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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws don't want to be around my family at Xmas - AIBU to be upset?

168 replies

Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 20:35

So we live about 3 hours away for our families and we have, for the first time, invited my inlaws, and my dad and sister down to be with us for Xmas. A few days, and we have plenty of space for people to stay.
My dad and sister immediately said yes, but my inlaws basically said they don't want to come at the same time as my dad and sister, the reason they gave was because they don't know them that well (me and husband have been together 10 years, married for 2)
I'm quite upset by this, that they won't even make an effort for Xmas. I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents, spend it together etc.
I get that people have different ideas for Xmas, but my husband is their only child, our son their only grandchild, they moaned about not seeing us last Christmas. And now they won't come!
AIBU to be upset?? Husband thinks I'm taking it too personally.

OP posts:
Firesidefox · 29/10/2021 20:37

YANBU, mine are the exact same. Won't leave the north come hell or high water...

fourandnomore · 29/10/2021 20:39

Yanbu to be upset but that’s because you are entitled to your feelings. If they don’t know them well anf they’d all need to stay over it could be weird for them. I can see both points of view. We’ve had this before but not both staying and it was ok but very hard work. I think they’re doing you a favour to be honest.

Accidentgirlfriend · 29/10/2021 20:39

Your family are coming and if they want to come too then the offer is there ?!

AutumnLeaves21 · 29/10/2021 20:40

YABU. You might be close with your dad and sister, your in laws aren’t. I’d hate to spend christmas with virtual strangers. Especially to stay with them for a few days.

Monsterjam · 29/10/2021 20:40

I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with near strangers either. Perhaps they can try and get to know your family a bit more then in future years May feel more comfortable spending time together

Chloemol · 29/10/2021 20:40

YANBU but it’s their loss and they can’t complain if they don’t see their grandchild

Have a great time with your family and leave them to sort their own Christmas

I also wouldn’t be travelling there, they have the offer to come to you

Mum2jenny · 29/10/2021 20:41

Ignore them, concentrate on those who want to visit. You offered, they declined. Their choice!

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/10/2021 20:42

I think saying they are not coming because of your fam is a bit dramatic- they don't want to spend an important holiday with people they barely know. I wouldn't want to either.

DuploSubmarine · 29/10/2021 20:43

I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with people I didn't know either, but at the same time, I wouldn't moan at people for not coming to see me at Christmas, as your in laws did...

I think yabu, but at least you offered so they have no right to moan anymore?

ChicCroissant · 29/10/2021 20:43

That depends on whether this is normal behaviour for your inlaws, that they don't feel comfortable with people they don't know well if they are staying for a few days (I'm assuming they don't know your parents well?) I can see why it is frustrating but I don't think you should take it personally because it's not about you (or your parents really, I suspect).

Is it just because of your child that you want everyone to come to yours now - fair enough in my opinion, but it might not be in theirs.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 29/10/2021 20:45

How are they ever going to get to know them unless they send time with them?! One awkward Christmas getting to know each other could set up a lifetime of happy Christmases in the future!
YANBU, they can just miss out then can’t they.

ChicCroissant · 29/10/2021 20:46

Do they want to come at a different time to your family OP?

Dibble135 · 29/10/2021 20:48

Mine are the same but also all year round. They are both retired, both drive, both have a car. But the thought of travelling the 1hr 45 mins to see us for a change? Forget it.

Don’t make the mistake I did and go to them instead. You’ve invited, they said no. They are entitled to their choice but that comes with the consequence of not seeing their son and dc.

Theunamedcat · 29/10/2021 20:49

Well they have clearly decided not to come so don't get upset or uninvite your dad and sister just say OK maybe next time

MindyStClaire · 29/10/2021 20:52

I wouldn't fancy a few days staying in a house with people I didn't know well. Too much pressure to make conversation which will surely wear thin, rotas for the bathroom, different schedules and traditions wrt Christmas etc - no matter how lovely the people are.

Don't take it personally, I'm sure it's nothing against your family.

HugeAckmansWife · 29/10/2021 20:54

You say you have plenty of room but do you have enough bathrooms for each family to be separate? Do your in-laws have any health, diet or other issues that they might feel self conscious about living in the same house as strangers? My dad has all of the above and virtually never stays in anyone else's house. He has stomach issues, T2 diabetes, falls asleep a lot. He'll stay in hotels with an ensuite but that's all. It could be that sort of thing.

LittleDandelionClock · 29/10/2021 20:54

@Monsterjam

I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with near strangers either. Perhaps they can try and get to know your family a bit more then in future years May feel more comfortable spending time together
This. ^ I wouldn't want to be spending Christmas with strangers either, and wouldn't want to get to know them. They are your DH's family, not yours. I don't know any couple, where the 2 families all know each other, and all mix together socially.

You sound like a massive social butterfly, but clearly your DH's family are not. Not everyone wants to mix with loads of people they don't know. I would be saying no too.

Lollypop701 · 29/10/2021 20:56

How do people get to know each other unless they spend time together??? I would respond with, this is how Christmas will be going forward so would love you to come and join our extended family and get to know each other’ if they choose not to, that’s ok but I wouldn’t pander (aka arrange an inconvenient visit to make up)

Tailendofsummer · 29/10/2021 20:56

OP most families alternate Christmas, what you're proposing is not the norm, have you considered why?
Nice of you to offer but absolutely fine for them to refuse without you taking offence

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 29/10/2021 20:57

I wouldn’t want to do this either.

My SIL organised Christmas for us and my/siblings parents and when we turned up her parents were there! They always make rude personal comments so we weren’t overjoyed. Also my OH felt a bit upset that his parents weren’t considere/included - and why would he want to spend Christmas with someone else’s inlaws?!? Appreciate this was a different situation though.

Would they come a different day in the Christmas holidays maybe?

LaurieFairyCake · 29/10/2021 20:59

I'd do it for you and my grandchild

But I'd fucking hate it 🤷‍♀️ - all that small talk, getting dressed every day, just bleurgh

I love Christmas in my pyjamas doing fuck all

But again, I'd do it for you and my only grandchild

LittleDandelionClock · 29/10/2021 21:00

@Lollypop701

How do people get to know each other unless they spend time together??? I would respond with, this is how Christmas will be going forward so would love you to come and join our extended family and get to know each other’ if they choose not to, that’s ok but I wouldn’t pander (aka arrange an inconvenient visit to make up)
Why do they need to get to know each other?
Stripyhoglets1 · 29/10/2021 21:00

I wouldn't be upset about it. My MIL finds my family too much en masse. There's alot more of us and we're much louder when all together! So we just do separate visits now.

Floralnomad · 29/10/2021 21:01

You’ve offered they’ve refused don’t take it personally . FWIW I wouldn’t want to spend my Christmas with people I don’t know either and my late mum would definitely not have wanted to spend Christmas with my in-laws .

Chocolatewheatos · 29/10/2021 21:08

YABU that's like me staying in a house with my sisters husbands dad. I wouldn't feel comfortable, I wouldn't expect him to feel comfortable.

I think you're forgetting that they are all your family, but they are not eachothers family. Not everyone is comfortable with shared spaces with people they don't know well.