EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

[Time4change2018]

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast.
Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well.
I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc
Help me feel more generous of spirit
DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

The nicest thing my parents have done for me is not pulling me apart as an adult. Holidays are difficult and painful enough as a child with divorced parents, even now when I am almost 50 years old.

They never made me feel guilty about where I spent my time though. And that made me want to see them both more.

My suggestion is to create some new traditions, take turns and be generous with them and busy yourself when they are not with you. Find ways to be happy with them there and while they are out doing other things.

Mostly, everything I do around family is still out of obligation and an attempt to make sure everyone else is getting what they want/expect out of me. That's my nature but also an outcome of their divorce. So I especially appreciate the people in my family that are understanding about the decisions I make when I cannot be in two places at once.

Of course it’s reasonable. If I’m reading this correctly, their dad has been kind to you letting you have it your way up til now.

Either that or he couldn't be bothered for years and now wants to play happy families with his GF in new home.

Only OP knows.

Either that or he couldn't be bothered for years and now wants to play happy families with his GF in new home.

Why is him wanting to spend time with his kids “playing happy families”? Why does it need to be so cynical?

You're divorced now and your children are adults. Christmas will never be what it used to be.
Time to start enjoying Christmas differently this year.

I think you should embrace the change. You can’t expect to have your adult DC with you every Christmas. I don’t think it would be nice for your children if you make them feel guilty or hang on to the way things used to be. Also, I wouldn’t get hung up on the idea that he ‘asked them first’, almost as if it was an underhand thing. Realistically speaking, if they have a good relationship with him, they would want to see him at Christmas at some point.

@Time4change2018
One of my biggest regrets was us never spending Christmas with In Laws, but with My family
In Laws are both Passed now, and the sorrow still makes my throat ache.
Let your DC decide.
My son spent Christmas with his friends parents at 15
I was very hurt, but hid it.

It’s a very common problem with families, Sadly.

They can do as they want now they’re adults.

@Time4change2018
Be glad that your DC get on now with their Dad.
Children- even adult ones- still love their dads and deserve to have a happy relationship with them.
🙂

I read the entire OP and I’m pretty sure I understand it.

1. Your Ex hasn’t had the DC for Christmas once since you split, as you say “you” have them and then they go spend time with “your” family.
2. In absence of his own DC, you assume he is taken in by his GF’s family, and “does quite well.”

Unless this was an incredibly contentious breakup, I can’t believe you haven’t already asked the DCs if they’d be willing to alternate where they spend Christmas as it’s more fair for their father. The fact he waited until the DC are adults and could answer for themselves shows that things are… odd, IMO. Unless you feel he’s a deeply shite father, you’ve basically kept all the Christmases since you separated. It sucks.

The fact you’re STILL complaining now when you have a big family to go to AND can still wake up with your children Christmas morning anyway, is a bit ridiculous. I know change is hard, but it would happen soon as they get older anyway. You don’t want to eventually be the MIL guilt-tripping them to ALWAYS spend Christmas with you. Please show some generosity of spirit (unless there IS a back story and your ex is still a huge arsehole) and let him have Christmas for once.

Ok for context marriage ended years ago, I probably was the first to say so but was happy staying living together- he moved out though & found GF later that year. Divorce took some time - probably longer than it should but settlement sorted this summer.
He's a fair Dad and does try to keep contact with DC but I think they are struggling to adapt to telling each parent things in their lives where before they'd tell one & the other would find out.
I think his GF is the instigator in this, she's got a big extended family & has said before she finds it sad that DC aren't over more or as involved. They have offered a room for DC and beds but I don't think they are ready for that yet.
ExH never used to drink, was always a driver since we married - now they go out, have a bar in their house, hold dinner parties, have a different view on drinking with DC to me I suppose. He gets their favourite bottle in whereas I don't buy it in & they just have soft drinks / takeaways at mine mostly.
I suppose I'll just let things pan out and see what happens. I'm off for 3 weeks over Christmas so it'll feel like a long time if they are at his and off with their friends ,/ GF / BF houses.

It’s up to them and you have to accept it. He hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s not playing happy families, he’s inviting his kids over for Christmas.

I was talking to my 40 year old friend last week who’s seeing her MIL this year as last year they were stuck at home and she’s getting shit from both her parents (who’ve been divorced 25 years) because the usual turns state of affairs was upset by covid and she’s so upset she’s not planning to spend it with either of them again.

This stuff can rumble on for fucking decades leaving misery and resentment in its wake.

Don’t be like that.

The first year without my dc as adults was strange. Just me heading to extended family on Xmas for lunch. But I put on my best smile and got on with it. It's hard op but you will get used to it.

They went out to a music event the 3 of them a few weeks ago and mentioned Christmas then - just saying it's time with new houses, GF/BF, job for DC, Masters for other that things everyone finds a new way to see each other that is more mutual and less Dad asks to see them on set times & they in turn makes themselves available as fairly as they are for me and my family

Don't be so bloody selfish. Sounds like your ex has been short changed in terms of Christmas with his children in previous years. I hope they have a great day with their Dad and his girlfriend.

@PurpleDaisies

Either that or he couldn't be bothered for years and now wants to play happy families with his GF in new home.

Why is him wanting to spend time with his kids “playing happy families”? Why does it need to be so cynical?

Because this is MN and men are evil incarnate.

Ah op, I bet this does hurt even though you know logically that they're adults and that they have two parents who they might like to see at Christmas.

Invite them for Boxing Day or Christmas Eve and then enjoy Christmas Day with your other family

OP, please don't make a big deal of this. Kids of separated parents already have such a shit deal. And it doesn't stop when they grow up -- it just goes on and on, whether it's deciding where to spend Christmas without offending anyone, or whom to have at the top table at their wedding, or whether their mum will be upset if her first grandchild has her ex-husband's name as a middle name... It never ends.

If he hasn't had them for Christmas before, then I think that going to his is long overdue.

It's hard for you, of course, anyone can see that. But you need to come to terms with it. Can you start making plans now for a different sort of Christmas for you? With other family, it with friends, or solo self-indulgence? Can they come to you for Boxing Day, or some other visit around Xmas or New Year?

I think alternating is a good idea, if it can be arranged, but that can become difficult as DC couple up and their DP's wishes to see their families have to be factored in.

It's one of those bittersweet changes of the job of parenting being well done and the DC flying the nest.

I voted YABU, but I mean it with kind wishes.

I don't think there is anything wrong with them going to their Dad for Christmas. Children of divorce have enough to deal with that doesn't stop when they turn 18 without a guilt trip on top. I understand that you may be hurt by this but as you do have a big family that you see why not have your Christmas day celebrations on Christmas eve or boxing day

I get it feels heart sore but I would make it as easy as possible for your children.

Plaster a big generous smile on your face and say of course if that is what they would like.

Tell them there will always be an open invitation for Christmas with you, but of course they will want to make different plans and you are very happy for them to do so.

Making it easy for them is such a loving thing to do.

It's not up to your children to fill your time when they are adults, you need to do that on your own. As to whether his gf instigated it, you don't know that for sure. And it doesn't really matter, if the dad didn't want it as well, he wouldn't have suggested it. Maybe he wants to have a Christmas Day with his children before it's too late. I also think it's fair they make time for his family as equally as yours.
Why don't you see some friends over the Christmas period? That'll break up the time and I'm sure you'll see your children over that time, just not Christmas Day.

YANBU to feel sad.

I wouldn't try and guilt them into staying with you, though. Chances are that they'll then come to you next Christmas.

@Aderyn21

I can't decide. If he'd left you for another woman and this was your first Christmas, I'd think yanbu. OTOH, if split was your choosing or was amicable and mutual then it seems fair to take it in turns until the kids are old enough to make their own plans with partners. You are getting Christmas morning and presumably Boxing Day?

The children are adults. The circumstances of any divorce should remain between the parents and the children should be spending Christmas wherever they choose, regardless of any 'blame' in the divorce.

The OP says that they split some years ago and that every Christmas since has been with her. It's time for the XH to have Christmas with them. It's only fair.

Sorry, this is tough, YANBU to feel sad but YABU to always expect your DC at yours for Christmas. I am also divorced as is DP and we have been very clear to our DC that we wont pressurise them to spend Christmas at ours if they have other plans to see the other parent or even go to GFs families. They have enough stress in their lives without us piling on the guilt for just one day a year. Our new tradition is that every year we organise our big family dinner on a day that works for everyone.