To not want to go to in laws for Christmas

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I’m fully expecting to be slammed on this thread but I really need views from others.
Married to DH for 4 years, have DS1 (his second Christmas this year).

In laws live a very different life to what my upbringing was like. I really dislike going there for Christmas and can’t stand another year there. DH thinks I need to suck it up and just go along with it but I honestly cannot take any more. Reasons:

• they don’t have a dining table. Christmas dinner is either with a plate on your lap on the sofa or on the sofa with plate on a little plastic table.
• they have no plan for anything. They buy food Christmas Eve and have no set timings in the day. Which means half the dinner gets cold whilst waiting for the other half to be made. It can often get very late into the evening before we sit down to eat
• they buy the cheapest food possible and it just tastes horrible.
• MIL tastes food with the spoons she is cooking with as she goes along and puts them back in the pots to stir which I find revolting.
• their house is quite dirty as they don’t care to clean often. No one is bothered by this and can’t understand why it would affect me or DS. It puts me off eating there and I hate DS walking around and playing on their carpet because of it.

I’ve always decorated the dining table nicely and my family have all sat around eating together with food on nice dishes. We go all out on the food making sure it’s the highest quality as we treat ourselves on this one day.

AIBU to not ever want to spend Christmas Day there or would you suck it up for the sake of DH and his family getting to spend the day with DS? I would prefer to just go there Boxing Day for present giving and not have dinner.

I do feel for the op - when I was a child we HAD to go to my dad's twin's house for Xmas day. In theory it should have been lovely, all of us kids get on great, big old house, plenty of space to run around.........
The reality was that Uncle and Aunt were both problem drinkers - the house was freezing, often filthy as well and the dinner usually came with a light dusting of cat hair. My parents would always provide 1-2 courses but they were uncovered and left in the pantry while Aunt and Uncle got pissed.
DM put her foot down eventually, thank god.

We have the similar with my PIL but not to that extent. I suck it up and go anyway although it's always an ok Christmas but never as much fun as our Christmas' at home or with my DPs. I don't understand why they wouldn't want to splash out slightly. Or are they really struggling with money? If it's only going every few years just go to do your duty.

Could you bring a make shift table with you if they have the room? Could you offer to bring some things with you food wise to make it more special and help with dinner?

We haven't been to my PILs for a while due to covid and the schedule of Christmas we have. But next time I go I am going to take some alcohol and treats with me as well as some family games that we can all play together to make it a bit more fun. Could you do the same?

@TheGirlCat

YANBU Put your big girl pants on and say you are spending Christmas at home as a family unit and that's that, no more discussion. End of story.

It really is as simple as that.

I'm imagining the OP where a mumsnetter's husband demands that instead of spending Christmas day with her DPs and siblings, on their turn, as previously agreed.

In fact I'm imaging the OP where someone's husband says and that's that, no more discussion. End of story. about anything, frankly.

@saraclara

In fact I'm imaging the OP where someone's husband says and that's that, no more discussion. End of story. about anything, frankly.

Indeed! Not a good way to handle it.

Doesn't mean they have to go though and he "isn't having any of that" when op has suggested they have a small family Christmas, just the three of them. So I wouldn't worry tok much about him. Op hasn't said "end of" or put her foot down or anything, but her dh has a bit.

He needs to be a little bit open to discussion. I wouldn't want to take my toddler somewhere where I thought the hygiene was poor and there is nowhere to sit for dinner.

There has to be a middle ground between "end of...op puts her foot down" and "dh isn't having it any other way".

I would make a lovely Christmas meal for the three of you at home at lunch time and head over after. Your husband can eat a second meal if he likes and you can say you're still full. Have a drink and some pudding or a piece of shortbread.
Next year have your day at home, your parents the following year, his the third year.
By then all the siblings might be doing something different and the day might have changed completely.

I wouldn’t fancy it myself but that’s families, isn’t it - they’re all different and there will be compensations.

I agree with the posters who have said to start some new traditions, like hosting people at yours, going for drinks after lunch at home, or gathering on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead. We always have Christmas at home and anyone can invite themselves along.

OP,

It sounds so grim and however awful the lack of a table is (which is very strange in a family), the lack of hygiene is actually worse.
I would be unable to eat.
I can imagine it being very distressing watching your child in that environment.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say I am not going, I am staying at home and starting our own traditions.

That is your decision to make.
Your husband doesn't get to tell you anything, least of all where you will spend the day.

You decide for you and tell him he is welcome to go to his parents for the day rather than spend it at home with his wife and child.

I think you need to be firm on this point.

It doesn't sound like my idea of Christmas Day, but I think you have to grit your teeth with this one, OR make alternative plans. Invite them to yours - you have the perfect excuse. Easier for DS, he'll want to play with his presents, get tired out, all his stuff is at yours etc. Or offer to visit in the afternoon. We stay at home most years now as it's much easier than dragging children around and no one is driving (plus we can have a drink!).

I have to agree with you op. The hygiene issue is the deal breaker for me as well. I couldn't stomach that. She uses the same spoon to cook and taste from - revolting! I think the only solution here is to have them visit you.

I'm with you. (If that makes me Unreasonable then so be it). I wouldn't want to go either.

In your shoes, I'd be deciding that as you have DC it's time to stop going to other people for Christmas and to stay at home. Invite both sets of ILs, they're unlikely to come, but you've invited them.

Go see both sets of parents on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day.

I really hate how demanding grandparents can be at Christmas. We have said to my ILs "when your children were young you stayed at home for Christmas. We will be doing the same." I am not traipsing round the country just for lunch on one day xxx

Yes, I would host or stay home. Celebrate on another day. That's what we do, because we have a different idea of what is our ideal Christmas day, food etc. Find a compromise, what you've described doesn't sound enjoyable. Child is young, perfect time to break a routine and start a new tradition. Staying home, child can play with all his toys, nap in his bed. lots of excuses :)

As others have said, even it up by going this year, then work on your DH towards having Christmas day in your own house in the future. Your DC will be at an age where he wants to be home playing with his new toys, and if you're open to hosting anyone who wants to join you, fine.

When our kids were that age, we had Christmas Day at home, and Boxing Day with the inlaws.

@MaryBoBary

I really hate how demanding grandparents can be at Christmas. We have said to my ILs "when your children were young you stayed at home for Christmas. We will be doing the same." I am not traipsing round the country just for lunch on one day xxx

Have you said that to your parents too?

I really hate how demanding grandparents can be at Christmas. We have said to my ILs "when your children were young you stayed at home for Christmas. We will be doing the same." I am not traipsing round the country just for lunch on one day

You’re absolutely right they did didn’t they

We've had Christmas in our own home since the dc were born.. nearly 9 years.
Dh family are religious and not into it really.
No present sharing. No crackers or any kind of frills at all.

Totally respect that but it's not how I want christmas (music or bit of an atmosphere)

My mother has mental health and its really stressful. So we visit both but enjoy the dinner and the bulk of the day ourselves.

I think the safest thing is to say you don't go anywhere at Christmas. I also don't remember having Christmas Dinner anywhere but my own home when I was little. My dad used to insist we go to his. It's a flight away and we have two tiny children!

We don't have dinner with either side, as then nobody can say "oh but it's our tuuuuuuurn 🥺". We do see in laws but never for dinner.

We invite both sides here but they never come. Ddad says it's because travelling at Christmas is horrible and nobody should do it 😂😂😂. Despite nagging us to traipse back to his with small kids in tow for ages. In laws prefer to go to one of their other dc houses.

I’m with you 100%. It really does sound grim there and I too would draw the line at having Christmas dinner on my lap. I would visit in the morning and have your own meal at home later. Your DH needs to say something to his parents too.

Do you live nearby? What we used to do was, morning at home, then round to one set of grandparents late morning/early afternoon then round to my other set of grandparents for the traditional meal around 3pm. The first set didn't do proper meals, didn't have a table etc and it suited them all. This was as a child. Now I have my own children and we live 3 hours and 7 hours from our respective families so 9 times out of 10 we just have christmas at home ourselves and have people visit if they can over the season.

Also, I do think it makes a difference that the in laws have four other dc who spend Christmas with them.

That's how we get away with having dinner at home. There are too many of us to fit round a table (on a sofa in op's case).

And the PILs won't be alone.

My family was the not-great family in this situation. Sit around watching TV, food from QVC, a few other things that my DH (and I!) didn't like so much. My DH sucked it up, as did I, for the sake of my mother - it meant a lot to her that we visit. It wasn't my dream Christmas, but we made her happy. Now that she's dead, I only wish I hadn't been so sneery about her way - I hope she didn't realise, but I suspect she did. Go to your husband's family - it's one day a year - one day every three years, if you alternate between you, your parents and his family.

Sorry about your mum squirrel. Mine died just before we had dc1. It was unexpected and she died on Christmas eve . My dad is happily settled with a new partner now and in laws have other dcs. Nobody makes me go somewhere I'm uncomfortable at Christmas. Funny how we react to grief so differently isn't it?

It is not the law to go out on Christmas Day.
Your parents and in-laws have had their own Christmas traditions since you and DP were babies.
Now it's your turn.

My two are now 39, and apart from 1 year, always had Christmas Day at home. Parents were welcome to join us, my DM did most years (she lived on her own) , mil and fil only a few times as they preferred to host wider family until their younger son had children- then they went there every year.
Now DH and I are the grandparents- and we fit in round our children- who have Christmas at home. We visit, it's a lovely time.

Don't go- tell both sets of parents you are staying at home. Invite them to dinner/tea/boxing day buffet whatever suits you. Do not get into some complicated rota of his parents/ your parents/ no parents as it always ends up causing trouble.