Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EX H asked DC to Christmas before I did

301 replies

Time4change2018 · 29/10/2021 13:01

ExH & GF have 'got in first' & asked our 2 adult DC for Christmas dinner. I didn't ask or mention it yet possibly assuming they'd be with me. We split a number of years ago but family only sold this year. Until now plus covid Christmas was with me in family home - wake as family, breakfast etc then go to my family for big dinner, boxing day football usually either at match or my family watching on TV. ExH has said to both he'd like to see them on Christmas Day & have dinner with them - he said now both parents in new homes it's time for some new traditions maybe including their gf/bf if they want. DC thinks it's a reasonable idea but I think are wanting my blessing, they don't mind GF, her house is close enough to go over after breakfast.
Ex also pointed out I have a big family I see each Christmas & he doesn't. He would be with GF family if not seeing DC & appears to get along very well.
I'm sad because I really want my Christmas as normal with DC around all day. If I say I'd really want as normal I think they'll say to to him - but AIBU given he's asked etc
Help me feel more generous of spirit
DC early 20's 1 in uni other working away from home town - I don't know how many more Christmases I'll get just us before they move, travel, have family etc

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 15:48

With your update it sounds like he's been more than reasonable

FatCatThinCat · 29/10/2021 15:49

It sounds like he's treating them like adults, getting in the alcohol they like, but you're still hanging onto their childhoods, giving them pop. Time to let them stretch their wings or they'll fly and not come back.

Capferret · 29/10/2021 15:49

OP my friend had 1 dc and when she divorced returned to the UK.
Her ex remained abroad.
Every Christmas her dd flew out to stay with her father, it was also her dd’s birthday just after Christmas.
Consequently my friend never had her dd at home on dd’s birthday or Christmas for 7 years.
I asked her how she felt.
Her reply was whilst she was sad she was also thankful that her dd spent over 40 weeks a year with her. Christmas and birthday were a small price to pay.

DriftingBlue · 29/10/2021 15:51

If it helps, we all have to face this some day, not just parents who divorce. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I know it’s coming. There will come a Christmas that we don’t wake up to presents with DD and it will be absolutely bizarre. It’s possible we won’t even see her that day or that week. I know in theory that it will mean I have done my job and raised her to be independent and build her own life. I’m not looking forward to it at all.

Lovemusic33 · 29/10/2021 15:52

I have put YABU but I do have sympathy.

I split from ex 5 years ago, since then my dc have always spend Christmas with me, tbh he’s never wanted them Christmas Day and now he has a new GF he has stopped having them in Boxing Day (we had an agreement when we split that I would have them Christmas Day and he would have them Boxing Day), my kids are now 16 and 18 and I can imagine eventually I will be in the same position as you and he may invite them to his for Christmas. I know I would find it hard as it’s always been the 3 of us Christmas Day but things do change, kids grow up and traditions end up changing.

Maybe they can go to his for Christmas Day and then still do the Boxing Day celebrations with you? I know it means spending Christmas Day without them but maybe they could have breakfast with you and then you can spend the day visiting your family whilst they are with their dad? It’s not as though you will be on your own?

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 15:55

@Time4change2018

They went out to a music event the 3 of them a few weeks ago and mentioned Christmas then - just saying it's time with new houses, GF/BF, job for DC, Masters for other that things everyone finds a new way to see each other that is more mutual and less Dad asks to see them on set times & they in turn makes themselves available as fairly as they are for me and my family
They went to a music event with their dad?

They are obviously close

Mix56 · 29/10/2021 15:57

Surely it depends if they prefer to see their GP, extended family more than her family surely.

ExConstance · 29/10/2021 15:59

My sons are 27 and 30 this year, I'm delighted that they are both coming back for Christmas but know it might be the last time as one of them now lives with his girlfriend. The only way to keep them close is t let them do what they like in this regard, it will be all the sweeter the next time you are all together again.

Hathertonhariden · 29/10/2021 16:00

You run the risk of your dc coming to you because you guilt them into it, not because they want to be there. You're being really unfair to your dc as they have missed seeing their DF for the last few years. If you don't accept that they want to spend some Xmases with their DF (and in coming years dps/dps family) you could find yourself spending every Xmas without the dc. It's shot but it's part and parcel of being divorced.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2021 16:01

Is the issue that your kids might be there for Xmas or the fact that the man you were certain you knew has actually turned out to like the things you didnt want in your marriage and is embracing them?

A 20 something is allowed to have a drink at home with a takeaway! It seems, like a pp said, that you are desperately trying to hang on to their childhoods and dont want them to grow up. And you are justifying this by saying that he drinks alcohol and gets some in for them too.

If you took the ages out I would honestly think that the "kids" you describe are in their early/mid teens.

FrogFairy · 29/10/2021 16:05

Why not have a get together with your children before or after Christmas?

A curry night from your favourite take away or a buffet (plenty of party foods to be had for easy catering)

Things will change as they find partners and maybe one day have their own children so just enjoy any time you get together while you can.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 16:07

To be fair
I’d they wanted alcohol at the OP’s, why couldn’t they bring?

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2021 16:12

@Oftenithinkaboutit

To be fair I’d they wanted alcohol at the OP’s, why couldn’t they bring?
Well of course they could but why dont they?

It just seems a really odd thing for the OP to focus on when it had no relevance at all to her issue. So he was always the driver and didnt drink, but now he does and he gets a bottle in for the kids. OK. What has that got to do with Xmas?

I wonder if this is less to do with Xmas and more to do with loss of knowledge/control over him. Yes they split years ago but lived together until recently so she is going through the acceptance of "moving on" stage a lot later than would be expected.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2021 16:13

And I wonder if the kids dont bring alcohol because she makes her disapproval clear.....

bluebeck · 29/10/2021 16:22

I'm off for 3 weeks over Christmas so it'll feel like a long time if they are at his and off with their friends ,/ GF / BF houses.

Seriously you need to take this as a practice run for the rest of your life OP.

You need a life of your own and to stop basing your social life/need for company on adult DC Flowers

Original poster
Time4change2018 · 29/10/2021 16:23

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in.
DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !

OP posts:
Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 16:23

The op drinks as says her ex was always the driver

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2021 16:26

So its jealousy of the GF being a good stepmother to your children? You feel that she is stepping on your toes?

I have to tell you, as someone who's been through this, all you can hope for in your ex's new partner is that they are kind and loving to your children. If she is then you have hit the jackpot. You cant control what your ex and her do with the kids, what they talk about, what they offer. You cant do that when they are younger and you sure as hell can't when they are adults.

I'm sorry but this is the reality of being divorced.

Confrontayshunme · 29/10/2021 16:27

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson

YANBU to feel as you do, but the way to handle it in the way that means they'll want to see you at Christmas in the future is to tell them they will always be welcome to you at Christmas but you are totally happy for them to go wherever they choose and that you'll be fine either way. Tell them that if they choose to be at their dad's or with their partner's families that you'd like to see them to celebrate Christmas on another mutually convenient day.

Don't try and set up an expectation for alternate Christmases with adult children, that will just result in them feeling guilty if they want to do something different. Set up the expectation that they are ALWAYS welcome at yours, but that it's no big deal to celebrate on another day if they have other plans.

This is much more likely to result in them choosing to be with you rather than any sense of obligation or guilt.

Absolutely this. My in-laws always make clear that they welcome us and are happy with us doing whatever we want, and the result is that everyone is happy to be there and staying at our own home to rest over Christmas or visiting other family are also okay if we need that.
suspiria777 · 29/10/2021 16:28

@Time4change2018

I don't disapprove but they do that with their friends and happily drink soft drinks here. But of course happily drink Rum or cider if their Dad buys it in. DC GF went to his before and his GF did the best Mexican, her own salsa etc and was just so welcoming - that's my job or EXH job not hers. She's made herself aware or what DC will / won't eat & makes 'great' restaurant & travel suggestions because having no children she's done it all. Youngest wants to travel next year - she's offered with EXH to help plan it with her DB who has been where they want to go & pay his travel insurance. It's like I'm good for the boring stuff but she has great ideas !
OP you're looking for reasons to be upset, it seems.

This is heading towards crazytown. What is the significance of drinking/not drinking? I don't really understand why you keep bringing it up.

Your ex husband's partner is being nice to your adult children? Oh no(!) She cooks meals for guests? SHOCKING BEHAVIOUR.
How would you prefer her to act? Most people wouldn't want it any other way.

You're acting like there's a competition between you and your ex. Or between you and your ex husband's new partner. Or that your kids' actions are direct reflections of how much they love or appreciate you (while also implying that it's your "turn"). I just don't get it.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 29/10/2021 16:28

This gf sounds lovely

TrickOrTreat21x · 29/10/2021 16:29

I think you need to accept those Christmases are done and you've had them. You need to accept this op.
It's okay to be sad though. Thanks

CushionMountain · 29/10/2021 16:30

Please don't guilt trip them into feeling that they've got to come to you. I was the young adult in this situation and it was horrible. My dad has remarried but my mum hasn't and has no other family so we feel obliged to have Mum with us but that means that i don't see my Dad. The only way we ever get to spend Christmas with the in-laws is when they vey kindly invite my Mum as well. It's a nightmare than is only getting worse now that my children have long term partners and need to split time with another family.
At least you have other family to spend it with so you can afford to be considerate of your kids dilemma.

TicTacHoh · 29/10/2021 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.