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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

298 replies

Redcart21 · 28/10/2021 21:05

I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

  • they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
  • they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
  • they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
  • MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
  • their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

OP posts:
Whstdoyouthink · 29/10/2021 03:43

Start hosting yourselves then it’s one in three. You do sound like a snob. Imagine when your DS gets married and they don’t want to visit you for Christmas

Offmyfence · 29/10/2021 03:56

@MrsBerthaRochester

Tell your DH you are staying at home. I did after years of pandering to him and in-laws. The in-laws never spoke to me again and exdh and I split a couple of years after I refused to go to their shitty misogynistic Xmas. Win win.
I'm not sure Op wants to end the marriage over this?
sybillalle · 29/10/2021 03:58

It does sound rather miserable Sad

My suggestions:

-Get them to book into a restaurant/pub/catered place instead for the dinner

-suggest more of a buffet lunch where everyone brings a dish. Easier to eat on laps and you can stick to your own food if necessary

-cut down the number of years you go. Insist that 1 in 3 is in your own house and 1 in 3 at each of your parents'

-set a definite time limit expectation - we will visit for lunch from 11-2. If food not served, leave

-go for morning tea, not lunch. do your own nice meal when you get home

-do a buffet at your house instead

Wimblingwombling · 29/10/2021 05:40

I’m of the view that Christmas should be spent with family and if you’re alternating seeing your family you have to with his. Sorry- sounds grim there but I’d do it for fairness on husband and ILs

User527294627 · 29/10/2021 06:25

I feel for you because it does sound shit, but I also think it’s tough to expect your husband to never have christmas with his family. Family will matter more to him than the actual details of the day.

Could you start hosting Christmas as yours every other year so you only stay with them every three christmasses? So it’s one at your parents’, one at your house where you host, and one at your in laws? Might make it bearable if it’s only once every 3 years.

CampagVelocet · 29/10/2021 06:30

You sound like a vile snob. It's one meal. Being with people you care about and who care about you is more important than a decorated dining table FFS.

itsgettingwierd · 29/10/2021 06:43

I get why you don't like it.

However you married DH knowing this was the case.

You are coming across as a snob with regards how they live and that probably isnt helping you case with DH.

I get your desire to spend Christmas Day at home. Totally acceptable and many people prefer this. It'll certainly be better for da when he hits pre school age and understands what is going on and is tired and over excited!

I think you need to explain to DH that Christmas would be better at home for ds, that the driving is too much for you each year for both sets of parents and you'd like to arrange alternative days for each family and that could include visiting them alternate years in Boxing Day and the other family for 28/29th ish.

FlightOfHares · 29/10/2021 06:47

You sound like a vile snob

I think it’s perfectly reasonable, it sounds like a pretty “vile” day TBH.

If the AIBU was “AIBU not to want to spend much time or effort in hosting ds and family for Christmas but still expect them to come” then the answer would be “make an effort or let them go elsewhere”. Unquestionably.

OP you’re not BU especially now you have your own DC and want to start making your own traditions. Our ILs asked us to theirs again for Christmas (the whole three days) but we’ve said no and they'll come to us. Quite simply our kids like Christmas at our house, I’d go just for the meal (even though the Turkey gets cooks overnight and eaten cold with watery gravy and overboiled veg) but they want the whole three days. So no we aren’t going.

FlightOfHares · 29/10/2021 06:51

Also 4 years… if you’ve been every year for 4 years you’ve done your time.

Don’t go, it’s for them to be flexible with you this year.

maddy68 · 29/10/2021 07:00

I would have them all over to yours. Can't you have the in-laws as well as your parents ?

That way you can have it your way

Vix1977 · 29/10/2021 07:09

Let DH visit his parents and you can spend it at home with your child Smile

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2021 07:11

Why don't you host Christmas at your house instead?

Driposaurus · 29/10/2021 07:13

Stay at home OP. With that many children and grandchildren it’s going to get unmanageable in scale fairly soon.

My husband isn’t a food snob (though I am, a bit) but he was so disappointed by the only Christmas meal my mum cooked (my mum doesn’t enjoy cooking, won’t accept help, and takes short cuts that do not help - eg she’ll boil carrots for 10 minutes at 8am, then leave them standing in water for 4 hours before putting the pan to boil again) we have made it so we’ve never spent Christmas with them since.

YouJustFoldItIn · 29/10/2021 07:14

I completely understand and I would hate it there too. But they are your DH's parents and your child's grandparents. It's right that you split the time fairly between your side of the family and his.

But unless there are huge distances involved, necessitating overnight stays, can you not just explain that now you have a family of your own you'd prefer to be at home, and either invite them to you or just visit them for presents and nibbles in the morning for a couple of hours, cooking your own main meal later at home?

After all if you have more children then eventually this lap balancing dinner malarkey is going to become unsustainable anyway.

sjxoxo · 29/10/2021 07:20

@3scape

You sound hugely uncaring and a terrible guest. In your fabulous upbringing with tables and timing I take it noone ever bothered to point out to you you're there to visit people you care about and enjoy their company? You're so rude and precious please excuse yourself by faking an illness and let everyone else have a nice time without you're disapproval bringing it all down.
Unnecessary! I don’t think you’re rude or precious; you can refuse with good grace- you deffo should either host at your place and if not an option just state you will have Xmas day at your house and see them Boxing Day or similar. X
Staryflight445 · 29/10/2021 07:20

When you love Christmas traditions and it gives you so much joy I think it’s so important to cherish that.

The food hygiene aspect I couldn’t ignore at all. If this was my husband I’d be telling him me and child will be at home for Xmas, if he wants to join us he’s welcome but you’re not going to force him. Small children in dirty environments is just so stressful.

FlightOfHares · 29/10/2021 07:23

So what some people are saying is that it’s ok to be a terrible host but not a “terrible guest”. Right.

It’s never ok to be either in my book… and frankly they’ve grown up now. At what age do the “kids” actually get to do their own Christmas?

Brefugee · 29/10/2021 07:25

you've been together 4 years and you're going here for the 2nd Christmas? well then you have 2 more before you have to go again. Your DH is allowed to visit his family at Christmas and take his DS with them.

Why not offer to help with the dinner and then you can make the timings work?

LakieLady · 29/10/2021 07:42

OMG, YANBU at all!

My late DP and I stopped going to MIL's for Christmas after the 2nd year of 18 people crammed into a tiny, overheated house, crap food (think veg steamed for so long that they disintegrate), and nowhere to bloody sit. And she looked aghast when I had a second G&T before lunch, AND wine with the meal, like I was some sort of alcoholic.

And that's without the poor hygiene standards and having to eat with a plate perched on your lap.

I'd explain that as it's the first Christmas your DC is old enough to appreciate, you'd like to have a quiet one at home, just the 3 of you, and see them on Boxing Day instead.

And the great thing about Boxing Day visits is that you can take your own leftovers to share with everyone, and avoid eating anything that may have been double dipped.

DreamingofTimbuktu · 29/10/2021 07:49

Turn vegan? That way you’ll have to cook your own dinner

WitchsFamiliarWhichIsFamiliar · 29/10/2021 07:53

Just don't go for dinner. Sounds ghastly.

pompomsgalore · 29/10/2021 07:58

Can you do a three year rotation so you have their Christmas less often at least. Then you can incorporate a year at home too?

Sparkletastic · 29/10/2021 08:00

Grim. I wouldn't go. Start having your Christmas Day at home and see them on another day.

WitchsFamiliarWhichIsFamiliar · 29/10/2021 08:02

Start a new tradition where you meet up somewhere outdoors for a winter picnic on Boxing Day or something.

Or have drinks on Christmas Eve.

Do you go to church? You could do midnight Mass and then mulled wine and mince pies with them and then back to your own houses.

We do our own thing for Christmas dinner but still see in laws, just not for dinner as there are too many of us.

MoreAloneTime · 29/10/2021 08:09

I like to think I'm broad minding but I'd draw the line at the poor hygiene. A toddler with food poisoning is no fun and the spoon licking is gross as fuck. The other stuff I'd suck up as you can always cook a proper dinner for yourself on another day.