Absolutely livid with ML- what would you do ?

[fussytodd]

So I'm staying with in laws for a couple of weeks.

I did some washing and accidentally put a wool jumper in with the general load at 40. It shrunk. I left it on the side in the laundry room to dry and then assess the damage.

Today mother in law comes up to me, holding just the jumper and goes:

' what happened here ?you must have washed this wrong. You need to wash it on a wool setting '

I reply :

' I know. I just didn't see it and put it in with other stuff at 30. That's a shame, oh well'

She says again : ' yeah but you can't wash it at 30, you can only wash it on a wool setting '. I again replied that I know that but I didn't see it and oh well.

To which she goes: ' well this is a hundred pound jumper '. It's her sons jumper, not hers...

So I just went, well what do you want me to do ?

Back story is that it has happened to me before that I've accidentally shrunk a jumper and it's come up as a joke in front of her before. Even so, am I right that I don't deserve to be scolded by her over this ? It's my money and my stuff. So what if I occasionally make a mistake.

I'm so angry, I can't look at her.

If my husband ruined my top I’d be a bit sad about it. If he said it didn’t matter because he bought me it I’d be pissed off! MILs comments are a bit annoying but she’s probably trying to help and also a bit that you’re not bothered about repeatedly ruining things in the wash and thinking it’s funny or not caring (from her POV) if the last time it was made out to be funny and this time it was £100 jumper and elicited an ‘oh well’ response. It does come across careless and frivolous. However, it was an accident.

@bordersroaming

The op does not say it's her Dh jumper

But it must be mustn't it? If it belongs to her MIL's son (unless she bought a £100 jumper for her BIL, seems less likely tbh).

The person who paid for the jumper is irrelevant. It was a gift and now belongs to the DH. If my DH broke something he'd bought me as a gift, I wouldn't be any less upset because he paid for it in the first place.

Tbh, this kind of thing (shrinking jumpers etc.) really annoys me because the people who do it somehow never seem to shrink their own jumpers. It's always someone else's laundry that doesn't get checked before it goes in the machine, not their own stuff.

And the OP's "Oh well" would have wound me up because it would confirm (in my eyes, possibly unfairly) that it happened because she hadn't bothered to take care with other people's stuff.

I also empathise re: this being the straw that broke the camel's back. But you shouldn't DO anything, unless you want to trash your relationship. Just leave it.

If my husband ruined my top I’d be a bit sad about it. If he said it didn’t matter because he bought me it I’d be pissed off!

Totally agree.

@fussytodd

It's my husbands jumper, which I bought for him.

But your MIL knows your DH works so hard so you must have spent his money

@bordersroaming

I'd be furious if someone ruined a £100 jumper,

Especially if they didn't immediately own up and offer to buy a replacement

If it was a repeated mistake id be even more furious

Would you be furious if it wasn't your jumper?

How would you feel about mistakes in reading OP's posts?

Two weeks! I have a one night rule and even then things can get tense. OP is entitled to be irritated. It none of her MIL’s business. The cost of the jumper is irrelevant as MIL didn’t pay for it. OP why are you there for so long? I’d avoid lengthy visits.

Anyhoo @fussytodd I hope you're feeling less hassled now & have derived some entertainment from your thread.

And maybe some 'in the moment' tips for handling this specific type of intrusive dominance display when it happens in future.

Hope you are soon home, & soon more comfortable with the pregnancy

I can see from the MILs pov and could honestly see myself saying the same thing to a guest in my home.

Op is using MILs washing machine, MIL knows how the washing machine works and what settings are needed, MIL explains to op it needs to be on a wool wash, Op replies I washed it on a 30, MIL replies even a 30 is no good it needs to be on a wool wash.

I 100% can not see what MIL has done wrong other than try to prevent op making the same mistake for the third time.

Nothing she said was nasty or scolding, it was informative for the ops benefit.

But this is MN after all where MILs are the devil spawned

@heather2908

Then why post on a public forum if it’s nothing to do with OP and her husband? Usually that means that other people can agree with the OP but as soon as someone disagrees, then it’s an issue.

Where do you get the idea that anyone says this is nothing to do with OP and her husband?

Tbh, this kind of thing (shrinking jumpers etc.) really annoys me because the people who do it somehow never seem to shrink their own jumpers. It's always someone else's laundry that doesn't get checked before it goes in the machine, not their own stuff.

My DH does probably 60-70% of our laundry. If I have something delicate that I don't want chucked into the machine with everything else - I tell him. If I don't mention it and it get destroyed, oh well I should have said. But at the end of the day it's only a jumper.

Why are you staying with her if she annoys you so much.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

I can see from the MILs pov and could honestly see myself saying the same thing to a guest in my home.

Op is using MILs washing machine, MIL knows how the washing machine works and what settings are needed, MIL explains to op it needs to be on a wool wash, Op replies I washed it on a 30, MIL replies even a 30 is no good it needs to be on a wool wash.

I 100% can not see what MIL has done wrong other than try to prevent op making the same mistake for the third time.

Nothing she said was nasty or scolding, it was informative for the ops benefit.

But this is MN after all where MILs are the devil spawned

You are rewriting history. She didn't say "I washed it on 30" as if she thought that was alright. She said she accidently put it in with the 30 stuff. Mil wasn't being the least bit helpful, nor do I imagine that was her motivation.

@ShirleyPhallus

I don’t think I could have expected such a level of prissy, school-marmish scolding in a bossy girl guide way on any thread. But then I remember this is a thread about shrinking a jumper and if there’s one thing that pisses off MN, it’s not doing laundry to their standards

Agreed. I've always thought it weird that it's absolutely fine on MN to tell someone off for their laundry failures, but verging on a capital crime to suggest that they write using normal spelling and grammar.

It's absolutely none of MILs business . I my own mum is like this, going on and on about things I do ( like putting bin stick pans in the dishwasher when I was working and has three under 3 at home and couldn't be arsed to wash them by hand)
None of her business how wasteful or accident prone you are .

Your 'oh well' would piss me off. You were careless and then dismissive about the cost.

WTF! It's none of your business. If it was OP's husband who was annoyed then fair enough, as it was his jumper. But he's an adult who is capable of having a conversation with his own wife. He doesn't need anybody to be pissed off on his behalf.

I had an ex like this - I lost a handbag (my handbag) and I was quite upset about it but trying to hold it together so probably said something noncommittal like this and he took it bloody personally and started going off on one about how irresponsible I was because he didn't deem me to be suitably upset.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

I can see from the MILs pov and could honestly see myself saying the same thing to a guest in my home.

Op is using MILs washing machine, MIL knows how the washing machine works and what settings are needed, MIL explains to op it needs to be on a wool wash, Op replies I washed it on a 30, MIL replies even a 30 is no good it needs to be on a wool wash.

I 100% can not see what MIL has done wrong other than try to prevent op making the same mistake for the third time.

Nothing she said was nasty or scolding, it was informative for the ops benefit.

But this is MN after all where MILs are the devil spawned

But OP KNEW what setting to do it on, she just made a mistake and did it by accident. She didn’t need the MIL telling her again what she should have done.

Sounds like she was being quite rude to me! You'd already said it was a mistake and talking down to you wasn't going to help.
I would have been annoyed too op don't get why people are harranging you about it.

As it’s your husbands jumper, and not another of her sons jumpers, it’s none of her business whatsoever. YANBU

I am surprised more people aren't sympathetic to OP. Having someone repeatedly bang on about the silly little mistake that you know you made and is none of their business, is the sort of thing that will drive any normal person completely crazy.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

I can see from the MILs pov and could honestly see myself saying the same thing to a guest in my home.

Op is using MILs washing machine, MIL knows how the washing machine works and what settings are needed, MIL explains to op it needs to be on a wool wash, Op replies I washed it on a 30, MIL replies even a 30 is no good it needs to be on a wool wash.

I 100% can not see what MIL has done wrong other than try to prevent op making the same mistake for the third time.

Nothing she said was nasty or scolding, it was informative for the ops benefit.

But this is MN after all where MILs are the devil spawned

But why should she explain anything to OP? OP made it perfectly clear she knew what her error was, and she didn't intend to put the jumper in the 30 degree wash. It didn't need to be explained once, let alone twice. Telling her something she already knew contributed precisely nothing to preventing the error from happening again.

If you had a guest in the house who had made this mistake, would you think it appropriate to pick up the jumper, track down the guest, and tell her twice in front of someone else what she plainly already knew?

@LaetitiaASD

I am surprised more people aren't sympathetic to OP. Having someone repeatedly bang on about the silly little mistake that you know you made and is none of their business, is the sort of thing that will drive any normal person completely crazy.

Yes, I agree. This thread is absolutely bonkers. Not ONE poster here would be okay with someone unrelated to the accident following them up the stairs to give them a telling off, so I'm really not following these replies.

@LaetitiaASD

I am surprised more people aren't sympathetic to OP. Having someone repeatedly bang on about the silly little mistake that you know you made and is none of their business, is the sort of thing that will drive any normal person completely crazy.

Which is why i think there is more to this than just a jumper. Yes I think OP could say very calmly but assertively This really doesn;t concern you and there is no need to chastise me in front of SIL/other family members I am sure you wouldn;t like it if I spoke to you that way over something that is none of your business. I am sure you understand.

But I think that this is about other things....

“Oh well”. I’d see red at this, no matter the colour of the jumper!

Jesus Christ, reading some of the sanctimonious crap on this thread is reminding me what it’s like to be bloody married!

OP, I don't blame you for being aggravated. You are an adult and nobody has a right to treat you like a child.
If she does this again, I would not ignore it or take it in stride or be grateful. You're going to have a lifelong relationship. You have a right to set boundaries.
I would put up my hand and say, very assertively, "This is not a subject I will discuss further. Let us talk about something else." That is her green light warning.
If she continues chiding you, say these exact words again. That is her orange light warning.
If she continues, say, "I will not discuss this subject, so I am leaving." Then walk out of the room and go anywhere else--outside, into a bathroom where you can lock the door, anywhere that is physically separate from her.
You don't have to put up with crap from a rude woman that is none of her business. And if she does change the subject, you can reward her by moving on to more pleasant matters.