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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Childcare from grandparents

234 replies

Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 12:16

Could I ask if I'm being unreasonable.
I'm a single mum edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info As I work full time my parents help out with childcare over the holidays where my son has to stay with them for the entire week then home to me at the weekend due to the distance they live from us.
I've recently started seeing someone for the last few months but as we both have kids it's difficult to find the time to spend quality time together. Whilst my son was at my parents during school holidays my boyfriend and I both took a day off work to spend some time together. My parents are not happy I took time off work to spend with my boyfriend when they were looking after my son as they are of the view if I was able to take time off work I should have been looking after my son that day instead (I'd like to add I do also use the majority of my annual leave to spend time with my son during holidays but only get 28 days a year).
Am I being unreasonable in taking that time off for myself to spend some rare time with my boyfriend whilst they have my son?

OP posts:
Capferret · 29/10/2021 15:41

It was one day. Your dp’s are being ridiculous.
Partly because if you do have a long term relationship it will potentially lessen the childcare for them.
I am a dgm and can’t imagine being so mean that I didn’t want my adult dc to have a day off to herself when she’s a single mum.

Next time don’t tell them.

choli · 29/10/2021 15:45

Next time don’t tell them.
If there is a next time. The grandparents might choose otherwise.

TrashyPanda · 29/10/2021 15:47

@IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative

…that posters are grabby and entitled for daring to expect even the odd bit of help from grandparents

They can be though!

You can’t “expect” help from anyone else! You can ask, and it’s nice to be nice, but nobody owes you anything!! They’re your children!! (Not you, poster, a more general you)

One of my daughters friends is at her grans alllll the time. Every single day. And her mum had the AUDACITY to complain when gran booked herself a holiday!!

Totally.

Expecting is just cheeky.

Asking and then being appreciative that they are putting themselves out to help you is different.

My friends daughter thought I should travel 40 miles by public transport to look after her child (and then 40 miles back home again) every week day. I disagreed. I was happy to help in an emergency,but not every day!

ChickenTikkaMoSalah · 29/10/2021 15:51

It makes a difference whether you discussed it beforehand or not. I know my mum would be ok with this, because I would ask her beforehand if she was, I wouldn’t just expect it to be ok. If you just did it and they weren’t aware that’s how you were using your child free time, I can absolutely see why they might be pissed off.

Capferret · 29/10/2021 15:52

@choli

Next time don’t tell them. If there is a next time. The grandparents might choose otherwise.
That’s their prerogative. Personally I think they just don’t like their dd having a life outside of work and parenting.
Original poster
Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 15:53

@Emrew05 I said to them beforehand, they were fine with it. Only after it's been an issue.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 29/10/2021 15:54

YABU and getting your arse handed to you on a plate by many MNer's OP because you're getting a lot of free childcare which many pay for and also because you should've really asked your parents if they were ok minding your DS whilst you saw your new man. If they said no, you'd have just had to have put up with not seeing him for a day and I'm not surprised they're annoyed with you.

Gonnagetgoing · 29/10/2021 15:55

[quote Busymum21]@Emrew05 I said to them beforehand, they were fine with it. Only after it's been an issue.[/quote]
Didn't say this in your OP though that they were fine with it.

Strange that they've been off with you afterwards unless they had a change of heart/mind re what you were doing.

Blossomtoes · 29/10/2021 15:55

Personally I think they just don’t like their dd having a life outside of work and parenting

Personally I think they just don’t like their dd taking the piss.

LettertoHermoine · 29/10/2021 16:00

@IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative

See this is exactly why I don’t use grandparent childcare in the place of paid childcare. Because it becomes a great big chore. I don’t ever want my parents to view my daughters as a burden or a chore.

We ask for help so that we can get out together occasionally and because it doesn’t happen often it’s a treat for all involved.

I know people who’s parents have their kids all the time. Like pick up from school every day, all the way through school hols etc. i don’t understand how you can ask that of another person.

I agree with this entirely. I think it is an absolutely HUGE ask to expect your parents to take on responsibility of minding your kids when you work 5 days a week. They are meant to be enjoying their retirement and are saddled with small kids, school runs etc all day every day?

What kind of a life is that after raring your own?

Then you get the ones who say "My Mum and Dad ADORE having my little poppets, it keeps them young">

Driving them into the ground more like and making them old before their time. HORRENDOUS thing to do to a parent. What about their lives and stuff they want to do? Selfish and wrong.

The odd day here and there is grand but full time childcarers when they are getting older is wrong.

Original poster
Busymum21 · 29/10/2021 16:02

Just to clarify those who say I'm taking advantage. I asked them beforehand and they were fine with it and knew all about it as I'm not one to sneak around behind people's backs. Only now after the event it seem to be an issue.
To those saying I need to prioritise my dc - believe me, that it always the case and he does always come first. Every other bit of my leave is used to spend time with my dc.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 29/10/2021 16:04

@LettertoHermoine - agreed - all the grandparents I know who've helped look after grandchildren whether they're at school or not (including my own DM and stepdad) some say and some don't but they do find childcare harder when it's not their own children.

I really think some parents with children don't appreciate this and having a child and entertaining them in school holidays is hard work.

And OP - you're lucky to get 28 days holiday a year (I get the same) - a lot only get 21 or 25 days a year at most.

NailsNeedDoing · 29/10/2021 16:05

Maybe they didn’t mind looking after your dc, but then while they were with him they could see that he missed you, and then they felt sad for him that he didn’t get to be the one to spend your day off with you.

Gonnagetgoing · 29/10/2021 16:05

@Busymum21

Just to clarify those who say I'm taking advantage. I asked them beforehand and they were fine with it and knew all about it as I'm not one to sneak around behind people's backs. Only now after the event it seem to be an issue. To those saying I need to prioritise my dc - believe me, that it always the case and he does always come first. Every other bit of my leave is used to spend time with my dc.
Have you asked them why it's an issue now? Because it seems a bit strange that they've suddenly gone back on their word now and are annoyed with you unless they think you're taking the piss or there's a backstory and they don't like your new man.
Gonnagetgoing · 29/10/2021 16:07

Also, not sure if anyone has mentioned this but where is your DC's father in this? Could he not look after his child for 1 day in the school holidays?

LettertoHermoine · 29/10/2021 16:10

[quote Gonnagetgoing]@LettertoHermoine - agreed - all the grandparents I know who've helped look after grandchildren whether they're at school or not (including my own DM and stepdad) some say and some don't but they do find childcare harder when it's not their own children.

I really think some parents with children don't appreciate this and having a child and entertaining them in school holidays is hard work.

And OP - you're lucky to get 28 days holiday a year (I get the same) - a lot only get 21 or 25 days a year at most.[/quote]
Absolutely. I think it is taken for granted a lot of the time and then when a new child is born, that one is dumped into the mix aswell. I have seen grandparents struggling with small toddlers in Tesco and they are not able for it.

Unpaid Slave labour and it is just expected of grandparents because " well I can't afford childcare so my Mum HAS to do it or I can't work"

That may be but it is taking huge advantage and an absolutely awful thing to ask anyone to do.

SarahBop · 29/10/2021 16:18

Why not pay a babysitter to have a date night on the weekends you have your Son?
Sorry, but it's the reality of building a blended family/dating someone with kids..you can't expect to be childfree to enjoy lazy days together.

Iflyaway · 29/10/2021 16:19

Well, if he's anything like my DS's dad, he's a dead-beat.....

Gonnagetgoing · 29/10/2021 16:20

@LettertoHermoine - my neighbour who has 3 DC (now relocated for 2 years) - when she had the third DC I think she was angling for her DM to help out with childcare - as she had done in the past - her DM wasn't impressed and apart from holidays (plus the fact she had 2 adult DC) luckily moved to her home country so wasn't easily available. Neighbour then became a SAHM anyway.

There was no way on earth my own nana (DM's DM) would have looked after us for childcare when we were young and my stepgrandma did when she was older but my DM paid her for this as is correct.

Nocutenamesleft · 29/10/2021 16:20

Absolute pisstake.

Suzi888 · 29/10/2021 16:21

Kind of… do you not think?

Emrew05 · 29/10/2021 16:25

[quote Busymum21]@Emrew05 I said to them beforehand, they were fine with it. Only after it's been an issue.[/quote]
You defo didn't mention that and if that's the case then it changes things sightly. With that said it sounds like there are other issues at play here and maybe talking to them about about whole situation not just your new partner would be a good idea.

Dontbeamugallyourlifesucker · 29/10/2021 16:27

Good god you are being unreasonable! Your poor parents! They are fetching up your son while you are working then relaxing at home on a evening! The school holidays must be so hard for them! woman up and look after your son.. Get childcare in place and see to your kid on a night... Shameful! Angry

LettertoHermoine · 29/10/2021 16:28

[quote Gonnagetgoing]@LettertoHermoine - my neighbour who has 3 DC (now relocated for 2 years) - when she had the third DC I think she was angling for her DM to help out with childcare - as she had done in the past - her DM wasn't impressed and apart from holidays (plus the fact she had 2 adult DC) luckily moved to her home country so wasn't easily available. Neighbour then became a SAHM anyway.

There was no way on earth my own nana (DM's DM) would have looked after us for childcare when we were young and my stepgrandma did when she was older but my DM paid her for this as is correct.[/quote]
Bang on!

Dontbeamugallyourlifesucker · 29/10/2021 16:30

Your mumsnet name shouldn't be busymum21 but busy grandparentsbecauseiamtakingthepiss!

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