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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

301 replies

Time4change2018 · 29/10/2021 13:01

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast.
Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well.
I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc
Help me feel more generous of spirit
DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 29/10/2021 13:09

I think it's time to let go of the existing traditions that are generally in your favour and start building new ones. It won't be long before they'll want to spend the day with gf/bf's families rather than their own and it does sound as though this year it's dad's turn tbh. Make sure your day is well planned - it sounds as though they'll be with you first thing for presents etc? - and then wave them off with a happy smile and get ready for lunch with your family.

girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 13:10

They're adults so ultimately it's up to them. My siblings and I all discuss with each other what the others are doing so nobody's lonely at Christmas.

You could still have your traditional Boxing Day if they're up to it?

Sirzy · 29/10/2021 13:12

They are adults. You need to make new traditions and realise things have changed

EnrouteNOTonroute · 29/10/2021 13:14

I think this is one of the fallouts from splitting and there’s not much you can do about it. It’s up to the DC really. You want it your way, your ex dp wants it his way. He did ask first.
There’ll be years when your DCs will want to go to their partners for Xmas.
Why don’t you do Boxing Day instead?

Chamomileteaplease · 29/10/2021 13:15

Yes they are at an interesting age - who knows where they will be spending their Christmases soon? I can't bear to think about my own in the next few years!

Could you suggest alternate houses for Christmas, until they start to have other plans? It's sad but fair. Though only if the kids actually want to go to their Dad's.

rookiemere · 29/10/2021 13:16

YABU - you've had every Christmas up to now and your DCs are adults so get to make their own choice. I'd encourage them to go with as big a smile as you can muster, but make sure you get other time around the festive period with them.

titchy · 29/10/2021 13:16

Given the ages of your dcs you'd have had to make new traditions anyway - they could well decide to spend Christmas with their bf/gf family at this age. At least you have a big extended family to spend it with.

Pandaly · 29/10/2021 13:18

Their adults so the choice is theirs

itsgettingwierd · 29/10/2021 13:20

It's hard but I'd tell them if they want to do to their dads then do so and if they aren't with partners next year it would be nice to come to you.

Set up an expectation if no other plans they alternate. I don't mean expectation as in your expect them to but rather that it's usually done fairly (can't think of the word I mean!)

In the future when they have partners or even children they may be doing it every 3/4/5th year.

Alternating your and exDH, their partners families (which could be another 2!) and even maybe they're own at home.

ErickBroch · 29/10/2021 13:20

OP, it's hard. You need to make new plans and traditions, however. He is still their dad. Do you live close enough that you can share the day?

BananaPB · 29/10/2021 13:20

I'm approaching that life stage too. Ultimately I would give my blessing to what they choose because I wouldn't want them to feel guilty. I would hope that next year they would want to spend it with me but as you said sometimes life happens so you can't count on it.

ThanksThanksThanks

phoenixrosehere · 29/10/2021 13:21

Yabu.

They are more than old enough to decide what they want to do. You wanting your way comes off a bit juvenile when you have seemingly had your way for years. You can still likely spend time with them a different day during the Christmas season.

Aderyn21 · 29/10/2021 13:22

I can't decide. If he'd left you for another woman and this was your first Christmas, I'd think yanbu. OTOH, if split was your choosing or was amicable and mutual then it seems fair to take it in turns until the kids are old enough to make their own plans with partners.
You are getting Christmas morning and presumably Boxing Day?

SlugRose · 29/10/2021 13:22

Let them go, they'll come back xxx

SoniaFouler · 29/10/2021 13:25

Alternate christmases from now on. Don’t do it on a first come first served basis in future, it will cause arguments and heartache.

SlugRose · 29/10/2021 13:26

@SoniaFouler

Alternate christmases from now on. Don’t do it on a first come first served basis in future, it will cause arguments and heartache.
If this is what the children want. They might have different ideas and want to spend Christmas with their partners familys etc.
Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 13:27

I’d feel sad too op. So sad
But

* our 2 adult DC *

The key there is adult. The fact that he asked first, they could have said “oh I will just ask mum what her plans are before making plans”, but they didn’t. So this year perhaps their preference is your ex.
And all being well, next year… you

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 13:27

@SoniaFouler

Alternate christmases from now on. Don’t do it on a first come first served basis in future, it will cause arguments and heartache.
Fine when children

These are adults
They can spend Christmas wherever they fancy

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 13:28

Slap on a smile though op
And say you hope they have a lovely Christmas

Don’t taint them it for them but making them feel guilty

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 29/10/2021 13:29

Have them over for a Christmas lunch/dinner on the 24th.

toomuchlaundry · 29/10/2021 13:29

Have you always had Christmas lunch with your extended family?

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 29/10/2021 13:29

YANBU to feel as you do, but the way to handle it in the way that means they'll want to see you at Christmas in the future is to tell them they will always be welcome to you at Christmas but you are totally happy for them to go wherever they choose and that you'll be fine either way. Tell them that if they choose to be at their dad's or with their partner's families that you'd like to see them to celebrate Christmas on another mutually convenient day.

Don't try and set up an expectation for alternate Christmases with adult children, that will just result in them feeling guilty if they want to do something different. Set up the expectation that they are ALWAYS welcome at yours, but that it's no big deal to celebrate on another day if they have other plans.

This is much more likely to result in them choosing to be with you rather than any sense of obligation or guilt.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2021 13:30

Of course it’s reasonable. If I’m reading this correctly, their dad has been kind to you letting you have it your way up til now.

CocktailOnion · 29/10/2021 13:30

I agree with your ex, this is the perfect time to ring the changes.

Outbutnotoutout · 29/10/2021 13:30

I have three grown up children, my new partner has three grown up people.

We went for Christmas day on our own and open house on Boxing day.