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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws don't want to be around my family at Xmas - AIBU to be upset?

168 replies

Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 20:35

So we live about 3 hours away for our families and we have, for the first time, invited my inlaws, and my dad and sister down to be with us for Xmas. A few days, and we have plenty of space for people to stay.
My dad and sister immediately said yes, but my inlaws basically said they don't want to come at the same time as my dad and sister, the reason they gave was because they don't know them that well (me and husband have been together 10 years, married for 2)
I'm quite upset by this, that they won't even make an effort for Xmas. I have a 1 year old so we wanted family around to see him open presents, spend it together etc.
I get that people have different ideas for Xmas, but my husband is their only child, our son their only grandchild, they moaned about not seeing us last Christmas. And now they won't come!
AIBU to be upset?? Husband thinks I'm taking it too personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:37

@Changechangychange yes that's right, so IF the inlaws had said yes first, my dad still has to come because he would be on his own unless sister was to be with him, but like I said, everyone wants a piece of my son 😂

OP posts:
Pawprintpaper · 29/10/2021 22:40

I’m having images either or the Royle family Christmas special (at denises with the massive frozen turkey) or Gavin and Stacey….

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2021 22:41

Do you have a massive house?

Changechangychange · 29/10/2021 22:42

@nanbread we’ll have to agree to disagree then, I’ve spent several Christmases by myself (alone overseas, working nights while DH travelled to his family, working nights several hours drive from home, etc). I have turned down invitations from random colleagues because I really really don’t want to spend Christmas with strangers, even when I’m on my own (on nights I just slept, on the other occasions I had a lovely country walk with literally nobody about, followed by nice food, wine and some comfort tv. Had a great time both times).

Original poster
Familyofthreeandthecat · 29/10/2021 22:46

@Dishwashersaurous not massive, but big enough for everyone to have their own room. It's 4 bedrooms and our son still sleeps in with us so 3 spare rooms atm

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 29/10/2021 22:47

I hate to spend Christmas with virtual strangers, but I have more than once. Sometimes you have to consider what will please other people.

If your in-laws make any passive-aggressive comments about missing their DGC's first Christmas, trill in your most upbeat chirpy voice "Well you were invited..." Don't let them try to guilt trip you. They can make their own choices, but they don't get to whinge about it!

BurntO · 29/10/2021 22:48

I wouldn’t want to spend Xmas with family I am very unfamiliar with. They can make their choice

HugeAckmansWife · 29/10/2021 23:04

'sometimes you have o consider what will please other people'. I think when I'm old enough to be a grandparent I sure as hell am not going to spend my Christmas doing anything other than what I 100% want to do. The baby is 1. It has no clue what Christmas is, what presents are, or whether it's the right day. Leave your in-laws alone to do what they want and take your DS to see them at some point nearish Christmas for him to 'open' presents with them.

Benjispruce4 · 29/10/2021 23:11

Move on. You asked, they declined. Have fun with your family.

Tailendofsummer · 29/10/2021 23:27

You've enough bedrooms, but probably not enough bathrooms? For privacy really

Cherrysoup · 29/10/2021 23:30

You’ve asked, they said no, you’ve done the right thing and they don’t want to so leave it up to them to arrange the next visit. I think they’re being a bit odd, tbh.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2021 23:33

Agree about the private bathroom. The older you get the more important it is

EmeraldShamrock · 29/10/2021 23:36

I wouldn't take it personally.
I'd understand and invite them an alternative day.

DriftingBlue · 29/10/2021 23:45

I’m happy to have Christmas dinner with both sides of the family, but I would not pile into the house overnight and share a bathroom with them. I need some space and some privacy. It’s too many disparate people for an extended stay.

DriftingBlue · 29/10/2021 23:47

I should add, if you invited me, I would be checking to see if there were hotels available nearby. If I could do the visit with some comfort, I might still come.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/10/2021 23:50

If they moan ignore them.
Your Ddad needs the company more this year, it was their choice to refuse, under the circumstances with your DM dying they could have made an effort.
I'm sorry about your DM. Flowers
Don't mention their refusal to your Ddad, keep it peaceful.

hopeishere · 30/10/2021 00:00

My sister won't come to mine on Christmas Day. She lives 20 minutes away. She says her kids don't want to go anywhere else on Christmas Day (they are 14 / 19 / 18). So annoying. We nearly always go to hers for an hour in the morning but they refuse to even come here fo that long.

Just have your dad and sister.

Cameleongirl · 30/10/2021 00:05

@DriftingBlue

I should add, if you invited me, I would be checking to see if there were hotels available nearby. If I could do the visit with some comfort, I might still come.
Same, @DriftingBlue. If I wanted to see my child/grandchild on Christmas Day, I’d make it work, I. e. Pay for my own accommodation.
MoreThanAnOffDay · 30/10/2021 00:05

Their loss. Enjoy your Xmas with your family

KarmaStar · 30/10/2021 00:06

Yanbu at all.
They could make the effort and maybe they will think this through and reconsider or just come for Christmas day and leave boxing day?
Try not to worry about it and have a great time with your family.🌈

Hont1986 · 30/10/2021 00:09

I would really hate to attend the kind of Christmas you are proposing. That awkward shuffle in the morning of everyone trying to use the bathroom without crossing in the hallway, having to get showered and dressed before coming down for breakfast, the absolute inability to have any room to yourself without seeming rude... Bleh.

safclass · 30/10/2021 00:13

How would you and your families normally do Christmas? Would you normally see his family or your family? Turn take?
A friend had a f-i-l who would not leave his house at Christmas, everyone had to visit their house, that was the tradition (regardless of anyone's circumstances).
Maybe they are the same, maybe they were expecting to have you, son and grandson to theirs or maybe they don't see it enjoyable all being in the house together.
You offered they said no. I agree with pp that I'd accept that, don't take offence BUT do not pussy foot around them, be emotionally blackmailed into arranging another visit unless it works for you and your family!

billy1966 · 30/10/2021 03:18

@Mum2jenny

Ignore them, concentrate on those who want to visit. You offered, they declined. Their choice!
This. Be glad.

You did your bit.
Its now done.

Ebjoy Christmas and don't feel obliged again.

starrynight21 · 30/10/2021 03:58

I'm in the same situation as your inlaws and I wouldn't want to spend several days over Christmas with the other inlaws. They are OK people, but I wouldn't want to spend several days , 24 hours a day with them.

I don't see why these two families should have to "get to know one another" at all - they just have that one point of contact, ie they are joint grandparents to your DS, but they don't have to be close to each other, sleeping under the same roof, sharing bathrooms etc. I can't imagine anything worse.

I think you have an idealised picture of "everyone enjoying Christmas together" but they don't feel that way. Accept it and move on - see them some other time.

TheChiefJo · 30/10/2021 04:47

@Theunamedcat

Well they have clearly decided not to come so don't get upset or uninvite your dad and sister just say OK maybe next time
You offered. They said no. Enjoy your Christmas with your DDad & DSis.