Why are you obese?

[Beautybunny]

I have been following a fab thread regarding others not being obese. Lots of posters that are obese have commented that the strategies other have don't work for them. I have tried many diets, acupuncture, fasting, diet pills etc. In my adult life I have been a size 8 and a size 22. Food and wine are my comfort in unhappy times. I have a nutrition qualification and am a very competent cook. I was also a vegetarian for years. I like my veg. Never had a weight problem until I had my children. Their births were followed by a harrowing law suit and then a bereavement. I have lost weight on and off in the last twenty years but generally I have been fat and getting fatter as I now take steriods for RA. I also have an under active thyroid. I find slimming groups difficult as the logic can be a bit bonkers (mashed banana is a syn etc). I also work away so the personal trainer approach is not convenient. Has anyone used a good therapist /weight loss guru? I know my weight is my amour against attack, it started in my childhood. If I have a shitty employer I put on weight, conversely I had a great one in 2016/17 and lost two stone naturally. I would love any suggestions.

@Crunchymum
I have been amazed by everyone's stories. I might start a Facebook support group!
I belong to one that helps families with kids not in school. Saved my sanity many a time.
I posted once about an abusive landlord. Jesus, I was the scum of the earth for daring to question his behaviour. Tenants had the audacity to want a safe house. He was cautioned this year for stalking me. Next time chokey!
All adds to the pot of needing food to survive/ deal with shit.
I can't say I feel fat and fabulous because I don't but I am lucky to have a kind husband and a few great friends. I also have handbags to die for, because ladies, they always fit!

If you start a FB group, PM me the details please.

I have a DP who tries and the kids drive me mad most of the time but I do manage to see the positives. Life isn't too shabby.

I also know that "I" am still there. The me I used to love (a lot more) still exists. I want to find her again and reconnect with her.

I'm obese due to steroid medication and mobility issues. It's totally shit because a few years ago (when I wasn't on the meds and my disease wasn't being a complete twat, so I could move a bit more) I found what was, for me, the only way I've ever lost weight and kept it off for any length of time. Basically just putting everything I ate into My Fitness Pal, allowing a 'target' of 1600cal a day (some days I'd eat less, Fridays and Saturdays a little bit more so it all balanced out). 8000 steps a day when I was able (three or four times a week). I went from a size 24 to a 14 about 8 months and kept it off for 3 or 4 years.

Unfortunately now I'm an 18/20 again and praying I don't get any bigger. Damn you, illness.

@Sunshinealligator

I have thought about this a lot since my last post and reading others experiences, especially about putting on weight through lockdown.
I lost weight and got fitter through the first lockdown and initially I put that down to being furloughed and therefore my body being able to have a more 'normal' routine as opposed to nights all the time. Actually I think I was actually happier during lockdown, I got things sorted that were falling further and further behind, I had time for some lovely long walks with the dog and DD, I got the majority of my garden sorted, decorated with stuff I'd had for months but never had the time to do. There were financial worries that came with being furloughed, but I had the time to process and deal with them and make plans, after the first few weeks of uncertainty about if I was getting anything and from where, I kind of accepted it and as I think I'd done nothing 'wrong' to be in that situation, and there was nothing I could do about it, I just accepted the situation for what it was and made the best of it. I've always struggled financially and always felt I wasn't good enough and that was why and ate to comfort myself.

The weight went back on when I went back to work and dealt with some truly nasty and horrible people (even for working in hospitality!) and crazy shifts again. Plus access to restaurant food constantly!

Something I've also realised is that like the cliché I lose my appetite in the first 'throes' of a new possible relationship, and after a bad relationship a few years ago I stopped even finding anyone attractive, I gave up completely and I think I allowed food to fill that spot. Thinking now I genuinely don't know if I'm happy single and not looking or kidding myself I'm not bothered because I've accepted food being a substitute. Anyone relate?

@Maverickess

Food loves us, I get that. Through Ill health my husband is not as interested in the old one two, so I eat instead. However he does love me even though he alludes to me being as mad as a bag of frogs!
When I lose a bit of weight I might take up power lifting. Gives the same endorphins apparently. Even if you think no one will fancy you, you would be surprised. There is a lid for every pot. Wink at the postman, be chatty at the supermarket. There are some nice men out there. Not all want skinny minnies.

I'd love to join your Facebook group !

I have always just adored food . I dream about it, and when it is available I eat until it's all gone . I've been overweight most of my life, except from when I was a teenager until I had my first child ( I basically starved myself for that time period ).

I'm also fortunate to have a lovely husband - he thinks ( and often tells me) that I am the perfect woman. Which is really wonderful to hear ! I also dress well for my size, and I have lots of handbags and shoes which always fit perfectly .

I agree with you that there is a partner for everyone, no matter what your size. I know we are indoctrinated to think that if you're large, you won't find anyone, but it is obviously untrue. You only have to look around you at the supermarket or the high street, to see big people with partners and families. I've had two lovely husbands who think / thought I was great - there is someone for everyone.

So ladies let us have a name for our obese ladies support group (I get there are big chaps who are desparately unhappy) but personally I am not the person to facilitate the discussion with them.
Obeseies against the world? That sort of thing. I am sure we can one up with something.

I don’t know what to call the group but I’m in!

I’m an intelligent, capable, measured middle aged woman but I am completely hobbled by my emotional eating which is a handy way of trauma blocking. I drive myself crazy - there’s the sensible version of me that has all the qualifications (I’m a sensible solicitor for goodness sake!) who knows I just simply have to stop eating in the way that I do and then there’s the sad, traumatised, lonely, bereft, grieving part of me that doesn’t care - that part just wants that moment of joy which comes from eating ever-escalating levels of crap. Even though that part knows the joy might be only a second or two and then the self-loathing starts. I haven’t looked at a full length mirror in over 5 years now - every year it’s been my New Year’s resolution to look in a mirror. Not achieved it yet.

Unmumsnetty hug to you all.

And a big hug for @sunshinealligator - I am so sorry that happened to you

If you already know that wine makes you eat lots, then it’s kind of clear what you need to do to start

most of us know what's good and bad for us but stopping is the hard part.

@Neverthecornflakegirl

I don’t know what to call the group but I’m in!

I’m an intelligent, capable, measured middle aged woman but I am completely hobbled by my emotional eating which is a handy way of trauma blocking. I drive myself crazy - there’s the sensible version of me that has all the qualifications (I’m a sensible solicitor for goodness sake!) who knows I just simply have to stop eating in the way that I do and then there’s the sad, traumatised, lonely, bereft, grieving part of me that doesn’t care - that part just wants that moment of joy which comes from eating ever-escalating levels of crap. Even though that part knows the joy might be only a second or two and then the self-loathing starts. I haven’t looked at a full length mirror in over 5 years now - every year it’s been my New Year’s resolution to look in a mirror. Not achieved it yet.

Unmumsnetty hug to you all.

I could have written this, even down to the job. This is the one area of my life I have no control over. It consumes me.

A group? I'm in.

I have no idea of a good group name but I’d be in! I need to stop my binge eating because it’s got out of control, I need accountability but I’m too ashamed to talk to anyone from real life about it.

@BabyAlexander

I gained 7st in my last pregnancy due to not being able to walk and the only thing stopping the nausea was eating. Since then I developed binge eating disorder and I have a wide array of physical and mental health issues which make dealing with my weight very difficult, especially as a side effect of my tablets is weight gain, but if I don't take my medication ill end up in a mental health unit.

@Neverthecornflakegirl
And @BabyAlexander

It doesn't make sense really does it?
Big jobs, big money, still like the big scoff. Personally I think I would not work well with WLS so I haven't tried that. Hypnotherapy doesn't work on me, a much too active mind.

I have been designing a Facebook page this afternoon. I think it could be helpful however I have to out myself so I will send private messages when I am ready to go.

I use to think mumsnet was all lovely Boden and nappy cream. Ha, can be vicious even if you ask perfectly reasonable questions. Once you reach middle age we are supposed to have all the answers. Fat(no pun intended) chance of that.
In the words of Bridget Jones 'I choose Champers (vodka) and Chaka Kahn.'
I will be in touch.

Can I just say it’s been so good reading everyone else’s comments. I know this is painful but… I don’t feel alone. And so much of the obesity conversation i perceive to be “you must be stupid to be so fat” that I have always, always thought that of myself, despite what other people would regard as external evidence (career, “in control”, highly organised sort of person) to the contrary.

I just feel so so stupid that every day I can’t stop myself making stupid choices about food.

@Driposaurus

Food addiction is the mother of all evils I think. As you have said many highly educated ladies have responded. I have had an interesting day. Went shopping and bought the food I like, fish, fruit and champers! My husband added in puddings but I don't touch them. I shall eat my fish this week and I am nursing a glass of fizz now. I don't usually buy what I want but today I did. I pay, I say. My daughter and son can get their own! It felt good.

@Thornrose I was super slim all my life and had to take antipsychotics for a short period and put on a stone a month I've still, after years of being off them, not lost even half of it. They changed my body more than my pregnancies.

I don't know what your daughter is on but some antipsychotics are better than others for fewer weight gain side effects. I found aripiprizole didn't make me gain weight but quetiapine was terrible for it. Maybe she could have a medication review?

@Beautybunny True what you say about spending money on diet things. I first went to WW when I was about 14, I think. I had problems, even then. I danced two nights a week, played hockey, was doing GCSE PE, cycling to school... So I was plenty active. But the food I ate was so bad. I've been on and off WW, SW, MFP premium, diet tablets, diet drinks, Slim Fast...

I know I just need to easy better, but then I'm out and I'll grab a lovely latte and then usually have a muffin with it and suddenly I've bought a load of crap to eat at home, sitting in front of the computer or TV.

I've started CBT for depression and it's making me realise that by sitting around, I'm depressing myself because things don't get done, or I get stressed because I "haven't had time" to get things done. When I'm actual fact a large part of my day involves sitting and eating. So I'm trying to change my physical behaviour in the hope they improve the mind.

It's a relief to hear others struggle too, though I wouldn't wish my struggles on my worst enemy.

. I found aripiprizole didn't make me gain weight but quetiapine was terrible for it. Maybe she could have a medication review?

I agree with this. I've tried quetiapine and olanzipine, both made me gain weight. Since going on aripiprazole I've lost 18lb

@KatherineofGaunt

I feel some sort of counselling would help me too. I have plenty to do at home but like you I read magazines or chat to friends.

Interestingly this thread will not attract thousands of replies because it is not a MN demographic. However it did attract more than the flip thread of why aren't you obese.
?
If it has helped someone that is great. It has helped me. I asked my best friend if she thought I was 'padding up' against male bullies and she said yes! I will use this thought when I start my therapy.

@Driposaurus

Can I just say it’s been so good reading everyone else’s comments. I know this is painful but… I don’t feel alone. And so much of the obesity conversation i perceive to be “you must be stupid to be so fat” that I have always, always thought that of myself, despite what other people would regard as external evidence (career, “in control”, highly organised sort of person) to the contrary.

I just feel so so stupid that every day I can’t stop myself making stupid choices about food.

This resonates a lot with me too. I’m well educated, I’ve got a good career, I have no “excuse” for being obese and that’s a big part of the self loathing.

@LadyOfLittleLeisure she is on Risperidone. She has had meds reviews but they don't seem to want to get her off it!

She has capacity so I don't get a say or attend her medical appointments. The plan was always to start to reduce them when she has a long period of stability. That never seems to happen.

She has autism and went through a MH crisis was put on meds and never got off them.

Her thyroid must be having an impact too. Sadly the Risperidone also contributes to the thyroid issues, it's such a vicious circle for her.

I would love to join your facebook group please.

Reading this thread has been enlightening, I too am attempting to love myself with food, due to never having felt loved in real life - abusive childhood etc.
I'm not sure how I stop doing that but I really need to try. I hate the way I look right now and any confidence I had has gone completely.