Page 12 | EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

Time4change2018 · 2021-10-29T12:01:52+00:00

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast. Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well. I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc Help me feel more generous of spirit DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

Legoisawesome · 30/10/2021 22:38

Wow you are a bit hard work aren’t you!! I think I would opt to spend time with the other parent too tbh. Let them enjoy their time with him. Offer to have them Boxing Day and do fun things then instead.

QueenBee42 · 30/10/2021 23:17

Oftenithinkaboutit

In my situation my ex wouldn't let me have them on Xmas day. I had to go through a solicitor to get his agreement to every other. In the time that took he had them for 2 years in a row. Thus will my first Xmas with them since I left him.

Offmyfence · 30/10/2021 23:27

@QueenBee42

Oftenithinkaboutit

In my situation my ex wouldn't let me have them on Xmas day. I had to go through a solicitor to get his agreement to every other. In the time that took he had them for 2 years in a row. Thus will my first Xmas with them since I left him.

I'm genuinely not being goady, but who the fuck made him the boss! When you say he wouldn't let you, what did he do? How is it you wouldn't let him have them?

I'm assuming he was a manipulative bastard, in which case well done for taking him to court!

QueenBee42 · 31/10/2021 00:00

We had shared custody, up until that point I was the main care giver. We had set days and because xmas fell on his days, he said they would spend Xmas with him. I argued that birthdays and special days should be shared. I went through the solicitor to get him to agree in writing. His solicitor was very strong on putting the children first so I believe managed to persuade him to agree. We still haven't got an agreement on birthdays but after 1k spent and another 8k to get him to agree to sell the family home and give me my half of the equity. I am at stalemate. I have my daughters on their birthdays if they fall on my days but have offered him to share the day. On my youngest 5th birthday I dropped her at school on the Thursday, her birthday was on the Saturday but I didn't see her until the Monday. In my opinion the system isn't right and sadly parents do use their children as weapons against the other partner. I'm ever hopeful he will see sense one day

Offmyfence · 31/10/2021 00:08

@QueenBee42

We had shared custody, up until that point I was the main care giver. We had set days and because xmas fell on his days, he said they would spend Xmas with him. I argued that birthdays and special days should be shared. I went through the solicitor to get him to agree in writing. His solicitor was very strong on putting the children first so I believe managed to persuade him to agree. We still haven't got an agreement on birthdays but after 1k spent and another 8k to get him to agree to sell the family home and give me my half of the equity. I am at stalemate. I have my daughters on their birthdays if they fall on my days but have offered him to share the day. On my youngest 5th birthday I dropped her at school on the Thursday, her birthday was on the Saturday but I didn't see her until the Monday. In my opinion the system isn't right and sadly parents do use their children as weapons against the other partner. I'm ever hopeful he will see sense one day

I understand the bloody "it's my days", well done for going to court!

I hope the next 10 years of birthdays fall on your days!

Feeasco · 31/10/2021 01:42

I don't think you're being unreasonable feeling a sense of loss. This would have happened anyway even without divorce but I guess in this situation it's hard to feel you were not their preference. Hubby must have felt similar last year. Don't make them feel guilty as they have a dad too. Make new traditions on the days you don't have them. In the end time spent together is what counts.

NewbieSM · 31/10/2021 01:02

Op I understand it's hard to let go of long held traditions but your kids are adults, you are divorced so of course things will naturally evolve. I think you are focusing too much on the GFs influence and looking for someone to 'blame'. If the kids enjoy spending time with their Dad and his girlfriend and want to spend Christmas with them than I think you should support that. You said in your OP that you get the send that the kids are looking for you blessing to do this. This suggests to me that they already are aware that you don't like this new GF or them spending 'family' days with their Dad, this needs to stop. Being a parent means putting your DCs needs over your desires and supporting them even if it hurts your feelings. You are their Mum and they love you and there will many Christmases that you can all celebrate together in the future.

HappyDays40 · 31/10/2021 03:53

Asude from the fact that they are adults op their dad will want to see them too. Why should he not, neither if you are in the wrong.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 31/10/2021 05:09

@QueenBee42

We had shared custody, up until that point I was the main care giver. We had set days and because xmas fell on his days, he said they would spend Xmas with him. I argued that birthdays and special days should be shared. I went through the solicitor to get him to agree in writing. His solicitor was very strong on putting the children first so I believe managed to persuade him to agree. We still haven't got an agreement on birthdays but after 1k spent and another 8k to get him to agree to sell the family home and give me my half of the equity. I am at stalemate. I have my daughters on their birthdays if they fall on my days but have offered him to share the day. On my youngest 5th birthday I dropped her at school on the Thursday, her birthday was on the Saturday but I didn't see her until the Monday. In my opinion the system isn't right and sadly parents do use their children as weapons against the other partner. I'm ever hopeful he will see sense one day

I can understand reluctance not to “share” birthdays or you have morning a d he have afternoon, because makes plans for the day difficult.

Every other birthday surely better?

neededafart · 31/10/2021 05:54

Realistically they are adults. They could have chosen to spend it with their partners at this age. I think you need to find some new traditions

MasterchefMeansRiceKrispiesFor · 31/10/2021 06:38

Yep, I’m sorry though. It’s time to make new traditions. For what it’s worth my dad remarried so is never alone whereas mum is (equally there’s not a huge amount of family to go to for her) so after having had one dad Christmas I’m done with that. Mum had a horrendous day and she’ll not be on her own on my watch. We do end up with 3 Christmas meals spread out over Christmas week which can be a bit of a fandango.

hardboiledeggs · 31/10/2021 07:28

OP you sound so jealous. There’s not a valid reason why you would be angry about this. If you mention any of this to your kids, you run the risk of them cutting you off. Your EX and his GF have done nothing wrong.

londonrach · 31/10/2021 07:35

Yabu as they are adults and sounds like you had all the Xmas since

CookieBlue · 31/10/2021 08:20

Gosh, you sound very much like my own mum. I have now got to the point where I absolutely dread Christmas each year purely because of the awkwardness of who to spend it with. I now have my mum, my dad and my in-laws. It’s awful and it causes a lot of stress.

Please try and drop the bitterness too. My mum is consumed with bitterness over the split (which happened 15 years ago!!) and has turned into a very difficult person.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 31/10/2021 08:26

Oh FGS OP grow up. They are adults able to make their own decisions about who they see and where they go. You don't want them to go, that's fine but saying that they would stay if you asked them too smacks of manipulation and control. Seriously do you want to be THAT mother, or do you want your adult children to maintain some sort of respect for you? Carry on the way you're going and all you will have left to look forward to is a very lonely old age.

DappyApple · 31/10/2021 08:55

Having just read your other thread, you are being massively unfair.

It’s clear you resent your ex for no longer financially supporting you and moving on with his life. You admit that that you were happy to stay living together despite the marriage being dead. Your ex has been more than accommodating during your separation, but you have continually dragged your heels, it’s no wonder the divorce took so long.

In your other thread you refer to ex’s partner as the OW when in fact that relationship didn’t start until your marriage was dead and he’d moved out.They’ve been together over 3 years, so this is not a new relationship.

She is making an effort to have a good relationship with your dc, but
I suspect that if she had shown no interest in your dcs, you’d still be complaining that she wasn’t doing enough.

Your dcs are adults, you can’t control them anymore, if they choose to spend Christmas with their father that that is entirely their choice. But I don’t think this is about your dcs. This is about your ex.
You need to let go of all this jealousy and resentment, or you are just going to drive a wedge between you and your dcs, you are going to end up very bitter and lonely.

It’s seems ex and his partner are damned if they do and damned if they don’t.

For your own self preservation you need to let this go.

HourglassTigger · 31/10/2021 09:10

Oh this must be a kick. But it is unfortunately a kick into the reality of Christmas future. Embrace the 'Christmas is a moveable feast' philosophy. It is such a liberating recipe for minimal angst about who goes where when. Do as shiftworkers do and have your traditional Christmas your way on whichever day closest to Christmas everyone can get together. The 25th itself you can spend as selfishly as you please without obligation to keep everyone else happy.

chopc · 31/10/2021 14:25

This is why I actually hate Christmas! So much pressure to be together and not be alone etc

LoverOfAllThingsPurple · 01/11/2021 13:30