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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws don't want to be around my family at Xmas - AIBU to be upset?

168 replies

Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 20:35

So we live about 3 hours away for our families and we have, for the first time, invited my inlaws, and my dad and sister down to be with us for Xmas. A few days, and we have plenty of space for people to stay.
My dad and sister immediately said yes, but my inlaws basically said they don't want to come at the same time as my dad and sister, the reason they gave was because they don't know them that well (me and husband have been together 10 years, married for 2)
I'm quite upset by this, that they won't even make an effort for Xmas. I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents, spend it together etc.
I get that people have different ideas for Xmas, but my husband is their only child, our son their only grandchild, they moaned about not seeing us last Christmas. And now they won't come!
AIBU to be upset?? Husband thinks I'm taking it too personally.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 29/10/2021 21:10

I don't know if anyone is being U.
I think Christmas is a time when a lot of people just want to be comfortable, enjoying familiarity and tradition.

These two sets of people may be very different and while it's probably possible to make pleasantries etc. for a few hours, staying together over Christmas is a bit much.

I know my parents get on ok with my IL but they have very different personalities/ interests / tastes and would not attend something like this all together, and I wouldn't ask. Some things are better done separately.

LittleDandelionClock · 29/10/2021 21:11

@Floralnomad

You’ve offered they’ve refused don’t take it personally . FWIW I wouldn’t want to spend my Christmas with people I don’t know either and my late mum would definitely not have wanted to spend Christmas with my in-laws .
Oh hell no. My DD's boyfriend's family seem OK. (Met them half a dozen times in passing in the past 8 years or so they've been together, though we have not met since January 2020.) However, I would never want to even go out for a meal with them let alone spend the Christmas holiday with them in the same house. Shock
Chocolatewheatos · 29/10/2021 21:11

@Chocolatewheatos

YABU that's like me staying in a house with my sisters husbands dad. I wouldn't feel comfortable, I wouldn't expect him to feel comfortable.

I think you're forgetting that they are all your family, but they are not eachothers family. Not everyone is comfortable with shared spaces with people they don't know well.

Just to add. It would actually ruin my christmas the set up you suggest. I've wasted a christmas making other people happy and I never will again, they have this strange intrinsic value, they're not to be spent with people you don't love.
Cameleongirl · 29/10/2021 21:13

It's difficulty, because your DH is their only child and so they're always going to want to see him at Christmas - but of course, you want to see your family too!

Is there any way some people (your side or your in-laws) could stay in an AirBnB or hotel close by? I don't like being squashed in a house with DH's parents and siblings for several days, so we usually arrange our own accommodation. It's nothing personal, it's just uncomfortable staying on camp beds in his parent's basement, sharing 1.5 bathrooms, etc. Much nicer to be in our own hotel room with an ensuite!

SpaceshiptoMars · 29/10/2021 21:14

The older people get, the more they care about their own mattress, a bathroom to themselves and food they are used to.

Barbie222 · 29/10/2021 21:22

Ooh no, I wouldn't have wanted to do that either and it would've been a hard no from me. Sorry OP.

storminateacupagain · 29/10/2021 21:37

Your inlaws could come down Christmas Eve and go home early boxing day. It is only 3 hours away- very doable. Then it is only 1 full day they will be with you DF and Dsis and most of that day woulwd be busy with presents etc.
Has that been suggested

Cameleongirl · 29/10/2021 21:38

I'd let your DH sort this out as they're his parents. It may be that they're secretly hoping that you'll come to them every year as he's their only child, but the reality is that now he's got his own family, your feelings and your DC (who may not be a good traveller) need to be considered as well.

As you've already invited your family to stay, perhaps you can go to his parents for a few days after Christmas if that's what they'd prefer.

godmum56 · 29/10/2021 21:48

yanbu cos feelings are feelings but their feelings are to be respected too...as is often said, an invitation is not a command....you invited them, they said no thanks.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 29/10/2021 21:50

DH and I have been together over 20 years. Both our sets of parents are lovely, lovely people. They have met each other twice in that length of time. We spend time with each set at a time, and alternate Christmas Day/Boxing Day with them.

I’d never ask both sets to stay with us at the same time. It’s not enjoyable to be sharing facilities with people you barely know. I think YABU not to understand this.

Winterlights1 · 29/10/2021 21:54

I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents

We all love our children, but this is all from what YOU want. Others might not find it so very exciting to watch your child open presents. Because it’s not.

MrsPsmalls · 29/10/2021 21:55

See I hate this sort of thing. It feels like you guys see yourselves as the main family and your peripheral people have to come as visitors in your life. Where as they all see themselves as the main family and want you to visit them together with the other people they love. Just because you're parents are close to you doesn't mean your in-laws have any sort of relationship with them.
And this - 'I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents, spend it together etc'. - it just isn't really reasonable to ask other people to fall in with what you want and then be miffed that they don't want to.

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 21:58

Thankyou everyone, it's good to get other peoples take on this. It's made me realise that although I would do it to be able to spend the time with the people I love, maybe its not to the norm, and they want to be comfortable and not make small talk.
I guess it just came accross wrong at the time.
Thanks for giving me perspective everyone!

OP posts:
nanbread · 29/10/2021 22:00

Unless there's a back story, YANBU to be upset. In reality it might be a nightmare if they don't get on so maybe you've dodged a bullet.

All the posters saying they don't want to spend it with a stranger, if your partner or child knew someone who was going to spend Christmas alone but you didn't know them, would you not extend an invite to them?

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2021 22:02

How big is your house? Do you have at least three guest rooms with en suites, to put up your parents, in-laws and sister?

I suppose if house I'd big enough with lots of different reception room etc it would be OK. But absolutely completely wouldn't want to rough it and sleep on air beds, share bathrooms etc.

Cameleongirl · 29/10/2021 22:02

@MrsPsmalls I read it the opposite way, that the OP and her DH were trying to ensure that everyone could have Christmas with their child/new grandchild. It may have been misguided, but I think there were good intentions, IYSWIM.

But, it's not going to work so one side will have to spend Christmas Day on their own without their child/grandchild, as they can't be split in two! That wouldn't bother me personally as I could see them another time.

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:02

@Winterlights1 @MrsPsmalls I mentioned that because they love our son and always want to spend time with him, I guess I thought it would be a nice idea and was a bit miffed when they then said no (they always jump at the chance to spend time with him)
Its my son that everyone wants to see, not us 😂

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2021 22:03

And a big enough house to not be woken at the same time that a one year old wakes

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:04

@Cameleongirl yes that is exactly where I was coming from! Was trying to make sure noone was left out

OP posts:
Winterlights1 · 29/10/2021 22:04

I’m thinking it’s up to everyone how they want to spend THEIR Christmas. Your set up sounds like a nightmare to me, not the way I would want to spend Christmas sharing facilities.

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:06

@Dishwashersaurous no we have an ensuite but then only 1 other bathroom, so I see why that wouldn't be appealing

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 29/10/2021 22:06

@nanbread

Unless there's a back story, YANBU to be upset. In reality it might be a nightmare if they don't get on so maybe you've dodged a bullet.

All the posters saying they don't want to spend it with a stranger, if your partner or child knew someone who was going to spend Christmas alone but you didn't know them, would you not extend an invite to them?

No? And anyway, OP isn’t going to be alone, and neither are her in laws (they just won’t be at her house), so I’m not really sure what the relevance is.
lisaandalan · 29/10/2021 22:06

I would never invite them again. Bloody rude people x

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:07

@Winterlights1 alright calm down 😂 was just trying to make sure noone was left out, they don't want to so we haven't forced anything, we just said OK and they are going to come at a different time. I just know they're going to moan about not seeing us Xmas day though 🙄

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2021 22:08

The good news is you have had this conversation early so you all know what is happening.

However, you might need to think about whether you alternate in future years otherwise it will all be your family. Which is fine if your husband is happy with it