Why are you obese?

[Beautybunny]

I have been following a fab thread regarding others not being obese. Lots of posters that are obese have commented that the strategies other have don't work for them. I have tried many diets, acupuncture, fasting, diet pills etc. In my adult life I have been a size 8 and a size 22. Food and wine are my comfort in unhappy times. I have a nutrition qualification and am a very competent cook. I was also a vegetarian for years. I like my veg. Never had a weight problem until I had my children. Their births were followed by a harrowing law suit and then a bereavement. I have lost weight on and off in the last twenty years but generally I have been fat and getting fatter as I now take steriods for RA. I also have an under active thyroid. I find slimming groups difficult as the logic can be a bit bonkers (mashed banana is a syn etc). I also work away so the personal trainer approach is not convenient. Has anyone used a good therapist /weight loss guru? I know my weight is my amour against attack, it started in my childhood. If I have a shitty employer I put on weight, conversely I had a great one in 2016/17 and lost two stone naturally. I would love any suggestions.

I am morbidly obese for a whole multitude of reasons:

• Arthritis, off my feet for 6 months before finding effective treatment.
• steroids whilst I was inactive
• emotional eating
• overindulgence with alcohol
• depression
• anxiety
• utter soul destroying grief and despair after very sudden death of my mum.

All of this - arthritis included - was triggered by the birth and subsequent diagnosis of disabled DC3.

I've got quite a lot going on. Not even sure where to begin!!

Comfort eating chocolate when sad or hormonal.
Boredom.
Eating shit when too busy or tired to cook healthy.
Not excersising enough.

Lack of meaningful exercise, bad diet, and the fact I am on anti-psychotics known for horrendous weight gain means the odds are stacked against me anyway.

Some of what you say really resonates @Beautybunny

Especially the whole 'self harm' aspect.

Everyday I wake up and hope this is the day I can finally get my massively fat arse in gear and it never is.

I am caught in a cycle of self loathing. What is the point of even trying when I am such a mess?

Yet I need to be fit and healthy (aka thin) as I'm responsible for a disabled child and I need to be alive for as long as possible.

I'm obese because I like food. No unhealthy childhood/traumatic events/activity limiting illnesses/appetite inducing drugs...

I just like food a lot. All types of food including junk food. I eat loads of junk because I like the taste. When I'm not eating it, I crave it, so Ineat some more.

This is why all the 'trying to get to the bottom of it', has failed for me. There are no underlying issues. I just like food a lot.😔

I used to be obese, now I’m a healthy weight. My problem was simple : I loved food & booze more than I loved exercise.

I’m a bit of a foodie. DP is a fantastic cook, and I love eating all the yummy treats he produces. I don’t have a particularly sweet tooth, but I love red meat, cheeses of all kinds, bread, pasta, noodles etc etc. I even love vegetables! My real weaknesses, however, is beer. I just adore the stuff and I’m a bit of a beer geek. I always joked that if beer didn’t contain calories, I would be the same shape as Kate Moss. I bet she doesn’t enjoy a pint or three.

Losing weight entailed accepting the fact that I was obese because of the things I chose to put in my mouth. There was nobody else to blame, just me, and I was the only person who could sort myself out.

I will certainly read about this falllacy. Thank you.

Hi Op, like you & others I also struggle with my weight, I relate to so much of what is being said in this thread. My food issues are deeply rooted in trauma, it’s my crutch but I eat through any emotions, I do struggle with dysregulation though so I’m obviously using food to regulate my emotions. Your weight as armour comment really resonated with me.

To all who are struggling

Thank you to all the replied yesterday. I have spent years trying to work out why I over eat / drink. When I was a teenager I had a 'stop the bus figure'. I quite liked blokes (if you know what I mean) so that worked well. I fell in love with one of them. He married someone else. I got fat for the first time. My very beautiful but constantly dieting mother took me to WW. Queue cycle of starvation. I was a size 12 when I met my husband (could have been bigger as in his culture big women are the norm). He liked me, I liked him. We got married. I started a new job and got bullied, again I put on weight. I got a job with another beauty house and bingo, I loved it. All the weight fell off. It stayed off for 11 years. I had a great time traveling the world. I then took a job with huge responsibility. I knew by then I couldn't have children. For me that wasn't a problem. However 'him upstairs had other ideas' I was pregnant within 8 weeks of joining the firm. The bullying started and they tried to push me out of my job. I held fast made them a fortune but sadly lost my job. I had to go to court and it took years. My second son died invetro and that happened after they lied about me on the witness stand. I was in court in maternity wear. It didn't stop the barstards abusing me. By this time I was about 5 stone heavier. I won my case but it cost me many, many jobs. The 'no smoke without fire' thing hurt my career. I just got fatter with every rejection. I had a very lovely daughter 18 years ago but developed rheumatoid arthritis. This was treated with steriods. Bang went any weight loss. My mother then died. I had nursed her. No work for me. Over the next decade we lost our home, were burgled, had cancer scares the list is endless. I worked in my industry as a consultant some years good, some years not so. All effect my weight. I have always enjoyed wine (I don't drink spirits). Its not the effect I like but the taste. I went to work for one firm in 2013 and met the worse boss I have ever had. A complete shit. Abusive, lying scumbag who called me fat and assumed I had an array of health conditions. The man looked like Columbo! 😁 I refused his new contract and left. He decided to bad mouth me and that stuck for years. My work has always been important to me as it was mine and mine alone. My mother was very controlling and I went against her wishes to work in my industry. It felt good! After I left the boss from hell I lost 4 stone, hoorah. However my lovely old dad became ill and I was his carer. No help from my siblings just abuse. I wore a very chic Boden dress to his funeral. Then the grief hit. I put on two stone in 9 weeks. Over the next few years I have added to it. I started my new job in June bushy tailed. I had every intention of dieting and looking fab. I met the colleague from hell. An utter shit again. Huge ego, poor people skills. He tried to get me to resign. I hung on in there with the support of my trusty grub! I love my staff but hate the culture. There must be something in this bullying man type figure that makes me overeat. I use my bulk like armour. I ain't frightened of anyone (but inside I am). Yesterday was a day of not overeating. Your advice helped me so much. I have put a request into a therapist. I think I need one! And if you have read all of this, God bless you. It needed to come off my ample chest! Have a good day.

I’m definitely an emotional eater. I have a complicated relationship with food, having been anorexic until I was 18. Doctors have said I’ve knackered my thyroid (but results are just on the NHS borderline for treatment); after having kids I have over doubled my 18 year old weight. In fact, if you take my lowest weight (just over 5st) it’s over triple.

I hate myself and have the self esteem of a trout (not the greatest childhood) so food has always been my mistress & my slave. It’s how I exert control over my life.

I have a shell that is funny, bold & brash, but inside I’m buggered. Add on a deteriorating spinal condition involving meds that pile weight & swelling on, and it’s an utter clusterfudge.

Part of my frustration is I was a very active person, like 4hrs sleep, multiple productions at the same time, plus my regular theatre job, plus A levels, pub, hockey etc, which ended with a bump when I got pregnant at 19 & didn’t have the most supportive boyfriend at the time.

So I turned to food.

Emotions aside, I know rationally it’s food in < calories out. I’m not daft. But when I’m having an extreme pain day, and your husband brings you a cuppa & sticky bun, I’ll stuff it in as I feel out of control with my pain, which sets off a self esteem/worthlessness cascading chain of thoughts.

I know a bloody good therapist might help, but affording it (even with my own biz) plus a disability that yields a working week that can be half the usual, it’s impossible.

And the NHS changing their threshold on thyroid results to the world average would be a bloody good start (my daughter has Hashimoto’s, she was only antibody tested & a full T4 and T3 panel - with a result over over 15k where the antibody test stops - due to the surgery over prescribing steroids as a teen by a now sacked GP & they were scrabbling to cover their bums in case of litigation). My twin & our Mum is the same, stuck on the borderline threshold, so there’s definitely a hereditary issue post childbirth.

And all that rubbish just feeds into the general ‘I’m not worthy’ feeling, so in go the gluten free crumpets.

Just reading this back, and being pretty intelligent- I got into Oxbridge ffs - my rational mind is saying, “You stupid woman, eat less, move more for crying out loud!”. But the emotional demon lurking behind is craving lovely, lovely sugar to fill a - from childhood - emotional black hole.

Bugger lol.

@Beautybunny

wow, that's quite a story there. and amazing self-awareness.
what you said about using your weight as armour - that's a real thing.
the fact that you recognise it will be immensely helpful in making better food choices.

well done, great job yesterday. keep going.
and the good news is that even if you slip it doesn't matter. the aim is not to be perfect but to have more good days than bad.
you are one strong woman and you can definitely do that ❤

@CentrifugalBumblePuppy

Christ on a bike are you my sister? (a lovely one not the old bitch I have got!). I went to Oxford, sadly doesn't make me slim but not exactly a thicko.
Food loves me, it sticks around. I have an underactive thyroid as did my dad. I know I have a form of PTSD from the court case. I had some legal trauma this year. Brought it all back. Out came the grub. I can pay for therapy until I tell the firm to stick their job up their bum post Christmas. I hate the discrimination too. Fat=stupid.

I was a slim child and slim teenager /young adult. Size 8/10. Walked everywhere, out all the time with friends, dancing, walking around etc.
Then I passed my driving test age 18 so the walking stopped. Age 21 moved in with my boyfriend. We had both come from families that were strict over food. My family were meat and 2 veg every night. No treats, no puddings, never had a take away ever. Boyfriends family were vegetarian and again no treats.
We went abit mad eating whatever we wanted. Had lots of take aways and fast food. Stuff that I'd never had before. I'd never eaten a burger until then!
I then went to work in an office which involved sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day. So a mixture of bad food and no exercise caused me to creep up to 15 stone. Then I had 2 pregnancies back to back and my body didn't really recover from that. I also had a back injury so my mobility reduced. This added a layer of metal health struggles due to a mixture of pain, and self hatred over my body. Have now crept up to 19 stone.
My biggest issue is that I can't seem to stick to diets etc because I use food as comfort and a mental crutch. When that is taken away I have no comfort at all and I feel like I'm serving a punishment or prison sentence. It feels like torture. It's just a loop that I'm stuck in

I know exactly why I am obese.

Trigger warning

I was sexually abused at a very early age, and one of my first memories was that after I was abused orally I didn't want to eat, I was tearful and my mouth hurt. My mum got angry, and it was a punishment that the food was taken away, at that time my abuser was piling in, telling my mum I'd been a little shit all day. He was shouting, she was shouting, I was crying and I remember just feeling that no one would help me.

Ever since that experience, it's like having food has been hardwired into my brain as safety.
If I feel anxious, I eat and I eat. I'm unstoppable. If I feel sad, food fixes it. If I'm happy, good friend food is there.

I've been diagnosed with binge eating disorder, I don't think it'll ever change.

1. I never exercise
2. I eat processed and high fat food
3. I eat out regularly (and choose high fat/processed food)
4. I rarely eat fresh veg/fruit
5. I eat large portions
6. I snack in between meals
7. I don’t drink enough water
8. I love potatoes, white bread & pasta
9. I’m not particularly concerned about how others view me
10. Food is my comfort. Certain types of food give me a sense of well-being (ironically). I enjoy the feeling ‘comfort’ food gives me. I don’t get the same sense of well-being by doing exercise, looking good, clothes etc.

@Cantcook842

I think reading this thread you will see you are not alone. I can waffle on a bit but it is the most useful question I have asked for years. (I did change my name a few weeks back due to MNetters that are abusive). And God help us if anyone admits to be addicted to food, darling! However I have mindfully ate these two days (I hate that term, but I mean I have thought about my food). I have just had porridge which I couldn't make as it was my late dad's favourite. Silly really. Tis just food. I think another poster said it is the bitch of all addictions as we have to eat. I am off to Marks for the chicken/mushroom/ rice and veg soup. Best ever. 400 calories. Fills me up and tastes fab. Will be my lunch. I can't do half a carton. It's too delicious. I shall freeze some pots too.
I am having some therapy next week but I think all the insights have really helped me. If you can bear read them. Good luck x

@Sunshinealligator

I am sorry for your trauma. Is this the first time you have outed that history?

I had a family toucher! Later a bully.
I think his abuse lead to my over eating. He left me alone when I was fat. Any bullying men I can't deal with.

My diet is fine but I like wine and I don't get nearly enough exercise. Lockdown did me no favours. I went from an overweight size 14 to an obese 16-18. It did make me realise that all those years of trying to get under a size 14, whilst not working, was probably what was keeping my weight steady. As soon as I stopped trying (in Lockdown) the weight piled on.

Sorry didn't rtft. to everyone who has suffered trauma. I wish people who are critical of others because of their weight would take a long look at themselves.

@LoisWooookersonsLastNerve

We never know whats been going on for these poor souls do we? Least we judge and all that.
I suspect that must people on this thread have paid thousands in diet products and clubs but what they really need is someone to talk to. Shit happens and most people don't get trauma causes mental health issues for the vast majority of us. And don't get me started on crappy school experiences.

I am sorry you had to namechange OP.

I suppose some people are "just greedy" but I truly believe that the vast majority of people who are obese, have something else going on. Food is an answer / solution to something in their life. Whatever that may be....

I am ashamed of being so fat. I am not ashamed of any of the reasons I got here though.

@Crunchymum

Thanks. I didn't want to name change but I had one poster who was really nasty. I think i had met her in real life, funny that.
Always Friday night for the kicking (after too much booze on her part) so I thought new day, new name. If she found out I was a fatty too that would have started her off again.

People on here can be arseholes. It's a shame things got to that stage.

I post quite a lot about myself so should probably namechange at some point. Not that anyone pays much attention to me

I've found this thread very enlightening.

Lockdown and looking after a disabled teenager during lockdown has meant I have gone from an overweight 14/16 to an obese 18. I did lose just over a stone about 3 years ago and kept it off for 18 months so I am hoping I can do that again.

I was 20 stone, I'm now 11 and kept it off for a long time.. but it's a constant fight against the demon of my binge eater!
Junk food is such a comfort. I'm going through stressful things atm and back then I would just stuff my face all day. That release of pleasure and endorphins is such a high! And helps you forget about your worries. I basically ate the way through the grief of losing my dad. Also when babies were young I needed sugar and carbs to stay awake and survive against the lack of sleep! Also food is so tasty.. I love getting excited about trying new foods, food and booze opens up socialising.
But longterm it ultimately made me unhappy and insecure and I recognised that it was a quick high. And that my true happiness comes from feeling good about myself. I let myself have the odd binge days so I can still enjoy myself but never more than a few days at a time as my body hates it now (bloating etc)