EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

[Time4change2018]

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast.
Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well.
I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc
Help me feel more generous of spirit
DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

It's not okay to be jealous over your ex's girlfriend though. Be happy she's accepted your children and is actually decent with them.
She won't replace you.

@Time4change2018

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in. DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !

She sounds really nice and interested in your adult children. What's wrong with her making food that they like? Bloody hell

You are sounding odd tbh. You’d rather your ex’s girlfriend doesn’t make your children feel welcome and at home in the house she shares with their father? She’s supposed to cook shit food for them so that you don’t feel threatened? You want her not to make an effort to get to know them and their likes and dislikes?

You’ve clearly got some issues with low self esteem and defensiveness and you need to try to let those go. You might be ‘good for the boring stuff’ (that’s your perception) but you’re still mum, and the only mum they have. Another woman isn’t going to take that spot. So try to relax a little and let your grown children be.

Can I ask what have you done to rebuild your life apart from your dc, what do you do for you? or have you thrown everything into your children?

@TrickOrTreat21x

It's not okay to be jealous over your ex's girlfriend though. Be happy she's accepted your children and is actually decent with them. She won't replace you.

If she carries on in this frame of mind, they may well move a great deal more closer to the ex and gf and away form the op

@Time4change2018

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in. DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !

Your job?

They're adults visiting, not young kids she is playing Mummy to by overstepping!

You’ve had them every Christmas since you split. Now they are adults and they get to choose. It is sad, but was inevitable.

@CushionMountain

Please don't guilt trip them into feeling that they've got to come to you. I was the young adult in this situation and it was horrible. My dad has remarried but my mum hasn't and has no other family so we feel obliged to have Mum with us but that means that i don't see my Dad. The only way we ever get to spend Christmas with the in-laws is when they vey kindly invite my Mum as well. It's a nightmare than is only getting worse now that my children have long term partners and need to split time with another family. At least you have other family to spend it with so you can afford to be considerate of your kids dilemma.

But even if your mum never ever made you feel guilty Surely you wouldn’t want her to be alone anyway?

@Time4change2018

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in. DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !

Instead of complaining about the new GF why not try taking a leaf out of her book in the interests of improving the relationship with your children as from what you have said she seems to have a good bond with them. It sounds like you are still treating them like children and they are respecting them as adults. I don't doubt it's hard to accept they have grown up but its crunch time now, hop on board with treating them as adults or they will distance themselves from you over time.

Oh no OP. I had sympathy at first. But you can't let this jealousy ruin your relationship with your DCs.
It's great they have an extra friend in their Dad's girlfriend. More people who love your DCs the merrier.

@diddl

How is the gf playing mummy

She cooked a Mexican
Enquired what foods they do and don’t like
Has made restaurant recommendations
And offered the experience of her DB who has been where they’ve been before

You need to chill. Your kids are adults, she's not trying to be "Mummy". She just wants to be welcoming to her partner's DC. And some people enjoy making homemade stuff like jam, salsa and bread sauce...amazing, I know such a waste of time !

You are always going to be their mum regardless of the food GF cooks or the drinks they have at hers.

She sounds like she treats them more as peers rather than dc which is understandable.

It does sound as though it is time for your Christmas tradition to change which is going to be sad for you.

Maybe you could have Christmas Eve drinks with your dc instead?

Talk to your kids about it. Maybe you could have them christmas eve or boxing day. Then establish a pattern you can stick to. Once they get partners and kids the visits to your ex may well drop off naturally as the vips will be the mums (assuming you get on with their partners). So I don’t think you need to say anything.

My own mum prefers having everyone round on boxing day which means she always, without fail, gets her full family christmas dinner as the partners all get to spend time with their own families and there’s no bitterness. It’s probably the only normal thing she does lol.

Ohhhhh you’re jealous I see.

@Time4change2018

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in. DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !

She sounds like a great person tbf. She's making an effort to get to know the adult children, and why shouldn't she cook for them? They aren't your property, other people can get to know them as well.

OK OP, this will be hard, but look, they have 2 parents who are separated, they now have partners of their own, who in the future might expect them to attend Christmas at their parents house (or houses if your DILs have divorced parents), and there might be some years they have that situation of having to work Christmas eve until late then work on 27th and really can't face leaving their own homes. Dont set them up to feel no matter what, they have to go to mums (or one of them does) or you could be setting up years of stress and arguments with their partners.

I would let them go with a big smile, how nice they get to spend Christmas with their dad. You can still go to your extended family on Christmas day, so they don't have to worry you'll be alone. As 27th and 28th are bank Holidays this year (as Christmas falls on a weekend), would they like to come to you then together and have a 2nd mini Christmas?

If they hate it, they will be back with you next year without any drama or stress needed. If they don't go to their dads in the future, no one can say that's your fault.

Sorry op but that last post does you no favours

[quote Oftenithinkaboutit]@diddl

How is the gf playing mummy

She cooked a Mexican
Enquired what foods they do and don’t like
Has made restaurant recommendations
And offered the experience of her DB who has been where they’ve been before[/quote]
She's not-that's my point!

Sounds like your ex has discovered new things he likes to enjoy with his new partner and they are building a different sort of life to the one you had with him.

Your kids are grown adults now so all this business about cooking them things being your job or having these ongoing traditions makes it sound a little like you’ve not let go of your former life with your ex and the children being children.

It’s hard but times change and people do too so it’s best to embrace it and let go a little. Can understand why it might feel odd that your exes partner is very different to you and the sort of life you’ve led but she does sound nice so try not to compare and get jealous and cagey - you’re not her and she is not you and the dynamic your ex has with his kids and his partner will be different to the one you shared together.

So try and stop holding onto the past and see what new things there are for you to experience both by yourself and with your adult children.

When you divorced him did you hope he’d stay single for the rest of his life? Or meet someone horrible who hated and resented your kids and at least couldn’t make dips?

You didn’t want him. Someone else did. She sounds brilliant and he sounds happy, relaxed and like he’s having fun. Good for them. People like spending time with happy fun people OP. Take a leaf of her book. She’s done nothing to hurt you and she’s clearly playing a blinder with your kids.

Doesn't sound like your marriage ended that many years ago.

However, I agree that now you're both in different houses, and the "family home" has gone, it's reasonable that they get the chance to spend Christmas dinner with their Dad. Sounds like they're going to be at yours over Christmas Eve, you'll have breakfast together, and then they'll go off to his.

Make it a great breakfast! And wave them on their way with a smile.

Hopefully they'll rejoin you at your family's for Boxing Day? I think that would be a reasonable compromise - sure they wouldn't want to miss out on seeing your family.

The GF does sound like she's trying very hard to attach them, and be a good person - so long as she's not trying to "take your place". But she can never be their mum, so you'll always have that. And they are adults now! So you must try to keep any resentment you feel in check, or they'll notice.

Just keep lines of communication open with them, and don't get huffy if they discuss stuff with their Dad (totally legit) and she gets involved too.

He sounds like a really lovely dad (and his GF sounds thoughtful) who, after you initiated the split, just happens to have moved on happily and amicably already.

He is asking the DC about Christmas now because it is end of October and to give you all including you plenty notice. I'd say he is very considerate. It's a refreshing change.

This will give you time to make new traditions of your own and that are no so dependent on the children.

It will feel odd at first but may in the end feel it is less painful as time goes on.

I think it's hard because as you said it is the first year but you are not the first nor the last in this boat.

Give yourself some little Christmas treats to look forward to. Remind yourself of the things you couldn't do at Christmas when you were married but always wanted to and now that you are single you can!

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

Can I ask what have you done to rebuild your life apart from your dc, what do you do for you? or have you thrown everything into your children?

Exactly this. You have free time now. Why don’t you travel or go to restaurants? Or meet new people? Or have dinner parties? I’ll be sad when my DC grow up, but a tiny part of me is planning the things I’ll do once I don’t have to just be mum.

You sound unspeakably bitter.

You really do want it all your own way, marriage over, but hey let's bimble along together because hey it suits me.

My children have two parents but I want them with me, but hey it suits me.

Don't make this the hill you are prepared to die on, because you will alienate your children permanently