Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely livid with ML- what would you do ?

394 replies

fussytodd · 28/10/2021 12:32

So I'm staying with in laws for a couple of weeks.

I did some washing and accidentally put a wool jumper in with the general load at 40. It shrunk. I left it on the side in the laundry room to dry and then assess the damage.

Today mother in law comes up to me, holding just the jumper and goes:

' what happened here ?you must have washed this wrong. You need to wash it on a wool setting '

I reply :

' I know. I just didn't see it and put it in with other stuff at 30. That's a shame, oh well'

She says again : ' yeah but you can't wash it at 30, you can only wash it on a wool setting '. I again replied that I know that but I didn't see it and oh well.

To which she goes: ' well this is a hundred pound jumper '. It's her sons jumper, not hers...

So I just went, well what do you want me to do ?

Back story is that it has happened to me before that I've accidentally shrunk a jumper and it's come up as a joke in front of her before. Even so, am I right that I don't deserve to be scolded by her over this ? It's my money and my stuff. So what if I occasionally make a mistake.

I'm so angry, I can't look at her.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 28/10/2021 13:10

I think she was rude and she probably has form but why do you have to stay there OP can you not get home?

ittakes2 · 28/10/2021 13:13

I think you are blowing this up out of proportion. She is not scolding you like a child she is trying to explain to you what you need to do differently with wool. If this is the 2nd time its happened she prob assumes you don't know - not everyone does. I think if she is older too she might not be as aware as your generation that she needs to check her tone when speaking to adults. I am guessing she speaks to others like this too - unless you are telling us its just you than this is a different story.

AmDillDandin · 28/10/2021 13:15

@HeartsAndClubs

Absolutely none of MIL's business though if in future your child’s partner were to ruin something expensive of theirs and then just shrug it off with a “oh well,” wouldn’t you as their mother, be concerned about what kind of relationship it was?
No because

A) it's his wife, and she was attempting to wash it. Not set it alight with a blowtorch

B) it's a jumper.

JudgeJ · 28/10/2021 13:16

@fussytodd

I'm so angry that she had the audacity to come upstairs and scold me like a child.
Maybe because you were behaving like a child? Why do you claim it was your jumper when it clearly wasn't?
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 28/10/2021 13:17

How on earth are people defending the MIL? This is literally none of her business. She didn't buy it and it won't affect her in any way if her son is down a jumper. Maybe he should do his own fucking washing anyway.

And I don't buy that she genuinely thought OP didn't know. OP told her she knew and she kept going on. That's unacceptable. If this was a husband having a go at his wife about how she washed something wrong and wouldn't let it go even when the wife agreed she messed up, I'm sure people would have mentioned abuse and rightly so. When someone accepts they messed up, you fucking leave it there.

ChargingBuck · 28/10/2021 13:17

@fussytodd

I'm so angry that she had the audacity to come upstairs and scold me like a child.
You'll find this feeling dissipates if you direct it to the cause of the feeling.

I have a sneaking suspicion that there has been more going on that the 2 JumperGate incidents. So next time something similar happens, put the awkward right back where it belongs - with the person who caused it:

"I'm confused MiL - why have you followed me upstairs to scold me like a child? Are you feeling ok?"

See how that hands the awkward back to her, & puts you back in the driving seat?

Original poster
fussytodd · 28/10/2021 13:17

@StaplesCorner

I think she was rude and she probably has form but why do you have to stay there OP can you not get home?
I'm off in a couple of days, thankfully.
OP posts:
DandyHighwayWoman · 28/10/2021 13:17

@SoupDragon

I think you are completely over reacting if you are so angry you can't look at her.
This

Get a grip OP Hmm

ShinyHappyPoster · 28/10/2021 13:18

I think if you're someone who looks after your possessions then its difficult to relate to a mindset of saying 'oh well' when you shrink a £100 jumper. DH shrunk one of my dresses once. He apologised and bought me a replacement.
Did someone else buy your DH the previous jumper that you shrunk? I'm wondering if MIL thinks you're being deliberately careless.

Also, and not peculiar to this thread, but I really hate this new trend for OPs to post conversations like they're an A level drama student. I don't think it adds anything and makes everything seem artificial.

sillysmiles · 28/10/2021 13:18

@AmyDudley

Maybe she thought you were under reacting - I would be really upset if I had ruined a £100 jumper - that is a very expensive item of clothing to many people and I would be quite shocked that someone's reaction was 'oh well'. But it would have been better if she had only mentioned it once (or not at all) and away from other people. Its not her business but I'd suggest incredulity on her part that someone would be so careless as the reason for her behaviour.

You shouldn't be seething though - in the big scheme of things it a minor event, - if you are furious now where have you got to go when something really bad happens ?

See I would see it as the oppposite way around. Ruining a jumper, while annoying, is only a jumper and not worth getting upset about.

But I can't stand people having a go or focusing on "who to blame" when something gets damaged or broken.

But I've realised that I don't particularly care about "stuff" so I rarely get upset if "stuff" is damaged.

ChargingBuck · 28/10/2021 13:18

@ItsAllMumboJumbo

Your 'oh well' would piss me off. You were careless and then dismissive about the cost. £100 for a jumper is a lot,
Unless it was your jumper, you'd be overstepping to be pissed off.
Nocutenamesleft · 28/10/2021 13:18

You shrunk a £100 jumper. You didn’t at any point apologise or even tell anyone what you did

Then you’re so angry you can’t even look at the person who said. Hang on a min, This jumper has shrunk. What did you do?!

Ummmm

AuntMargo · 28/10/2021 13:19

Why are you so angry with her, she only made a couple of comments. Chill out and be more organised and aware of what your doing next time you wash, mixing an adult size wool jumper in a load of washing is clearly careless.

ChargingBuck · 28/10/2021 13:20

I’d be tempted to hurl myself on the floor weeping ‘The jumper! The JUMPER!’

Actually @Cranncat, this is a far better solution than the one I suggested Grin

KilmordenCastle · 28/10/2021 13:21

@HeartsAndClubs

I can just imagine if a woman posted here that her DH/mil/other person had washed her £100 jumper and ruined it and then said “oh well.”

While maybe your mil shouldn’t have said anything, it’s a bit of a casual attitude to have towards ruining something which isn’t even yours, even if you did pay for it.

If my partner ruined something of mine like that I would be fuming. And if he brushed it off like that I would potentially be rethinking the relationship, on the assumption this probably wasn’t the first time.

Your “oh well,” attitude clearly shows you have little respect for your DH and his stuff, to the point that you ruined something of his and then just shrugged it off.

As his mother it might be that she sees this.

OP has not said anything about how she told her DH about the jumper. For all you know she told DH about it, apologised, offered to replace it and the DH was absolutely fine about it. She said "oh well" to her MIL when MIL decided to stick her nose in. I would do the same if someone was telling me off for something that is absolutely none of their business.
Sh05 · 28/10/2021 13:22

Why would she need to tell anyone what she did? She laid it out to dry so she could see how bad it was, meanwhile mil saw it and took it upon herself to tell op off about something that happened by accident that didn't in anyway effect mil.

ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife · 28/10/2021 13:22

If it was, word for word, as you have posted then I think you were very rude indeed.

‘I’m so sorry, I’ve done something really stupid’ followed by an offer to buy a replacement would be the more appropriate response.

BungleandGeorge · 28/10/2021 13:22

Does her precious son do half of the chores? Does he do any of the washing? Even if you’re careful occasional mistakes happen. In this house people are quite welcome to do their own washing to ensure it’s up to standard.
As an aside if it shrank significantly on a 30 degree wash, is it actually washable? What does the care label say? Premium wools like cashmere generally seem to shrink a bit even if you reshape and cold wash, it can be better to buy the next size up!

ddl1 · 28/10/2021 13:23

Absolutely none of MIL's business though if in future your child’s partner were to ruin something expensive of theirs and then just shrug it off with a “oh well,” wouldn’t you as their mother, be concerned about what kind of relationship it was?

No. Certainly not if they said it to me rather than him (which I would interpret - in this case correctly - as telling me to mind my own business),I would possibly be concerned about their partner's laundry abilities and that maybe they might save time and money by doing it themselves. But certainly not about 'what kind of relationship it was'.

BeyondMyWits · 28/10/2021 13:24

A £100 jumper is a big deal to some of us. To have done it twice... and respond with an "oh well" at that level of careless behaviour would make me cross if I was your mil too. What a waste.

HesterShaw1 · 28/10/2021 13:24

How does she know how much it cost?

ChargingBuck · 28/10/2021 13:24

@Viviennemary

You need to replace the jumper you ruined.
Hello OP's mum.

Still reading the room with your usual aplomb.

Dahliadelight · 28/10/2021 13:24

YANBU

She has literally no reason to come and find you to tell you off. You know you made a mistake, you don’t need her ramming the point home. I get it OP.

KilmordenCastle · 28/10/2021 13:25

@HeartsAndClubs

Absolutely none of MIL's business though if in future your child’s partner were to ruin something expensive of theirs and then just shrug it off with a “oh well,” wouldn’t you as their mother, be concerned about what kind of relationship it was?
Of course not, it was an accident. Accidents happen.
ddl1 · 28/10/2021 13:25

If it's a one-off, it's rather irritating of her, but I think you are over-reacting so YABU in that case.

If it's just one symptom of her constantly criticizing you and acting like your disciplinarian or your boss, then YANBU.