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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

301 replies

Time4change2018 · 29/10/2021 13:01

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast.
Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well.
I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc
Help me feel more generous of spirit
DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 29/10/2021 13:31

Or have a do-over a few days after. The actual day really doesn’t matter much at all - there’s ample time to enjoy a special day together.

Redglitter · 29/10/2021 13:31

Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV

In light of this YABVU to expect to have Christmas with them every year. Your ex has as much right to spend Christmas with his children as you do & as you've always done it it's only fair he gets a turn

MichelleScarn · 29/10/2021 13:32

Yabvu
Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV.

So up to now you've had then for all of Christmas? Was that a joint decision between you/ex/kids?

SoniaFouler · 29/10/2021 13:32

@SlugRose
@Oftenithinkaboutit

True.

Pompom2367 · 29/10/2021 13:32

I feel like you need to understand they want to see you both so alternate Christmas is fair

girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 13:33

@Pompom2367

I feel like you need to understand they want to see you both so alternate Christmas is fair
They're adults so could have partners who need factoring in too. Or they might just not want to spend Xmas with parents in coming years.
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 29/10/2021 13:34

@Aderyn21

I can't decide. If he'd left you for another woman and this was your first Christmas, I'd think yanbu. OTOH, if split was your choosing or was amicable and mutual then it seems fair to take it in turns until the kids are old enough to make their own plans with partners. You are getting Christmas morning and presumably Boxing Day?
I read it as they split several years ago but until this year the op still lived with the children in the family home but now the youngest is an adult its been sold.

It's hard when your children grow up and are no longer there for these key events but it has to happen, been there already and yes I do miss my daughter when she isn't with me at christmas but I'm also incredibly proud of the independant young lady she has turned into. It's a reason to celebrate as well as shed a few tears.

Greenrubber · 29/10/2021 13:34

@Time4change2018

It's sucks but you don't have to focus on the one day!
Why don't you have your very own Xmas Dinner on the 24th or 26th

It's only 1 year

crimsonlake · 29/10/2021 13:35

Is it for Christmas dinner, or will they be away the whole day?
I feel for you and it is easy to say 'it is time to make new traditions', but if you are a single mum close to your children it is normal to want to cling on to such lovely traditions.
Only those who have been in your position or are facing it can understand how you feel and I am one of them.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 29/10/2021 13:36

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson

YANBU to feel as you do, but the way to handle it in the way that means they'll want to see you at Christmas in the future is to tell them they will always be welcome to you at Christmas but you are totally happy for them to go wherever they choose and that you'll be fine either way. Tell them that if they choose to be at their dad's or with their partner's families that you'd like to see them to celebrate Christmas on another mutually convenient day.

Don't try and set up an expectation for alternate Christmases with adult children, that will just result in them feeling guilty if they want to do something different. Set up the expectation that they are ALWAYS welcome at yours, but that it's no big deal to celebrate on another day if they have other plans.

This is much more likely to result in them choosing to be with you rather than any sense of obligation or guilt.

This.

You'll still get breakfast with them, and they still may want to do Boxing Day with you too.

anon12345678901 · 29/10/2021 13:37

@crimsonlake

Is it for Christmas dinner, or will they be away the whole day? I feel for you and it is easy to say 'it is time to make new traditions', but if you are a single mum close to your children it is normal to want to cling on to such lovely traditions. Only those who have been in your position or are facing it can understand how you feel and I am one of them.
I understand but OP is unreasonable. They are adult children and it is time for changes. Adults can choose for themselves and OP was lucky to have every Christmas before. It is fair for the dad to have a turn now.
Stompythedinosaur · 29/10/2021 13:37

As your dc move I to adulthood it is normal to see them less often at Christmas. They aren't being unreasonable to see their dad some years.

Cuntness · 29/10/2021 13:37

Unfair to hog every Christmas.

Floralnomad · 29/10/2021 13:40

They are adults and you need to get used to sharing their time at Christmas not only with your ex but also with their girlfriends / boyfriends and their families . Life changes and you need to adapt .

diddl · 29/10/2021 13:41

Well it seems that your kids have made their decision so be pleased for them!

It's not as if you'll be alone-be thankful for having had them for so many years!

Since you've split they've been with you both CD & BD or have I misunderstood?

Onatree · 29/10/2021 13:42

They are adults.

If parents have split - obviously It is unfair for 1 parent to occupy all Christmases and for that 1 parent to get their way.

You have split. This point forward work out the schedule for Christmases that is equal to you and him and acceptable for the adult children.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/10/2021 13:44

@SoniaFouler

Alternate christmases from now on. Don’t do it on a first come first served basis in future, it will cause arguments and heartache.
NOT this. They're adults and can make their own choice without feeling obliged to fit in with what parents dictate. they'll be wanting time with their partners and their families too. Time to let go of the kids.
Username817391920384747 · 29/10/2021 13:45

I understand your feelings OP, it is sad, but their dad is also perfectly entitled to ask his kids over for Christmas. Maybe you could arrange to take turns or let them be at yours for half the day and their dads for the rest of the day. Ultimately it is their choice as they are adults.

Blossomtoes · 29/10/2021 13:47

Time to cut the apron strings. You’re had a more than fair run.

penguinwithasuitcase · 29/10/2021 13:48

The absolute worst thing you can do right now is make an issue of it.

Nothing more horrible than dreading Christmas because you have to decide where to go and you know the other parent will be upset.

NoSquirrels · 29/10/2021 13:49

Help me feel more generous of spirit

Plan something wonderful and new. Embrace the new stage of life, instead of looking back…

GiltEdges · 29/10/2021 13:52

@rookiemere

YABU - you've had every Christmas up to now and your DCs are adults so get to make their own choice. I'd encourage them to go with as big a smile as you can muster, but make sure you get other time around the festive period with them.
This
LittleDandelionClock · 29/10/2021 13:54

@NoSquirrels

Help me feel more generous of spirit

Plan something wonderful and new. Embrace the new stage of life, instead of looking back…

This. ^
AryaStarkWolf · 29/10/2021 13:54

Yeah sorry OP I agree with your Ex, they're adults they can make their own minds up. There's no "getting in there first" he's their dad and you two are separated, he doesn't need to run anything passed you anymore

squishymamma · 29/10/2021 13:55

Are you my mother? Grin DM and DF split when I was tiny and I had to alternate Christmases between them, but when I was older DM started complaining every year I was due to spend it with DF.

Anyway my solution is that when we're in the UK for Christmas (I live abroad), we spend the 24th and morning of the 25th at DM's (she has enough room for me, DH and DC) and then go to DF after breakfast on the 25th for the rest of the day. We've made a nice tradition out of having a Christmas dinner with DM and the rest of that side of my family on the 24th and so it works for us.

As I said DM still complains every now and then, but as we're adults and this is my preference since we then see all family, I just tell her that she's getting equal time to DF and everyone sees us on Christmas Day. If anything it's actually a little unfair on DF since he never gets to see his DGC wake up on Christmas morning.

I think YABU to expect your DC to spend the entirety of Christmas with you if they have a good relationship with both you and their DF. If I felt that pressure and DM wasn't willing to budge I'd rather go the other way and see neither of them on the 25th, just spend it with DH and DC...but that's just me!