To wonder is there benefit in getting a label for my DS?

[Labelicious]

When my DS started school, he had such problems in the first term that by the end of it his teacher was recommending a referral for a “processing disorder.” However, he was young for his year which could have explained it, was responding very badly to their strategies (stickers etc) (both teacher and headmaster were inexperienced) and when he turned 5, things improved significantly. They never suggested similar after the first term and all of his teachers since then (4 years on) say he’s progressing well.
However, there are things that make me wonder. He’s a total daydreamer and often doesn’t hear his name being called (I was the same as a kid). His little just started school brother has himself fully dressed in the morning while eldest DS might have managed to pull off his pyjama top. He has often struggled with transitions eg going out on day trips - home is his favourite place. He can struggle socially (like me). He goes through intense interests where he develops encyclopaedic knowledge (again like me). He really struggles to go to sleep at night. I was reading a thread last night which says emotional disregulation is a symptom of ADHD - he can be an anxious child, if something goes badly he can get very very upset and says he hates himself, and he absolutely hates if he “fails” at something or feels he hasn’t done well to the extent he will avoid doing it (eg I think this is why he has never been a fan of doing sport with his class).
My DH would never consent to DS being assessed and having a “label”. When his teachers 4 years ago were suggesting an issue I did some reading and felt like ADD (inattentive) described me in so many ways. I mean, I probably don’t have it, but (through luck and circumstance) I’m the most senior lawyer in my organisation and I could NEVER have got there with that label - who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!
In my DH’s family, a sister and niece have diagnosed ASD and/or ADHD, brother suspected. My DH disapproved of my niece getting diagnosed. The adults have never really held down a job. I guess with my traits and my DH’s family traits it’s possible my eldest DC has something. My youngest is now very delayed talking and is similar in some ways to my eldest at that age (eg hates loud noises).
Should I forcefully insist my DS gets assessed? As I said the school are not currently suggesting it although his current teacher told me he told her he can’t sleep at night thinking about things, and hates himself (he couldn’t identify any of his (many)qualities during an exercise where he they had to name good things about themselves).
(Namechanged as identifying details)

Also there is now a lot of evidence to suggest that many undiagnosed with adhd and/or autism as adults have many issues.

There is an increase in mental health problems.

An increase in substance abuse

An increase in involvement with crime

Struggles to hold down a job

There is a disproportionate amount of prisoners who it turns out have had unmet needs due to ADHD/autism.

By not seeking a diagnosis and allowing your son to understand who he is your really not helping him.

I find your attitude worrying. You say you do many of the things he does, daydreamer, not answering to name, socially awkward. But then you say you don't have. You probably do! Or some traits.
Where do you think dc get their traits and personalities from? Most ASD or ADHD children, when you dig really deep, most of their parents have traits.

And you say a top lawyer firm would hire him? But they hired you. Why wouldn't they hire him?

It's not a label, it's a diagnosis. and if there are issues he will need help all the way through school, may need extra time in exams if he has processing problems. Getting the support you need for a non-neurotypical child can help if you do have a diagnosis. it makes you all aware of what minor changes everyone needs to make in your families lives to facilitate his progress.

Whether your DS gets assessed or not, he will still be who he is. The difference is with a diagnosis he can access support. I would be insisting on it.
It’s not a label, it’s a diagnosis. There’s no use pretending he doesn’t need assessment and support if he does, that will only hold him back.

It’s not a ‘label’.

If your child had a physical disability you’d want it diagnosing and support, so why is it different because you can’t ‘see’ it?

A diagnosis is to benefit your child, to help access support in school and potentially when he’s older. It’s hard enough trying to get support for a child without a diagnosis so why are you limiting his options? Why is your DH willingly going to let him struggle because he doesn’t want him ‘labelled’?

I’ve never seen my child autism diagnosis as a negative because it’s there to help him and for us to access support. For example with school, he needs x y & z in the classroom because he’s autistic, and because he’s got that diagnosis it enables us to push for the right help.

If your child has ADD or ADHD they will have it regardless of a diagnosis, it doesn’t go away because you chose to ignore it. What you’re choosing to do is not help him.

Your child can’t sleep at night and hates himself.

Because he knows that there is something. He knows he is not like the other kids.

He needs to know that this is ok. You can tell him till you are blue in the face but having an actual diagnosis will help him process it so much more. And learn strategies to help himself.

It’s not a label. It’s a diagnosis.

One of DC (bright now progressing well and

YABU to consider it a label.

It's a diagnosis. A diagnosis that can lead to understanding and support in order to enable your child/ren to achieve their full potential, whatever that may be.

Although to add, support is needs based and not dependent on a diagnosis. Do your children have support in place currently?

@Peridot1

Your child can’t sleep at night and hates himself.

Because he knows that there is something. He knows he is not like the other kids.

He needs to know that this is ok. You can tell him till you are blue in the face but having an actual diagnosis will help him process it so much more. And learn strategies to help himself.

It’s not a label. It’s a diagnosis.

I agree with this. My DS considered himself stupid against his peers. It was destroying him.

Oops sorry hit post too soon
DC now doing well got to a phase in primary school where he was saying he was stupid, getting very frustrated etc. I could see him start to really disengage which was heart breaking as he was the most inquisitive child.
His 'label' helped him understand himself and the way he needed to approach things. He's now going from strength to strength and doesn't call himself stupid.
You all need to understand what makes your boy tick and how best to support him, a thorough assessment would help with this diagnosis or not...

I shared the same view as your husband. When I looked into it, I also have ADHD and the things that I thought made me good at my senior level job like hyper focus, are pathologists which upset me.

My children each received a diagnosis in their teens when I got my head around it. Each was immediately relieved and much happier. Each was happier to be a normal kid with ASD/ADHD then when they were a kid with ASD/ADHD masking and trying to be neurotypical.

• not pathologists, pathologised.

@Mumoblue

Whether your DS gets assessed or not, he will still be who he is. The difference is with a diagnosis he can access support. I would be insisting on it. It’s not a label, it’s a diagnosis. There’s no use pretending he doesn’t need assessment and support if he does, that will only hold him back.

^^ This, in spades.

I do get it - my son is autistic and it took a lot of getting my head round to start with. But he is autistic, and would still be autistic had I refused to listen to his Reception teacher, only he wouldn't be getting the extra help he needs. La la la la I can't hear you is not the grown-up way.

@SheWoreYellow

I would say it’s the opposite, in that it opens doors to getting help they need.

Why would you tell an employer about ADD, unless you wanted to?

I would go to the GP for both. You may want to consider ASD too. There is a greater chance of having one if you have the other and the sensitivity to loud noises would be a flag for that.

This.

And Please OP try to realise how offensive the term 'label' is.

@Clymene

Actually depends on the job, dd had to for the navy, and also her sisters plethora of medical conditions.

My Ds didn't get his autism diagnosis until he was 15. Sirzy is right an earlier diagnosis is better. Ds now has complex mental health difficulties and is probably going to need a specialist college placement. I think things may have been different, had he been diagnosed and supported when he was younger.

Your attitude is so old-fashioned. Would you call a cancer diagnosis a label? Or a diagnosis that enables someone to receive potentially life-saving treatment? How about a broken leg?? Wouldn’t want to label that, it might mean you end up in a cast! Oh dear, you’re blind? Don’t be labeled, you’ll be discriminated against if everyone knows! Just carry on struggling and hope for the best!

Don’t you see how ridiculous that all sounds? A diagnosis is a key that unlocks support, help and legal protection from discrimination (disability is a protected characteristic and if eligible for an EHCP, this is a statutory provision that the child is legally entitled to have yo support them through education up to the age of 25).

I am a teacher and a parent of two children with additional needs. The attitude of “oh I don’t want my child labeled” is one that I find offensive, infuriating and damaging.

If professionals have recommended assessment, please take on board their advice and get the ball rolling!

My mother's friend has a son who had a speech delay and got speech therapy, his parents never pursued any further help for him. He has struggled all his life to focus and to fit in, he was frequently in trouble at school because other pupils found him easy to manipulate. His level of functioning was too high for his parents to see that he needed help but too low for him to feel good about himself or ever really thrive at anything. He's now in his thirties and deeply embittered, I don't think he'd pursue a diagnosis for himself as all he's ever known are closing doors.

If your child needs help don't deny them it because of a misplaced sense of pride or a worry about labels. My mother's friend's son didn't get a diagnosis but he has definitely been labelled a fool by a lot of people in his life.

I can honestly say it's only a positive thing. My sons ADHD diagnosis has validated everything I thought for years and given me more confidence to fight his corner. He's given more grace and understanding in school now and in fact I feel like he's lost the 'label' of naughty/disruptive. We've joined some amazing support groups for ADHD/Autism and are part of a really lovely community now. It's honestly just made things better. I realised - at 37, that I also have adhd and recently got my diagnosis. It was a big relief and now feel like I can forgive myself for some of the things I always felt terrible for. I can't speak for everyone but I think most neurodivergent people feel their diagnosis is an important part of their identity and if you don't fit into the neurotypical mould, isn't it better to know? My perception has changed a lot and I genuinely believe there are just different types of brains and there is no right or wrong. Unfortunately our society is just tailored more to one type.

Have you explored how your son feels about this? Does he feel he struggles more than his peers with some aspects of school? Is he interested in getting help?

Given he sounds like he is really struggling with self-esteem, there could be merit (should funds permit), in having a couple of private sessions with a child psychologist, to see what support/strategies might help now, and get their reflections on possible next steps, including seeking a referral from your GP for an assessment (which may have s long waiting list?)? Good luck to you and your family .

Give your DH this thread to read.

I'm 50 with a DS diagnosed finally 🎉 this year as hyperactive type and myself as a result of this, as inattentive type ADHD.

Life is a struggle with my DS but having had the door opened to the world of neurodiversity I wouldn't go back to the other side not knowing. Understanding it has helped my relationships with so many others who I now accept for who they are because neurodiversity is everywhere and it shouldn't be seen as a negative thing.

I’m the most senior lawyer in my organisation and I could NEVER have got there with that label - who would hire a lawyer with inattentive ADD!

Emmmm what the actual fuck?!

YABVVVVU

He sounds very similar to my dd. We are in the process of diagnosing the issue because :

1. Knowing your own strengths and weaknesses makes it easier to manage your life and approach situations taking into account the qualities you possess. You are bumbling along in the dark puzzled why other people find things easier, you can also identify positive role models.
2. Primary school is much easier on these issues. At secondary school there are more transitions and requirements to switch attention etc and it is at this stage a child like your ds and my dd can flounder, potentially switch off from education or just feel like they are sinking without support. Secondary schools are much less personal and without a diagnosis you raising your concerns over any difficulties he may have can much more easily be seen as you being a fussy parent whereas a diagnosis gives them a handle on what simple interventions can make the world of difference. I. E my dd would appreciate being first/early in class to get settled.
3. You share your diagnosis with who you choose, you don't have to tell an employer unless you want to.

Aren't bumbling along, that should say

It’s wonderful to see so much support for neuro diversity on this forum. However, I do think the OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time for questioning whether everyone would be as inclusive as people on here.

I work in children’s mental health and can/do diagnose Neurodevelopmental conditions. Many young people are sensitive to feeling different for their peers and many DO see diagnoses as labels that highlight difficulty and set them apart from peers. Unfortunately, there is still a lot of stigma around neurodevelopmental conditions and young people pick up on that.

These are not necessarily reasons to not be diagnosed (as others have said, there are lots of benefits), but they do need to be considered. Any diagnosis will likely have an impact on how a young person sees themselves and sometimes this can be harmful to someone’s sense of self-worth and confidence.

OP, I think you are therefore very sensible and thoughtful to look at this from all angles. I would probably recommend seeking assessment if you think you’re child is struggling as more help/adaptations come with diagnoses. Hopefully, over time, this support will empower your child rather than be a negative thing. However, I think it’s important to discuss with the assessor how your child might view the diagnosis and how to help them build any diagnosis into their identity in a positive way. There are also lots of resources for this online.

Forewarned is forearmed, know what you're dealing with and it's far more likely you will put in place constructive coping mechanisms based on sound understanding, not maladaptive coping mechanisms based on self loathing (your ds).