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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

298 replies

Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:05

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

  • they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
  • they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
  • they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
  • MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
  • their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP posts:
purpledagger · 29/10/2021 10:29

I get what you are saying, but I think it's unfair to your DH and in-laws if you spent last Xmas with your family and want to change their year.

Going forward, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have your own traditions, that's what we've done.

Horst · 29/10/2021 10:43

Mmmm lovely could you imagine a nice bit of covid or the flu or something in every dish from mils taste testing. That would be enough for me to say no thank you.

My Inlwas always taste test but it’s a clean spoon for each dish for each test. No double dipped or dirty dipping.

A lot of people seem to of missed the fact the op got covered in gravy that ten she ate there too because of trying to cut food up on her lap. Nah

It’s clearly not safe or hygienic to be there for food.

Babies and toddlers crawling/running around while people try to balance hot food on their laps with the associated cutlery. The double dipping taste testing.

You can love your family without subjecting yourself to stuff madness.

Stay home make it a new thing. We stay home one year, in laws the next year. I don’t do Christmas at my own parents because of the way they do Christmas Day/dinner.

WitchsFamiliarWhichIsFamiliar · 29/10/2021 10:47

@Horst

Mmmm lovely could you imagine a nice bit of covid or the flu or something in every dish from mils taste testing. That would be enough for me to say no thank you.

My Inlwas always taste test but it’s a clean spoon for each dish for each test. No double dipped or dirty dipping.

A lot of people seem to of missed the fact the op got covered in gravy that ten she ate there too because of trying to cut food up on her lap. Nah

It’s clearly not safe or hygienic to be there for food.

Babies and toddlers crawling/running around while people try to balance hot food on their laps with the associated cutlery. The double dipping taste testing.

You can love your family without subjecting yourself to stuff madness.

Stay home make it a new thing. We stay home one year, in laws the next year. I don’t do Christmas at my own parents because of the way they do Christmas Day/dinner.

Totally agree. Still SEE them, spend time with them etc. But no, you don't have to eat with them and I wouldn't want to either.

Offer to have the lot of them over for drinks in the early afternoon and then have dinner just the three of you. Make a big fuss of them and be lovely and Christmassy. Who wants people eating at their house under duress anyway? So festive 😂 Tralalalalala

WitchsFamiliarWhichIsFamiliar · 29/10/2021 10:49

*falalalala

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2021 10:49

A lot of people seem to of missed the fact the op got covered in gravy that ten she ate there too because of trying to cut food up on her lap.

I’d have thought most people have ignored it because it was a clumsy accident that wasn’t in any way the fault of the host.

WitchsFamiliarWhichIsFamiliar · 29/10/2021 10:52

I mean, a big roast dinner served in a plate on your lap is definitely going to end up with someone ruining their clothes.

Not the end of the world and if everyone enjoys it then crack on! But op really doesn't enjoy it and I can see why.

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2021 10:54

I mean, a big roast dinner served in a plate on your lap is definitely going to end up with someone ruining their clothes.

Is it though? We seem to manage fine when we’re at my mum’s. She doesn’t have a dining table.

WitchsFamiliarWhichIsFamiliar · 29/10/2021 10:55

You got skills purple Grin

If you aren't used to eating that way, then I can see how it could be very likely to happen. "Definitely" was an exaggeration, so thank you for pointing that out.

Latecomer131 · 29/10/2021 10:57

@PurpleDaisies, expecting people to eat on their laps is unreasonable, and makes the OP getting hovered in gravy 100% the fault of the host.

Latecomer131 · 29/10/2021 10:57

Aghh autocorrect fail *covered

PurpleDaisies · 29/10/2021 10:58

[quote Latecomer131]@PurpleDaisies, expecting people to eat on their laps is unreasonable, and makes the OP getting hovered in gravy 100% the fault of the host.[/quote]
This is such middle class snobbery.

What do you think people without a big enough dining table do every year?

FlightOfHares · 29/10/2021 10:59

@averylongtimeago you sound lovely, lucky family to have you! Smile

WitchsFamiliarWhichIsFamiliar · 29/10/2021 11:03

I wouldn't say it's the hosts' fault, but clearly, they don't have room for all of their guests. Neither do I BTW! I couldn't seat 5 dcs plus their OHs and dcs in my tiny house either. So I don't invite that many people. We do other things, like drinks, where people can walk about. Good hosting isn't about having everything (dining table) but using what you do have to accommodate guests. I'd probably serve a totally different meal if I wanted that many people over for dinner tbh.

If you have no other option though and you want a roast and everyone is happy then great! Seat 25 people on an armchair and feed them soup in colanders and challenge them to eat it without spilling, if that's what you all like (JOKE). But op doesn't have to like it or eat there and I think that's perfectly reasonable.

Latecomer131 · 29/10/2021 11:08

@PurpleDaises, am failing to see what is middle class about a table? When I have been to very large meals held in someone else's home, people repurpose garden furniture, borrow an extra table from a friend for the day, etc, etc.
If you can't be arsed to work out how your guests can eat in basic comfort, you should reduce the numbers that you host.
The amount of people that the OP's in-laws seem to begrudgingly cater for each year sounds excessive and part of the issue.

Soontobe60 · 29/10/2021 11:11

[quote Redcart21]@heywassuphello we alternate years going to each of our families houses. I’d actually prefer to even just stay in our home just 3 of us but DH is having none of that[/quote]
Let him go to his mothers and you and dc stay home. He can’t force you to go!

LumosSolem · 29/10/2021 11:11

@WitchsFamiliarWhichIsFamiliar

I wouldn't say it's the hosts' fault, but clearly, they don't have room for all of their guests. Neither do I BTW! I couldn't seat 5 dcs plus their OHs and dcs in my tiny house either. So I don't invite that many people. We do other things, like drinks, where people can walk about. Good hosting isn't about having everything (dining table) but using what you do have to accommodate guests. I'd probably serve a totally different meal if I wanted that many people over for dinner tbh.

If you have no other option though and you want a roast and everyone is happy then great! Seat 25 people on an armchair and feed them soup in colanders and challenge them to eat it without spilling, if that's what you all like (JOKE). But op doesn't have to like it or eat there and I think that's perfectly reasonable.

Agree with all this. Let's face it, it's not ideal. The cleanliness and poor hygiene really is the biggest issue as well. Not everyone has room for a dining table- most people that don't have room for a large enough dining table to accommodate their large number of children and resulting partners and children wouldn't expect everyone to want to come over.
Soontobe60 · 29/10/2021 11:13

@PurpleDaisies
This is such middle class snobbery.
What do you think people without a big enough dining table do every year

Not have so many people round.
Borrow a table.
Go to someone else’s house

Class has bugger all to do with wanting to eat your Christmas dinner in comfort 🤣🤣🤣

Reallybadidea · 29/10/2021 11:28

Op your in-laws sound incredibly similar to mine. It's really difficult because understandably DH feels protective of them but can also see that it's an uncomfortable and less enjoyable way of doing things. All I can say is that it's got easier with time as the number of grandchildren has increased and his siblings also started to want to have Christmas on their own sometimes. I think you need to stick to your guns about sometimes having Christmas at your own house. In the peak Santa years our kids really wanted to be in their own home on Christmas Day so that they could play with their new toys and it became logistically difficult smuggling all their presents in the car etc.

Alicenwonderland · 29/10/2021 11:31

We planned to alternate between my family and my ex's but the first Christmas we had with his parents was so awful I swore never to go again. To keep it fair I decided we would spend Christmas at our own house every year even though it meant I missed out on having Christmas with my own, lovely family. We are now separated so I no longer have this issue!

WellLarDeDar · 29/10/2021 11:36

You should suck it up really. seeing as you alternate years with in laws. Do your own Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve so you've had a nice dinner and are nice a full and won't be that hungry to eat their food the next day. Buy yourself a nice beanbag and take it with you so you don't have to sit on a cramped sofa.

CrotchetyQuaver · 29/10/2021 11:45

I'd host them at yours personally, maybe your parents too. We always did this when ours were young and I think it's best for the DC, their routine suffers minimal disruption and you have all their stuff to hand. We used to have a team effort where one set of in-laws did the starter and the others did puddings, we did main course. It's quite fun having everyone round for the day if they're near enough to do it. We had a sturdy folding table we added to our normal one to fit everyone round and it was great fun. Now all the Grandparents and great aunt/uncle have died, we all look back very fondly on those past Christmases when there were 11-12 sat round the tables

Youseethethingis · 29/10/2021 11:50

What do you think people without a big enough dining table do every year
I remember the old days at my grans house and the kids eating off an ironing board with a lacy table cloth on to middle class things up a bit Grin
Honestly though, if I was having that many people over and didn't have anywhere to put them all for a sit down meal, we wouldn't be having a sit down meal. It would be a party food and mingling sort of event, not a sit on your FILs knee and try not to let your sprouts escape event.

peaceanddove · 29/10/2021 11:56

God it sounds grim at your in-laws. But sometimes you just have to gird your loins and endure because it makes your DH happy.

I sympathise because I spent nearly 30 years in your shoes. My family always put a real effort into Xmas Day. Everyone gets dressed up. Elaborate food. Nicely dressed dining table and table presents. Party games and plenty of booze etc.

My MIL just didn't get any of that and my FIL was totally uninterested in Xmas. So we would just eat a below par roast then everyone sat around watching crap TV. It was dull and depressing for me but to DH it felt like home and he enjoyed it. So I smiled and nodded for his sake because he's worth it Smile

This year there's no in-laws left, so we're going out for Xmas lunch with my cousin who is like my sister really and her family. Everyone dressed up to the nines but someone else cooks gorgeous food and does all the washing up. Bliss.

Would suggesting you all eat out on Xmas Day be an option OP. You could say it was your treat?

gcgirlsrock · 29/10/2021 11:59

I would compromise.
Yes you will see his family for Christmas but insist on going to a local restaurant for Christmas lunch. Take lots of presents and toys for your child, make sure it had a garden with swings etc for fresh air.
Unfortunately families are not perfect but if you can work around the main issues you might find a middle ground that suits everyone.
If you can’t face it this year? What will be different about next year? Your dh may be worried you have no intention of going ever again. A long term solution needs to be found.
I would have a few drinks and make the most of the lack of input required of you, but I am middje ages menopausal and would do anything to avoid cooking so maybe that has skewed my view somewhat. Christmas is time for goodwill, not show homes, dressed tables necessarily and perfect lunches. Be glad for the family you have Halloween Smile

SarahAndQuack · 29/10/2021 12:16

TBF, my in laws couldn't sensibly borrow a table - there would be nowhere to put it, because the space is already taken up with the sofa and chairs and tv and so on. That's why people eat on their laps, and that's what they do all the time - it's nothing to do with having invited too many people.

I don't like it; I find it unpleasant and not ideal with a small child or animals around. It's grim. But I do think there's a difference between people who eat on their laps because they don't care the OP is uncomfortable, and people who eat on their laps because the logistics of getting a table into the house mean it's the only sensible option.