To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

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I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

• they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
• they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
• they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
• MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
• their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

I wish there was an answer. I’m sure when people didn’t get so much annual leave/didn’t all have cars they just stayed at home more. I know when DH was small they went to their grans but as more GC were born they stayed at home as it was too many to cater for.

I endured going to my in laws for 20 years. Because they lived a big distance away the expectation was to go to theirs every bloody year. My MIL hated Christmas though so it was a horrible affair, tiny portions of horrible food and lots of passive aggressive comments, my FIL would get drunk. Rest of the time is sat in silence watching TV. If you asked DH though he thought Christmas at his parents was brilliant.
A couple of times we got them to come here. FIL was thrilled as I would put on a feast and MIL would be equally unhappy.

I would see if you could visit on Christmas Eve and start that as a tradition, although your parents being even further away makes it difficult. I love being home for Xmas now, I love Boxing Day even more.

We host it every year. That way I get it how I want it

@purpledagger

I get what you are saying, but I think it's unfair to your DH and in-laws if you spent last Xmas with your family and want to change their year.

Going forward, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have your own traditions, that's what we've done.

But then next year it will be unfair to her parents if she spends Xmas with PILs and want to change/stop their year.

You have to jump in somewhere and change it, even then the parents' turn who it was will be left out. So why not now?

Thegirlcat the OP may have spent the baby's first Xmas with her parents so maybe the DH would want to have at least one Xmas with their child and his family altogether before stopping.

I'd let dh take baby and leave you at home in peace.
But then I'm a rebel

@Horst

Mmmm lovely could you imagine a nice bit of covid or the flu or something in every dish from mils taste testing. That would be enough for me to say no thank you.

My Inlwas always taste test but it’s a clean spoon for each dish for each test. No double dipped or dirty dipping.

A lot of people seem to of missed the fact the op got covered in gravy that ten she ate there too because of trying to cut food up on her lap. Nah

It’s clearly not safe or hygienic to be there for food.

Babies and toddlers crawling/running around while people try to balance hot food on their laps with the associated cutlery. The double dipping taste testing.

You can love your family without subjecting yourself to stuff madness.

Stay home make it a new thing. We stay home one year, in laws the next year. I don’t do Christmas at my own parents because of the way they do Christmas Day/dinner.

*Mmmm lovely could you imagine a nice bit of covid or the flu or something in every dish from mils taste testing. That would be enough for me to say no thank you.... A lot of people seem to of missed the fact the op got covered in gravy that ten she ate there too because of trying to cut food up on her lap. Nah

It’s clearly not safe or hygienic to be there for food.

Babies and toddlers crawling/running around while people try to balance hot food on their laps with the associated cutlery.*

Exactly. It's unhygienic, dangerous and even without the winter flus which could be passed through the spoon.

I don't understand people saying to 'suck it up' (interesting pun), did they not read OP's posts? We're talking about getting food poisoning if not the flu. And hot gravy burns?

What is wrong with some of you that is is remotely acceptable let alone something to 'suck up'? Is your self respect and protection of your own health and children's health so low that #BeingKind is more important than health and safety?

Just think about it!

Once you have DC I think they should be in their own home on Christmas day it's all part of Santa etc while they are small. Anyone who wants to come is more than welcome. MiL goes to her other son as she doesn't want to travel to ours so we usually just have my Mum. Everyone is fine with that. We see in laws for other occasions Easter, birthdays etc

@PurpleDaisies

A lot of people seem to of missed the fact the op got covered in gravy that ten she ate there too because of trying to cut food up on her lap.

I’d have thought most people have ignored it because it was a clumsy accident that wasn’t in any way the fault of the host.

It could have resulted in burns. Do you know just how busy the A & E Dept is on Christmas Day, and the ambulance callouts? Because of careless accidents like this?

It WAS the fault of the host because the guest didn't even have a table to sit at. Who else's fault is it?

I wouldn’t eat at anybody’s house at any time of the year if I was aware of the lack of hygiene in how they prepare food.
Same utensil that has been in your mouth should never go back in the pot!

Ignore PP that are saying you are rude, uncaring, a horrible guest, etc. It’s okay to have your own standards. It’s likely that you’ve hit a nerve with some.

The trays on laps wouldn’t bother me. I grew up eating meals on trays on sofas up until my early teens, as we didn’t have the space for a dining table until we moved house. Do they have the space for a dining table?

Have you suggested everyone pitching in and contributing dishes?
This way you can include some nice good quality food which may encourage them to include themselves in future.

We stay at home on Christmas Day and visit other family members in their homes during the other days around Xmas/New Year. Otherwise, it’s a rush for DC to open gifts, eat breakfast, get ready and be out the door before lunchtime driving down miles of motorways. We view our Christmas Day as a holiday/chill day and don’t want to be rushing around like we usually do. Since moving to a bigger house a few years ago, we finally have decent kitchen space to prepare meals so prefer to do that together (all 3 DC included with the cooking) at home on Christmas Day. We also have created our own Xmas Day tradition of going for a walk in our local nature reserve. We both work in pressured roles. DP works long hours running two businesses and the Christmas holiday period is the only time DP gets to switch off a bit. We usually invite a few family members round to our house on Christmas Day, especially if they may be alone otherwise. We both have big families and will have a big group of family and friends round on Boxing Day or New Year’s Eve/Day.

We also often spent Christmas abroad over the years 😉

It WAS the fault of the host because the guest didn't even have a table to sit at. Who else's fault is it?

Because you used capitals and underlined the word “host”, I can see you are right.

This is such middle class snobbery.
It really isn't.
I don't know any families who eat Christmas dinner on the sofa, it's probably the only time we sat at the table. 😅

@PurpleDaisies

It WAS the fault of the host because the guest didn't even have a table to sit at. Who else's fault is it?

Because you used capitals and underlined the word “host”, I can see you are right.

Oh dear, that's all you have, sad.

No sorry but It's not unreasonable to not want to go to a filthy house with disgusting food and eat off your lap!

I'd be a bit worried about my DH if he thought this was ok.

I think suck it up, they won’t be around forever, yes they’re very different but a few days of cheap processed food and a dirty house won’t kill you. Eating a roast off your lap isn’t great but it equally not the end of the world if very infrequent…

Could you try to switch so you rotate on a 3 / 4 yearly basis - i.e; PIL at yours one year, then at your DM/DF, then at PIL, then your parents at yours?

Or just one Christmas with each side then a year to yourselves? There’s probably lots of ways to do it and a reduced frequency could help?

It’s the opposite with my in laws, we don’t really make a big fuss and I hate all the waste / unnecessary spending that comes with Christmas but we still go to theirs sometimes and it’s always a huge hoo ha, everything has to be done in a specific way at a specific time. But I do suck it up (and just whinge to my friends after) because it’s my husbands family and however weird and annoying I find them they did make him

You decide for you and tell him he is welcome to go to his parents for the day rather than spend it at home with his wife and child.

Surely he's as entitled to take his child to his parents and tell his wife she's more than happy to make her own decision to stay home?

Realistically, no one would want a shit dinner in a grubby house on Christmas Day. Yanbu op. Maybe suggest you have brunch together then take ds home for dinner

I go to DH’s parents for Christmas meal. MIL’s for Xmas day as it’s a big deal for her. The first Christmas MIL & SIL cooked and it wasn’t great. Subsequent christmases we all pitched in and I cooked the bits they do very badly and now it’s a given I’ll do those bits.

We also buy the turkey I buy it to MIL’s spec eg weight and what cut if not the whole thing. And we also buy sides we like. SIL supplies veg MIL other bits.

I wouldn’t go if I found the house and cooking to be dirty. I wouldn’t mind remotely if DH wanted to spend the day at his parents. I’d quite happily stay at home.

Time to start hosting at your own house.

At his age, surely your ds would prefer to be at home with his presents? No way would I be travelling far for Christmas Day. Your dh telling you to suck it up would make me dig in my heels, big time. Why should you? You need to start your own traditions a t some point. You can’t forever go to his parents’!

Thanks everyone for your comments.
To answer some, there is no dining table at all and no space for a temporary one. The sofas take up the space alongside general stuff they have in their house (they don’t like throwing anything out).

I’m going to talk to DH this weekend about it. I think it’s best we do our own thing and see families on other days. I can imagine BILs/SILs doing similar as the family grows. I have no idea if they think the same as me as I darent ask but they must be thinking it.
BIL once went to his gf’s for Christmas and all hell broke loose. FIL called an emergency family meeting in the new year telling everyone how unacceptable it was for him to leave the family on this day and wanted us to all know how important it is to all be together every other year this is what I’m up against!

Definitely wouldn't want to be held hostage that way. Hope the talk with your dh goes well op!

OP, if "all hell breaks loose", you can point out that you are simply doing what they did when your DH was your DS's age; having Xmas in your DS's own home. Just repeat that it is unfair and unreasonable for your DS not to be in his own home on Xmas day. They'll look unreasonable for putting their own wants over what's best for a 2 year old.
Grandparents like this need to let go, and accept that once the next generation are adults with their own DC, they can choose how to spend their own Xmas day how they see fit.

I haven’t read whole thread but just wondering why ‘it’s best’ for a two year old to be in their own home for Christmas? As a child I loved being surrounded by family at Christmas and still do.

I hated being carted around at Christmas as a child. I just wanted to stay home.

OP I think you either try to stay home every Christmas, invite people to yours, and if they don't come, they don't come.

Or, at the very least, you agree to one year at ILS, one at DPs, one at home with just you, on rotation.