Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws don't want to be around my family at Xmas - AIBU to be upset?

168 replies

Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 20:35

So we live about 3 hours away for our families and we have, for the first time, invited my inlaws, and my dad and sister down to be with us for Xmas. A few days, and we have plenty of space for people to stay.
My dad and sister immediately said yes, but my inlaws basically said they don't want to come at the same time as my dad and sister, the reason they gave was because they don't know them that well (me and husband have been together 10 years, married for 2)
I'm quite upset by this, that they won't even make an effort for Xmas. I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents, spend it together etc.
I get that people have different ideas for Xmas, but my husband is their only child, our son their only grandchild, they moaned about not seeing us last Christmas. And now they won't come!
AIBU to be upset?? Husband thinks I'm taking it too personally.

OP posts:
Mosky · 29/10/2021 22:08

Never mix in laws and outlaws.

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:08

@Changechangychange my dad is on his own, my mum passed away last year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:09

@Mosky noted! 😂

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 29/10/2021 22:10

Ah, the truth's out now, I suspected they were moaners! If I'm reading this correctly, they want to see you every Christmas, but they're not too bothered about you seeing your side of the family?

Now that would annoy me. And I wouldn't agree to it!

DuploSubmarine · 29/10/2021 22:10

@nanbread

Unless there's a back story, YANBU to be upset. In reality it might be a nightmare if they don't get on so maybe you've dodged a bullet.

All the posters saying they don't want to spend it with a stranger, if your partner or child knew someone who was going to spend Christmas alone but you didn't know them, would you not extend an invite to them?

Nobody is in danger of being on their own though... The in laws are going to be the loneliest arguably and that's that's choice.

I have a horrible relative who I would never have for Christmas UNLESS they were on their own. Won't happen, but if it ever did, I'd always host just for the day, to stop them being totally alone if they didn't want to be. Totally different to choosing to spend Christmas as a couple instead of with your son, dil, her parents and sister (who are all going to be together).

nanbread · 29/10/2021 22:12

It's not just the driving that's exhausting either

It's the packing and trying to make sure you have everything you need and have got all the presents etc.

The being away from home comforts.

The being always "on" in front of other people eg you may feel an expectation to be extra polite or make small talk.

The washing and then repacking to go to the next place.

Etc.

nanbread · 29/10/2021 22:12

Sorry wrong thread!

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:13

@nanbread yeh I get it, I suppose we just alternate in the future. Its our first xmas in our new house so wanted to be here but will have to figure something else out in future

OP posts:
Mixingvax · 29/10/2021 22:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at OP's request.

nanbread · 29/10/2021 22:15

@Changechangychange the relevance is that pp on this thread are saying they would never want to spend Christmas with strangers.

I'm wondering if that is in every context.

Having been taken in by complete strangers I'd never met on festive occasions I'm really grateful not everyone thinks like this.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2021 22:17

In some ways the fact that everyone has been clear about their preferences makes it easier to plan. You know that you can't just throw everyone in together so need to what works for you and everyone.

In future years you might not want to do everyone and just have it with your child

DuploSubmarine · 29/10/2021 22:18

[quote nanbread]@Changechangychange the relevance is that pp on this thread are saying they would never want to spend Christmas with strangers.

I'm wondering if that is in every context.

Having been taken in by complete strangers I'd never met on festive occasions I'm really grateful not everyone thinks like this.[/quote]
Not every context. But in this context, no, I would rather not.

Doesn't mean I hate anyone or don't care about my hypothetical grandchild, but no. No in laws. I've already done in laws, I'm not dealing with my children's in laws any more than the usual. No sharing a house for days over Christmas, unless we are genuinely friends.

TwoBlueFish · 29/10/2021 22:18

We used to have my MIL (my DH’s only family) and various members of my family. It was the only time the everyone mixed and could be awkward sometimes but everyone got along for the few days of Christmas.

Would it be possible for you in laws to stay in a nearby hotel so they have their own space?

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:18

@LaurieFairyCake yeh I think that's the kind of response I was expecting, not a flat no. Haha. We haven't put any pressure on them, just invited them and said OK when they said no.

OP posts:
Nutsabouttopic · 29/10/2021 22:19

The only advice I would give is to not get into "having" to go to parents house for Christmas. Make your son your priority. It is a lot of upheaval moving a child around and children love to be in their own home with their new toys. If you have any more children it gets tougher. Make your own family traditions. Invite the families but do not give into pressure if they refuse.

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:21

@TwoBlueFish that's not a bad idea actually, I might mention it to my husband and see what he thinks.

OP posts:
Snoken · 29/10/2021 22:22

I think it's a lovely idea, but I would probably decline the invite too. It's like asking, do you want to go on holiday with my dad and sister for a few days. Stay in the same house, share a bathroom etc. Can you maybe stagger it? In-laws come 23rd-26th, and your dad and sister comes 25-28th or something?

ImInStealthMode · 29/10/2021 22:24

[quote nanbread]@Changechangychange the relevance is that pp on this thread are saying they would never want to spend Christmas with strangers.

I'm wondering if that is in every context.

Having been taken in by complete strangers I'd never met on festive occasions I'm really grateful not everyone thinks like this.[/quote]
Seconded. I'd have had numerous Christmas' on my own if not for the kindness of people welcoming me in to their homes and families, and I'll always have an open door policy in respect of that.

OP I can completely see why you suggested it, especially being the first in your new home, and it sounds like they're just being difficult. It's not as comfortable as their own home, but not the end of days to suck it up for a night or two if they want to see their Son and Grandson.

Appuskidu · 29/10/2021 22:25

I just know they're going to moan about not seeing us Xmas day though

Let them. Say, ‘well you were invited and chose not to come. Maybe you’ll come when we invite you next year.’

Notaroadrunner · 29/10/2021 22:27

You've asked, they've declined. Don't tolerate any moaning from them about missing out on Christmas Day with your dc. Personally I wouldn't like to stay in my family's house if their in laws were also staying unless I knew them well and got on well with them. The fact your families don't know each other well enough is reason enough for them to decline. Maybe they could come for new year instead.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 29/10/2021 22:29

When I was growing up it was just us on Christmas day, we saw Grandparents from either side just before Christmas and just after Christmas.

I think there is something very lovely being just you on Christmas morning. I just couldn't have anyone staying over and being there on Christmas morning with us.

We do see all our families on Christmas day (live in the same town) and so the Grandparents get to see their grandchildren open the presents bought by them. Also as each set of presents is opened at each house (ours, maternal parent house, paternal parent house) the children could associate which gift from which people.

Ours is on one day due a family member working in an industry that is very busy at Christmas so they only get 2 days off hence why we cram it onto Christmas day. You could set up a tradition where you split the relatives staying and retain Christmas day for yourselves.

Silverdorkinghen · 29/10/2021 22:29

Crikey, it’s the norm to have both sides of family some years for most people I know. My Dad liked his own space and his own bathroom for medical reasons so my parents used to get a hotel or b&b in walking when he was still alive. My sibling likes to host so we used to all pile in there including my parents, her in laws & my in laws! Now our kids are older we tend to stay home as we’ve developed our own traditions and do the big family meet up at Easter instead.
Think long and hard about the precedents you set now as having your own kids gives an opportunity to reevaluate what you’ve always done before.

Nannyamc · 29/10/2021 22:30

When i was married first we always went to my husbands
Family as my mam and dad had passed on. When kids got to 3 and 5 we stayed at home. They always visited us and kids got to play with their own toys. My sil came too with her family. In the past few yrs my dil.has hosted them all.

problembottom · 29/10/2021 22:33

I wanted to do the same thing for the same reasons when we had DD - basically an open house every year, everyone welcome. DP wasn’t keen, I think because his family are quiet and can be harder work socially whereas mine are easy breezy, the more the merrier types. When we have got the families together his mum can clam up and generally behave a bit strangely.

So we alternate.

Changechangychange · 29/10/2021 22:35

[quote Familyofthreeandthecat]@Changechangychange my dad is on his own, my mum passed away last year.[/quote]
But I thought your side were coming? It’s your in-laws who aren’t coming? And they won’t be by themselves.

Swipe left for the next trending thread