To wonder is there benefit in getting a label for my DS?

[Labelicious]

When my DS started school, he had such problems in the first term that by the end of it his teacher was recommending a referral for a “processing disorder.” However, he was young for his year which could have explained it, was responding very badly to their strategies (stickers etc) (both teacher and headmaster were inexperienced) and when he turned 5, things improved significantly. They never suggested similar after the first term and all of his teachers since then (4 years on) say he’s progressing well.
However, there are things that make me wonder. He’s a total daydreamer and often doesn’t hear his name being called (I was the same as a kid). His little just started school brother has himself fully dressed in the morning while eldest DS might have managed to pull off his pyjama top. He has often struggled with transitions eg going out on day trips - home is his favourite place. He can struggle socially (like me). He goes through intense interests where he develops encyclopaedic knowledge (again like me). He really struggles to go to sleep at night. I was reading a thread last night which says emotional disregulation is a symptom of ADHD - he can be an anxious child, if something goes badly he can get very very upset and says he hates himself, and he absolutely hates if he “fails” at something or feels he hasn’t done well to the extent he will avoid doing it (eg I think this is why he has never been a fan of doing sport with his class).
My DH would never consent to DS being assessed and having a “label”. When his teachers 4 years ago were suggesting an issue I did some reading and felt like ADD (inattentive) described me in so many ways. I mean, I probably don’t have it, but (through luck and circumstance) I’m the most senior lawyer in my organisation and I could NEVER have got there with that label - who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!
In my DH’s family, a sister and niece have diagnosed ASD and/or ADHD, brother suspected. My DH disapproved of my niece getting diagnosed. The adults have never really held down a job. I guess with my traits and my DH’s family traits it’s possible my eldest DC has something. My youngest is now very delayed talking and is similar in some ways to my eldest at that age (eg hates loud noises).
Should I forcefully insist my DS gets assessed? As I said the school are not currently suggesting it although his current teacher told me he told her he can’t sleep at night thinking about things, and hates himself (he couldn’t identify any of his (many)qualities during an exercise where he they had to name good things about themselves).
(Namechanged as identifying details)

Oh - didn’t realise there was voting.’ I guess AIBU to think a diagnostic label can be limiting in many ways?

My son has just been through screening and is being assessed for add, spd and asd which will take some time. The label is there to help him, to assist him in accessing support etc to help him live his life. I have a label too it’s doesn’t define me, it was necessary for me to access supports to help with my education but it’s a teeny part of who I am.

It's not a label, it's a diagnosis. It can unlock additional support if needed and can be a useful shorthand.

You don't need to declare it in a job. So even if you had been diagnosed with ADD, you wouldn't have to tell your employer.

Why is your DH so anti getting your children support? Does he think neurodiversity is something to be ashamed of?

I think you are unreason to force anything against your dh will. If your ds struggled significantly in future and it would help him in some way discuss benefit with dh but that’s not the case at the moment?

I would say it’s the opposite, in that it opens doors to getting help they need.

Why would you tell an employer about ADD, unless you wanted to?

I would go to the GP for both. You may want to consider ASD too. There is a greater chance of having one if you have the other and the sensitivity to loud noises would be a flag for that.

@Clymene

It's not a label, it's a diagnosis. It can unlock additional support if needed and can be a useful shorthand.

You don't need to declare it in a job. So even if you had been diagnosed with ADD, you wouldn't have to tell your employer.

Why is your DH so anti getting your children support? Does he think neurodiversity is something to be ashamed of?

This.

Don’t think of it as a label: it’s a diagnosis.

I think yabu based on my life experience. I can't mask and fake being neurotypical though. Trying when i was younger just led to burn out. When supports are in place I'm very productive. When they aren't, I struggle.
Knowing myself and having a diagnosis has been really helpful.
Anyone I know who is late diagnosed has spent many years trying to be extra useful and to make up for their perceived shortcomings and wearing themselves into the ground.

Firstly please don't use the term 'labelling'. For those of us who have fought long and hard and continue to fight long and hard to get our children's disabilities recognised, diagnosed and then the massive bloody fight to get any support at school, its quite offensve to our children to talk about them having a 'label'. No they don't, they have a recognised disability.
Yes i think you should definitely seek diagnosis for your children. If they had a different disability, a physical disability, then surely you would seek help. Getting an assessment can be a long difficult process, but if your child does have Autism or ADHD or something else these difficulties will not go away if you ignore them. As your children get older and school becomes more complex with more demands their difficulties will still be there and could effect them more and more to the point of their self esteem and mental health could be an increasing issue. If your child needs help why would you not seek it?

My dd was assessed as having ASD at 12.
I always thought she was a quirky kid but would never have thought she was autistic.
My GP said to look at her diagnosis as a map. Whereas we may go from a to b, she may need to go via c and d to get to b, which I get.

A positive outcome of her diagnosis is that she gets more times in her exams. She goes to grammar, so is very capable but struggles to concentrate enough to understand the question. I'm hoping that little extra time will stop her panicking and writing just anything down.

So for us, a diagnosis was a positive thing.

The "label" is not for you. It's for your DS. He needs the appropriate words to describe himself and the things he finds difficult. As he gets older he will need to articulate the things he needs to succeed and to advocate for himself. Being able to say "I have ADD so would you mind repeating those instructions please?" Is a big part of that.

If he reaches adulthood and no longer wants to use the "label" then that's his prerogative. But it's not yours to withhold.

But also, just because he's assessed doesn't mean he'll actually receive the diagnosis anyway.

Don’t think of it as a label: it’s a diagnosis.
100%.
I can’t speak on behalf of children but as an adult who has been diagnosed with ADHD I can say that the weight from my shoulders having an official diagnosis was massive. It didn’t change anything in terms of my symptoms or issues but knowing what I struggle with is because of an actual media condition is comforting, alleviates the guilt and negative feelings I have towards myself and had helped me get some support.

It’s not a label, your child isn’t a suitcase or a jar of jam. You’d not call diagnosing a child with diabetes giving them a “label” so please don’t do it with neurodiversities. It trivialises what is an actual diagnosis.

Personally I found it very helpful for both me and my child that he had a diagnosis (ASD) and that it helped him understand why he found certain things very difficult - he also tends towards hating himself. I also wanted to get the (lengthy) diagnosis process done before considering secondary school. I’ve never regretted it and I can see no downside at the moment. I don’t feel he’s “labelled”, just that those who need to know about it understand him better. If he wants to be a world class lawyer or whatever then great, he doesn’t need to tell people about his autism if it’s unhelpful - I didn’t get it branded on his forehead! But honestly I was more concerned that my child was mentally well and coped at school than about their hypothetical high flying future career.

Medical not media

If you child was diagnosed as asthmatic would you class that as a label?

If your child has unmet needs that is going to be much more of a barrier to them in life.

You, and your husband, need to give your heads a wobble and get your heads into helping your son

You don't have to declare it to an employer so don't worry about that part.

If he’s doing well in school/ life then I’m theory you don’t need a diagnosis. However it can take a long time (several years sometimes) to get through a diagnosis process so if at some point in the future things start going wrong, which could happen when he moves up to secondary for example you could access support quicker. It’s still a fight and takes a long time to access support but it’s one hurdle you are already over. He won’t get support solely with a diagnosis, my son was diagnosed with asd at 6 I was given a few photocopied leaflets and sent on my way but it then meant I could tackle the next hurdle of getting his ehcp for support in school

An official assessment will enable support, understanding and you can fight his corner if needed. Doors will be opened for him.

It did for my DS. Without it he would've struggled and be left behind in school. There is so much help out there. You can't brush these things under the carpet thinking they don't exist.

My DS would have been labelled thick at school back in the day. Which label would your DH like your DS to be labelled, as there will always be one!

I'm a senior professional in my organisation. Although perhaps I shouldn't be, who would hire a healthcare professional with ADHD?!

In all seriousness, you're limiting him by not getting an assessment. An assessment will show his areas of strength as well as any areas that he made need support in. For me, it's about self awareness and I know what I'm good at, therefore I work in a job that suits me, I picked modules at university that suited my style of learning etc and have been very successful. ADHD doesn't effect my intelligence.

Before I understood myself better I would fail classes at school because I'd try to work, learn and revise the same as my friends- but this didn't always work for me.

Practically, I'd seek out any local parent support groups for ADHD and speak with them, share your current position and listen to their advice and experiences.

Yes get him assessed so he can access support if needed. He won't need to declare it on the vast majority of job apps, it is much more likely that he would be hindered by his behaviours if not managed rather than a diagnosis. My DB didn't have his diagnosed until adulthood, it was much harder to initiate the process and he struggled through school needlessly.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction

I think yabu based on my life experience. I can't mask and fake being neurotypical though. Trying when i was younger just led to burn out. When supports are in place I'm very productive. When they aren't, I struggle. Knowing myself and having a diagnosis has been really helpful. Anyone I know who is late diagnosed has spent many years trying to be extra useful and to make up for their perceived shortcomings and wearing themselves into the ground.

After watching my DD burnout after years of masking, I agree with this.

I was also told that a diagnosis can help your child to understand themselves. I would get the wheels in motion because it can take a very long time. Good luck.

I got my diagnosis a few months ago, at 40. Having support from my parents would have made the world of difference to me growing up, being an anxious, emotional child with huge social communication issues and being blamed for things out of my control.

I got mine because 2 of my children also suffer in the same way I did and their dr recommended I get assessed myself.

The 'label' tag hits me hard as I see diagnosis as a key to unlocking doors and getting support. Our children have greatly benefited from their diagnosis as it means people (school) are more understanding of their needs and more able to put support into place.

Conversely, I have a relative who has never sought help for their dc because of the fear of 'the label' and have a child who is massively struggling to know who they are. Instead relative see any offers of support as an attack on their parenting !

Your husbands attitude is the attitude my dp’s parents took when he was a child.

He hated school and had a horrible experience

Only in the last few years, with my support, has he really understood why certain things affect him the way they do and learned coping mechanisms. If he wants to be formally assessed though it will cost around £3k as an adult. He functions way to well to get diagnosed on the NHS, holds down a senior job etc

Yet a couple years ago this high functioning man got extremely anxious because I wanted to buy us a shoe cabinet. . .

My point is support at an early age is a great thing, it’s up to the individual when to declare it (or not). Learning coping mechanisms helps neurodiverse individuals to succeed.

Support/help/advice will become available to you when you get a diagnosis. Your DH needs to stop thinking of neurodivergence as a negative thing. Is he scared of what people will think?

Before my son was assessed he was just seen as a badly behaved child.
He never did get a diagnosis, due to his refusal to engage, but he did still get support and help to manage.
He was placed into a school for SEN and with more understanding, he was able to function properly and actually focus and get an education.

Had he not been assessed, he would have continued through mainstream with the label of trouble and he would have failed school because he couldn't function properly in that setting.

So its more so to get the correct support around him.