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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely livid with ML- what would you do ?

394 replies

fussytodd · 28/10/2021 12:32

So I'm staying with in laws for a couple of weeks.

I did some washing and accidentally put a wool jumper in with the general load at 40. It shrunk. I left it on the side in the laundry room to dry and then assess the damage.

Today mother in law comes up to me, holding just the jumper and goes:

' what happened here ?you must have washed this wrong. You need to wash it on a wool setting '

I reply :

' I know. I just didn't see it and put it in with other stuff at 30. That's a shame, oh well'

She says again : ' yeah but you can't wash it at 30, you can only wash it on a wool setting '. I again replied that I know that but I didn't see it and oh well.

To which she goes: ' well this is a hundred pound jumper '. It's her sons jumper, not hers...

So I just went, well what do you want me to do ?

Back story is that it has happened to me before that I've accidentally shrunk a jumper and it's come up as a joke in front of her before. Even so, am I right that I don't deserve to be scolded by her over this ? It's my money and my stuff. So what if I occasionally make a mistake.

I'm so angry, I can't look at her.

OP posts:
jamandmarmalade · 28/10/2021 19:01

Or, @fussytodd you could always redress the balance and deliberately take one of MIL's own woollens and boil it stick it on a scarecrow in her garden with a photo of MIL on the pumpkin head so at least you would have earned the bollocking from MIL? Wink

dapsnotplimsolls · 28/10/2021 19:04

If she brings it up again, tell her it was deliberate and you're going to keep doing it until it's small enough to fit the new baby ...

Oh4Tunas · 28/10/2021 19:16

I'd stop buying expensive woolens if I couldn't remember to wash them properly, but yes, she was wrong to point it out to you (repeatedly) when it's not her item of clothing.

Some people really shouldn't spend any more time together than is absolutely necessary, oil and water, etc.

MaxNormal · 28/10/2021 19:18

A lot of these posts make it clear where deranged MILs spring from.

FETOCT2021 · 28/10/2021 19:27

I’d let it go, it will blow over

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 28/10/2021 19:50

Maybe the jumper will fit the new baby! Problem solved!

jamandmarmalade · 28/10/2021 19:51

What a pullover

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 28/10/2021 19:52

@jamandmarmalade

What a pullover
Grin
csectionmumma · 28/10/2021 19:59

I imagine there's a lot of history here, as that exchange alone shouldn't annoy you as much as it has.

WhatAShilohPitt · 28/10/2021 20:29

It doesn’t sound anywhere near bad enough to be so angry you can’t look at her. Someone would need to insult me or even yell at me etc for me to get that worked up. Sounds like you are overreacting about a fairly trivial one-off matter, unless it’s more than just this and you have a deeper issue with feeling she disrespects / patronises / criticises you?

EllaDuggee · 28/10/2021 21:13

Yeah this sounds annoying OP. Accidents happen and all that. I do keep wondering how she knows it's a £100 jumper though when she didn't buy it. does she know a lot of detail about your lives? She sounds a bit too involved, maybe create some distance?
I wouldn't go for such long stays if you can help it in future as well. My MIL is basically a nice woman but would do sth that pissed me off over a two week stay. So would my own mother. There's just something about sharing space with family you're not used to living with. You need your own space especially when pregnant and ill to boot. And I agree with what PP said about there being a power struggle - people can be a bit "my home is my castle" and overbearing in their own homes for some reason. It sounds like you have ongoing issues with her, I would give her less chances to create dramas over small things.

HTH1 · 28/10/2021 22:03

@BeyondMyWits

A £100 jumper is a big deal to some of us. To have done it twice... and respond with an "oh well" at that level of careless behaviour would make me cross if I was your mil too. What a waste.
It’s none of MIL’s business. If I wanted to sit in my MIL’s house and spend the day toasting my own £10 notes in her fire then she would have no right to be angry.
TellingTheTimeForTrumpton · 28/10/2021 22:17

OP, I've just seen that you aren't well and are also pregnant, so in that context, I was a little harsh. So I hope that things improve on that score, and that you get more help with things and treated more nicely by those around you until you are better. Not sure why you are at the in-law's house, doesn't sound like necessarily the best place for you at the moment (but I haven't had time to RTFT yet, sorry). And sorry to hear your relationship isn't great, that must be making things a lot harder too.

Platax · 28/10/2021 23:08

@Goawaymorningsickeness

Your “oh well” and “what do you want me to do” sounds rude and dismissive.
But, yet again, what else could OP sensibly say? Her MIL was making a totally disproportionate fuss about a jumper that wasn't hers, there was nothing OP could do to make the mistake unhappen, there was nothing whatsoever to be achieved by going on and on about how terrible it all was. When MIL kept banging on about it, "What do you want me to do" is entirely apposite, given that a full explanation didn't seem to be enough to keep her happy. If it had been me, I suspect I might have been provoked into something like "For fuck's sake, it's not as if it's a major tragedy, is it?"
Platax · 28/10/2021 23:11

@MissNothing1991

Maybe she, like I, would literally be howling over a £100 jumper being ruined. I'd never even spend that on a jumper, so yes, I'd also be rather upset if I saw one lying ruined and someone just going 'ah well'
Why, if it wasn't your jumper? Given that the actual washing accident seems to have happened around a day ago, would you seriously still expect the person in question to be crying and waling about it?
BoxOfDreams · 28/10/2021 23:26

@ApplesAreTheBaneOfMyLife

If it was, word for word, as you have posted then I think you were very rude indeed.

‘I’m so sorry, I’ve done something really stupid’ followed by an offer to buy a replacement would be the more appropriate response.

It's literally none of MILs business. Why should she apologise and offer to replace it?! My DD and son in law have been staying here recently. If one or other of them had shrunk the other's sweater in the wash it would have zero fucks to do with me, and it would be a bit weird to berate them for it.
SucksToBeYouHun · 29/10/2021 00:02

Calm the fuck down

WalkingOnTheCracks · 29/10/2021 09:04

@ShinyHappyPoster

I think if you're someone who looks after your possessions then its difficult to relate to a mindset of saying 'oh well' when you shrink a £100 jumper. DH shrunk one of my dresses once. He apologised and bought me a replacement. Did someone else buy your DH the previous jumper that you shrunk? I'm wondering if MIL thinks you're being deliberately careless.

Also, and not peculiar to this thread, but I really hate this new trend for OPs to post conversations like they're an A level drama student. I don't think it adds anything and makes everything seem artificial.

Not peculiar to this thread, I like the reported speech thing. It conveys information and situation effectively, and seems to me much more authentic and immediate than a removed third person narrative.

A lot of posts here are about the specifics of an exchange - the way things are said, and the flow of that interaction, so getting that as close to 'real' as possible matters.

Platax · 29/10/2021 09:19

So many people on here telling OP off for being careless and being rude/offhand/unapologetic because they've misread the OP. And every time, when someone has asked them why they've said that, they haven't responded. You would think people who disapprove so much of carelessness and rudeness would want to rectify that sort of mistake, but apparently not.

Boudiccasback · 29/10/2021 09:21

Theres a back history here, I feel.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2021 09:46

@JoyceTempleSavage

I’d love to know the ratio of MN posters with HG compared to the general pregnant population. Doesn’t it make you nauseous tapping away on a small screen over minor issues
Oh do tell us, what is the approved way of suffering from HG? Perhaps you could supply a handy checklist of what women with HG are allowed to do and what they mustn't do to be genuine.

Whilst you are at it perhaps a handy checklist on approved behaviours by people with other conditions routinely dismissed by those who don't have them.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2021 09:50

Its none of the MiL's business.

You could ask MiL why her DH never taught his son not to put hand wash/woolens in with the general load if you want to respond but it would hardly be worth it.

I'm surprised that 30 degrees shrank wool though - the wool temperature and handwash setting on my machine is 30 degrees.

Still nothing like an MiL thread to bring out internalised misogyny.

vajingleberry · 29/10/2021 09:52

@MissNothing1991

literally howling

Are you a werewolf?

milkyaqua · 29/10/2021 09:54

I would say nothing like a MIL thread to bring out the ageism. And weird rage.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/10/2021 09:58

@milkyaqua

I would say nothing like a MIL thread to bring out the ageism. And weird rage.
Ageism - yes agree.

But most of these threads are rooted in a relationship which too often has unrealistic expectations on each side and assumptions about women's roles.