To wonder is there benefit in getting a label for my DS?

[Labelicious]

When my DS started school, he had such problems in the first term that by the end of it his teacher was recommending a referral for a “processing disorder.” However, he was young for his year which could have explained it, was responding very badly to their strategies (stickers etc) (both teacher and headmaster were inexperienced) and when he turned 5, things improved significantly. They never suggested similar after the first term and all of his teachers since then (4 years on) say he’s progressing well.
However, there are things that make me wonder. He’s a total daydreamer and often doesn’t hear his name being called (I was the same as a kid). His little just started school brother has himself fully dressed in the morning while eldest DS might have managed to pull off his pyjama top. He has often struggled with transitions eg going out on day trips - home is his favourite place. He can struggle socially (like me). He goes through intense interests where he develops encyclopaedic knowledge (again like me). He really struggles to go to sleep at night. I was reading a thread last night which says emotional disregulation is a symptom of ADHD - he can be an anxious child, if something goes badly he can get very very upset and says he hates himself, and he absolutely hates if he “fails” at something or feels he hasn’t done well to the extent he will avoid doing it (eg I think this is why he has never been a fan of doing sport with his class).
My DH would never consent to DS being assessed and having a “label”. When his teachers 4 years ago were suggesting an issue I did some reading and felt like ADD (inattentive) described me in so many ways. I mean, I probably don’t have it, but (through luck and circumstance) I’m the most senior lawyer in my organisation and I could NEVER have got there with that label - who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!
In my DH’s family, a sister and niece have diagnosed ASD and/or ADHD, brother suspected. My DH disapproved of my niece getting diagnosed. The adults have never really held down a job. I guess with my traits and my DH’s family traits it’s possible my eldest DC has something. My youngest is now very delayed talking and is similar in some ways to my eldest at that age (eg hates loud noises).
Should I forcefully insist my DS gets assessed? As I said the school are not currently suggesting it although his current teacher told me he told her he can’t sleep at night thinking about things, and hates himself (he couldn’t identify any of his (many)qualities during an exercise where he they had to name good things about themselves).
(Namechanged as identifying details)

If your child has a problem accessing his education ignoring the issue won't make it disappear. You need to tell your husband this and make him understand. If there is an issue your child will have provision made for him so he can learn better. Why would your DH not want him to be able to learn better? I think your DH does not understand how a learning problem can hold a child back. It sounds like your son has low self esteem because of his learning issues. This needs to be addressed.

@Sailorsgirl44 , DS sounds like it was similar to your child in his first term eg lashing out at others. His teacher started giving him a “quiet space”; she let him not do PE if he didn’t want to, she marked everything with stickers. He remembers that first year as the year he was the “bad/naughty boy” and not doing PE meant he fell even further behind his class mates. His teachers ever since have not treated him as if he has a diagnosis and he seems to have thrived (funny enough he seemed to do best in school socially and academically after lockdown but I don’t know what that means, if anything! He seems to be starting to struggle a little again with self-esteem/socially now).
I should point out that the headmaster who really pushed the diagnosis that first term is a twat who was suspended the following year for embezzlement so I don’t really rate his views. A more experienced headmaster was shocked they had that conversation with us as in his experience it’s not unusual for boys, particularly younger ones, to struggle by going hyper when first starting school. There is nothing really pushing me towards getting an assessment now, he is not struggling academically so that would make it even more difficult to persuade DH. DH doesn’t really believe he is unusually anxious or with low self-esteem. How could I persuade him? Should I be persuading him?!

@XelaM

I agree with your DH. Your child will think there is something wrong with him and he's different from other kids. Not going to do much for his confidence

I cannot agree with this attitude (and it's frankly rather offensive).

Different doesn't equate to wrong.

Whether a person receives a diagnosis, it is simply that. A recognition of a condition.

And contrary to your post @XelaM, having received their diagnosis, both my children were more confident knowing that there was nothing wrong with them, they're simply wired differently.

@Labelicious
I think my DH doesn’t like the idea of anything being “wrong” with his children, he says who’s normal anyway, he doesn’t think he’s normal or I’m normal or anyone really.

Yep, my DH was just like this years ago - because for us, we are "normal". Except we're not, we parents have undiagnosed traits which have combined to produce very neuro-diverse kids. Not wrong, just different kids.

It's this attitude which will hinder and limit your children, not themselves and whatever conditions they may or may not have.

They tend to suffer horrific MH issues because they don't understand why life is so hard for them and don't understand themselves.

I can absolutely vouch for that. If I could turn back the clock, I would have pushed for Ds to be assessed much earlier. He wishes he was no longer here. He hates himself and he hates autism. Most professionals involved with him now, feel that earlier input and support, could have made so much difference.
Whilst his peers plan their futures, he can barely leave his bedroom. And we are left fighting our Local authority for very specialist support.

I'm actually really cross on your son's behalf.

How dare his dad refuse him appropriate understanding and care because of how it makes him feel? What a wanker thing to do.

If your son needed an inhaler to survive, you'd bloody get loads. But god forbid a child might need adhd medication or something!

@Labelicious
There is nothing really pushing me towards getting an assessment now, he is not struggling academically

Just as an aside, both mine are academic highfliers. Still autistic. Major mental health issues that came to light in their teens. Still ongoing.

Your son isn't sleeping well, he over-thinks. He's only primary age, so yes maybe wait a few more years. But the traits you see in yourself, in him... they are indicative of something. You're here asking...

People with undiagnosed ADHD can really struggle in adulthood without correct support. Often turning to drugs, gambling, petty crime and in women it often manifests as eating disorders. It is definitely worth getting a diagnosis and correct support early.

We do way too much medicalising of behaviour in this country. If you don't fit the norm we diagnose you and we pump medications down you so you fit in

Which country is that? Its generally agreed that ADHD and ASD (and other neurodivergences) are actually underdiagnosed in the UK. Medication is not always part of ADHD either and while it might be suitable for some people, it isn't for others.

It's a medical diagnosis, not a label slapped on for convenience. There are clear diagnostic criteria and thresholds that must be met before a diagnosis can be given and the assessment process takes an age, you don't just rock up and say "my kid won't sit still" then walk away with a diagnosis.

As PPs have said, it's not a label; it's a diagnosis; a pathway to treatment, understanding and support.

Other side my lovely dh was an undiagnosed adhd. His parents took him to different physical activities, wrote schedules, helped him plan. He still did rubbish at school and had zero self worth as he felt an utter failure at his inability to focus in class. He felt something was wrong with him- no one every mentioned adhd or add. Then he self medicated with alcohol for years to help sleep, wind down, stop his brain. He didnt get qualifications at school due to daydreaming as they called it so needed up stuck in a job that didnt need qualifications he is at the more extreme end of inattentive.

He has a lightbulb moment when out first child was diagnosed as mil just kept saying he is just like you dh, nothing wrong with him. Dh was adamant his son was not going to feel like he did and have people making fun of his daydreaming, and losing things and generally seen as a bit of a joke.

We have a teen who feels he can conquer the world, loads confidence, he has adhd and takes medication just like anyone else would for a medical condition. He also exercises and tries to eat well as he knows managing his adhd is a package deal. I couldn't be prouder of him and his knowledge and understanding of himself.

I think you and your husband are risking letting your own prejudices mean your son can’t be properly supported.

“he is not struggling academically so that would make it even more difficult to persuade DH. DH doesn’t really believe he is unusually anxious or with low self-esteem.”

My child doesn’t struggle academically and never has, he’s still autistic. And his academic performance has only improved now he’s not stressed, self harming, awake half the night and regularly saying he hates himself or he is stupid/useless/should die. Diagnosis (again it’s not a bloody label) has allowed him to understand himself and freed me from feeling I need to parent him “properly” and instead I can parent him how he actually needs. Whole family is loads happier, especially child. Win all round and if the cost of that is he can’t join the armed forces as an adult then so be it. That’s I think the only limitation his diagnosis places on him.

You said in your OP your son has told his teacher he doesn’t sleep and he hates himself- how can you hear that your small child feels that way and not act on it?

OP go and have a really good chat 1 on1 with his teacher. Its could be he is an anxious child or he is neuro diverse. Experienced teachers usually have an good eye. Even if he isnt neurodiverse then strategies to help.him manage anxiety can be useful

DH doesn’t really believe he is unusually anxious or with low self-esteem.

So maybe he isnt overly anxious and doesn't have low self esteem? Why is your opinion more valid that DH?

If he is anxious about something, can't you just help him feel less anxious by talking to him about his worries? If his self esteem is.poor, can't you try boosting it by telling him all his strengths, getting him involved in activities he can do well at, praising him?

It is a diagnosis, not a label. Diagnosis unlocks the ability to get help and support. If your child had another ailment you would take them to the doctor to get a diagnosis and appropriate treatment. I don't understand why anyone wouldn't.

[quote Labelicious]@Enquirer20 I didn’t see your post before I posted mine, and yes, that is exactly what I’m worried about. I do think there could be a stigma, you can see in how some people post or talk about people with neurodivergence.[/quote]
There is stigma, I can see it from my ILs, but if thats the worry, disclosure isn't necessary unless he needs reasonable adjustments to have a level field with NT children or in his workplace. He might be fine till high school or till University, but he also might suddenly and urgently need those supports. Diagnosis is often a very slow process. It's far better to have that diagnosis already. If he one day needs extra supports then you'll have it so you can step in and advocate for him and if he doesn't need it then it doesn't need to be disclosed. From people who have pursued diagnoses as an adult it's been really important for them to know and helped them understand themselves.

@Labelicious do you realise that it's not as simple as "getting an assessment" and that the process can take years? You clearly have some concerns otherwise wouldn't have made this post. Is it not better to start the process now whilst he isn't finding things too difficult (although his worries and self esteem issues suggest otherwise) rather than waiting until he is?

For the record if your husband was mine he'd be out the door if he refused to get on board. My child's needs would come before his fathers prejudices.

It is a label and you’re right to be concerned because a lot of ignorance persists about neurological differences. It’s our generation’s job to challenge that. And I recent years there has been a shift towards increased understanding and acceptance.

The problem as I see it is that we approach conditions like autism and adhd and other SN with the question “what is wrong…?” Which is understandable. But neurological differences are important. A huge percentage of creative entrepreneurs have an adhd profile. A huge number of Nobel prize winners in science have an autistic profile.

In ancient times it was vital for the survival of the tribe that some people woke early, stayed up late and a few were insomniacs to watch over the tribe. Some were needed to nurture the young, but hunters and killers were vital for food. People with quick reactions are important, and people with a slow and steady temperament are necessary. People who can see to the day to day chores as well as those who can puzzle away for years at a new invention.

But nowadays we are locked into school systems where everyone needs to be alert at the same time, able to transition quickly between subjects and not think too deeply, sit still for long periods etc. And kids with valuable neurological diversity end up feeling like failures before they ever get a chance to shine.

School is unbelievably hard when you aren’t neurotypical. We’re slowly getting to a point of tolerance, compassion and accomodation for dc with a diagnosis but pick a MN thread at random and you’re likely to find complete intolerance for anyone perceived as NT who is acting in a difficult way. If you try as a mum to advocate for a dc who doesn’t have a “label”, you’ll get a label of your own (anxious, bad parent, indulgent, etc).

Getting a diagnosis is like having a key on your hand- it unlocks services, but also tolerance and accommodation. It can make a massive difference to easing a child’s passage, and it can help counter the internalised negativity that is inevitable when you don’t understand why you are different from others.

I have no doubt that your dh is trying to protect your dc. But he’s going about it the wrong way.

When my son was 5/6 I wanted to get him checked out as I suspected ADHD, sensory processing issues. School said he was fine (just the youngest in the year, he'll catch up they said) and DH was dead against "labelling" him with a diagnosis.

Now he's 10, nearly 11 and all the things he finds tricky have intensified over the last 2 years and he's fallen further and further behind at school. We are now part way down the path to diagnosis but it's so slow, the waiting lists are so long (even private practitioners around here have lists!) and I'm frustrated that he needed more support 2/3 years ago.

So I would recommend you push for diagnosis. There is so much that can be put in place to support him and find out what he is good at so nurture that.

As many have said, its not about a 'label' its about diagnosis and unlocking the doors for additional help, support, and adjustments they might need for their education and life going forward.

It's not like they go around with a giant flashing sign over them screaming "autism!!!" or "ADHD!!!!" so if you or they don't ever feel like sharing that information with people who don't need to know, then thats your business.

However, both Autism and ADHD are recognised disabilities, and therefore affords them protections and rights under the Equality act with regards to their schooling, support and even in future employment.

Its worth doing, because while they may appear to 'cope' at primary school, there are a lot of kids with neurodivergence who struggle in secondary school, and a LOT with ongoing mental health issues.

One thought also is that it could backfire when your son is older?

Is there a chance he might interpret your DH's reluctance as, you refused to help me? Did you not seek help for me when you could have done? Are you ashamed of who I am and don't want a diagnosis which could have supported me?

I sincerely hope this wouldn't happen but is there a possibility that it might?

I would, and have, put my son's health and wellbeing first. Always.

@Clymene

It's not a label, it's a diagnosis. It can unlock additional support if needed and can be a useful shorthand.

You don't need to declare it in a job. So even if you had been diagnosed with ADD, you wouldn't have to tell your employer.

Why is your DH so anti getting your children support? Does he think neurodiversity is something to be ashamed of?

^^ this is 100% true. My DS18 has had processing disorder diagnosed at 13. There are specific tests for it. He is not labelled, it’s his business. The diagnosis has given him an award of 25% extra time in his A levels and a quieter room for exams. The award has been taken to a top university where he is very happy and doing brilliantly studying sciences. This isn’t about intelligence it’s about a persons wiring and adjustments being made. I think you and your DH need to educate yourselves rapidly tbh. This seems to have a lot to do with your bruised parental egos.

OP, you're right in that there could be stigma, but your son doesn't have to tell everyone he has been diagnosed with something. He doesn't have to tell his future employers for example or his friends.

However, on the other hand, If he does have something that makes learning extra challenging for him, then getting a diagnoses and early assistance with learning how to deal with it, will give him a head start in life over those who didn't know.

A friend of mine has ASD and wasn't diagnoses till her late twenties. She struggled so much in school and could have done a lot better with support and some allowences made for having ASD.

Finally, if it turns out that your son is only struggling due to the circumstances and does not have anything that might cause him problems with learning, then at least you know and ruled it out. It might also go a long way toward improving the relationship with his teachers. They made a recommendation in the interest of helping him and it would be good to follow it. They may be inexperienced, but they do have an ecuddation in which situations like these undoubtedly would have come up.

By the way, there are thousands of students at university with ADD and all manner of mental disorder. Adjustments are made for them, support is provided. There are strict laws against discrimination with someone who has a disorder and the disclosure of a persons private medical information.

If your child can't sleep at night and hates themselves at 9 (I think, from your timeline?) that needs addressing.

Regardless of anything else, I think you should take them to the GP to discuss their mental health.

I do think an assessment would be valuable, because then if support is needed it could be put in place. As others have said, you don't need to disclose diagnoses all the time, and stigma is also reducing, all the time.