asked".

CBroads · 30/10/2021 08:36

Maybe they just don't want to spend Christmas with strangers? I don't really have anything to do with my inlaws as they're very overbearing, I avoid them at every possible cost. Where did the idea of both families having to meet one another come from? Its abit too Old-fashioned for me.

FortyFiver · 30/10/2021 08:39

@RitaFires we have three bathrooms (one en suite to the guest room - I don't actually like en suites) one family bathroom (with a separate shower) and a shower room which we seldom use because we don't really need it - the shower room is next to the single guest room but you have to walk down the hall to get to it iyswim. MIL actually hinted about whether it could be knocked through to form another en suite (it could, but it would need to be completely re configured to do so and we do not have the money to do it right now, it really isn't a priority right now).
Four toilets.
There would be 7 of us in the house. I think that ratio is absolutely fine!

The thing that annoys me is that she thinks it is perfectly fine for me to spend my Christmases with strangers (my ILs) but not the other way round. She is all sad face about it but really it is her that inconveniences everyone else with her foibles.

RampantIvy · 30/10/2021 08:42

@saraclara

I'm bemused by the obsession with bathrooms in this thread! There are no ensuites in my or any of my family's houses, let alone in a guest room! Same with friends I've stayed with. We don't go into a decline at the thought of staying with each other and sharing a family bathroom. What's so traumatic about having to cross the landing to use the bathroom?!
I have IBS. I wouldn't want to stay in a house with only one loo with several other people. I would book a Premier Inn or similar.
MangoIce · 30/10/2021 08:47

YANBU. Your in laws have issues if they can’t get to know TWO people. It’s not like you’re inviting them to a party of 20 of your family members! Why haven’t they met your dad and sister before when you’ve been with their son for 10 years? Very odd.

DuploSubmarine · 30/10/2021 09:08

@MangoIce

YANBU. Your in laws have issues if they can’t get to know TWO people. It’s not like you’re inviting them to a party of 20 of your family members! Why haven’t they met your dad and sister before when you’ve been with their son for 10 years? Very odd.
Considering nearly half the thread seems to be agreeing with them, I'm not sure that "they have ishooos" is the most sensible conclusion to draw.
RitaFires · 30/10/2021 09:15

@FortyFiver Your MIL sounds like a nightmare, I have known people like her who seem intent on making life as difficult as possible for other people but will accept not even the slightest discomfort for themselves. It might stem from some kind of anxiety about toilets for her but it's not fair for her to make it a problem for everyone else.

I was just pointing out the toilet ratio thing because I have met people who are intent on hosting things but don't really have the facilities and then get upset when a dozen of their friends aren't happy to sleep on airbeds in their living room and kitchen and share use of a single loo. Or say the more the merrier so one person ends up sitting on the floor eating a meal from a mug with some chopsticks. Not that I think that's what the OP is doing but people have different levels of comfort and sociability and I think it's better to not go than to go and have a shit time and drag everyone else's mood down with you.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/10/2021 09:21

that many people with no escape is my idea of hell - whether I knew them or not.
Also sounds like a lot of work for you - enjoy being with your family, invite in laws another time.

FortyFiver · 30/10/2021 10:03

@RitaFires oh absolutely- we could never host at our old house. We used to give up our bedroom to my MIL and we would sleep on the sofa bed in the lounge.
It's disappointing that we now can do this but MIL won't compromise which means we still have to drive hundreds of miles over Christmas.

Cantcook842 · 30/10/2021 10:14

I agree with your parents in afraid. This is my idea of hell and its nothing personal to you at all on their part. My sister organises things that combine our family and her husbands side. We don't know them, don't want to know them!

babouchette · 30/10/2021 10:20

My in laws are like this but not just about Christmas. Having met my (lovely) parents twice, one of these times being at my wedding, they now won't be in the same room as them. No one knows why. My parents certainly haven't ever done anything to them. They go to great lengths to avoid my mum and dad. If we invite them over and they find out my parents are coming they will pull out. I find it extremely hurtful and get very annoyed that we have to pander to it. My own parents are bewildered by it but too nice to say anything.

This Christmas my ILs are going to stay with us on the night of Christmas Eve and leave the next morning before my parents arrive for lunch. They won't even hang around to say a quick hello. It's so incredibly rude but after 10 years I am used to it. I'm not allowed to ask why apparently as it will kick off WW3 🙄

Blueeyedgirl21 · 30/10/2021 10:24

MILs needing their own ensuites😱

Wtf are people doing in bathrooms that they need to spend so much time in them

Inflammatory bowel conditions are probably the only reason I’d be totally understanding but even then I have a friend with a colostomy who is probably the most adventurous person I know and doesn’t give two hoots if someone goes in the bathroom after her. She just takes a while to sort things out !

DuploSubmarine · 30/10/2021 10:27

I think if they were insisting op drives hundreds of miles to see them at Christmas because they were so set against spending Christmas with her family, but equally set on seeing op, her dh and their dc, then I'd refuse to go. Because they've been given the option to come to op's house.

But them not wanting to stay in the same house as people they don't know isn't a massive snub or proof they have ishooos. It's pretty reasonable.

But op I'd equally within her rights not to go and see them if it isn't convenient.

That's being respectful and grown up. Just because you love one group of people and also love another group of people, that doesn't mean the two groups have to love each other.

My mum is dead and my dad has a new partner (the ow from when he had an affair when my mum was alive). He is very happy with her. I love my dad. But I don't want to spend any significant time with his partner, even though she's pretty inoffensive. Once you're an adult, you get to make those choices.

If you're going to be hurt and resentful because your in laws don't want a cosy weekend with your own family, then that's an ishooo too tbh.

DuploSubmarine · 30/10/2021 10:34

Stamping your trotters and wailing "why aren't my PILs besties with my lovely parents" makes you sound unhinged.

CommanderBurnham · 30/10/2021 10:36

If they really wanted to come they'd come. Truth is they don't want to come that much. If they have practical issues about staying at yours they can get a hotel.

Loudestcat14 · 30/10/2021 10:36

My parents and in-laws both come to us every Xmas. I'm 100% certain that in the real world they wouldn't naturally be friends, but both sides enjoy themselves because it's a special occasion and they get to spend the day with their DGC. It's a shame your in-laws won't give it a go, OP, as they might find they enjoy themselves but be thankful your DH isn't fussed about it and isn't making you put his parents first.

JustRambling · 30/10/2021 10:41

@saraclara

I'm bemused by the obsession with bathrooms in this thread! There are no ensuites in my or any of my family's houses, let alone in a guest room! Same with friends I've stayed with. We don't go into a decline at the thought of staying with each other and sharing a family bathroom. What's so traumatic about having to cross the landing to use the bathroom?!
@saraclara I don’t know how old you are but the problem with us older people sharing a bathroom is that we often have visit it during the night and unfortunately ☹️ often more than once. Exchanging pleasantries in the middle of the night with new people while in the queue for the bathroom is just not on. No matter whether we like them or not.
Squirrelblanket · 30/10/2021 10:42

I'd be delighted if I'd invited my in laws and they declined. Grin

DuploSubmarine · 30/10/2021 10:44

I'm pretty sociable, but I would never say to someone over the age of 7 that "maybe if you gave it a go you'd become friends with my mum". My late mum would be do embarrassed if I'd coordinated friendships for her. It would make life a lot easier for op if they were friends, but it's weird to take the hump when a grown up couple say they'd rather not. I think all of this comes from the nicest of places and I've probably wanted to do similar in the past, with groups of friends. It rarely works out tbh.