To wonder is there benefit in getting a label for my DS?

[Labelicious]

When my DS started school, he had such problems in the first term that by the end of it his teacher was recommending a referral for a “processing disorder.” However, he was young for his year which could have explained it, was responding very badly to their strategies (stickers etc) (both teacher and headmaster were inexperienced) and when he turned 5, things improved significantly. They never suggested similar after the first term and all of his teachers since then (4 years on) say he’s progressing well.
However, there are things that make me wonder. He’s a total daydreamer and often doesn’t hear his name being called (I was the same as a kid). His little just started school brother has himself fully dressed in the morning while eldest DS might have managed to pull off his pyjama top. He has often struggled with transitions eg going out on day trips - home is his favourite place. He can struggle socially (like me). He goes through intense interests where he develops encyclopaedic knowledge (again like me). He really struggles to go to sleep at night. I was reading a thread last night which says emotional disregulation is a symptom of ADHD - he can be an anxious child, if something goes badly he can get very very upset and says he hates himself, and he absolutely hates if he “fails” at something or feels he hasn’t done well to the extent he will avoid doing it (eg I think this is why he has never been a fan of doing sport with his class).
My DH would never consent to DS being assessed and having a “label”. When his teachers 4 years ago were suggesting an issue I did some reading and felt like ADD (inattentive) described me in so many ways. I mean, I probably don’t have it, but (through luck and circumstance) I’m the most senior lawyer in my organisation and I could NEVER have got there with that label - who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!
In my DH’s family, a sister and niece have diagnosed ASD and/or ADHD, brother suspected. My DH disapproved of my niece getting diagnosed. The adults have never really held down a job. I guess with my traits and my DH’s family traits it’s possible my eldest DC has something. My youngest is now very delayed talking and is similar in some ways to my eldest at that age (eg hates loud noises).
Should I forcefully insist my DS gets assessed? As I said the school are not currently suggesting it although his current teacher told me he told her he can’t sleep at night thinking about things, and hates himself (he couldn’t identify any of his (many)qualities during an exercise where he they had to name good things about themselves).
(Namechanged as identifying details)

@Labelicious

I hear what people are saying. However there was a professional on the thread earlier who said that it is not a myth that there is a stigma around ADHD/ASD and if not handled carefully, a diagnosis could negatively affect self-esteem. So I don’t think I’m being foolish in considering all potential ramifications. If a person is struggling in social situations, for example, how does a diagnosis actually help?

Well firstly they can understand why which has to be better than forcing yourself through it because you feel you should?

A diagnosis means someone can go some way to understand why they are as they are. A major step to boosting self esteem is actually understanding yourself and that can’t happen if your parents don’t help you do that.

But sadly attitudes like yours means too many are left to struggle

Reading back on the first post, this is a child of 9 who can't dress himself, who doesn't sleep at night, is anxious and can't handle failure, like staying at home and has been telling more than one person that he hates himself but you'd rather not explore why he feels/behaves in that way because you don't want to know if there is a problem- as it could affect his self-esteem.

You have a 9 year old who repeatedly says he hates himself but he is OK academically so everything is fine!
Wow.

If you're diagnosed and have self understanding it means you can pace yourself, so if you know a social situation it's coming up you can create space around it so you are ready not overwhelmed.
You can also guide other people with your knowledge, I know a teen who is so well versed in her capabilities she is hey own best advocate, whatever she goes she's clear what she's about and no one thinks she's weird because she is so good at placing herself where she needs to be and requesting what she needs. She has achieved this through self possession borne of understanding.

@Yamayo

Reading back on the first post, this is a child of 9 who can't dress himself, who doesn't sleep at night, is anxious and can't handle failure, like staying at home and has been telling more than one person that he hates himself but you'd rather not explore why he feels/behaves in that way because you don't want to know if there is a problem- as it could affect his self-esteem.

You have a 9 year old who repeatedly says he hates himself but he is OK academically so everything is fine!
Wow.

Indeed - poor kid is just not getting the help he needs from his parents.

It's perfectly possible to be in a high powered job and have a neurodivergent condition.

I achieved a degree and a master's, various professional and post graduate qualifications and was holding down professional roles (struggling and miserable but holding them down) before being diagnosed with autism in middle age.

I wish that I'd had my diagnosis sooner. It would have saved me a lot of self hatred and self blame and possibly I would've avoided the breakdowns and time off sick due to burnout.

If he's different, he'll be different whether you help him or not. It's really not fair not to give him the best chance of understanding himself.

I voted YANBU before I saw your second post so mine means that you should get him assessed, the sooner the better.

Not read the whole thread yet past page 3, but just wanted to say that as an adult getting diagnosed with adhd as an adult at the age of 36, I just so so wish I had been diagnosed earlier. I could have understood myself so much better, got treatment if needed and basically just not given myself such a hard time. I’ve achieved nothing (other than raise 3 kids, all with asd or adhd… challenging times! Lol) , and I suspect my Adhd is part of the reason why, I’m intelligent. very, but just not very good at knowing how to get to where I need to be. It makes me sad, I always thought there was something basically inferior about me, and I didn’t understand why. Now knowing I have Adhd explains so much, and I feel calmer knowing about it.
I also have asd and other mental health problems now like anxiety and bipolar (I question this) and I sometimes wonder if the adhd and asd was recognised sooner whether I’d ever have had these additional problems, I’m sure they came along due to the untreated adhd and asd (bipolar and anxiety only started in the last 2 years) but maybe I’m talking rubbish there lol

If I’d had the option to treat my Adhd earlier in life I strongly suspect I’d be in a very different place now and would have achieved more

Also a diagnosis doesn’t mean medication, but a diagnosis now does mean that your son would find it easier to go on medication later if he chooses too, as it’s ridiculously hard to get medication as an adult without a prior diagnosis! And there’s no adult adhd funding available at all in my area, and in the areas that there is funding, the waiting lists are years long.

If you had heart issues would you avoid going to the Dr to get a diagnosis & appropriate interventions so you're not labelled as a heart patient?

Professionals often talk crap OP.

@Whatayear2021

Not read the whole thread yet past page 3, but just wanted to say that as an adult getting diagnosed with adhd as an adult at the age of 36, I just so so wish I had been diagnosed earlier. I could have understood myself so much better, got treatment if needed and basically just not given myself such a hard time. I’ve achieved nothing (other than raise 3 kids, all with asd or adhd… challenging times! Lol) , and I suspect my Adhd is part of the reason why, I’m intelligent. very, but just not very good at knowing how to get to where I need to be. It makes me sad, I always thought there was something basically inferior about me, and I didn’t understand why. Now knowing I have Adhd explains so much, and I feel calmer knowing about it. I also have asd and other mental health problems now like anxiety and bipolar (I question this) and I sometimes wonder if the adhd and asd was recognised sooner whether I’d ever have had these additional problems, I’m sure they came along due to the untreated adhd and asd (bipolar and anxiety only started in the last 2 years) but maybe I’m talking rubbish there lol

You're not. Undiagnosed or unsupported asd and / or adhd have terrible outcomes. The level of mental health difficulties is so high as is the number of suicide / suicide attempts.

It's really sad when a person goes through that hell because nobody picked up on it when they were a child and they had to struggle through.
It is unforgivable when a parent knows/suspects / has it suggested to them that there is a disability but would rather put their child on that path because they think their child having the condition they have formally confirmed is so awful.

I hear what people are saying. However there was a professional on the thread earlier who said that it is not a myth that there is a stigma around ADHD/ASD and if not handled carefully, a diagnosis could negatively affect self-esteem. So I don’t think I’m being foolish in considering all potential ramifications. If a person is struggling in social situations, for example, how does a diagnosis actually help?

Ime, it's the condition and the negative labels from other people, that damage the self esteem; not the diagnosis!

DD has ADD and I could write a long list of all her problems with her executive functioning - forgetting appointments, losing things every day, the disorganisation, the inability to comprehend conversations/books/films, the hyper emotional states, the inability to understand instructions....and how they impacted her school work, her friendships, her relationships....They and the stupid comments by teachers, who called her scatty, etc, were what affected her self esteem while she was at secondary school, long before the diagnosis at about 22! (I first took her to the GPs for antidepressants to get her through her A levels)

It is also nonsense to say ND people can't succeed in the professions. DH has ADHD and OCD (exactly the same as DD, but hyperactive with it) - he became a partner in our profession, because he applies hyperfocus to his work, just as DD did to her degree, and she got a first (although the university made considerable reasonable adjustments)!

As an adult, it is up to them whether they disclose the diagnosis to anybody else! They don't have to!

who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!

The same people that hire you now! Why would you tell anyone?

It’s not a label, it’s a diagnosis.

If you want it investigated, you don’t have to push anyone. You need to go to the GP for a referral to paediatrics. Schools don’t diagnose.

The same people that hire you now! Why would you tell anyone?

Most of ordinary jobs won't ask, won't care. But something like military or police - will want to know.

If your son gets a diagnosis then he will get 25% extra time in exams which will give him the extra processing time he needs. From an educational perspective it may help him reach his full potential

If your son gets a diagnosis then he will get 25% extra time in exams which will give him the extra processing time he needs.

University is probably a long way off; but he would get way more help than that!

A diagnosis won’t automatically qualify you for extra time. An ehcp automatically qualifies (I believe, I know it does with sats I haven’t looked to GCSEs yet!) but otherwise it has to be applied for with suitable evidence of need

It's a diagnosis not a label.

I was that undiagnosed child (dx late 20s)

To grow up being different and not knowing why... it eats at your self esteem in ways you can't imagine. It's not good for mental health.

If you think he has it (he sounds just like me, ADD inattentive type) do him a favour and get him assessed.

Sorry, OP, but this is a really depressing read in 2021. Please, please, do yourself and your family a favour and read as much as you can about ADHD, its different forms and presentations, and most importantly its positives. When my DC (who sounds exactly like your son) was diagnosed, it was always a conversation about all the different brains in the world (which is itself a good talk to have with any child and helps build empathy for others) and now it's my DC's superpower. Yes, this thing might not be their strength ('and look, this other thing is something I really struggle with, we all have stuff we aren't brilliant with') but look how great their brain allows them to be at that! etc etc.

You say "if not handled carefully, a diagnosis could negatively affect self-esteem". So handle it correctly! Read up and talk to lots of people -- there's loads of great help here on the MN boards.

Stigmas are dissolved by open and honest informed conversation, not denial and shame. You may find your son isn't diagnosed, you may find he is. But you'll only get the best tools and support for him if you give him the chance to see what's in the toolkit.

Good luck to you and your DS

Your DH is being U on the diagnosis.

Difficulties in school without diagnosis = risk of limited support, behavioral labels, needs not met, MH issues etc etc

Diagnosis = the chance to fight for needs to be met, understanding of needs

We were told all ok with my son in school, no additional needs, we wouldn't get an EHCP etc etc. We knew as parents something wasn't right. My son has now diagnosed ASD and an EHCP in progress where it's likely he'll get a placement at a specialist school where he can thrive due to small class sizes and an adapted curriculum.

As a result of the diagnosis princess it was picked up he likely has a high IQ and so although was doing OK enough academically - his potential is much more.

We're a long way off - but he now has the chance to be supported and thrive.

Some children have a diagnosis and don't need the EHCP, but a good assessment is thorough so this you'll understand if you need to do more than the "standard" for your child.

Why would anyone put their head in the sand?

God I hate this "label" shite. It was fear of me being "labeled" that meant my parents didn't seek a diagnosis for me of a potentially fatal condition, thus letting me suffer needlessly. If your husband is happy to deny your child the advantages that a diagnosis brings just because he has some weird phobia of "labels" then he really needs to take a long hard look at his priorities.

Why are you mevle ting to get appropriate help for your child?

Neglecting

@Hesma

If your son gets a diagnosis then he will get 25% extra time in exams which will give him the extra processing time he needs. From an educational perspective it may help him reach his full potential

My son also gets typed notes for each class, he does approx half the homework (the goal is to answer enough questions to understand the topic), he gets help with working out how to tackle big projects, he uses an iPad rather than paper and pen, etc.

Since his diagnosis he's gone from averaging C-Ds and feeling like a failure, to averaging As with the very occasional B, and feeling like a success.

He gets himself up at 6.30am each day, gets himself off to school with everything he needs for both school and work. He sleeps fine. His anxiety has disappeared. He's a happy kid who no longer struggles to regulate his emotions. He has a ton of friends. He copes with setbacks. He hasn't lost his intense focus on things he's interested in, but he's now able to channel it into things that are going to lead to a satisfying career.

Why wouldn't the OP want similar for her child? She's obviously intelligent if she's a senior lawyer. She seems like she loves and cares for her son. Yet she's not smart enough to actually try to get her son the help he sounds like he desperately needs.

It baffles me. Poor kid.