Inlaws don't want to be around my family at Xmas - AIBU to be upset?

[Familyofthreeandthecat]

So we live about 3 hours away for our families and we have, for the first time, invited my inlaws, and my dad and sister down to be with us for Xmas. A few days, and we have plenty of space for people to stay.
My dad and sister immediately said yes, but my inlaws basically said they don't want to come at the same time as my dad and sister, the reason they gave was because they don't know them that well (me and husband have been together 10 years, married for 2)
I'm quite upset by this, that they won't even make an effort for Xmas. I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents, spend it together etc.
I get that people have different ideas for Xmas, but my husband is their only child, our son their only grandchild, they moaned about not seeing us last Christmas. And now they won't come!
AIBU to be upset?? Husband thinks I'm taking it too personally.

Would your in-laws stay in an Airbnb or hotel? I can't blame them for saying no. Crammed in a house with strangers, and having to share a bathroom with them, would be my idea of Hell.

Well, they’re in laws to one another. We have fil over every year for Christmas, my db and dm come too. They get on fine. Ordinarily, they wouldn’t see each other, but if a birthday, Christmas or special event occurs, they’re there, as well as mil and get dh.
When my df passed away, both my mil and her dh and fil came to pay their respects at my dfs funeral. Actually, my df used to bumped into my fil quite often, out and about, so would catch up with each other. Very civilised.

We did this, both DP at ours alternate years and PIL came to my family Christmas other years.
We live 9 hours away.
My DM was widowed young so would have been on her own and PIL also would have been alone.
Alternate years we went to home city for my siblings and their families to get together and PIL joined us.
My DM and FiL are now planning their 90th birthdays together next year.
Only issue was shared bathroom. DM used our ensuite and PIL had main bathroom.

I think YABU to be upset about this. One day would be doable with people you don’t know well, but several days could be too much. Some people do tend to get easily tired of company. I know my son’s in-laws well enough to do this but if I didn’t know them well I wouldn’t want to.

Provided your dad and sister are relatively normal I would love this set up. Everyone sees their grandchild, you get to host and therefore have the majority control over traditions etc and your parents don’t have to cook..?

Alternating Christmas is a pain when you have little kids.

I'd stick to your guns.

We started off alternating Christmas but it is a nightmare trying to hide Christmas presents in a car with two inquisitive DC!

DH finally cracked and said that was enough dragging DC around. We would be having Christmas at home and everyone was welcome.

So for the past dozen years my in-laws have come to stay for a week or two. Fortunately my DP live around the corner but otherwise they would have stayed in an Airbnb as they like a bit of privacy. They come and go as they wish.

My DP and in-laws are very different people but we all manage to have a good time!

I think yabu. I'd hate to spend Christmas with people I barely know. I adore my inlaws but even there I can't properly relax, if say dh's aunties and uncles were there (who I know relatively well) I'd bloody hate it

Argh. We have a similar problem.

Our families live in two opposite directions and so we usually spend Christmas driving up and down the country. Like PPs have said it is disruptive for our DC who just want to open their presents and play - not open presents, pack them away and sit in the car for two hours.

Last year was a revelation - we just stayed at home and the DC loved it. We have a bigger house now and so can accommodate my parents and my MIL (she is a widow).

However, my MIL point blank refuses to come if my parents are here. Quite frankly I am insulted.

My parents are not strangers to her. Whenever MIL visits they come over to see her especially- they exchange messages etc.

MIL just has the oink that we are not toeing the line. To her, Christmas is a certain way and that is it. She doesn't care that it is a three hour car journey for us (she doesn't drive).
If we put our foot down (my parents have already agreed to come - they usually go to my sister's house) then MIL will spend the day alone. My SIL has her own family traditions which is just seeing her own small family and only seeing us/ MIL on Boxing Day - every year we have to drive up to MiL at some point, she might get the train to ours but this year it doesn't work for various reasons.

So, basically, MIL has said she won't come for Christmas Day but expects DH to drive up to collect her on Boxing Day (5hr + round trip).

I have said if that's the case she can wait until the 27th.

I spend virtually every Christmas with her. I never see my parents, I usually try to see my family on Christmas Eve or in the days between Christmas and new year. This is the first year in our new house that we can entertain, our old house was too small.

The only reason I can see why she won't come is that we will have to give the guest room with en suite to my parents and she will have to have the single spare room and use the family bathroom. For one day. Surely you would get over yourself and suck it up for one day?

Oh and to add - if she sees my SIL on Boxing Day (they live about 20 mins apart) she has to spend the day with the in laws there but she refuses to stay over so my SIL and BIL spend the day trying to deliver her home as quickly as possible so that they can settle down in front of the fire with a glass of wine.

She seems completely oblivious to the problems she causes for people.

I just know they're going to moan about not seeing us Xmas day though 🙄

I would definitely give them short shrift for this. Just say ‘Well, we did invite you, you chose not to come’.

Lots of people don’t want to spend Xmas staying in a house full of strangers, I wouldn’t take it personally.

Maybe they’re a bit upset you invited your family first and they were an afterthought?

Imagine they want to spend time with their son, you and their grandchild without your relatives present, can you invite them for new year instead?

@FortyFiver i think you’re all too nice to pander to her.

She’s invited, that’s all she should expect.

@FateHasRedesignedMost

Lots of people don’t want to spend Xmas staying in a house full of strangers, I wouldn’t take it personally.

Maybe they’re a bit upset you invited your family first and they were an afterthought?

Imagine they want to spend time with their son, you and their grandchild without your relatives present, can you invite them for new year instead?

They’re not an afterthought! Op’s dad is widowed, of course she’s going to invite him too!

I wouldn't take it personally at all, some people are more the merrier types and some people are more private. Christmas traditions are so personal, I'm from a lazing around in your pjs family so a more formal rigid day would feel a bit strange. Your in-laws might feel like they would be intruding on your Christmas with your side of the family and it won't be fun if people are uncomfortable.

I'd much rather have someone turn down this kind of invitation than show up sit in an awkward silence and then spend most of the days hiding in their bedroom or fake a reason to leave early. If they're not up for being sociable with people they don't know well over a couple of days that's fair enough.

@RitaFires yes but they’re going to moan about it. So they’re not being fair enough.

The only reason I can see why she won't come is that we will have to give the guest room with en suite to my parents and she will have to have the single spare room and use the family bathroom. For one day. Surely you would get over yourself and suck it up for one day?

This would upset some people, yes. From her point of view your parents get the lovely guestroom with private en-suite, while she has to share a bathroom with the family and sleep in a single bed. I guess it’s awkward if she needs the loo in the night etc.

We have a similar set up: en-suite guestroom specially set up for guests with a double bed, lamps, sofa, nice private bathroom. So it naturally goes to couples. We also have a tiny box room with a fold-out single bed, it isn’t a proper guestroom more a storage space, doesn’t have proper curtains etc (just a blind). No wardrobe or drawers to store luggage as there’s no space with the bed unfolded. It works if say my brother visits with my parents; he’s happy to bunk in the box room and share the family bathroom with DC. But I wouldn’t expect an adult to sleep in there, especially an older adult. I can’t imagine giving my parents the lovely guest en-suite and putting MIL in the box room, I’d invite them at different times or book my parents a hotel.

But MIL is there every year, Fate. OP wants her parents for once.

[quote mountbattenbergcake]@RitaFires yes but they’re going to moan about it. So they’re not being fair enough.[/quote]
But she can say they were invited and very welcome to join on Christmas Day if and when they do moan. Having turned down OP's offer it's up to them to come up with a solution that works for them.

You offered, they turned you down. They can sort their own Xmas out. Not your problem..enjoy your son's first Xmas he can do something in x

Agreed Rita

Ever noticed how Christmas brings out the worst in some families?& I'm sorry for writing this but what is the obsession for the visiting of one & all,it's just a day on the calander,

We produced the first grandchild for both sides of the family and both my parents and the ILs were keen to be there for Christmas. Fortunately neither objected to staying at the same time, and like @Longdistance we had both sides to stay. As @whiteroseredrose said, we didn't want to be spending Christmas driving around - neither set of parents is local to us - once we had DC. We made it work. My ILs came to my mum's funeral too.

@FortyFiver I know someone who is in your position where the MIL insists on them going to her and it's hard on the kids. Put them first - you've offered and MIL is cutting off her nose to spite her face. Both my parents have died now and I'm glad we had the Christmases together that we did.

I get where you are coming from OP, and we’ve had joint family Christmases with my family, my in-laws and then even my sisters in-laws after she got married! But we started this long before DC came along so everyone knows each other. I like having everyone together so we don’t have to decide to see one side or other or alternate. No one would be alone otherwise but in small groups of 2 or 3, so it works.

I'm bemused by the obsession with bathrooms in this thread! There are no ensuites in my or any of my family's houses, let alone in a guest room! Same with friends I've stayed with. We don't go into a decline at the thought of staying with each other and sharing a family bathroom. What's so traumatic about having to cross the landing to use the bathroom?!