To wonder is there benefit in getting a label for my DS?

[Labelicious]

When my DS started school, he had such problems in the first term that by the end of it his teacher was recommending a referral for a “processing disorder.” However, he was young for his year which could have explained it, was responding very badly to their strategies (stickers etc) (both teacher and headmaster were inexperienced) and when he turned 5, things improved significantly. They never suggested similar after the first term and all of his teachers since then (4 years on) say he’s progressing well.
However, there are things that make me wonder. He’s a total daydreamer and often doesn’t hear his name being called (I was the same as a kid). His little just started school brother has himself fully dressed in the morning while eldest DS might have managed to pull off his pyjama top. He has often struggled with transitions eg going out on day trips - home is his favourite place. He can struggle socially (like me). He goes through intense interests where he develops encyclopaedic knowledge (again like me). He really struggles to go to sleep at night. I was reading a thread last night which says emotional disregulation is a symptom of ADHD - he can be an anxious child, if something goes badly he can get very very upset and says he hates himself, and he absolutely hates if he “fails” at something or feels he hasn’t done well to the extent he will avoid doing it (eg I think this is why he has never been a fan of doing sport with his class).
My DH would never consent to DS being assessed and having a “label”. When his teachers 4 years ago were suggesting an issue I did some reading and felt like ADD (inattentive) described me in so many ways. I mean, I probably don’t have it, but (through luck and circumstance) I’m the most senior lawyer in my organisation and I could NEVER have got there with that label - who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!
In my DH’s family, a sister and niece have diagnosed ASD and/or ADHD, brother suspected. My DH disapproved of my niece getting diagnosed. The adults have never really held down a job. I guess with my traits and my DH’s family traits it’s possible my eldest DC has something. My youngest is now very delayed talking and is similar in some ways to my eldest at that age (eg hates loud noises).
Should I forcefully insist my DS gets assessed? As I said the school are not currently suggesting it although his current teacher told me he told her he can’t sleep at night thinking about things, and hates himself (he couldn’t identify any of his (many)qualities during an exercise where he they had to name good things about themselves).
(Namechanged as identifying details)

ASD parent here! It's not a label, it's a diagnosis. It opens doors for yourself and your child, allows his school to obtain extra funding to support him. I thought we were past all this "label" nonsense now!

Me again. I should add that my adhd kids all went through asd assessment first as that's our trusts pathway. Only 1 was diagnosed asd but again its allowed is to tailor things to meets his needs. He now loves school, has made great friendships, gets his asd makes him feel a certain way and that's ok.

My analogy is not looking at a diagnosis is like making your kid carry a backpack of bricks. With each part of diagnostic process you take a brick out. Even if child isnt diagnosed you understand them better and they have less bricks to carry around. Even better they understand themselves and sling those bricks into a wheel barrow and push those bad boys

It's not a label that's offensive! It's a diagnosis to get the help the young person needs! And it's totally your decision not anyone's on social media 🤷‍♀️

If I do go for an assessment, I’ll go private (I’m not in England, the process would take years here I think if I went public especially following covid). I might investigate who would be good - I don’t know where to start. I could frame it to DH as just helping with DS’ anxiety. DH sometimes sees someone himself for anxiety so it would be hypocritical for him to object to DS doing similar! @Hankunamatata, his teacher is barely out of college so would say herself she wouldn’t have the experience to know I think (it’s a new school hence all the inexperienced teachers!) His last two more experienced teachers didn’t raise concerns.

I can’t wrap my head around this, OP. Refusing to get your son assessed won’t make him “normal”, it will just mean he can’t get the support he needs. Frankly, I think that’s pretty cruel.

ADHD is a neurobiological condition. If he has ADHD then he is lacking neurotransmitter chemicals dopamine and norepinephrine. To grow up with these issues and no diagnosis is harsh. He knows he's different, why would you let him think he's lazy when you could find there's a reason and he could try medication. Could you comfortably say to him 'I know you're struggling and could try to help, but won't'

If he was short sighted would DH disapprove of glasses?
If he had diabetes would DH allow him to have insulin? Its the same thing. DH needs to read up on it, its not a new thing at all.

When you become a parent, you have aspirations for your child. If your child is neurodiverse, it could be that the ideas and plans and hopes for their future, that you have, will need to be adjusted.

But they still are the child that you love, with hopes and aspirations of their own, but maybe feeling they don’t fit into the world they find themselves in. Getting a diagnosis should help to put in place support which will help your child find his place and feel more comfortable in the environment he inhabits.

Your DH will have to adjust his expectations to a new reality. Not better, not worse, but possibly different. In the end, your child is his own person, to be celebrated. A diagnosis is not a label. It’s the start of support.

@Mumoblue , no desire for my DS to be “ normal”, just don’t want to unnecessarily pathologise who he is.

@Labelicious

If he’s assessed and he doesn’t need a diagnosis they won’t give him one. If he does, how is that unnecessary?

XelaM
I agree with your DH. Your child will think there is something wrong with him and he's different from other kids. Not going to do much for his confidence

Do you know what growing up with undiagnosed ADHD does for your confidence.

It destroys it.

ADHD is an actual physical issue
If your child has a physical disability then you would get a diagnosis or would you just ignore it

I went undiagnosed for nearly 60 years
I can’t hold down a job, I gained no qualifications. My life is a mess.
My life has only just begun since I have been medicated and realise that thinking just for even everyday things is so much easier.
Imagine going through life feeling like you are thinking through thick treacle.
It is sole destroying

@wheeeeet

I’m the most senior lawyer in my organisation and I could NEVER have got there with that label - who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!

Emmmm what the actual fuck?!

YABVVVVU

Except law firms are notoriously discriminatory.

Not to thread hijack but I'm fighting the same battle for my own situation. I have highly paid job in IT but I am failing (again) at it - I now have an ADHD diagnosis but I am struggling over whether to tell my employer as I honestly don't think telling them will help.

I sympathise with fellow neurodiverse people, but I am not sure society is ready for us all yet.

However, both Autism and ADHD are recognised disabilities, and therefore affords them protections and rights under the Equality act with regards to their schooling, support and even in future employment

The organisation I work for actually have a policy of giving anyone with a disability a guaranteed interview when shortlisting applicants.

My DD has dyslexia and dyspraxia.
The difference in her feelings about herself shifted overnight when we got the diagnoses. From constant questions about ‘I’ve been at school the same amount of time as X - why can’t I do this and they can?’ she now says ‘this is hard for me because of dyslexia, isn’t it Mum? Not because I’m stupid.’ Two years ago we had a little girl who used to panic to the extent that she bolted from the classroom and hid and was pulling her hair because she found her work so stressful. Now she knows that some things will be hard, and why this is, and the school know where she will struggle. The school put in place measures to make sure that she can access all the same material as everyone else.

That’s what it is all about. Making sure she has access to the same opportunities as everyone else. She is really good at science. If the class need to read some information, if she has to read it herself it takes ages and she often doesn’t understand it, having had to sound out loads of the words. So she then has trouble accessing the rest of the lesson. So someone reads it to her, and she can understand it and follow the rest of the lesson like everyone else.

Dyspraxia means she has trouble getting changed sometimes, and she often drops things. So when she went to school camp, staff were on hand to discreetly help her and none of the other children even spotted she was getting odd bits of help. She could go along and have the same fun as all the others, and not worry about always being the last one ready, or the one who always dropped her dinner tray.

This will go with her to secondary school. Which is even more important- she is at a small village school where to some extent accommodations have been made because they know her, even before we got her diagnosed. Moving on, she will be able to take those support systems with her.

It doesn’t diminish her equality with the other students, it puts her on an equal footing. The support is aimed at allowing her to be just like everyone else, with access to the same opportunities, rather than being written off as stupid, or lazy, or naughty. If a child is a bit shorter than their classmates, you don’t put them in the back row to watch a lesson demonstration- you acknowledge it and pop them in the front where they can see. No drama, no big deal, just a bit of practical common sense. That’s what a ‘label’ does. It means that teachers are thinking ‘He can’t quite see form where he is - let’s just do it like this and then he can see.’

Essay over!!

Sick of these fucking threads popping up every couple of weeks. They are beyond offensive. As many people have said its not a label, it's a diagnosis and it's not for you it's for your child who jyou have said yourself is struggling.

Gee thanks OP. Nice to know that in your view, diagnoses are just "pathologising normal issues".

I am an autistic mother of two autistic children. I grew up in a time when autism was not recognised and I was called shy, odd, awkward, daydreamer, emotional--- all labels with negative connotations. I struggled with my mental health from a very young age, I never understood who 'I' was. I felt different, the odd one out and I grew to hate myself because I didn't understand me.
When my son started the assessment process I began to understand why I had felt this way and it has been liberating to know that I was not defective or useless or weak as I had previously thought but my brain was wired to work in a different way.
My son is 11, extremely bright and is the greatest advocate for those with asd! He has always known who he is and is confident in himself. He can explain that he is logical, literal and an introvert. He understands that he sees things differently from his peers and can even find humour in that. He has support for his organisation in school and access to MH services. Without his diagnosis he would be labelled smart but odd, precocious and a loner. He also has high levels of anxiety and emotional liability which could mark his out to bullies.
I find that those who say they don't want their child to be labelled are usually those who don't wish anyone to know that their child is a little different, who see autism as a blight upon the family. Ultimately it does not change who the child is, how they will behave or their strengths and weaknesses. It just reinforces to the child that they are the wrong type and should adjust to the norm, which is emotionally destructive and damaging to self esteem. Please think about your child and what is best for them.

[quote Labelicious]@Mumoblue , no desire for my DS to be “ normal”, just don’t want to unnecessarily pathologise who he is.[/quote]
This is very ignorant but also naive. Its not just a label for the sake of it, it's to enable him to access help and support that will make his life easier. You both sounds pretty selfish to be honest, just thinking about what you both want and not what might be best for your child.

At the age of 13, my son has literally just been confirmed with a diagnosis of autism, after being referred on by his high school for issues with inattention and low mood. I have had my suspicions about DS for most of his life but allowed myself to be talked down, concerns minimized by just about everyone else around me--teachers, friends, relatives, including my DH. He has finally come round and grown to be more supportive and understanding during the long journey of diagnosis, and I am so very relieved that we've finally got answers, but my God, how I wish I had found the confidence to look for help sooner.

It's not about having a label. It's a diagnosis of a condition, with a view to gaining support should your child ever need it. If he doesn't need any help that's great, but if he does at some point in the future I can assure you that it can take a very long time to go through the diagnosis process. Schools should provide support regardless of a diagnosis but in reality that's not always the case- that 'label' can make a difference. Frankly I'd rather my child be diagnosed with ADHD than 'labelled' as naughty/ rude/ hyperactive/ unruly/ disobedient... I could go on.

Just putting this here.

I just want to add that for years there was a strong objection to diagnosing and medicalising adhd, because it was perceived as giving them drugs to make them fit it.

I fully agree that people shouldn’t have to fit in, but there’s now decades of solid research showing that kids who are correctly medicated for adhd have better learning outcomes than those who are not. The medicines gives them at fighting chance to get an education.

ADDitude magazine and podcasts are an excellent resource if you want to find something for your dh to read or listen to.

[quote Labelicious]@Mumoblue , no desire for my DS to be “ normal”, just don’t want to unnecessarily pathologise who he is.[/quote]
Christ on a bike. What an incredibly naive comment.

@AnotherName456

Sick of these fucking threads popping up every couple of weeks. They are beyond offensive. As many people have said its not a label, it's a diagnosis and it's not for you it's for your child who jyou have said yourself is struggling.

100% agree with this.

As someone with inattentive ADHD, that attitude: "My DH would never consent to DS being assessed and having a “label” really pisses me off. It's so ignorant.

You wouldn't say to someone with cancer, oh we don't want him diagnosed, we wouldn't want him to have a label. What does it even mean, it's a ridiculous thing to say.

A "label's" purpose is so that medication can be prescribed if appropriate or adjustments and support put in place. It also gives weight to protection from disability discrimination.

I'm also struggling to understand your comment about no one wanting to hire a lawyer with inattentive ADHD. How would they know? Just because you are diagnosed doesn't mean you have to wear a sticker on your head saying "ADHD". You only tell who you want and need to tell.

And assessing your child for ADHD is not pathologising who he is. It's diagnosing a condition he has (if he has it). ADHD is a neurodevelomental disorder, that has very serious negative health, interpersonal and economic outcomes, especially if untreated. It's not a personality trait.