To wonder is there benefit in getting a label for my DS?

[Labelicious]

When my DS started school, he had such problems in the first term that by the end of it his teacher was recommending a referral for a “processing disorder.” However, he was young for his year which could have explained it, was responding very badly to their strategies (stickers etc) (both teacher and headmaster were inexperienced) and when he turned 5, things improved significantly. They never suggested similar after the first term and all of his teachers since then (4 years on) say he’s progressing well.
However, there are things that make me wonder. He’s a total daydreamer and often doesn’t hear his name being called (I was the same as a kid). His little just started school brother has himself fully dressed in the morning while eldest DS might have managed to pull off his pyjama top. He has often struggled with transitions eg going out on day trips - home is his favourite place. He can struggle socially (like me). He goes through intense interests where he develops encyclopaedic knowledge (again like me). He really struggles to go to sleep at night. I was reading a thread last night which says emotional disregulation is a symptom of ADHD - he can be an anxious child, if something goes badly he can get very very upset and says he hates himself, and he absolutely hates if he “fails” at something or feels he hasn’t done well to the extent he will avoid doing it (eg I think this is why he has never been a fan of doing sport with his class).
My DH would never consent to DS being assessed and having a “label”. When his teachers 4 years ago were suggesting an issue I did some reading and felt like ADD (inattentive) described me in so many ways. I mean, I probably don’t have it, but (through luck and circumstance) I’m the most senior lawyer in my organisation and I could NEVER have got there with that label - who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!
In my DH’s family, a sister and niece have diagnosed ASD and/or ADHD, brother suspected. My DH disapproved of my niece getting diagnosed. The adults have never really held down a job. I guess with my traits and my DH’s family traits it’s possible my eldest DC has something. My youngest is now very delayed talking and is similar in some ways to my eldest at that age (eg hates loud noises).
Should I forcefully insist my DS gets assessed? As I said the school are not currently suggesting it although his current teacher told me he told her he can’t sleep at night thinking about things, and hates himself (he couldn’t identify any of his (many)qualities during an exercise where he they had to name good things about themselves).
(Namechanged as identifying details)

I currently support a lad in school (for a different, physical problem) who is being assessed at practically the end of his school career for ADHD (inattentive). He's a very intelligent young man full of ideas and humour who is likely to get grades that don't reflect this in any way. Many teachers dismiss him as hopeless and lazy. He's not. He's fab. He just has fallen massively behind with his learning and his confidence suffers. Time is short to develop strategies for coping with things like exams now. If he had had a diagnosis early, things could have been different, even if the only improvement would have been in his self esteem.

If he didn't have the help he has due to his other disability, he would sink without a trace.

I'm almost 32 and going through the process of being "labelled" with ADHD. Had I of been diagnosed as a child, I wouldn't have struggled as an adult. I could've had a career and I would've learnt my self worth. I struggle massively with concentration & and I don't always process info in the way a "normal" person does. I'm sure there are coping strategies for that but I feel like I'm quite late down the line.

Don't rule out your son ever been a senior lawyer or top of his game at work just because he may have a diagnosis of ADHD. Don't let him struggle all his life, help him now and it'll pay off later

If your child showed symptoms of diabetes, would you not take him to the gp for tests just in case he got a label of ‘diabetic’? Your dh is being an idiot. Ask the Senco at school to refer him to the speech and language service for assessment. I’m a Senco, and I’d be concerned about underlying issues with your ds.

Get him assessed so you can treat him properly and help him properly and get support where need be.
A diagnose is just that. A label i feel is what people judge perhaps? Is that what your dh is scared of? You don't have to go public with your diagnoses though.

I would worry he might see a label as self limiting, but I guess there are positive role models out there and it shouldn’t be seen as limiting. I do think there could be prejudice out there, you see it sometimes on threads here eg “I don’t want to invite my sister’s bf’s adhd child to my wedding”. He could be labelled as “the naughty kid” although he isn’t particularly. You can’t deny there will always be prejudice against those who are “different”. His low self-esteem could be caused by something else, eg his childcare wasn’t great as a baby/toddler and changed frequently (he struggled in some settings) which I feel guilty about.
Re substance abuse, that is certainly a worry, I would say being very heavy drinkers is probably a factor in DH and I being together, I was a known heavy drinker and many men wouldn’t have put up with it. Drinking helped to obliterate the fussy feeling in my head and eased my social anxiety (and was fun). I do have a steady side to me though and we both grew up following children, some in my DH’s side have not been so lucky. So it is certainly a worry.
When I say who would hire a lawyer with a condition which means difficulties in concentration - lawyers are meant to be good at detail! People might have the same prejudices for example against a medic even though hyper-focus and an exciting, fast paced environment might mean they’re great at their job - but neurotypical people might only see the label. I struggled for years in my job, if I do have ADD then I guess the hyper focus makes me good at exams and interviews but after a while the day to day becomes challenging. I moved to my current job which seems to have crises every week which I thrived on, I got promoted very quickly and being senior actually makes life easier. Although I do still struggle with, for example, concentrating on someone speaking.As I say, I don’t know if I have ADD, I definitely have traits (from what I’ve read).
I think my DH doesn’t like the idea of anything being “wrong” with his children, he says who’s normal anyway, he doesn’t think he’s normal or I’m normal or anyone really. He doesn’t like the idea of anyone assessing his children. My 2 year old hasn’t a word yet and he’s already objecting when I see we should really get DC to a speech and language therapist. He would really object if I said I was getting eldest DS assessed.

Having a label or not won't change the intrinsic feelings of feeling 'different' though, its not like these behaviours and ways of thinking won't exist if someone doesn't write it in black and white. It seems like his ego is overriding the thing that would be beneficial to his child, which would be to get assessed so if needed he can access support without having a fight to get diagnosed when he is older. Sounds pretty selfish really.

DS has diagnoses including ASD, referred at 7, diagnosed at 9 a couple of years ago.

He has the classic Aspergers type profile and is a typical male of his paternal family. In ND families, the "normal culture" can be generations of living and coping with undiagnosed diversity.

I clearly had my suspicions about DS and he did have relevant history such as SALT intervention, but I was stunned at how readily the consultant diagnosed him.

In many ways it's liberating from many of the little details in life. I don't put pressure on DS to socialise, it's fine for him to retreat to a corner. Yesterday in a busy motorway services, he got stressed at choosing lunch in the shop; twice we paused, I pulled him in for a hug, hands over his ears to give a calmer moment so that he could choose food without a meltdown. He's nearly 11 and up to my nose, but it's freeing to parent him as he is rather than stressing that he's not coping as a NT child of his age should.
Our habits have adapted to make his life easier. I wouldn't ordinarily want him to come home and bury himself in a screen, but that's what he needs, and we have fewer after school meltdowns for having a calm window of letting him immerse himself and no demamds made of him.

In school we can ask for reasonable adjustments. We very rarely have behaviour issues, but if one does occur, it's recognised that he's not being naughty, he's not coping and that does affect the consequences. He's also entitled to an enhanced transition to secondary school as a result of an unsucessful EHCP application.

What I do find is that his development opens and closes against "normal". At transition ages, it opens up and then he slowly catches up. Y2 opened the gap which was what led us to referral, but the early part of KS2 was more settled. Now in y6 it's opening up again.

A diagnosis doesn't change who he is, it explains who he is and allows us to make adjustments to help ease the challenges and let his strengths shine.

TBH if anyone does take umbrage about his diagnosis and deny him opportunities, it's a nice early twat filter that would spare him from working in intolerant organisations and it would be their loss, not his.

@Enquirer20 I didn’t see your post before I posted mine, and yes, that is exactly what I’m worried about. I do think there could be a stigma, you can see in how some people post or talk about people with neurodivergence.

As others have said, it's a diagnosis, not a label. You don't have to tell anyone about it unless you feel it will help. Only my doctor, DH and line manager know my Asperger's diagnosis. Nobody else needs to, even my family. DC1 has a diagnosis of ASD and it has been key to getting the support we need with school. Again, we don't broadcast it, he isn't introduced as Autistic-DC. When he's old enough to understand he can choose for himself whether he wants to be private about it or not.

As for your DH - what is he afraid of? Does he worry that he might receive a 'label', too? Does he see it as a confirmation of being 'weird' or 'different'? If he had those words applied to him as a kid/teenager the damage doesn't necessarily go away and I can understand him not wanting to have the next generation face the same thing. But the 'label' doesn't cause that to happen and, just maybe, having the 'label' might make things easier. Unfortunately people can be more accepting if there's an explanation for things like behaviour.

I would pursue this for your son - those feelings of failure I remember vividly from childhood and as an adult being able to understand that with a diagnosis has helped to take some of the pain and confusion away. And, who knows, learning his strengths, putting in strategies to manage the effects of a condition and making use of any support on offer might help him follow your footsteps and become senior in his own field.

It's not a label, I would see a diagnosis as a key to unlock and access support and advice. You get to chose who you share the info with so it cannot be used as a barrier e.g. in career choice and progression the way you describe.

My son is 8 and has been assessed with autism. You'd never know if you met him.. He is quirky but very bright in class and has friends. He seems to have largely outgrown the behaviours that led us to getting him assessed (lashing out at other kids, delayed speech, making silly voices, being fascinated with the Titanic).
I still question if the diagnosis is correct.. But it does no harm? He gets a movement break (just a ten minute break from class as a change in scenery) in school which he loves. He can go to a quiet corner if he wants.. He never does but I suppose just knowing he can helps? He's still the same child. I do understand where you are coming from OP.

My DS would probably meet criteria for ADHD. He even has the stereotypic motor movements to go along with it.

However, I don't want to label him. We've directed him into sports and age 9 he now swims 6 times a week (age 6 he was swimming 4 lessons a week to direct his energy!), does football and other sports too. It's been great for him. He is very settled, and although he does his motor movements at night.or when tired, they are not there much in the day and swimming has really helped him expend energy and slowly learnt to focus. He also has learnt to try and gather up all his things before and after and try and remember instructions etc.. which is all helping.

As long as he has a swim a day, he seems fine now!

If you don't want a label, don't get one. Your child is just less focussed and more dreamy than others etc.. that's ok! Try and direct him to activities that will support and help him and give him confidence.

A label is stigmatising and lifelong and implies there's something wrong with someone, rather than them just being different and having different talents.

If he doesn't have a neurodivergence then the assessment will come back to say so, they can't find what isn't there, so the fact your DH is so worried would indicate that he perhaps knows something isn't quite typical.

The assessment will help to get DS relevant support interventions and studies show that early interventions are the key to improving outcomes. Basically the sooner he is assessed, the better.

A label is stigmatising and lifelong and implies there's something wrong with someone, rather than them just being different and having different talents.

Its not a label, its a medical diagnosis.

My dc went from bottom of class to top class once starting adhd medication. We have open family.chats as all my kids have adhd and are on medication. They are getting to the point that they know when meds are wearing off or dosing isnt quite right as they can discuss how their brain feels.

Eldest says it a huge relief to take his meds as he feels he focus isnt pulled in 20 directions, he doesnt feel stupid as he can focus on something even when its boring.

As for speech intervention, earlier is better.

Your kid dont have to tell anyone he has add diagnosis or takes meds. Its his personal business.

I agree with your DH. Your child will think there is something wrong with him and he's different from other kids. Not going to do much for his confidence

I think my DH doesn’t like the idea of anything being “wrong” with his children, he says who’s normal anyway, he doesn’t think he’s normal or I’m normal or anyone really. He doesn’t like the idea of anyone assessing his children. My 2 year old hasn’t a word yet and he’s already objecting when I see we should really get DC to a speech and language therapist. He would really object if I said I was getting eldest DS assessed.

I think your DH is right. We are all different.

My nephew didn't speak til age 3 or 4. Now he is extremely bright (doing very well at school) and performs in the West end as a child actor - speaking away, singing, learning a LOT of lines! He has no speech and language therapy.

You sound overly anxious to me (fuelled by label loving and diagnosis pro Mumsnet), and your DH sounds quite level headed

OP, I'm sorry that you and your husband have seen negative experiences in your family with neuro-diversity.

Not seeking an assessment will more than likely lead to problems as your son grows up - he lives in a different time (different pressures, different school experiences) than we did and you can't leave it to chance that he will turn out as happy/ successful as you or your husband.

Getting an assessment may lead to a diagnosis, which will be the key to providing him support throughout his education. More importantly it will give him understanding about himself.

My autistic kids are now in university, they only received a diagnosis in their teens and we all so wish that help was sought and given earlier in their life. Your son's traits that you described are so familiar and indicative of something and if you can, I believe you should help your son. He needs you to advocate for him. He doesn't yet have the vocabulary to understand or describe his feelings.

Whether you, your husband or your son embraces a "label", the fact may be that he does have a condition. Having a diagnosis will just provide you all the opportunity to access any help available, it won't force him into any box.

Currently my kids have extra financial support through university (Disabled Students Allowance, even though one of mine hates the term disabled). Without a diagnosis, their learning experience would be even harder and probably impossible for them, university would not be manageable.

So please seek help for your son, and re-consider your attitude from his sake. God luck with it all

My daughter was diagnosed at 18. It gave her access to help at uni that she would not have had without it. It also gave her the choice to try medication (which has massively helped). I wish it had been picked up earlier whilst she was at school. Then she could have been “labelled” ADHD rather than being labelled “ disorganised, childish, disruptive, disinterested etc”. which is what various teachers have said over the years. If you are going to have a label it might as well be the correct one.

@TeaAndToastNameChange Totally agree. Mumsnet is obsessed with getting kids diagnosed with something!

A diagnosis can really help with your son’s self esteem. I know a number of people who were diagnosed in their teens, a lot of them suffered from low self esteem and said they hated themselves. Once they had a diagnosis, a better understanding of themselves, and specific coping strategies, they were happier people.

Yanbu to think of it as a diagnostic label.

It's just a diagnosis.

Any diagnosis is necessary where something impacts your everyday abilities to carry out tasks as it gives you protection under the equality act. That will matter when in employment.

And someone with asd, adhd, dyspraxia etc doesn't cease to have those things because they aren't diagnosed. They tend to suffer horrific MH issues because they don't understand why life is so hard for them and don't understand themselves.

Do you want your ds to have all the help that they can? Then get him diagnosed!

My ds is at university now, and loving it, but would not be there without his aspergers diagnosis. Not having him diagnosed is selfish, and limiting for him. You would be restricting his future chances

Its not a label, its a medical diagnosis.

We do way too much medicalising of behaviour in this country. If you don't fit the norm we diagnose you and we pump medications down you so you fit in. ADHD meds don't help the child - they help the school, the parents and others to have a less energetic child.on their hands.

A famous ballerina was told she had ADHD as a child and the psychiatrist wanted to start her on meds. What did the parents do? - they said no. They took her out of her mainstream school where she wasn't fitting the mould because she couldn't sit still and they sent her to a school where she could run freely and she learnt ballet, and the rest is history. If the psychiatrist had got his way, her life would have been very different

Let's appreciate individual difference and stop medicalising everything and prescribing pills to keep everyone subdued.

Let me give you an example of self limiting.

That's a societal thing and it's not perfect but it's changing.

My ds has a neurological degenerative condition and is a swimmer. Watching Para Olympics has helped him see there isn't a limit to what he can do - there is always your own personal goals and not to compare them against others or able bodies people. He is also autistic and his condition is rare and only 1 other para swimmer with it and 8 para Olympians with it over the whole world.

This weekend he has an assessment by para swimming to see if he qualifies. Being autistic he knows this won't hold him back as he watched what Reece Dunn did this Olympics.

A diagnosis doesn't define you and isn't a prognosis. It's an identity that just explains how your brain or body works.