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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

301 replies

Time4change2018 · 29/10/2021 13:01

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast.
Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well.
I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc
Help me feel more generous of spirit
DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

OP posts:
LittleDandelionClock · 29/10/2021 13:56

SoniaFouler

Alternate christmases from now on. Don’t do it on a first come first served basis in future, it will cause arguments and heartache.

@Bogofftosomewherehot

NOT this. They're adults and can make their own choice without feeling obliged to fit in with what parents dictate. they'll be wanting time with their partners and their families too. Time to let go of the kids.

Agree with this. Adult children should not be made to feel they MUST spend Christmas with any parents!

LittleDandelionClock · 29/10/2021 13:56

@Sirzy

They are adults. You need to make new traditions and realise things have changed
This. Sorry @Time4change2018 and you have every right to feel blue about this, and it is sad when things change, but as kids become adults, they will form new traditions. I found that, and it made me feel a bit down for the first couple of Christmases, when DD decided to spend Christmas day AND Boxing day with her boyfriend - and not me and DH.

But you get used to it.

We see extended family around 18th-20th December and swap presents, and then see DD and her boyfriend now, on 22nd/23rd December, and have a pub lunch with them. Then Christmas Eve, Christmas day, and Boxing day it's just me and DH. We have got used to it now, and enjoy the 'alone time.'

Also, you will (possibly) have new Christmas memories in the future when grandkids visit. Smile

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

It's hard when your children grow up and are no longer there for these key events but it has to happen, been there already and yes I do miss my daughter when she isn't with me at Christmas but I'm also incredibly proud of the independent young lady she has turned into. It's a reason to celebrate, as well as shed a few tears.

Beautifully put! ^ Smile

@penguinwithasuitcase

Nothing more horrible than dreading Christmas because you have to decide where to go and you know the other parent will be upset.

100% this ... ^ That's why I never EVER let my DD know that I was a bit upset that she didn't want to see us Christmas day, the first time she did it. As I said, I don't mind now, and neither does DH. it was just a bit of a shock to the system when we didn't see her on Christmas day (for the first time.) We had been with her on Christmas day for 24 years! As many posters have said though, you have to let go eventually................

TatianaBis · 29/10/2021 14:01

You can see them Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, and next year see them on Christmas Day.

Lasair · 29/10/2021 14:01

You are overwhelming unreasonable. Also is ex only inviting them for part of the day? So they would still be with you for a lot of it. How are you going to handle it when they stop coming to you on Xmas day all together?

diddl · 29/10/2021 14:02

Imagine if they get a bf or gf also with separated parents...

DriftingBlue · 29/10/2021 14:05

It’s time to start rethinking Christmas. You have to share with your XH and soon you will have to share with your children’s partner’s and just your children wanting to have their own households.

notacooldad · 29/10/2021 14:05

Let them go, they'll come back xxx
I absolutely agree with this.
I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc
Its already happening. Its sounds like you've had them to yourself for the last few Christmases anyway.

Kite22 · 29/10/2021 14:06

I agree with everyone else.
Please encourage them to go and see them off with a smile on your face. Don't guilt trip your dc into feeling they somehow 'ought' to be with you. You have been luckier than him in having them up until now - now many divorced parents have had Christmas with their dc every year until they are adults.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/10/2021 14:07

I hate the pressure of Xmas on adult children.

I have a family member who puts in their request in September thinking that if they put their 'order' in first and insist on an answer they'll get what they want. They then perpetually chase every week from Sept onwards.

A few years ago I announced that DH, kids and I would be going to a hotel for Xmas lunch and said 2 older relatives were welcome to join us. All good, then on the day the older relative announced that they have a full buffet ready at theirs for the evening. When I said that wasn't in the plans they had a full hissy fit and refused to come to the hotel.... I had to placate, apologise (without reason) just to get them to come (I did this for my kids and as I'd paid for the hotel lunch).

Asleanna · 29/10/2021 14:07

He may have just said to them 'hey, have you thought about your plans for Christmas this year? You know you're welcome to come to us if you want'
And then maybe they are thinking it may be nice since they've recently spent every Christmas with you.

MollyGaves · 29/10/2021 14:10

Hard. I think. you should ask your DC what they would like to do. As DC get older, have their own homes etc etc it will all change. I try and have a get together meal with decorations and crackers a week or two before Christmas if dc plans are not to be in my home.

Goawaymorningsickeness · 29/10/2021 14:12

It sounds like you’ve had them every Christmas so it’s completely reasonable that he would want them to come to him and his girlfriend.
Be the bigger person and send them with your blessing. Don’t guilt them into spending Christmas Day with you. That will make them dread Christmas every year because of the sensitivities of a split family. Go and visit your other family members and let them spend Christmas with their dad.

JudgeRindersMinder · 29/10/2021 14:16

You’re coming across as being very spoiled. Maybe your kids would have wanted to have the day with their dad anyway?

My dd’s partner’s parents have 2 separate households with the result they’re with us 1 year in 3 rather than the alternate years if his parents were still together. Does it cheese me off? If I’m honest it does a little…Would I ever breathe a word to anyone? HELL NO

They’re adults. It’s their day too, not just yours

ladycarlotta · 29/10/2021 14:16

speaking from the position of the child in this situation, you need to let the changes happen. Ever since my parents separated in my teens I've felt intense pressure, responsibility and guilt about splitting myself between the two of them during festive season and family events, and this is particularly because my mother never helped normalise it. Please don't put the burden on yours. You need to suck this up, I'm afraid: it's unfair for everyone if the kid/ults never get Christmas with their dad, and the new traditions you all come up with will be just as nice as what you had before.

Plus, just a heads up that this will only get more complicated when the kids have partners and in-laws who will want a turn at Christmas too. Not to mention when there are grandkids. If you can start finding a way to be equanimous about this now, it will make every future Christmas much easier for everyone.

TurnUpTurnip · 29/10/2021 14:17

Adults so non issue

MolkosTeenageAngst · 29/10/2021 14:18

YANBU to want a ‘normal’ Christmas but unfortunately you have to accept that since you have split up from their father there will have to be some compromise. Appreciate that they might not feel like a Christmas with your family is the same ‘normal’ that it was when their father was part of the party anyway and that what is normal for you might already feel different to them. They are getting older and so at some point you have to accept the traditions will need to change to accommodate their new adult lives.

Ideally the DC should feel free to do what they want to do with the blessing of both of their parents. I think all you can do is tell them that of course they are very welcome to join you for Christmas as usual but that equally you accept they are growing up and that new traditions are to be expected and that if they want to spend Christmas with their Dad this year then you will make sure to plan a special day with them for another date over the festive period.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 29/10/2021 14:23

Thinking back to my early 20s, I rarely spent Xmas with my parents anyway. I spent one year with flatmates, one overseas, and a couple with boyfriend and his family. Most people are becoming independent at that time and focusing on uni and careers, so they might not be that bothered about big family celebrations anyway. I wouldn’t pressure them or assume they’ll do every other year with you. You should start focusing on yourself.

saleorbouy · 29/10/2021 14:30

You have had every Christmas so far and you're begrudging of allow your ex one with his DC.
Time to bring in the change and adjust to Christmas with young adults who will soon have their own agenda.

Notaroadrunner · 29/10/2021 14:32

@TatianaBis

You can see them Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, and next year see them on Christmas Day.
They're not 5. They are adults who can decide for themselves what they want to do for Christmas, so it's not a case of parents deciding what days they'll see them.

@Time4change2018 let them make up their own minds and do not make an issue of it. You'll still see your family so it's not as if you'll be sitting on your own for the day. You've had your tradition longer than a lot of parents would with adult kids, so appreciate that instead of whinging about your ex asking them first.

BigYellowHat · 29/10/2021 14:33

Aww, I appreciate it’s going to be hard with it being new but he’s their dad and he deserves to spend time with them. Plus they’re adults too so they can do what they want anyway. I’m sure you’ll have a great Christmas.

shouldistop · 29/10/2021 14:34

I'd be upset too but you need to give your blessing to see their dad.

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2021 14:34

Having split up parents can be a bloody nightmare for adult kids. You always end up pissing someone off.

It sounds like your kids have always been with you. Give them the gift of not putting them in an awkward position of having to choose which parent to disappoint. See them another day.

Hankunamatata · 29/10/2021 14:35

You have had them every singe christmas? yabu for that alone. Nevermind they are adults who might want to spend time with their dad

1forAll74 · 29/10/2021 14:37

I don't see a problem with this. I know some people like to stick with old time traditions, but maybe your children would like a change now. You can maybe do another day all together in the Christmas period, so giving your offspring two special days.

Cas112 · 29/10/2021 14:41

Its his turn now. Stop overthinking it and try just enjoy the day. Its not like you wont get another one